You ever feel like...

[citadel]

You can't talk to anyone about how all of this makes you feel? I feel like I don't have a friend anymore, you know? I don't have a lot of people that I consider friends, well, not enough that I confide things in as I'm a very private person, but the ones that I could tell stuff to, I can't anymore.

We're advised to live a life outside this person, and talk to other people, but other people don't understand. They can just see it as "You're being treated badly and you need to go," and yes, sometimes I think that too, but at the end of the day they don't get how when the person you love with BPD is on point they are the most amazing thing in your world (if you don't feel the need to rip that apart and determine if it is actually sincere or not). They don't understand that when you put up with the silent treatment, being ignored, not having your emotional needs met and everything being pinned on you, and you let things go that no one else would, that this other person can't help what they are doing, and even though some days you just want to scream and feel like you've drown and lost yourself, you are going to do it again tomorrow. They don't understand that for as much as you can't take another second of it, the person you love is dealing with it too and would love it to stop.

My brain is always in a series of steps; he does this, now I do this, now he does this and I will do this. It is mentally exhausting. I read things about the kind of person you need to be to deal with this disorder and I question every day if I am strong/patient/kind enough for the task.

It is making me feel isolated when someone that is a big part of my life is now a subject I don't want to discuss with people. I know that my partner isn't even as difficult as the ones some have. I mean, at least mine really tries even if it doesn't exactly pan out.

This is just such a hard and thankless task.

All of you that deal with this every day, you have my respect and admiration. You're all warriors. We're all warriors.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

I know exactly what you are going through. I am not only private, many of the jealousy issues I've dealt with from my uBPDh have caused me to not socialize much with other women, who could become close friends. I'm learning though that I feel much better if I am open and honest, at least with people who I want to be important in my life.

I had to include my pastor and some of leadership in how bad things were getting this past June. They intervened and just knowing that someone knows lifted a tremendous burden from me. I was walking around in a lot of shame and felt like I was living a double life--happy, loving Christian couple on the outside, depressed, verbally abusive relationship on the inside. I hope to meet with the pastor to update him on things soon. Since I am starting to decrease my drama with my H he is starting to focus his issues on our pastor so I better let him know what I've discovered in the last 6 months.

Since joining this board a little over a month ago, I have disclosed my H mental illness to my immediate family and to a woman who I would like to know better (who just happens to be a counselor who works with borderline teens). I was SO scared to divulge this huge secret to them, but I had to, for my own sanity. I needed them to understand what was going on when I would make plans and cancel because H was having a breakdown (I'm trying not to do this now but I was). I needed them to know that I may not look happy or may seem pre-occupied and it's because of his mental illness. I needed them to know because they saw a change in my H but they didn't know why. I needed them to know because they've seen him dysregulate on people on FB, calling them horrible names and dropping F bombs. I needed them to know in the event he ever hurt me, physically, or even killed me (he was threatening to on a regular basis this summer) or if he hurt himself. They didn't really understand what it was, but they were supportive and I feel better knowing that they know.

I would suggest you do the same. Tell at least 1 person what BPD is, how it manifests in your wife, and what you are doing to manage things in your life. Be upfront and tell them that you have no plans to leave and although you would appreicate advice, if leaving is one of the options, then you don't want to hear it.  If you really can't think of anyone else to talk to, find a T for yourself.

Living with someone with any mental illness is extremely hard, but even more so with BPD because to the outside world, it's just bad behavior. THey don't get that our SO cannot control this, that their mind is broken and that it may never get put back together again. Other mental illnesses can be treated with meds, can't be easily hidden from others, but high functioning BPDs can keep it hidden from everyone but their closest loved ones. It can't be treated with meds, only masked. 

[waverider]

citadel


That is what this forum is for   you can let all that out here, we understand and you won't get that frustrating "I dont know why you put up with it' response that puts you on the defensive and makes you feel even worse.

BPD is hard to understand unless you live with it, otherwise it is like trying to explain the intricacies of foreign poetry with someone who doesn't even speak the language. They simply loose interest.

By getting that out of your system here it allows you to indeed make better use of having "everyday" relationships with other people rather than being that person who is always complaining.

You don't need to be "on duty' all the time, the main thing is awareness of potential cause and effect and a basic understanding of how to minimize and repair damage done. Too much obsession with always having the right response sets a goal you wont achieve, that in itself is undermining.

We are not aiming for the ideal life, rather a happy life, if trying too hard for the ideal life is in itself making you unhappy you are missing the point.

eg

Putting yourself under extreme stress trying to avoid upsetting him vs letting him get upset and just go do something else that makes you feel better.

The problem is change is confronting, it gets a reaction, the reaction gets reversal back to status quo. We get nowhere and its rinse repeat. To break this cycle you need to weather the reaction. Eventually if the reaction gets no reversal the reaction stops and we don't have to keep doing it.

Reaction is scary so we temper the change, try to go around the drama, the change is not as effective, so nothing really changes, this is the walking on eggshells option that is talked about, makes us look insincere and trusted even less.

Dont cover up the BPD, just dont get dragged into trying to explain it in great detail, just acknowledge it. If some asks give them straight answers without trying to teach them the whole text book. Otherwise you become known as the crazy woman married to the crazy man. There is more to you than this, believe it.