Still can't believe I am "here"

[HenryParsons]

Hmmm... .there's no way to do this with just a few words, so here goes... .

I have known something wasn't right for years - and definitely WRONG for the past few.  Last year, while in couples therapy (wife's idea, but I willingly agreed) I searched and searched online for ways to describe what was going on (red flag #1 - I couldn't even describe what I was FEELING), but found nothing (the DSM criteria for BPD were a bit too "violent" to describe my wife). So I was left to discus the simple interactions that normal people do not see as a big deal (b/c, by themselves as isolated incidents they are not a big deal), which of course led us to working on "communication".  Obviously, in my wife's mind, this deficiency was my fault and my problem to figure out "b/c I was always angry". A few months earlier I had self-diagnosed with depression - really wasn't a stretch at all of a diagnosis, even for a layperson like me - it was a total f#@&^* slam dunk.  That gave her another upper hand she had *needed* in two ways:

(1) she was right all along that something was wrong with me, with the added benefit of

(2) generating sympathy from friends AND our therapist.  "It's not your fault that he's depressed"  (For sure, I had plenty to be depressed about and take full responsibility for my own actions, decisions, and emotions that got me there.  But, to this day, I am almost certain the she has "caused" it - I just wasn't sure how until I started learning more about BPD, their behavior patterns in relationships, and particularly emotional abuse.

Last month, while driving up the last bit of cargo (myself, our bulldog, and our personal belongings) on our 1000mile move to New England, I purchased an audio book - The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel.  After listening to the author describe our relationship with seemingly unknowable detail for two chapters, I skipped ahead to Chapter 8 (When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder).  Midway through the chapter there is an 18 question "test" is you think your partner might have BPD.  By her measure, your partner "probably has BPD is you answered yes to half the questions".  Well I scored a 100%... .now, honestly, some weren't strong,everyday "yes"es, but they were most certainly "yes"es - and some were "HELL YES"es.  I was floored. I pulled over at the next Rest Stop to think about what I had just heard, what it meant, what it meant I should do, and of course, re-listen and listen to more.

Needless to say, the experience was eye opening.  And helpful.  The knowledge has helped me identify her triggers and better handle my responses.  What is still intriguing is how  this perspective explains nearly bit of interaction between us.  Responses that were just "weird" previously now make TOTAL SENSE - almost to a level of predictability (which is definitely welcomed at this point). Fast forward another month (I've been journaling some since and could fill up pages just on the past 4-5 weeks) and here we are.

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Last night, my wife sat me down last night for a "discussion".  Long story short she wants an amicable/friendly divorce.  Basically the same conversation we had last week with a few more words.  Mind you, we were supposed to be sitting down to discuss how the use the proceeds from selling one of our cars recently. To be very specific, I had asked for a small portion of the capital gain to ensure I had enough to pay for a few months of therapy, not have to ask her for $$$ each and every time I went to the grocery store, picked up her dry cleaning, etc, and maybe buy a few Christmas gifts.  Basically, I asked for some $$ to spend on stuff that we would be spending money on anyway - just to not feel like a complete piece of s@#! every time I went to the grocery store, etc. I knew, technically/legally speaking, that I "deserved" nothing from this sale.  It was her car, in her name, that she had payed for, purchased 3 months before we were married (performing nearly all the maintenance & periodic cleaning on a car doesn't entitle you to anything legally).  BUT the car was purchased directly from the GM of a large dealership whom I had been working with for the better part of a year. I had designed & executed several digital & social media promotions that generated hundreds or thousands in revenue (NO exaggeration), as well as reactivated dozens of long term customer relationships that had been marked by Honda corporate as "at-risk" or "lost". This a very long way of saying that he gave US the car at true cost, b/c of my relationship with him. Not b/c she was pretty or a good negotiator (she is both).  There was seriously no negotiation - the price he gave us was $5-6k less than the TruCar "good price" and didn't even fit on the bell curve of what other people had been paying for the same vehicle. 

TL:)R

That got kind of messy... .So let me restate the facts.  In response for me simply asking for a bit of money [that I had arguably EARNED], so that I could a have little visibility on efforts to improve myself and not feel like the deadbeat she makes me out to be**, my wife told me that she wants a divorce.  Or said a little differently, in response for me asking for the right to decide how a very small portion of our family's resources are allocated & spent, she believes we should separate. What the heck?  Had I not learned what I have recently learned, I would be beside myself today.  But thankfully I am not.  I am still scared, though.  Even though I am the primary caregiver, I am definitely not in a position of strength (legally speaking) if we move forward quickly. This scares me, personally - and scares me to the core when I think about what could/would end up happening to our daughter if my wife got full custody. To say that she is a highly skilled manipulator is an understatement - but given the facts that make up my current reality, an amateur could run a successful distortion campaign with ease. 

