The I Want

[non_stuck]

Would it be constructive to tell my BPD in-law that her phrasing "invitations" in the form of a command "We need to . . ." or "I want . . ." and badgering when the request is ignored is one of the reasons I don't want to spend time with her? I have never heard her ask what anyone else wants. Over that last 2 years she has asked me to do things with her at least 40 times. I just don't respond.

We had dinner with my in-laws. She is trying to come to my house and wants to see my cats. I don't want her in my life, and my husband is at least backing me up because he knows how I feel. When she invites herself to my house, I don't respond. Sat night she said, "I want to meet fluffy." I ignored it.  She got angry and snapped "I want to meet Fluffy" and then caught herself and went back to the sweetie-pie act.

Is it destructive to say, "I don't respond to badgering."?

[Panda39]

Hi non_stuck,

I think setting the boundary is good. When you have a pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life boundaries are important so that they don't become more intrusive than you would like. Have you thought about how you will approach her and what you might say?  I suggest using SET  (Support Empathy Truth) as a tool in your communication.  Below are some links on SET and communication that you might want to check out.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

You might also want to post a draft of what you have in mind to say and have members help fine tune it with you too.

"I don't respond to badgering" is probably a little blunt and is your frustration talking.  People with BPD fear abandonment and your statement would probably hurt feelings, feel like rejection... .then abandonment.  Read about SET and see if you can come up with another way to say it.

Also, I see you are fairly new so I want to point out the box to the right --> Everything in it is a link to more information.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" section if you haven't already.

Hang in there,

Panda39

[GeekyGirl]

I'm with Panda39... .in these situations, SET can be a very helpful tool. I don't think you have to ignore her requests outright, but saying something like, "I don't respond to badgering," might set off your MIL and make an already uncomfortable situation worse.

What could you say to gently reinforce that you don't want to have her come over?

Using SET, I'd say something to the effect of, "It's been a nice dinner, and I know you'd like to meet Fluffy (Support). While as someone who loves cats too, I understand that you'd really like to go meet him (Empathy), but we're not up for company. (Truth)"

[HappyChappy]

Is it destructive to say, "I don't respond to badgering."?

Hi

I’d back up Panda & Geeky Girl, in that you can’t change the way a BPD badgers, especially at that age, and almost defiantly not with just one conversation. You need to avoid confrontation, as that’s where a BPD is in their element (You’ll never beat them at their own game). So the use of S.E.T. will dissipate all this. If you ignore them, they may (or may not) escalate the badgering. Hope this helps.  

[busybee1116]

I would also suggest reading up on "medium chill." It saved my life. My mother is also an "I want" kind of person, uses passive aggressive language (like your cat example) rather than speaking assertively. Here is a thread on the topic of medium chill.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140330.0