Next Step?

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf received the letter from my attorney asking him to refinance or sell our house and give me back my investment.  The day he received it he raged, was harassing, I had to call the local police and have a domestic arguement complaint filed.  He claimed he was just blindsided, etc.

The next day he apologized for his raging, but not the emotion.  The court procedeings for the house can take about 6 months.  He then asked that we go to couples counseling.  I truly believe he needs some form of counseling and although I highly doubt I will stay/return.  I agreed to the counseling because I think it will make living in the same house for 6 months bearable.

Thoughts?

[once removed]

hey figureit 

i dont really have experience with counselling or couples counselling. i dont think youre wrong that it could help stabilize things for the next six months; i think it could also make them worse. it could confuse one or both of you, and the situation.

i think clear goals and intentions, and boundaries, are needed here. does he want to reconcile? you say you doubt it; are you open to it?

[Mutt]

Hi FigureIt,

I'm sorry to hear that. Your uBPDf likely reacted that way because the relationship is winding down. At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic injury, abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment, a deep fear of abandonment and a pwBPD will make frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

I would like to echo once removed, do you think that he may be trying to reconcile?

Have you tried couple's counseling in the past? If you have gone to couple's counseling, how did you find the results?

Do you want to reconcile?

[FigureIt]

He does want to reconcile.  We have never done couples counseling before.  He has made promises to fix things etc. and never followed through.  As things are now NO, I don't want to reconcile.  I think the changes he claims he's gonna make are very difficult and will take a lot of time.  I want to move out and be on my own and if he is successful in his changes then maybe.  But, from everything I've read here, change for a BPD and understanding of their actions, disorder, etc. takes A LOT!

I want to move on with my life.  I think if I'm that blunt and he's not in some kind of counseling he will never attempt to make change, whether I'm the beneficiary or someone else.  Plus I have a D(10) living with us and if it keeps life calm at home, I'll do the counseling.

[once removed]

have you communicated your position?

i suspect if you go into this on separate pages (he wants to reconcile/you mostly dont but might) things are going to get awfully tricky.

[Mutt]

FigureIt,

Plus I have a D(10) living with us and if it keeps life calm at home, I'll do the counseling.

I understand. I also think that you're walking on eggshells and you're not obligated. Just a thought but sometimes when couples separate they won't do couples counseling immediately but they will go to separate counseling for 3 months or maybe more to stop destructive patterns in the relationship and they will rejoin in couples counseling after they have had their own counseling.

Have you asked him to do his own counseling? I would also suggest counseling for you because it help you through this transitional phase. I get the feeling that you are bidding your time on the court proceedings.