Do our opinions matter?

[Depression = 72% of members]

In the Survivors Guide on the right, somewhere around steps 8, 9, and/or 11, I am asking a question about something I'm observing in myself: Am I truly allowed to have my own opinion? 

The way I answer this question can have quite an impact on me. While I know I can have an opinion, factually speaking, does my belief system really allow this? Let me explain.

My uBPDm passed away 3 years ago, so I do not have her to practice with. I know from my past experience that Lil Wools does NOT share her opinion anymore. She learned not to. As the child of a pwBPD, to share one's opinion was nearly death! To disagree with her or to think I might have needs of my own that were worthy of sharing, well, that became off the charts anger inducing material for my mom. I know many if not most of you are right there with me.

I've mentioned before (as have many of us here) that I married someone who is also very controlling like my mom. I was unaware, ignorant, and all that, yet here I am. (It was so comfortable, you know?) Throw in the additional complication of religious views and that I am female, and there is little chance for me to share any opinions with DH. It's a sad combination that reflects back to my childhood (mom was also very religious), but in the present, such a belief self-sabotages me, and it has become a problem. When I try and share the voice which I am finally finding, DH tries everything to shut me down. He pulls out his reasons why, uses Bible verses to point out why I need to be 'submissive,' and becomes very passive aggressive if I share my opinions at all with him.  I am learning how to not be afraid and not back down when he tries to be controlling, but my tendency is to think, "I should not share my opinion. It isn't important," or "It only leads to conflict," or even, "Why bother. You'll never be heard."  Then I am right back where I began, falling into the same beliefs that I've walked in all my life, so well learned from childhood in order to survive.

Tonight when I went out for a walk, I remembered how well opinion sharing went at my FOO home. When uBPDm shared her opinion (it was pretty awful, verbally abusive and downright mean) with my dad during heated arguments, he beat her up. If my siblings or I shared our opinions, our mom would hit us, slap us, or shake us, raging in our faces. It was a surprise to me to connect opinion sharing with the physical abuse, yet there it is, pretty clear. While DH has never been physically abusive, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive. I can't help but wonder though if Lil' Wools does indeed associate the sharing of opinions with the fear of physical abuse, thus some of my extreme anxiety, even if subconscious, when I dare to share an opinion, especially with DH, but it is tough for me to share my true opinion with anyone.

So is it really safe to have my own opinion and to share it? I'm on the fence, not quite sure which way to go. It's risky.

What's your opinion? And yes, here it is indeed safe to share! 

Wools

[Woolspinner2000]

In the Survivors Guide on the right, somewhere around steps 8, 9, and/or 11, I am asking a question about something I'm observing in myself: Am I truly allowed to have my own opinion? 

The way I answer this question can have quite an impact on me. While I know I can have an opinion, factually speaking, does my belief system really allow this? Let me explain.

My uBPDm passed away 3 years ago, so I do not have her to practice with. I know from my past experience that Lil Wools does NOT share her opinion anymore. She learned not to. As the child of a pwBPD, to share one's opinion was nearly death! To disagree with her or to think I might have needs of my own that were worthy of sharing, well, that became off the charts anger inducing material for my mom. I know many if not most of you are right there with me.

I've mentioned before (as have many of us here) that I married someone who is also very controlling like my mom. I was unaware, ignorant, and all that, yet here I am. (It was so comfortable, you know?) Throw in the additional complication of religious views and that I am female, and there is little chance for me to share any opinions with DH. It's a sad combination that reflects back to my childhood (mom was also very religious), but in the present, such a belief self-sabotages me, and it has become a problem. When I try and share the voice which I am finally finding, DH tries everything to shut me down. He pulls out his reasons why, uses Bible verses to point out why I need to be 'submissive,' and becomes very passive aggressive if I share my opinions at all with him.  I am learning how to not be afraid and not back down when he tries to be controlling, but my tendency is to think, "I should not share my opinion. It isn't important," or "It only leads to conflict," or even, "Why bother. You'll never be heard."  Then I am right back where I began, falling into the same beliefs that I've walked in all my life, so well learned from childhood in order to survive.

