Decidedly undecided

[starfish03]

I am very stuck and in emotional pain. I am obsessing about the decision.

I want to give myself space and time - a break/time out - of a few weeks to get myself back into a space of wellness and wholeness. My self-esteem and trust has been shattered.

My BPD ex of 2 years was living a double life the whole time - he had another gf for 5 years. She seems to be in a more solid state of leaving and moving on. I am in turmoil. I never give up on people. I am a caretaker. I realize these are codependent traits and am working on them with a therapist and other support network.

I am terrified to lose him - even though the man I thought I was with was a fabrication of sorts.

He swears he is going to be better, he wants to make it all up to me, I'm his one true love, he'll never make that mistake again... .

I just don't know if there is any way I should have hope and believe in him and see if he actually is in recovery or if this is just more manipulation.

I don't think I can look at myself if it turns out these are just more lies.

I can forgive. I can commit to working on myself. I am already in a program of recovery and am skilled at doing this (thus how I somehow made it this far in the relationship when I knew he was unstable and our situation was quite dysfunctional/not what I wanted - but as I learned to voice my needs it seemed like we were making progress... .but I have to keep in mind that was all a manipulation because he was having the same conversations and promises about moving in together and maybe having kids and a future together with his other ex gf.

It feels so complicated.

I am afraid of being cruel and shutting the door on him if he truly is working to recover and wants to be together.

I received good advice from people in this forum to communicate a time apart for me to process. I haven't sent that message probably because of my fear of angering/hurting him --as well as I'm afraid of being this vulnerable with someone who just shattered my heart - perhaps this type of " I need time and space... .talk to you in 8 weeks" note leaves that door open for him to think he can hook me once again with his deception.

So - I am undecided.

I am undecided if I should reply at all to his texts and emails or send that creating space message.

I am undecided if the tone of my "no contact... .for a time" email should express my hurt/pain at the abuse of his ongoing cheating and lying or should remain flat.

I am undecided if I am willing to consider being in a relationship with someone with BPD. I have the loving capacity for it, but this would be a self-sacrificing choice in the extreme which points to my codependent traits and so I don't trust my judgment here.

I am undecided if the choice I am trying to make is if I will remain in an abusive relationship. It seems like for my own sake and sanity I would need to say no - otherwise, I'm setting my life up for misery, no?

I am undecided what I even like about this guy beyond him loving me... .I loved the sex. I loved being in a relationship and having someone to love and someone to love me... .when he was around, but overall he is such a miserable person... .but a miserable man that I love who showed glimmers of happiness and silliness and fun sprinkled throughout. I was lonely and heartbroken a lot of time while IN the relationship.

But the promises - him dangling the promises of change and transformation and that I'm truly the love of his life keeps me hooked in hope.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Starfish I can totally relate and I'm going through something similar although not the same. My guy is still married even though he assured me he'd be divorced by this time (its been 3 years). He hasn't been living with her for 3 years, but he had proposed marriage to me and I'm still waiting for him to divorce his wife.

I understand what you're saying about codependency and recovery.

I am sorry that your boyfriend cheated on you. That's rough. I don't know if I could endure that.

I'm glad you shared your story. I hope that you will get other helpful replies.

 

[Svarl1]

Hi Starfish,

It's a difficult situation: You want to believe that a person can change, and that things will be better. However your trust has been broken once by this person and you don't want to be taken for a mug.

I think it is POSSIBLE for a person to change, although perhaps rarer than we may like.

But one of the basic lessons of life is that actions speak much louder than words.

Because of this man's previous deceit, the onus is now on him to demonstrate integrity and good character, i.e. EVIDENCE of change and not just words.

Therefore based on the above I would definitely recommend a separation period of no contact.

If he is genuinely changed, honest and respectful, then he will accept your decision and the reasoning behind it. If he really wants to be with you then this will be a small price for him, and will not seem cruel at all, but a very reasonable response to his behaviour.

If he pleads and whines at all, it indicates that he has NOT truly seen the error of his ways, but still really sees HIMSELF as a/the victim. If you were to give in to any such pleading, you would show him that he can use words to get whatever he wants (and later behave however he pleases).

I recommend: Tell him you need the trial separation, on your terms. Tell him what ACTIONS you need to SEE on his part before you'll even consider to think about trusting him. If at this point he tries to argue, whine or make excuses, then walk away and never look back. You won't regret it.

[Moselle]

I recognise the undecidedness starfish  

Someone once told me a story that made me feel a bit better. Sometimes we get stuck in the river of life. You know how just in front of a rock there is a pocket of water that can trap something in front of it. That's where we sometimes get caught. The rushing water bear down on us. People are rushing past us in the stream of life and we feel stuck... .undecided.

Know that all we need is a log or something flowing down the river upstream of us to knock us out of the eddy. That thing, whatever it is, is on the way. Its coming from somewhere upstream and sooner of later, we'll again be in the free flowing stream.

It's a long shot, but it helped me have a bit of faith when I was stuck 

It'll work out, and it will get better