I feel stuck still

[Eyeamme]

Hi,

I have been nc with my uBPD 34yo daughter for 4 months. I am stuck in a depression that I can not get out of. My daughter told me I can no longer have contact with my grandsons 2 and 5. I am seeing a therapist, I started yoga and meditation. I started volunteering. I still can not stop crying and feeling like I am slogging through life. I have lots to be thankful for but I feel like the relationship that I have rebuilt with my daughter after she ran away for 2 years is back to no relationship. It has been 15 years of a decent relationship and all of a sudden back to square one.

I feel hopeless about the relationship and even more sad, afraid of my own daughter. We got to this point over nothing. We visited cross country and I could tell from the minute we came from the airport that things would not go well (at this time I had no clue about BPD). I left early (15 minutes) to the airport and she went off on me through texts. I was told that she never wanted to be like me and that I always run away from conflict (I do. I believe I was raised by a NPD). I texted her that I loved her more than anything and would talk if she had something to say but she needed to stop being hateful. She would not stop. I finally blocked her except from email.

Xmas was coming up and we had tickets to fly back out. I cancelled. My sil called to see if we were coming and I said no. This is the first boundary I have ever held. I felt like I was starting to breakdown and couldn't  do this again. One more text from my daughter telling me I no longer could have a relationship with my grandkids or her and good luck with the rest of my life.

I forgot to mention that she was also mad that I didn't call my 2 year old grandson on his birthday (I did send a gift but didn't want to have to talk to my daughter).

Sorry... .I know this sounds whiney but I don't know how to get over this... .again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

You are doing many things to help you cope with the situation.  Good for you!  It takes time to make real, positive and lasting changes. 

Looking back through this conversation:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288485.0;all

Are you willing to write a letter to your daughter, even if you don't send it?

Maybe take it to your T and discuss it? Maybe post it here too and discuss it with us?  Breaking things down into smaller tasks and working on one thing at a time can help us begin to move forward from what seems an overwhelmingly horrible situation.



lbj

[Kwamina]

Hi Eyeamme

I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. In spite of everything that has happened, I do know that you love your daughter very much and your grandkids too so I understand why you are finding being NC with her so extremely difficult. You went NC to protect yourself because you didn't saw any other option to shield yourself from the verbal abuse. Being verbally abused is very unpleasant, what might help is to keep in mind that the hurtful words and actions stem from a disordered mind and aren't a reflection of who you really are at all. They are just a reflection of your daughter's own inner turmoil. Keeping this in mind can make it at least somewhat easier not to take the words and actions that personally anymore.

That still doesn't change that it's a harsh reality to accept of course. We've talked about acceptance before and I know that you realize the importance of acceptance on a rational level, yet find yourself struggling with acceptance on an emotional level.

I felt like I was starting to breakdown and couldn't  do this again. One more text from my daughter telling me I no longer could have a relationship with my grandkids or her and good luck with the rest of my life.

You went NC because you felt like you couldn't take this anymore. Boundaries are primarily for protecting ourselves. The NC does not necessarily have to last forever but I know how difficult and painful you find the thought that this situation would remain this way. Being NC does give you the opportunity to try to work on healing yourself so that you are better prepared to deal with whatever may lie ahead. You are seeing a therapist now and also doing yoga and meditation and volunteering These are all positive steps to help you heal.

You are still hurting and that is understandable too because what you are going through isn't easy at all. By sitting with your feelings and not pushing them away, by sitting with your pain and allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and moving through it, I believe in time you will be able to move closer to acceptance on an emotional level as well. As lbjnltx points out, it takes time to make real, positive and lasting changes. I believe you are on the right track though and doing all you can to deal with this difficult reality. To quote Dr. Marsha Linehan talking about reality acceptance skills: "It is hard. It's really hard... .But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful. The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute. These skills take time to work. But, if you keep at it, I think they will work."

Take care

[Eyeamme]

Thanks so much Kwamina. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Eyeamme,

I feel your pain... . 

We are currently in the same situation with my husband's daughter (coincidentally also 34yo, we have 3 grandkids that are being affected by it also). The last 4 years have been rather turbulent and she's been on-and-off with us months at a time approximately half of the time on and half off.

Ever since we have learned about BPD and started to practice the skills and tools, our interactions w/my step-daughter have improved, however, there is always some incident or a boundary of ours over which she dysregulates and goes NC.