Tonight when I went out for a walk, I remembered how well opinion sharing went at my FOO home. When uBPDm shared her opinion (it was pretty awful, verbally abusive and downright mean) with my dad during heated arguments, he beat her up. If my siblings or I shared our opinions, our mom would hit us, slap us, or shake us, raging in our faces. It was a surprise to me to connect opinion sharing with the physical abuse, yet there it is, pretty clear. While DH has never been physically abusive, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive. I can't help but wonder though if Lil' Wools does indeed associate the sharing of opinions with the fear of physical abuse, thus some of my extreme anxiety, even if subconscious, when I dare to share an opinion, especially with DH, but it is tough for me to share my true opinion with anyone.

So is it really safe to have my own opinion and to share it? I'm on the fence, not quite sure which way to go. It's risky.

What's your opinion? And yes, here it is indeed safe to share! 

Wools

[purekalm]

Hey Woolspinner2000

I'd like to comment because I do have a few things in common in regards to feeling safe to share and the religious aspect.

First, a few Bible verses of your own to prove that submissive does not mean "can't voice my opinion". These are in New King James and not meant to be used as ammo but proof to you that what your husband believes and God desires are two different things.

Husband's, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. Ephesians 5:25

Likewise, ye husband's, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

This last one is general, but applies to the married as well.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

If you love someone, freedom to voice opinions is normal. Jesus always let the apostles say their piece, even talked to women, and there's the woman at the well and so many other examples. We don't have to be silent, that's just plain ridiculous and dehumanizing to say the least.

If you need a reminder of what love looks like, (I know I do at times) read 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. 

My situation is different in that I vowed as a young girl no man would ever control me, which gave me a hatred for the majority of men. I couldn't stand seeing my mom and then us girls wait on my dad and younger brother hand and foot while we were treated with disdain and disgust for being women.

I did pick a controlling jerk who pretended to be Christian and it wasn't long before I realized the lie. He couldn't use verses because he didn't and still doesn't know any. He used manipulation, force, verbal, emotional and mental abuse. Somehow "I" was to blame for the way he acted. I voiced my opinion, but it never mattered because his was the only one that held any weight.

Growing up, opinions didn't matter, only my dad's. The law started and stopped with him, the end. No matter how many times I talked him from suicide, helped mom calm down when I got home from school because of the abuse she was under, screamed and pounded on the bathroom door to make my mom stop beating on my younger sister, I had to "get over it" because there was absolutely no one to go too, and threats from both parents if I tried. "No one would understand", they said.   

But anyways, I say all this to say you're not alone. That it's ok to voice your opinion but start slow like you have been, building confidence in yourself as you go.  Start with safer people who wouldn't incite such a hostile reaction over small talk. Most of all take it easy on yourself and keep sharing and asking questions. This is indeed a safe place and I have learned a lot here.

I hope I could be of some help to you in your journey to self love, acceptance and security. I figured out there's a difference between loving yourself and being in love with yourself, although I still struggle. I just won't give up and pray you don't either.

Purekalm

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for a very thoughtful and insightful subject!

It was actually my SO who helped me to understand it was not a good idea for me to share my opinions with my mother. I could talk about the weather, or anything superficial: sports, art, politics, but nothing personal. Because I'm not very good at small talk I stay away from my mother.

In terms of my relationship with my ex husband? I got subjected to  the whole submissive thing.  I was able to leave that relationship, with a lot of collateral damage to my psyche.  That one's hard because I had a child with that man  so I still have to deal with him. I'm still recovering from that marriage.

I can't really think about why the physical abuse happened in my childhood as I was the "all bad child" so when I think about it all I can hear is my mother's blame.

----

This definitely sounds like an adult child thread.

