How/when did the devaluing start?

[burritoman]

Looking back, I can pinpoint exactly when her devaluing started with me. She would make little jabs or critiques about me even early on, but about 6 months into the relationship she took on a temporary job for the month. It was very stressful on her, plus we weren't able to see each other for the entire time, but we spoke regularly. At one point during that period I got a text from her asking ":)o you really love me?" I said "Of course." She said "I don't see it." From there she went on about how she can't read me, I don't show enough affection, she doesn't like this or that about my personality. This all came out of the blue for me, and I put my guard up even further. After that month she again brought up her moving in with me, which I was visibly hesitant about. She called me out on that. I do remember her being apologetic about that month at one point, but things were never the same. Constant ups and downs. She would also reference that time period during subsequent arguments and how "we never recovered" after that. The relationship lasted for almost 2 more years.

How did it begin with you?

[juniorswailing]

I was the same with the jibes and odd behaviour early on, before I realised what was behind it.

For me it was after I suggested that we wear commitment rings. She agreed to do it but her behaviour escalated after that and the relationship never recovered.

I thought I was doing the correct thing too!

What a fool I was.

[Anez]

One day she left some stuff at my place, just bathroom stuff - shampoo, toothpaste, etc. and that was the last time she came over. That led to two weeks of lighter than usual texts, calls and now here we are a few months down the line from that and we don't talk anymore, except for the occasional hello when we see each other at work.

I think the act of her leaving stuff at my place set off a trigger and scared her and made her start shooting down the ideas in her head about our relationship and where it was going.

now i'm pretty sure she's hooking up with a guy who is having a baby with his girlfriend in february. My ex met me when i was married and it seems to be her cycle - find someone who is taken so they don't ever have to worry about it getting too real.

[SummerStorm]

The first time we had sex, actually, after three months of close friendship and escalating idealization. 

She made some comment about me being a cougar or something because I am older than her, and I said, "I'm not that old."  She replied, "You're like 35 or something, right?"  I was 29 at the time.  It made me mad that she had absolutely no idea how old I am.  She also made fun of me being worried about putting my glasses somewhere where they weren't in danger of being broken.  She kept mocking me in this really annoying voice: "Ohhhhh, my glasses!"

She started calling me clingy and annoying two days after we looked at a house together.  From that point on, it just kept getting worse and worse.

So, it basically all started as soon as she felt engulfed. 

[Marshmellow]

Hi Buttito!

My ex was like yours. Pretty early on the jabs started... Subtle... but there... Then it progressed to more " put downs"  saying I could lose some weight. Would look better... I  was size 4 then. Certainly not fat.

I lost weight... Got down to size zero... ( but healthy)... Then ... the bar was raised... something I couldn't correct. I'm 5 years his junior... but then it was abt " I'm used to dating  women 10 years my junior...

It was something new every week. Next were threats... Threats he would leave and not look back... the next step. the raging started... ( scary stuff). Threw my luggage across the room! Called me awful names... Screaming like a mad dog! Called things I never been called b4... ( and hope never again from anyone) it was traumatizing... Now, I understand it was a distancing ploy.

All these progressive incidents happened after getting closer... .Top that off with ... ( yup, projection too., saying I was pushing HIM away! Lol!

Madness! Pure crazimaking...

[burritoman]

Hi Buttito!

My ex was like yours. Pretty early on the jabs started... Subtle... but there... Then it progressed to more " put downs"  saying I could lose some weight. Would look better... I  was size 4 then. Certainly not fat.

I lost weight... Got down to size zero... ( but healthy)... Then ... the bar was raised... something I couldn't correct. I'm 5 years his junior... but then it was abt " I'm used to dating  women 10 years my junior...

It was something new every week. Next were threats... Threats he would leave and not look back... the next step. the raging started... ( scary stuff). Threw my luggage across the room! Called me awful names... Screaming like a mad dog! Called things I never been called b4... ( and hope never again from anyone) it was traumatizing... Now, I understand it was a distancing ploy.

All these progressive incidents happened after getting closer... .Top that off with ... ( yup, projection too., saying I was pushing HIM away! Lol!

Madness! Pure crazimaking...

Oh boy... .just this past summer her and I were eating dinner at a nice restaurant. There was a bit of a break in the conversation as we ate. Out of nowhere she says "you might want to start doing something about hair loss." I immediately perked up and said "What are you talking about?" I've always been very proud of my hair, so it threw me into a 2 month frenzy of comparing old photos looking for evidence of hairloss, going to the dermatologist, buying products, and asking just about everybody I know what they think. The general consensus overall is, no, I'm not losing my hair. But MAN did she get under my skin with that one. In the end, she says she just wanted to make me aware... .

[Jazzy]

The devaluing started at the same time as my ex bf met my replacement. I was away to attend my father's funeral and it was almost as if he took advantage of my absence to  meet and get to know her.He invited her home for drinks, took her out for musical concerts. This was after almost five years after we got into a relationship, one that I thought was made in heaven and one which was to have culminated in marriage  this year. After that everything went downhill.Of course I did not know anything about her till  after he was already in a relationship with her which was 4 months after he had met her. In the interim he started finding faults with little things at first like the way I looked , my posture etc to bigger things like my character, my family etc. So my devaluing coincided with the time he was idealizing her. The more he put her on a pedestal , the more mean and cruel he became towards me. The three months that I "stayed friends "with him ( at his insistence)after he told me or rather I found out about my replacement , were the worst .I saw a side of him I could never ever imagine. He constantly praised my replacement while he bashed me up verbally and emotionally . It was almost as if he were justifying to himself why he discarded me. Not being able to stand  his insults and his cruelty any longer  I  told him I would not contact him anymore. That was 7 weeks ago. I am still reeling from his verbal onslaughts and the cruel way in which he abandoned me. I am maintaining NC. He has not contacted me either, not even to apologise for the way he cheated on me and dumped me. I don't know if and when I will ever be able to get over this.The pain and hurt do not seem to ever leave me.