Argh. I don't even have the $$ to pay for an initial consultation with a lawyer.  So where do I start?

**I have 2 masters degrees, high-level professional certifications under my belt, former CFO at a tech startup, launched my own [failed] venture that, extensively remodeled our now rental home (almost all by myself, of course) and basically single-handedly moved our family up here so she could start her dream job. Oh, and I take care of our 1yo daughter full time so that my wife can go work that dream job.  But all that matters to her is that I'm unemployed. And where am I going to find the time to do that too?

[ForeverDad]

Well, first and foremost, you are doing exceedingly well as a father to be the primary parent caring for your child.  Don't let that go, ever, unless you have sought legal advice and there is no other choice.  If or when the marriage fails, one of the court's criteria is to keep the parenting arrangement largely untouched on the premise that it doesn't want to mess around with what's been working.  So the longer you are the primary caregiver and can document it, the better for your future as an involved father.  However, the flip side is that she's the Mother, quite probably very Entitled, and Fathers are often given minimal credit in family courts.

So when heading into family court — the first appearance usually is to set a 'temporary' custody and parenting schedule order — you need to be as prepared as possible to convince the court not to weaken your current .  Typically that is an uphill struggle for fathers.  And understand that temp orders typically are not very temporary in our disputed or high conflict cases.  I lived with two temp orders totaling over 2 years and neither were ever modified or improved.  My lawyer said, ":)on't worry, we'll fix it later."  Well, later took 2 years.  So get the best order you can get from the very start, it is often noted here that temp orders generally morph virtually unchanged into final orders, if left to a judge's decision the judge is likely to conclude, "Well, it's been working in the temp order so I won't mess with it too much."

Be sure to read (privately) SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It's an essential resource here.  You need an experienced, problem solving, proactive lawyer, not just the first forms-filer you meet.

Believe it or not, most divorce cases end with settlements, even ours.  However, it doesn't happen quickly since our spouses are generally extremely Entitled and Controlling.  Mediation is usually one of the first steps ordered by court and usually fails, so don't fret if your spouse won't realistically negotiate in mediation.  Settlements are usually much later in the case, just before a major event such as a crucial hearing or trial.  For me, it was at the end of the 2 year divorce, I arrived at the court house on Trial Day and was greeted with the news she was finally ready to settle.  It would have been literally "on the court house steps" if only my court house had steps.

If you have any money in personal accounts, don't 'gift' it over to the marital joint accounts, keep that in your name only.  That includes retirement accounts too, if she wants them merged or transferred, say no or let me think about it, subtly delay giving an answer.  Same for inheritances, if you can manage to keep them clean and separate from marital accounts or being used for marital purposes then in most states inheritances are considered your personal assets, not marital assets.

When you seek legal advice, ideas and strategies, such as initial consultations with family law attorneys, understand that lawyers have to maintain your confidentiality.  They should never divulge your visit or information to your spouse or others.  If there is a consultation fee, pay with cash or some other way that does not show up in account statements, etc.  Don't let them put your address into their systems in case they mistakenly mail out a letter or statement.  Do not bring home receipts or other paperwork either, people with BPD (pwBPD) and other acting-out PDs have an uncanny ability to sniff out hiding places and have no compunction against violating privacy boundaries.  Also, you have a right to privacy and relative peace, you do not have to submit to interrogations or late night ragefests.

[livednlearned]

Hi HP,

Courts tend to weigh a lot in favor of status quo arrangements, so if you are primary caregiver of your daughter, that's going to help.

This is a good board to strategize how to do things in a way to minimize conflict for you and your family. People with BPD don't have the skills to handle intense and labile emotions. They are quick to emotionally dysregulate and take a long time to return to baseline, and their extreme rejection sensitivity and fear of abandonment (even if they are talking about divorce) is very different than what we experience. If she even senses that you are done, it's likely to trigger her. That's why it's a good idea to plan, plan, plan and plan some more without tipping your hand.

