The worst day ever

[blackbirdsong]

I started several topics on this board regarding the subject how I am working on myself. even ,considering the fact that I know a lot about BPD, thinking of contacting my ex dBPDgf.

But today, don't ask how, I found out that she, few days after our breakup contacted her previous BF and it seems that they are together again.

During our relationship, I noticed that he sent her messages, but she said that he cannot accept the fact that it is over and that she is not responding to his messages.

The beginning of our relationship was strange, sudden silent treatments etc, my guess is that she was dissociating from him and slowly transferring to me.

So, I am actually a replacement. Very hard to process, "yesterday" I was her greatest love.

This is not something that destroyed me. I feel really bad, I admit.

But I have mixed feelings:

1. I am mad. I am mad at myself since I was thinking that I can even try to recycle our relationship. I am not mad because I thought that she loved me. I still do. Because she did. In her weird way, she did. She loves this guy also. She will love 10 other guys after him. But this is not the love I want.

2. I feel sorry for her. Really do. I hope she will find her peace one day.

3. I want to do something. I want to contact her. I want to reply to her last message where she stated that she loves me. I want to show her that I know that everything was a lie. There is nothing meaningful in this action. I just want to do it.

4. I know that I am on a healing journey. I need to continue. I need to build better personality. Find happiness in my inner self.

5. I don't need to wonder "what-ifs". What if she really loved me so much, what if she is alone and deperate, what if I can comfort her, what if we can make things better, what if... .

Great day, one step forward, two steps back

[once removed]

hey blackbirdsong  

thats a pretty balanced outlook/response to a painful and shocking revelation  . i think anger is a natural response. you mentioned some of it is directed at yourself. dont be too hard on yourself for having been wanting to contact her or recycle the relationship, i think most of us have been there.

i vividly recall that feeling of wanting to do something, especially when it came to wanting her to "know" i "knew" (vague, i know) and that she didnt get away with anything. its an urge that is really really difficult to sit with, though you dont have to "sit", anger can be used productively. personally, if its any comfort, i have found that ultimately if i resist the urge, over time it fades into a sense of inner peace and maturity. i like to think that taught me greater patience and less need to be right. the urge may be relentless, but it can be used.

i understand it feels like two steps back, blackbirdsong, but your words suggest you havent lost sight of the path. hang in there.

[blackbirdsong]

hey blackbirdsong  

thats a pretty balanced outlook/response to a painful and shocking revelation  . i think anger is a natural response. you mentioned some of it is directed at yourself. dont be too hard on yourself for having been wanting to contact her or recycle the relationship, i think most of us have been there.

i vividly recall that feeling of wanting to do something, especially when it came to wanting her to "know" i "knew" (vague, i know) and that she didnt get away with anything. its an urge that is really really difficult to sit with, though you dont have to "sit", anger can be used productively. personally, if its any comfort, i have found that ultimately if i resist the urge, over time it fades into a sense of inner peace and maturity. i like to think that taught me greater patience and less need to be right. the urge may be relentless, but it can be used.

i understand it feels like two steps back, blackbirdsong, but your words suggest you havent lost sight of the path. hang in there.

Hi,

Thank you. I am actually a bit worried, considering the fact that I just went to clean my apartment, turn on music and start singing... .

It doesn't sound like me after hearing "bad news".

But I don't know... .I thought about this possibility, and reading here about similar stories, it seems that it prepared me to this.

I know BPD, I know patterns. This is a reason why I am not mad at her. I know it is stronger than her. It is a rule. Maybe she isn't so self-aware like I thought. This self-awareness was my secret hope that I can try again, that she loved me more than others. This can bring me my peace and allow me to concentrate on myself. I can forgive myself that I didn't try few more steps in this relationship, I see now that it wouldn't make sense anyway.

Maybe the therapy is just an excuse for her to comfort her inner-self and family that she is trying. Like a delusion. Like an AA meeting after which you go to the bar - but it is OK, you can drink a round since you was on the AA meeting, you are trying, you are working on it. 

I am worried that I, subconsciously, placed this somewhere deep inside and it waits there to erupt. 

Should I be more angry, more excited about this?

[once removed]

Should I be more angry, more excited about this?

i dont see it as right or wrong. what you say makes a lot of sense and sounds to me like radical acceptance. both when my ex broke up with me, and when she jumped in a new relationship, somewhere in me was a sense of relief. you wouldnt have seen it by the way i was behaving, and i assure you it wasnt with the clarity you express or radical acceptance (i didnt know about BPD let alone radical acceptance), but it was there. there was a sense of, if not closure, resolve, and that sounds like what you are describing. you dont sound in denial, youre not pretending to be overjoyed or telling us you dont care, and youre doing the good work of processing it.

i think the question is will you be more angry, or more excited, or more saddened by this. i suspect the answer is probably; i think this is not easily swallowed regardless of your predominant emotion at the moment or how positive your attitude is. how little or how much you are bothered/will be bothered is unique to you and neither is wrong; its important to just let yourself feel. if you cry, its okay. if you scream, its okay. if you feel a mix of disappointment and resolve, its okay 

[blackbirdsong]

Should I be more angry, more excited about this?

i dont see it as right or wrong. what you say makes a lot of sense and sounds to me like radical acceptance. both when my ex broke up with me, and when she jumped in a new relationship, somewhere in me was a sense of relief. you wouldnt have seen it by the way i was behaving, and i assure you it wasnt with the clarity you express or radical acceptance (i didnt know about BPD let alone radical acceptance), but it was there. there was a sense of, if not closure, resolve, and that sounds like what you are describing. you dont sound in denial, youre not pretending to be overjoyed or telling us you dont care, and youre doing the good work of processing it.

i think the question is will you be more angry, or more excited, or more saddened by this. i suspect the answer is probably; i think this is not easily swallowed regardless of your predominant emotion at the moment or how positive your attitude is. how little or how much you are bothered/will be bothered is unique to you and neither is wrong; its important to just let yourself feel. if you cry, its okay. if you scream, its okay. if you feel a mix of disappointment and resolve, its okay 

I don't know... .I will see, if the volcano will erupt. Maybe later.

If I am ever going to have kids, this story will be one of the those stories:

"Sit down, son - I know how you feel, let me tell you one story... ."

Life lesson