Forgetting about my BPD ex

[thisagain]

Hi everyone   I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Don't feel like I have much advice, since I pretty much did everything wrong as far as NC/recycling after the breakup, and I have no clue how I got out of the hole.

I'm having a pretty strange experience now. It's been almost two months since the breakup and around 2 weeks of NC. I'm finding that I don't think that much about my ex, and when I do remember us being together, it's all hazy and vague. Like waking up from a dream and only remembering a few fuzzy images.

I miss being held and having a partner to talk to, but I don't miss her as an individual (she wasn't reliably there for me to talk to or hold me anyways). I can barely picture her or imagine a happy moment with her. I recall some hazy images and the overall narrative of what happened with us, but it's all very fuzzy. I'm pretty sure I have more detailed memories of my first girlfriend who I was with for three months 5+ years ago.

This is probably a good thing; I'd certainly rather not be remembering all our good times in detail. But with anything involving her, I keep expecting the other shoe to drop. Do yall think it's okay to just go ahead with life without thinking much about her? Or is it going to catch up with me later?

[thisagain]

Once a week or so I end up driving past near where she lives and wonder if I should go see her, since she broke up with me over text messages and then I ended the semi-recycle over message as well. (Bizarrely the last conversation we had was over a dating site messenger because she blocked me everywhere else   ). It doesn't feel right for that to be how we ended a two-year relationship, so I was thinking I'd go see her to get my stuff back and say goodbye.

But now I can't even picture that happening. I think she would feel like a stranger to me. Part of me wonders if she would hold me or kiss me or anything, but really I can't even imagine that. And logically I know it's much more likely that if I reached out, I'd just wind up feeling rejected again. So I probably won't.

[hope2727]

you deserve so much better.