Consulting with a lawyer can cost $50 to $300 for a 60 minute session depending on where you live. We can help you come up with a list of questions to help you make the most of that time. If you cannot get that kind of money from your wife, is there a trusted family member who might pitch in some money? Another alternative is to talk to a public librarian and/or ask the county clerk of court how things work. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on these boards and people who will help you think this through. Key, though, is to learn how the process works where you live. For example, every state handles custody in a different way, as well as alimony, child support, and division of assets. Some make you separate for a year, some have mandatory mediation, etc.

There are also lessons on this board that you can read through: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

One thing I encourage you to do while you prepare for divorce is to learn about validation. This can help minimize some of the conflict in your home. It sounds like you might be deep into JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain) that often happens to us in BPD relationships. That is your brain trying to make sense of something. If you can, tap into your empathy (hard to do when you're depressed) and see if you can validate her. This is as much for your benefit, if not more so, than for hers.

We're here for you -- you're not alone. Even if you don't leave right away, you'll learn plenty here to help you prepare if and when you do make the move to end the marriage.

Let us know how you're doing. These are hard relationships. It helps to talk it out.



LnL

[ForeverDad]

Remember to keep your legal and mental health education here and elsewhere confidential.  Yes, marriage is about sharing but when a marriage is dysfunctional, unhealthy and failing then to protect yourself and your parenting you need to keep some matters confidential.

For example, if you tell her "Aha, I think you have BPD!" she is likely to overreact and perhaps even claim you are the one with BPD.  (That's Blame-Shifting, though other terms may be Projection, Transference, etc.)

Another example, if you tell her you're pondering separation/divorce or your attitude or behaviors subtly shift so that she suspects you of leaving, that can feed her Abandonment fears, a core issue with BPD.  She would then try to sabotage you before you got to first base in court.  She might even quit her job and try to claim she is the primary caregiver.  Or she might start making a series of allegations of DV, child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  Yes, horrendous things for someone you loved to do but sadly an all-too-common report here on these boards.  And sadly, mothers start with more default credibility than fathers when police, court and children's agencies get involved.  Be aware.  Beware.

However, I don't want to be all doom and gloom.  Would she be willing to join you in effective joint counseling or marital counseling?  Even if she doesn't listen to you, would she listen to an experienced counselor giving joint counsel and not just attend to blame you for everything?

Whatever else, don't blame yourself for all this.  You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.  And especially don't let her document you taking responsibility for her poor behaviors and reactions or admitting to bad things just to calm her down (in case she tries to use such claims against you should you divorce or face abuse allegations).  Yes, there were warning signs along the way, but frankly just about everyone here was or is in the same boat, we thought they were just yellow caution lights, not the red stop lights they turned out to be.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  From your description, I would think that you have a chance at a fair outcome, should you press for divorce.  Courts like status quo, as was said.  You are taking care of the kid, that should continue.  She's working, you are doing kid care.  You could likely get spousal support or alimony based on the conditions you are in.  As for legal expenses, if you have evidence of abuse, or can make a good case, the local domestic violence shelter may offer a lot of free legal help, including filing for custody, restraining orders, and so forth, and might be able to refer you to a local attorney specializing in abuse and/or high conflict divorce.  Divorce is expensive, but most would say it's worth it.

I am in a situation that is different, but, I am still a good dad trying to execute a plan that will be in the best interests of my kids, and that might mean divorce.  In spite of all the talk about gender equality, I think dads face a gap in fair treatment as parents and custodians in court.  Prove them wrong.  You'll have to fight for a fair fight, so to speak.  Keep good records of your involvement and parenting, and include some pictures that tell the story. 

As was said, keep your plans to yourself.  I have taken things painfully slow, but I am glad I am doing it that way.  Every book I read about kids and divorce, emotional abuse, and BPD, makes me better.  Plus, I have moved from the bedroom to the basement in my house, and that space has been invaluable.  I can sleep in peace finally and think my own thoughts.  Worked for me, maybe it will help you too.  Take care of yourself.  You have to be strong yourself before you can be strong for others.

[ForeverDad]

It occurred to me that besides her denying that you're a primary caregiver, there's another way she could sabotage your parenting.  What if she got pregnant again?  If that happened then you could be influenced to put off separation and divorce.  Or if you didn't, then she would be a pregnant or nursing mother and the court might by default favor her to be in charge of the baby and then of course they wouldn't want to split up the children.  So what I'm saying is that you should not risk having additional children at this time, that would only complicate things, delay things and/or weaken your parenting goals.  She may agree to birth control but could then say, "Oops, I forgot... ."