So, why am I writing this? To encourage you in this time of sadness, because we on the receiving end of the messages sometimes tend to take their words at face value, and that may increase our pain in the time of NC.

Usually, they do reconnect, following their own timetable (according to whatever is going on in their lives). What we can do to help speed it up is to open the door for them (not to go chasing after them, but to invite them, reach out, make it easier for them to connect when they are ready)

Let me give you an example (because the similarities are telling):

My step-daughter blocked our numbers and wrote us an e-mail a few years ago titled 'good luck and good bye' seemingly purging us out of her life forever only to e-mail later how we let everyone down by moving out of the country w/out saying good bye to the kids who would never see us again. (We hadn't moved and both times we sent e-mails opening the door for her, inviting her to re-connect. It took another three months before she called and left a message that she had a medical emergency and 'almost died'. We called back - the numbers were still blocked 

My husband sent an empathetic e-mail and she re-connected with us. It didn't work the first or second time, it did work the third time. Why? She was ready this time and used the medical issue as a pretext, probably because she was too ashamed otherwise (turns out her 'almost dying' wasn't quite as serious either).

Lbjnltx and Kwamina give some excellent advice. What I want to add to it, is perhaps repeat a bit what they say in a way - it is hard, it is painful, it isn't easy to accept. You would like to make sure you can keep a balanced positive r/s with your dd. You can only do your part. Your daughter controls the other part, so depending on what she does, it may or may not be possible and that uncertainty is heartbreaking and hard to come to terms with.

Yet, it is worth working on the skills and tools (including boundaries which may seem to push our pwBPD away at times) - all of the tools help making your life more stable and healthy and they help set up the stage for your daughter to respond in a positive way if she so chooses.

We recently had 5 really good stable months with my step-daughter, then she idealized her dad only to abruptly cut us off out of nowhere, according to the classic push-pull dynamic. Our numbers have been blocked again, we have opened the door for her. (it is sad, grandson's b-day is coming up, she has sent presents back in the past, he will most likely miss out this time as well). We will reconnect when she is ready. It does get easier with time, Eyeamme. 

[Eyeamme]

Pessim-optimist,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I feel confident that I will be able to communicate better from what I have learned. At least now I know that it isn't because I am a loser when she talks to me in the vilest of ways.

As for "Leaving the door open"? She knows my door is open. She went so over a boundary that I can't cave this time. She has no respect for me and me caving would just prove to her that I am weak.

I am not sure I trust getting close because she will do it again. Part of me thinks it is just better to mourn my loss and move on. I was on the verge of really losing it and I think I am just going to have to grieve and mourn the loss of "my best buddy". I am not sure I can take much more of her abuse. Truth be told I think it has gone on so long that I finally believe... .really believe, that I deserve a life of my own. Free of criticism.

Amen... .

[pessim-optimist]

... .Truth be told I think it has gone on so long that I finally believe... .really believe, that I deserve a life of my own. Free of criticism.

I am not sure I trust getting close because she will do it again. Part of me thinks it is just better to mourn my loss and move on.

I understand how you feel. After a particularly painful blowout I would feel like I never ever wanted to live through something like that again and that it's better to just have no relationship.

That's all good and fine. Here's the thing though - she would contact us at some point down the road, and my husband's daddy heart in particular would not allow him to shut her out. And neither would mine.

So, here is where Boundaries come in BIG TIME: You absolutely deserve to live your life in peace and in dignity. And, when our pwBPD "does it again" as they surely will, we can protect ourselves and keep the ugliness out of our lives with solid boundaries. No caving in allowed as that will only teach the pwBPD that it's no boundary at all.

We sometimes combine leaving our door open with restating a boundary: "We love you and we are always happy to talk to you as long as we can all remain civil."

We usually use the time of NC for two purposes: to heal (recover and live our own lives) and to work on the skills (especially boundaries) that we can use with love and confidence the next time.

As for "Leaving the door open"? She knows my door is open.

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't: that all depends on her present state of mind and on her current emotions.

My step-daughter forwarded us an e-mail a while back when she had a conflict with someone else, and below, there was the whole string of e-mails all the way back to when she wasn't talking to us and she was telling this person that 'my abusive family won't even talk to me because of the things I believe'.

She clearly thought at the time that we rejected her when the exact opposite was true.  So, there you have it.

[Eyeamme]

Thank you. I really mean this. Thank you so so much.

[pessim-optimist]

Take good care of yourself and pamper yourself a bit. You are worth it!