 

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools

Perhaps it can help to ask yourself some questions:

- Not just do our opinions matter, but do our opinions matter to us? (regardless of what others think about our opinions)

- Does it really matter if the other person doesn't want to hear my opinion? Isn't the most important thing that I make myself heard, that I express and assert myself?

When I read your post I think a lot of what you say relates to the concept of FOG and the DEARMAN technique. This is from our article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG):

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

Not expressing yourself, not stating your opinions and remaining 'submissive', basically means giving in to the fear, obligation and guilt.

You ask if it is safe to have and share your own opinion. In the workshop about DEARMAN the point is made that "Being able to take a stand requires to feel secure yourself. Boundaries are a critical skill to feel secure. There will be resistance and not being afraid is already a big step towards assertiveness. Not feeling afraid is also a key for the other side not to sense and feel fear.

Boundary understanding is also critical to deal with the extinction bursts. DEARMAN is designed to overcome it by avoiding triggering too much and persisting through it."

Your post is about something very important, mental boundaries. In our article on boundaries we say that mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. In the article we also say that "Boundaries are how we define our values to others. A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values - it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not."

So perhaps a good starting point here would be to consider what your core values are when it comes to having and sharing your own opinion, what your boundaries are that define those core values and what actions you can take to defend/enforce those boundaries (for instance by using the DEARMAN communication technique).

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you Purekalm for your response. It's good to know that someone else understands the whole religious side of things and how it can be misused and misrepresented. One thing I learned as an observant teen: my parents tended to be hypocritical. However, being hypocritical certainly doesn't apply only to religious aspects. We can be hypocritical in many ways. You and Unicorn both mentioned the need to communicate with safe people first-thank you for the reminder. Seems as if I may have heard that same good advice from my T once or twice! 

Kwamina, your post really hit home with me. There are core issues at stake here, and my struggle to understand and make some healthy choices for myself are huge, life changing really. It has taken me 4 solid years of T to come to this place of shifting, gradually but continually, towards these new steps I am about ready to take.

I could copy your entire post to quote for the significance it is to me. Very thought provoking. I must decide if my opinions matter to me, regardless of what DH (or anyone else) thinks or says, as well as my ability to state them. It moves me up into the realm of "I matter!" When one doesn't have that sense of self, it is so hard to say that I DO matter. My self is emerging though, and that is why the need is here and now for me to decide if my opinion matters.

There is a certain amount of grief that accompanies my pondering, for I see how much I've fallen into the trap of

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

This is exactly where I have been, over and over again. I'm so tired of it. Time to make a change, and I think I'm strong enough to do so now.

Boundary setting may have just gone to a new level as I think about what you've written. I'd never heard of the term "extinction bursts" so looked it up here at the BPD site. This is exactly what happened with DH last week. I was not afraid when I spoke to him clearly and directly for the first time saying I was a different person and not going back to who I used to be. My sense of fear has greatly decreased in the past 2 months. But he used extinction bursts to try and bring me down, so much worse than ever before. I'm glad to know what it was now that I've seen it first hand. It was the second extinction burst that got me and knocked my feet out from under me over the weekend.

Let me ponder about the core values and the boundaries that define and safeguard them and I will come back and post a response. A question for you would be, how does one figure out what core values are? It seems like an elementary question but I don't know how to figure out what they are. Can you give me some examples?

Thank you,

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi again Wools

I am very glad that your self is emerging now Opens up doors to a whole new world!

Boundary setting may have just gone to a new level as I think about what you've written. I'd never heard of the term "extinction bursts" so looked it up here at the BPD site. This is exactly what happened with DH last week. I was not afraid when I spoke to him clearly and directly for the first time saying I was a different person and not going back to who I used to be. My sense of fear has greatly decreased in the past 2 months. But he used extinction bursts to try and bring me down, so much worse than ever before. I'm glad to know what it was now that I've seen it first hand. It was the second extinction burst that got me and knocked my feet out from under me over the weekend.

