Anyone ever deal with "Mixed Messages" with their Ex BPDs?

[Confused108]

Curious. Has anyone here ever delt with "mixed messages", or "mixed signals" with their exs? For example mine would say she wanted to have sex with me. Then other times she would say she didn't like sex. Then she would say things to deliberately turn me on , then again say she does not know where sex fits in, she doesn't like sex etc. then she would come back and tell me she could not wait to connect with me sexually. This went on all the time . Anyone have similar experiences with any type of "mixed signals"?

[Lonely_Astro]

All the time.  Remember, BPDs have no stable sense of self, so their opinions on things rapidly shift.  Sometimes its hours, days, or months they shift... .as weird as it sounds.  Or, at least, thats how mine was.  As our r/s got more serious and we talked about the future together, she would talk about marriage and a family.  As the months progressed, she would shift from that to never wanting to be married again and no kids.  This sometimes fluxed throughout the day it seemed.

As far as sex was concerned, she pursued me first in that area.  Once we started, I was the one who had to ask for it (every now and then she would instigate it, but that was rare).  When I stopped asking for it, she got offended and saw it as rejection, even though she would frequently reject my request for it.  I didn't really see this at the time it was going on, but in reflection I see that I was the one who asked for it after the initial couple of months of her pursuing it.  Ultimately, she weaponized it.  Oh and why I stopped asking for it was because I made a correlation to every time we would sleep together within a week we would have a major argument over something trivial followed with makeup sex.  It got tiresome (though I never grew tired of sex/intimacy with her, don't get me wrong).

Our final week together (unknown to me at the time, of course) before the discard started we had a lot of sex.  I mean like every day.  Everything seemed fine in the r/s at that time and I was surprised to see that much sex/intimacy from her.  I guess that was her way of saying goodbye to me or something.  I don't know.  But the week after that, she was gone (on an intimate level, I mean). 

I spent almost 3 months in limbo.  I had a lot of mixed signals then, on a lot of different things.  So, yes, I got a lot of mixed messages (and direct lies) from J.

[Confused108]

Yup same thing here! After I took her bait and got involved so to speak with her again right away she mentioned marriage. Then a few weeks later she mentioned it again. As the weeks went by I went from the only "love of her life" to a "friend and maybe more" to "a friend" and we have to see if we are compatible to when she dumped me thru an email saying that I pushing her for marriage and moving in with her was all too much too fast! Can you believe that ! She was the one from the onset pushing me for it and at the end reversed everything on me. Then when I reversed it back on her thru her own marry me texts she sang a different tune to who cares who said what we are not compatible and that's it! When she would text me now compatible we were all the time!

[valet]

Hey Confused108, I think that both parties send each other mixed messages in an emotionally complex relationship if there is a break in communication somewhere. I know I must have sent my ex a bunch of wrong signals at times, even though when it came down to it I wanted the relationship to work out.

I think a lot of us find ourselves in emotionally abusive relationship dynamics because we never learned how to ask for what we needed as children. We expected the answers never to come, or to be unsatisfying, etc. Our partners' emotional state played a role, but so did ours.

What if you were to flip that question around? Can you think of times when you might have sent mixed signals?

[Confused108]

I was straight up with my ex. I never sent her any type of mixed signals or messages.  I never changed my mind loving her at the time . It was her always sending mixed messages etc.

[valet]

If you feel that you weren't feeding into the dynamic negatively, then let me echo Lonely_Astro.

All the time.  Remember, BPDs have no stable sense of self, so their opinions on things rapidly shift.

It's not uncommon for any person with traits of the disorder to have rapidly cycling emotions, which in turn leads to constant changes of opinion. Sometimes the issues being focused on are small, other times they are large. It depends, I think, on the nature of the person, and especially how secure they feel inside of their relationships with others.

I'm sorry that you may have felt duped. These relationships are confusing. I say that from my own experience.

I don't know how deeply you've dived into the Lessons here, but I found a lot of peace in learning about the disorder and the behaviors of those who show signs of it. I suggest you check them out more if you haven't yet! 

[Wantingtochange]

This is one of the many areas that still has me scratching my head. Our sex life, for 6 years was off the charts. Like rabbits. Passionate, powerful, very adventurous, and we both seemed to be concerned for the others needs.

Then halfway through the last year together I noticed a change. More distant emotionally. Then this became all the time. Frequency declined. Things that she was curious about and her fantasies changed. Then those things she wanted and liked became a "No I don't want that." Looking back the frequency, duration, or her initiating at all declined to the point I was the only one ever initiating.

Long story short, she completely changed. She was completely different when it came to sex. I took it personally, how could I not. Just now I'm at the point of dealing with some of that hurt and rejection and beginning to understand that maybe it was less about me, and more about the things she deals with in her mind.

Just my two cents... .

