Short term pain, long term gain.

[kc sunshine]

That is my mantra. Whoa, that short term pain though!

[JaneStorm]

   

Yeah, Dat Pain... . 

[Flutterby32]

Yes, that is among my thoughts as well, as I try to summon the courage to end my marriage. I am SO afraid of the short term drama and difficulties that I may have to deal with, but know that I will be much better off in the long run.

[troisette]

  Yes!

[cloudten]

Yes, that is among my thoughts as well, as I try to summon the courage to end my marriage. I am SO afraid of the short term drama and difficulties that I may have to deal with, but know that I will be much better off in the long run.

It is so hard... .It is hard to end a marriage in the first place, let alone with a pwBPD. I cannot imagine. Be good to yourself. It is going to hurt... .It is going to hurt a lot... .more than you ever thought you could endure... .but I promise the peace is worth it.

[thisworld]

kc sunshine, did you feel relief even if for a moment after you two separated and sadness settled? I did, for a second maybe but I did. That's my clue now.

[kc sunshine]

kc sunshine, did you feel relief even if for a moment after you two separated and sadness settled? I did, for a second maybe but I did. That's my clue now.

yes, i did. You are right. thank you for reminding me of that. It is crazy how the brain works-- how it can know, and not know, and know again.

[kc sunshine]

And I know I wouldn't/couldn't have thrived-- and that I wasn't thriving-- in such a high conflict relationship, one in which she was so jealous, ambivalent, and unforgiving of my mistakes.

And that she couldn't/wasn't thriving either-- especially because I travel a lot and have cordial relationships with my two exes-- both of which are huge triggers for her. Also because of my increasingly co-dependent, walking on eggshells behavior which made her annoyed and suspicious.

[Mutt]

Hi kc sunshine,


Your ex was: high-conflict, jealous, ambivalent, unforgiving, annoyed, suspicious.

I see that your thread title is "short term pain, long term gain"

Let's set the focus on your ex aside for a moment and focus on you.

What gains do you see in your future?

[kc sunshine]

I guess peace, and productivity, and the possibility of a more even-keeled relationship that I can be myself in (can be honest, can make mistakes in)?

does that sound like the sort of thing that you are talking about Mutt? 

[Mutt]

possibility of a more even-keeled relationship that I can be myself in (can be honest, can make mistakes in)?

You're right but I wouldn't just shoot for possibility but a probability that you will be in healthier relationships if we take a look at our own behaviors in the relationship.

Healthy characteristics of a relationship are not suspicion, annoyance, hostility but respect, trust, support.

It is Ok to make mistakes and be able to communicate with your partner without the fear of being invalidated for your thoughts and feelings.

Shoot high.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

[kc sunshine]

possibility of a more even-keeled relationship that I can be myself in (can be honest, can make mistakes in)?

You're right but I wouldn't just shoot for possibility but a probability that you will be in healthier relationships if we take a look at our own behaviors in the relationship.

Healthy characteristics of a relationship are not suspicion, annoyance, hostility but respect, trust, support.

It is Ok to make mistakes and be able to communicate with your partner without the fear of being invalidated for your thoughts and feelings.

Shoot high.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

I worry Mutt, is that this is what I did to her-- invalidated her fears, suspicions, annoyances. Worry that if I comforted her better in them we could have had a different outcome  :'( :'( :'(

[Mutt]

possibility of a more even-keeled relationship that I can be myself in (can be honest, can make mistakes in)?

You're right but I wouldn't just shoot for possibility but a probability that you will be in healthier relationships if we take a look at our own behaviors in the relationship.

Healthy characteristics of a relationship are not suspicion, annoyance, hostility but respect, trust, support.

It is Ok to make mistakes and be able to communicate with your partner without the fear of being invalidated for your thoughts and feelings.

Shoot high.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

I worry Mutt, is that this is what I did to her-- invalidated her fears, suspicions, annoyances. Worry that if I comforted her better in them we could have had a different outcome  :'( :'( :'(

I understand. My ex wife fears rejection and they way that I talked to her was invalidating. She taught me how important empathy and communication is. How I communicated with her was the way that I communicate with everyone in my life. I changed the way that I communicate with family, friends, co-workers etc. I also didn't have boundaries and my ex taught me how to stand up for myself and stop taking bad behavior from her and loved ones. Boundaries are an invisible outward layer that protect our inner core values.

Boundaries are about taking care of ourselves with self compassion. I wasn't taking care of myself, I was her fixer and helper and she has a dependency on others to take care of things that a healthy adult should really be doing on their own. She is un-diagnosed and she's also not helping herself by getting help for herself and if I continued to fix then she really doesn't have the need to get help for herself? Was your ex helping herself? Was she in therapy?

[kc sunshine]

Oh that is very helpful. I will start listening to the way I interact with others more. I think I can be very empathetic when it comes to issues that are not about me, but maybe I freeze up and get defensive/unempathetic when it is about something I need to change. I can definitely work on that in myself. Listen to the feelings, not what I see as "the facts" a bit more.

She is diagnosed and was in therapy about 3 years ago, on the heels of a very bad breakup. She did DBT in therapy and also in group. I think she had lots of success in it, but it has been a while. She was in therapy with someone that she loved during our first year together but now she isn't (the therapist told her she needed to stop drinking and also to go back to group... .I think she quit because of that).  She is on anti-depressants but she ran out of them for a while and that is when she broke up with me and started to paint me grey. 

Her mom has BPD and it seems like her daughter does too. That's the BPD picture I think. She is pretty high-functioning-- very smart and successful and energetic at work. Her insights about our relationship are very apt-- very sharply insightful-- about somethings but very off-base on other things.

[kc sunshine]

Also, since she is diagnosed and was in therapy, another nagging thought is that I could tell her about the arc of the relationship phases (devaluation, discard) and maybe she could see it as BPD instead of the relationship needing to end. That would be a hail mary pass though, but one that is tempting to throw.

[Mutt]

That would be a hail mary pass though, but one that is tempting to throw.

kc sunshine,

Were you compatible? Did you share similar values?

[kc sunshine]

mostly  :'(

[kc sunshine]

mostly  :'(

why do you ask Mutt? To think about whether it would be worth a hail mary pass try?