Another thing that might help you deal with things such as extinction bursts, is this line from the article about FOG:

"Be ready for some pushback or more aggressive responses. Often things will get worse before they then get better - our resolve will be tested - this is common in any type of relationship retraining.  We need to have perseverance and confidence that both sides will eventually adjust, and it  will end or reduce the feelings of being controlled."

A question for you would be, how does one figure out what core values are? It seems like an elementary question but I don't know how to figure out what they are. Can you give me some examples?

What might help with determining your core values is this excerpt from our workshop about examples of boundaries:

There are 3 parts, the values we have, the boundaries of those values, and the actions we take when the boundaries are threatened.

Value:   Important aspect of life that I commit to live fully.

Boundary:   Defining what falls outside of my value, what is unacceptable.

Action:   One of the options I have when a boundary is threatened.

And this is an example of a core value and it's boundary and examples of actions you can take to defend/enforce the boundary:

Value:   I treat everybody with respect [PARROT'S COMMENT: AND WANT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT TO]

Boundary:   It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming

Action #1:   Communicate my values. Lead by example (education - proactive)

... .

Action #2:   When a hot topics begin to simmer, I redirect the discussion to a safer topic.  (incident avoidance - proactive).

... .

Action #3:   I will take a time out or hang up (incident avoidance - reactive).

When you are in a consistently verbally abusive environment. more drastic steps might be necassary:

Value:   I treat everybody with respect [PARROT'S COMMENT: AND WANT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT TO]

Boundary:   One cannot be respected in a consistently verbally abusive environment.

Action #4:   I will remove myself permanently from the environment or until there is change (total avoidance).

Are these examples helpful to you?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for the helpful response. The past few days as I've pondered what are core values and boundaries, I've realized that it will help me to define my self, and figure out who that self is. When I ask, Who am I?, it is a nebulous that is so hard to define. From this thread however, I'm starting to get the handle on part of what that is, the figuring out part. When a child is swallowed up by his pwBPD, he or she never learns who they are. Then when the adult child joins a partner like the pwBPD, once again there is a good chance that the self never has a chance to emerge.

I returned to my 'Surviving a Borderline Parent' book today, to chapter 8: Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits. Part way down the first page is this title:  Challenging Core Beliefs. See, you are on the same page with the words in your post to me!   Great parrots must think alike!

Your suggestions are such that I can definitely understand them; thank you for taking the time to share. As I start trying to see what my core values are, I thought it may be easier for me to see them in other people, or the values that I would hold for my grandchildren, for example, and the resulting boundaries and actions that I would put into place for them to protect them. This way I may be able to begin to understand better.

One interesting thing is that even though I'm not sure I can begin at the core value step (#1), I have some action steps (#3) which I already do. Such as I've learned to leave the room, leave the area, or leave the house, and I've learned to change the subject to something less explosive. So there is a bit of progress!

I'll keep reading and see if I can come up with a couple of values to start with for myself.


Wools

[unicorn2014]

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for the helpful response. The past few days as I've pondered what are core values and boundaries, I've realized that it will help me to define my self, and figure out who that self is. When I ask, Who am I?, it is a nebulous that is so hard to define. From this thread however, I'm starting to get the handle on part of what that is, the figuring out part. When a child is swallowed up by his pwBPD, he or she never learns who they are. Then when the adult child joins a partner like the pwBPD, once again there is a good chance that the self never has a chance to emerge.

I returned to my 'Surviving a Borderline Parent' book today, to chapter 8: Envisioning Change and Breaking Old Habits. Part way down the first page is this title:  Challenging Core Beliefs. See, you are on the same page with the words in your post to me!  Great parrots must think alike!

Your suggestions are such that I can definitely understand them; thank you for taking the time to share. As I start trying to see what my core values are, I thought it may be easier for me to see them in other people, or the values that I would hold for my grandchildren, for example, and the resulting boundaries and actions that I would put into place for them to protect them. This way I may be able to begin to understand better.