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Yup same thing here! After I took her bait and got involved so to speak with her again right away she mentioned marriage. Then a few weeks later she mentioned it again. As the weeks went by I went from the only "love of her life" to a "friend and maybe more" to "a friend" and we have to see if we are compatible to when she dumped me thru an email saying that I pushing her for marriage and moving in with her was all too much too fast! Can you believe that ! She was the one from the onset pushing me for it and at the end reversed everything on me. Then when I reversed it back on her thru her own marry me texts she sang a different tune to who cares who said what we are not compatible and that's it! When she would text me now compatible we were all the time!

Unbelievable. Sounds *exactly* like my experience.  

She essentially begged me to move across the country to be with her. I ended up doing so. After a week she went out and had sex with the ex, and after two weeks she told me she wanted me to move out because 'everything was moving too fast'. Then she went NC for 10 days, and wrote me a 9 page letter saying how terrible I was and basically a whole bunch of gaslighting ensued. She had no response (except a pathetic "sorry" when I showed her our texts with her saying things like how she has never felt like this for anyone in her life, and that she promises 100000% she will never ever go crazy and kick me out half way through my stay with her etc...  The night before she kicked me out she said she would marry me if I asked her... When I mentioned that the following day she said she didn't mean it... what the heck.

[iluminati]

I think you're limiting yourself by looking at it from your perspective.  Allow me to play Devil's Advocate for a minute.  People with BPD have emotions that are not only all over the map, but can be triggered by mere trivialities which have ties to deep trauma.  For my ex, for example, her feet were a major trigger for her.  She didn't like anyone to touch or even notice them.  I eventually found out that she had been molested by someone who had a foot fetish.  However, if I didn't ask where it came from, it just would have seemed silly.

I'm willing to bet if you look back that you, in all likelihood, inadvertently stepped on a major trigger.  Is it your fault?  No.  There's a reason SWOE is known by its acronym around here.  But that doesn't mean that the trigger didn't effect them somehow.

[Confused108]

Yup same thing here! After I took her bait and got involved so to speak with her again right away she mentioned marriage. Then a few weeks later she mentioned it again. As the weeks went by I went from the only "love of her life" to a "friend and maybe more" to "a friend" and we have to see if we are compatible to when she dumped me thru an email saying that I pushing her for marriage and moving in with her was all too much too fast! Can you believe that ! She was the one from the onset pushing me for it and at the end reversed everything on me. Then when I reversed it back on her thru her own marry me texts she sang a different tune to who cares who said what we are not compatible and that's it! When she would text me now compatible we were all the time!

Unbelievable. Sounds *exactly* like my experience.  

She essentially begged me to move across the country to be with her. I ended up doing so. After a week she went out and had sex with the ex, and after two weeks she told me she wanted me to move out because 'everything was moving too fast'. Then she went NC for 10 days, and wrote me a 9 page letter saying how terrible I was and basically a whole bunch of gaslighting ensued. She had no response (except a pathetic "sorry" when I showed her our texts with her saying things like how she has never felt like this for anyone in her life, and that she promises 100000% she will never ever go crazy and kick me out half way through my stay with her etc...  The night before she kicked me out she said she would marry me if I asked her... When I mentioned that the following day she said she didn't mean it... what the heck.

wow! Mine wanted me to move to Canada and live with her. Then of course at the end it was always me that initiated it. Lies of course.  Sorry that happen to you . It really is sad . My ex is from my teens whom I loved with every ounce of my being. Now Not a chance in hell. I really don't care how sick these ppl are. They do know what their doing.

[La Carotte]

I'm willing to bet if you look back that you, in all likelihood, inadvertently stepped on a major trigger.  Is it your fault?  No.  There's a reason SWOE is known by its acronym around here.  But that doesn't mean that the trigger didn't effect them somehow.

Please can you explain what SWOE means? I can't seem to find an explanation and this seems like important stuff.

Thank you

[iluminati]

SWOE = Stop Walking On Eggshells.  It's the name of a book by Randi Kreger that's well regarded in non circles.

[peace74]

I got "mixed messages" all the time.  However, I do not think that is was anything consciously or intentionally done by him.  My BPDh definitely lacked that sense of identity or self, which contributed to this issue.  I think impulsivity and not seeing a "big picture" or consequences contributed to this even more.  Think of times you've been "in the moment" when there really wasn't anything outside of that moment influencing how you felt, decisions you made, no regard for past or future.  As we grow emotionally we learn how to temper temptation and feelings with cognitive thought and rational.  Most pwBPD do not have the ability to do this or it is impaired.  That's why they say "feeling equals facts" to them.  However he was feeling in any given moment strongly dictated what his chosen thought or action would be.  It threw me off balance to say the least and made me feel like I was in the twilight zone sometimes.  To change your mind or behavior about things so rapidly that affect ones life so greatly is usually not what normal, well adjusted people do.  This is the nature of the disorder.

