Next steps for uBPDm

[icekreaman]

Hi all,

After many years of odd behavior exhibited by my 64yo m, my doctor suggested she may have BPD.  After a little on-line research, including this site, I am convinced this is the case.  Without going into too much detail, she has severely negatively affected her relationship with my wife, my brother's wife and her brother's (my uncle's) wife.  She also has very few, if any, close friends - as is typical for BPDs, she finds a friend and develops an intense relationship with them which then suddenly ends due to some perceived slight.  She appears to have great difficulty with other females.  As an example (further to her difficulties with her SIL and DILs), her relationship with my 2 daughters and my brother's daughter is at best, strained, whereas my brother's son is lavished with attention.  I highly suspect that her BPD was caused by her mother (long dead), who as described by my uncle, also had BPD - a more severe case than my mother.

After reading some of the stories here, I have an idea that her signs & symptoms are on the less severe end of the spectrum and I am hoping there is something that my brother, my uncle and I can do to help her.  My question to you all is what should our next steps be?

I have ordered the books SWoE and Understanding the BM to learn more about the condition and how to help my m.  Currently, my ideas for the next steps to take are 1) set boundaries and expectations 2) be ready to listen, provide empathy and be truthful (SET) 3) have her reconnect with old friends (I'm trying to make her understand that she has a history of failed relationships) 4) send my m a copy of Understanding the BM (under the guise of having her learn about the condition as it related to her m).

She is unaware that she has issues, and she always blames her relationship problems on the other person.  I'm trying to get her to the point where she realizes that her relationship problems are almost always caused by her and that she needs to get professional help.

I would welcome any comments and/or advice.

Thanks,

ikm

[Kwamina]

Hi icekreaman

BPD is a complex disorder and dealing with a parent with BPD can be quite challenging.

What kind of odd behaviors has your mom exhibited through the years? What would you say are her behaviors which you find most difficult to deal with?

It's unfortunate that your mom seems unaware of her own issues and her role in the problems she's experiencing. We can't change the behavior of our BPD loved ones if they don't want to, but what we can do is change our own behavior. Setting boundaries and managing expectations is indeed very important when dealing with a BPD loved one Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people?

Communication techniques such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. can also be very helpful so I think this is a good strategy.

Whether your mother decides to reconnect with her old friend is something I think she really needs to want and do herself (or not if she doesn't want to). Has she indicated to you that she would like to reconnect with certain of her old friends?

I understand your desire for wanting to help your mother. When looking at the experiences I've read on this board, BPD loved ones don't always respond positively when you tell them they might have BPD. Perhaps you giving her that book under the guise that it might give her insights into her own mother might work, yet you never know how she will respond. This particular book is very intense and can often trigger strong memories and emotions in people. Have you ever expressed to your mother before that you think she might have certain issues?

Welcome to bpdfamily

[tenacity]

Hello icekreaman and welcome!  ( I just wrote a really long response to you and when I went to send it my computer had disconnected... .so I am trying again with a shorter version   )

Your approach with your mom is extremely generous and loving. And it sounds like you have done a lot of work and are well on  your way to healing and helping your mom. The fact that her symptoms are less severe is somewhat encouraging. Generally people with BPD do not think like we do at all. So what makes perfect sense to us, makes no sense to them. That is a hard one. Especially when we are trying to get them to see why things are happening in their lives etc. They just don't understand. It can be frustrating to say the least!

Your situation sounds very similar to mine in so many ways. The description of your mom, her relationships, issues with other women etc.  Several different books have really helped me. Language of Letting Go, and Codependent No More, both by Melody Beattie are great books for dealing with self care and healing from codependency. These really helped me to see exactly what I was and was NOT responsible for as far as relating to others. And the most recent book I've read and gotten SO much out of is by Margalis Fjelstad called 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist How to End the Drama and Get on With Life.' This one is full of so much great advice and realistic tips for being in a relationship with the pd'd person but not losing  yourself in that relationship. So often we adult kids of BPD parents try really hard to help them or fix them and end up feeling like we are beating our heads against the wall. That is because of our different ways of thinking and dealing with our lives. I hope this helps in some small way.  

[shellbell]

I'm going to echo the last 2 comments in that often approaching someone w/ BPD can backfire depending on where they are at on the scale of severity. It sounds like she may be on the higher functioning side w/ less severe symptoms and it may be worth a shot. But one important thing I would note is to get together w/ your family and discuss what the game plan is, including what will happen if she manipulates or splits, what an exit strategy is if it fails, and most importantly, how you will handle a backfire and care for your own emotions.