One interesting thing is that even though I'm not sure I can begin at the core value step (#1), I have some action steps (#3) which I already do. Such as I've learned to leave the room, leave the area, or leave the house, and I've learned to change the subject to something less explosive. So there is a bit of progress!

I'll keep reading and see if I can come up with a couple of values to start with for myself.


Wools

Thanks for this Wools, I'm struggling with some core values in my own relationship around honesty and integrity so I think I will check that book out of the library again. I got some really mixed messages about those issues from my FOO.

[Woolspinner2000]

I must admit that this is a much tougher project than I realized. Each time I come up with something that sounds like a value, then try to move on to the boundary stage, I'm catching onto the fact that my ability to define the boundary is quite dependent upon the way I was trained. I will try to give an example. This board is a good place to try out an idea without worrying if it is perfect. How much have we tried to be perfect all of our lives?

(This is not the correct way or the ultimate goal, but it does illustrate the struggle for me and perhaps others.)

Value: My opinion matters.

Boundary: (I don't think I had any boundary at all growing up)

Action #1: When I share an opinion, it is made fun of or ignored or put down above someone else's opinion.

Action #2: When I share an opinion, I'm told I am selfish.

Those are the values I adopted as a child which turned into beliefs, thus the FOG when I speak up. To reframe them in a positive way, oh, it makes my head hurt from all the brain energy being used! I know this is part of the process of relearning and unlearning, trying to find the real truths and defining them.

I can try to put it in better terms here but I'm needing some help and suggestions:

Value: My opinion matters to me.

Boundary: ? (I'm lost here... .)

Action #1: When I state my opinion (to DH for example), if he becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful, I will leave the area.

It is pretty thin, but an attempt. This exercise reminds me of one that my T worked with me on during my first months of therapy. I could write down the negative aspects of the exercise but for the life of me I couldn't come up with the positives to counteract the negatives. It took a lot of prompting and suggestions to help me get out of the reflexive brain ruts and into developing more positive ways of thinking. Now if I'm given that same exercise, I can whip right through it. This one however, takes me back to defining some new brain neurons!

Thanks for having patience with me.

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi again Wools

Value: My opinion matters to me.

Boundary: ? (I'm lost here... .)

Action #1: When I state my opinion (to DH for example), if he becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful, I will leave the area.

Perhaps this can help:

Value: My opinion matters to me. I treat everyone with respect even if I don't agree with someone's opinion.

Boundary: It is not ok to become verbally abusive or disrespectful when someone states an opinion that you don't agree with.

Some actions you could take to defend your boundary:

Action #1: When someone becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful when I state my opinion (DH for example), I calmly yet firmly express that I do not find this behavior acceptable.

Action #2: When someone becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful when I state my opinion (DH for example), I will leave the area.

What do you think of this? Are there any other actions you can think of to defend this boundary?

[khibomsis]

Dear Wools, I understand exactly what you mean. I tried to explain this to my therapist once. We were discussing those psychological theories which believe there are developmental stages of children and how growing up in a dysfunctional household you fail to develop normally. And I said but there never was a normal. It is not as if there first was a little khib whose identity formation failed to progress like it should. There never was one. I have nothing to compare it to, there was only the life that I had. In a BPD family mostly what you know is pain. I knew me by being that creature who was in pain mostly. I guess divine love was the only place where I would learn of a another kind of experience until I left home. All I am saying is that this feeling of not having a self is very normal for us.   So don't push yourself to fit into some kind of norm, but accept that  the process will take whatever time it takes. And don;t expect validation from people who do not have it in themselves to respond positively. To this day my FOO will fail to validate me although it is becoming increasingly clear even to them that they are the dysfunctional ones. The moves they make to avoid or backtrack from this knowledge are amazing.I am fortunate in that my spouse and one or two friends give me space to grow. You have this board and your T and from there maybe other healthy people will come into your life.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you, Kwamina.   