When my ex ran away with no legitimate reason or warning it blew my mind.  This is someone that was telling me how happy he was everything was going so well between us, etc.  For a year and a half after he left he had the push/pull behavior and didn't know what he wanted.  We were together, then we weren't.  He decided after being gone a year to move back home.  He wasn't here anymore than a week and he was talking about selling our home and building a house somewhere else.    This from someone who was putting us in financial hardship because I wasn't working when he left.  He couldn't even make up his mind if he wanted to stay or go but he proposed this idea like it was totally logical.  His thoughts, feelings, actions come and go like the wind with nothing grounding him.

[purekalm]

Iluminati, I think you make a valid suggestion. Sometimes we can get into a black mode ourselves and not realize that, even though it isn't our fault, we probably triggered a reaction for the change.

For me, my husband was the one who wanted a family right away, I wanted to wait. Turns out he got his way, and I was ok with that. He never changed with his sexual appetite, always wanting it no matter what, which in turn made me have to start standing up for myself and declining and then eventually almost all contact stopped because he had no respect for me whatsoever. It was only about his needs.

Anyways, after my son was born something triggered in him and he completely changed. What were mild issues before turned into major, he became like a monster. Nothing like the guy who was polite to open my door for me and hold my hand, now he wanted nothing to do with me or our son, whatsoever. I think he's felt trapped by our marriage, because if he leaves he's "the bad guy" and he doesn't want to look bad to anyone outside. It's only if I make him leave or initiate it I think it will happen. And then, when I do he first accepts his way out and then back tracks when things aren't panning out well and acts as though I never said a thing and we're still working on things. The change and switching is insanely frustrating... .

[hergestridge]

This is one of the many areas that still has me scratching my head. Our sex life, for 6 years was off the charts. Like rabbits. Passionate, powerful, very adventurous, and we both seemed to be concerned for the others needs.

Then halfway through the last year together I noticed a change. More distant emotionally. Then this became all the time. Frequency declined. Things that she was curious about and her fantasies changed. Then those things she wanted and liked became a "No I don't want that." Looking back the frequency, duration, or her initiating at all declined to the point I was the only one ever initiating.

Long story short, she completely changed. She was completely different when it came to sex. I took it personally, how could I not. Just now I'm at the point of dealing with some of that hurt and rejection and beginning to understand that maybe it was less about me, and more about the things she deals with in her mind.

Just my two cents... .

The shifting opinions were hard to deal with, but the place where it became unbearable was in bed. Sex means a lot to me and every time she was "into sex" she managed to convince me that our sex live was now back on track and better than ever. We would try something new in bed and we both agreed that it was just fantastic. Then she would pretend like it never happened or come up with excuses. This made me feel like I had violated her or done things against her will.

It's like when someone gives you a gift you really wants, then takes it back and pretend they have never given it to you. It's one of those things that does your head in and brings you anxiety. I don't think the human brain is meant to cope with behavior like that.

I think one of the mechanism behind the sex situation also is that a pwBPD is always on the brink of imploding from the weight of the relationship. The times my wife was really wild in bed was when I had threatened to leave her or when we had big fight or something.

I don't think this is a strategy to "keep us hooked". I think it's just the life flowing back in after having a small taste of life outside the relationship. My wife used to become incredibly h*rny when strangers hit on her. I have started to think it's about having a way out, because a pwBPD feels trapped.

My wife was also fanatical about the right to take your life. The thought of living a life with "no way out" was unbearable to her. And she couldn't stand pain. Pain was "unfair" and she *demanded* to be relieved from it immediately (it was sometimes unclear exactly who would do that though). She also felt trapped in her workplace. Even when it helped her out of poverty she couldn't enjoy being employed, because she felt "trapped" or "stuck".

Not being able to regulate your emotions internally means you need to to regulate them with external means. Crazy sex, stupid decisions... .and after the relief you don't need those things.

It's very much about them. As a non you are nowhere near as big part of it all as you think.

[MakingMyWay]

All the time. It was so confusing and stressful. I'd find myself waking up every day thinking to myself "What will she be like today?".

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes.  That's exactly what I'm dealing with right now.

My ex is very lacking in supply right now, and likes to imagine that he can just have me back.  When he finds out that I might be seeing someone else, he goes fishing for my attention again.  But he doesn't outright approach me for a recycle and beg for forgiveness.  That would give me power, and he hates giving women power over him. 

So he "lurks."  He shows up at gatherings with our friends, only if I RSVP after him, so that he can get angry at me for coming if need be.  As long as I initiate the contact, if I cause him any narcissistic injury (very strong NPD traits here), he can accuse me of stalking him and make me go away again.  So he has this system figured out, where he thinks he can make me come and go at will.  He thinks he's in control. 

This results in a lot of mixed signals -- not to mention a social minefield -- for me, because he won't ever commit to what he wants.  Everything is conditional on how I react toward him.