This is helpful. It isn't so hard when I see the boundary idea written down now, but I sure couldn't figure it out or come up with it on my own. I think when I next see my T that I will also talk more about this with him.

I did think of another action:

Action #3: When someone becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful when I state my opinion (DH for example), I will not be distracted by rabbit trails that attempt to redirect the blame back to me. In other words, I will not get caught up in defending myself.

Do you think that will work for an action step?

Thank you khibomsis:

All I am saying is that this feeling of not having a self is very normal for us.   So don't push yourself to fit into some kind of norm, but accept that  the process will take whatever time it takes.

You are very kind to remind me of this. I do get in a hurry and impatient with myself. Too much mentality that I should have it down already. But time has shown me that there really is no rush, and that by being patient, I'm allowing Lil Wools to grow up. I can validate her all along the way. My teen self (who doesn't have a name yet) also needs the chance to learn these steps, and she's more impatient with herself than Lil Wools because she's already been so beaten down. Somehow I suspect that as we learn to set boundaries from our core values, we'll feel stronger and more self-soothed and comforted. 


Wools

[khibomsis]

Hey boundaries are great! I guess part of how we develop identity is through them, boundaries are the line in the sand between the self and the not-self. I needed patience  because when I first started therapy now over 15 years ago, my nearest and dearest were not too happy. They were in their comfort zone with co-dependent me. So I=the person who practiced self-validation who learnt to do without the validation of those whom I loved. I=the person who set boundaries. I still struggle with policing them so obviously there is no quick fix. Wonderful stuff though, this self-love

[Kwamina]

I did think of another action:

Action #3: When someone becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful when I state my opinion (DH for example), I will not be distracted by rabbit trails that attempt to redirect the blame back to me. In other words, I will not get caught up in defending myself.

Do you think that will work for an action step?

I think this will work indeed! What you say here connects boundaries to the J.A.D.E. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. techniques. What you are basically saying here is that you are going to monitor your own responses so you won't get caught up in justifying, arguing, defending and explaining. You are staying mindful (5th part of D.E.A.R.M.A.N.), and are ignoring the attempts of the other person to (re)gain control of the situation. Sounds very good to me

[Woolspinner2000]

I've had an excellent opportunity to set up some boundaries this week in an unexpected area-my second job of teaching.  I have a new boss, a new location, a new coordinator, and the situation has limited my access to 3/4 of the contacts I had before to help me do my job well. My new boss said, "We expect more from you now, more management." Hmmm... .managing this type of situation which I managed well before, even through all the adjustments over the past 2 years, and now with limitations to do the job? 

It has become very difficult for me to work with my students in the caring and instructing way that I always have. I felt very much like a little child who had done something wrong, and never done enough to please. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I kept trying, and recognized my tendency to self-sabotage in this situation, seeking validation and respect like I always do (and did from my uBPDm), trying harder to please, going along with it all, even though anyone in this spot would be struggling.

When I realized I was adding an extra 10 to 20 hours (unpaid) a week that was already filled with a full time job, basically just to please and accommodate, I finally hit a melting down point Monday. I was and am tired of trying to please people. My time and myself are more important than doing all this extra. It was time to set up some boundaries around myself and my full time job. 

With the helpful planning of my T, I told my boss that I would only be checking my email once a day, and that would be after my full time job. I also set a limit on how much time I will spend in an evening doing emails and extra things for her. Here is my attempt at typing up my core value, boundary, and some actions.

Value:  My time is worth money, and I am worth respecting and taking time for me and preserving my evenings for myself and my family.

Boundary: It is not okay to micro-manage me and ask for more than is respectful of me or my other job.

Action #1:  When my new boss demands that I respond more often to my email, I will calmly explain that I will check my email once a day after my other job.

Action #2: If I am asked to commit more time to my class, I will stay within the limits of what I am being paid for and only those few hours which will help me to feel more comfortable and prepared for teaching.

Funny thing is that I was so paranoid of losing this job. Now it doesn't matter at all! I will do my best, and I always do, but I will not be intimidated and put in more hours. My wages decrease dramatically for every hour extra that I put in to please people. I want to be done with that. Such freedom!

Wools

[Kwamina]

When I realized I was adding an extra 10 to 20 hours (unpaid) a week that was already filled with a full time job, basically just to please and accommodate, I finally hit a melting down point Monday. I was and am tired of trying to please people. My time and myself are more important than doing all this extra. It was time to set up some boundaries around myself and my full time job.  

10 to 20 extra hours is a lot indeed. I am glad you recognized what was going on and were able to set some boundaries

Here is my attempt at typing up my core value, boundary, and some actions.

Value:  My time is worth money, and I am worth respecting and taking time for me and preserving my evenings for myself and my family.

Boundary: It is not okay to micro-manage me and ask for more than is respectful of me or my other job.

Action #1:  When my new boss demands that I respond more often to my email, I will calmly explain that I will check my email once a day after my other job.

Action #2: If I am asked to commit more time to my class, I will stay within the limits of what I am being paid for and only those few hours which will help me to feel more comfortable and prepared for teaching.

Looks good to me I think it really helps when you are able to relate your boundary and the actions to defend them back to your values:

Defending boundaries (without values) tends to be shallow, reactive, and confrontational

... .

Relating our boundary defenses back to the value is very important.  If we don't do this, we run the risk of loosing sight of our objective - and we may make matters worse. To be constructive, we need to have realistic values and we need to understand what our responsibilities are if we want to truly live them.

By writing down your value, boundary and actions so clearly, I think you are really empowering yourself.

What you say here is awesome too:

Funny thing is that I was so paranoid of losing this job. Now it doesn't matter at all! I will do my best, and I always do, but I will not be intimidated and put in more hours. My wages decrease dramatically for every hour extra that I put in to please people. I want to be done with that. Such freedom!

You confronted your fears, persevered and protected yourself by setting boundaries. Great work Wools

[khibomsis]

Good for you, Woolspinner! I am so happy for you! I had a light bulb moment today when I inserted myself into the picture. Suddenly I saw myself as the person for whom I was cooking a meal. I think one has to grow up completely other-oriented to appreciate how big a moment this was. Now that I have seen myself there is no going back. It is a revelation. I see myself everywhere! I hope for you too that now that you have started you continue to practice self-care, recognizing the importance of your needs first. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Khibomsis, Congrats to you for your big  moment! Good job!

I think one has to grow up completely other-oriented to appreciate how big a moment this was. Now that I have seen myself there is no going back. It is a revelation. I see myself everywhere!

You are so right! We've both had some huge revelations recently.

Kwamina, thank you for the encouragement. I didn't know that there was still more to learn and put into practice about values, and I'm very glad that you pointed this out:

Defending boundaries (without values) tends to be shallow, reactive, and confrontational

... .

Relating our boundary defenses back to the value is very important.  If we don't do this, we run the risk of loosing sight of our objective - and we may make matters worse. To be constructive, we need to have realistic values and we need to understand what our responsibilities are if we want to truly live them.

There is a lot of work to do in this area, isn't there? Awareness seems to be huge in order to keep me/us going on the right track. I didn't realize that if I lose site of my values, then my boundaries will essentially lose their effectiveness.

You confronted your fears, persevered and protected yourself by setting boundaries. Great work Wools

I guess I did confront my fears, didn't I? And I didn't even realize it! 

Now to try and put something in place with DH. Sigh. He's a tough one, and I am still struggling there. Now that I've begun though, hopefully I'll keep heading down the right road to more facing of my fears and establishing more core values, boundaries, and actions.


Wools