Run Ragged

[Depression = 72% of members]

Did anyone ever feel like whatever they did, not talk, withdraw, cooperate, be the adult, the BPD (undiagnosed) just wanted someone to run Ragged until they ran you out the door? When I presented that idea to my husband, his reaction was disbelief, yet now he still barely engages enough to save the marriage and is placing me in the position to end it without fighting for any change. He tried to recycle a couple of times, but I saw no change, no real contact, only texts, so I stay at little or no contact. He is not in therapy and any change seems minor and very slow.

[ladylee]

Did anyone ever feel like whatever they did, not talk, withdraw, cooperate, be the adult, the BPD (undiagnosed) just wanted someone to run Ragged until they ran you out the door? When I presented that idea to my husband, his reaction was disbelief, yet now he still barely engages enough to save the marriage and is placing me in the position to end it without fighting for any change. He tried to recycle a couple of times, but I saw no change, no real contact, only texts, so I stay at little or no contact. He is not in therapy and any change seems minor and very slow.

[vortex of confusion]

I have felt that way on numerous occasions. He wants me to help him with all sorts of stuff yet rarely has the time or energy to help me. It is infuriating. I feel very much run ragged. I had a laptop that had a broken keyboard. He wouldn't help me get it fixed. I used it for over a year with an external keyboard. When I got a new laptop, I gave him my old one. Out of the blue, he was suddenly able to buy the parts and work on fixing it. He couldn't figure something out so he asked me to help him. I flat out asked him, "Why should I help you fix it? I asked you to help me fix it a year ago and you said it was too hard and that you couldn't do it." I was the jerk because I wouldn't help him. I am expected to drop what I am doing and help him yet he can barely do the bare minimum to contribute to the upkeep of the house. And when he does do something like the dishes, he has to announce it repeatedly.

He and I have done the whole roller coaster thing where he pays lip service to the idea of change yet does not make any real changes or any real efforts. He is currently talking to three different women (all friends supposedly). He met two of the three on a dating website yet doesn't see why it could be problematic given the fact that he is a sex addict that attends meetings. I am seeing somebody else and he throws that in my face whenever I say anything about anything even remotely related. I try not to bring it up. It is hard when he has to give me reports about his lady friends. That coupled with the fact that he keeps bragging that he has been sober for 9 months. I am physically and emotionally exhausted trying to deal with him and live peacefully under the same roof.

I used to try to encourage him to go to therapy. He went a handful of times. When we were discussing the fact that our marriage is over, he said that I wanted too much. I wanted things that he didn't believe in and couldn't do. When asked what that was, he told me that he didn't believe in counseling. He has also said that I am too critical and too demanding and a bunch of other stuff. The people that know us both have repeatedly said that I don't demand enough and that he is lazy. He wouldn't fight for the marriage. Any attempts that I have made over the years to get him to engage have failed. He says that he is not a mind reader and needs me to tell him what I want. I feel like I can give him written instructions about what I want and need and he would ignore it. Or, if I do tell him what I want/need, then it is turned into "You are being critical and demanding." Shutting up and saying nothing to him about anything didn't work. He just wanted more. Trying to set boundaries leads to me being called critical and demanding.

[Itstopsnow]

Absolutely, I always felt like I was there helping him find jobs, take test with him for his jobs, helping him in all ways I could. I never felt him ever being there for me. He's only really been critical of my ways, my business, and my family. More and more I see that he was a grow child not a man. I can't be his 3rd mother! He has a mom and step mom doing everything for him. He is very dependent on anyone in his life. But he would also be irresponsible with money, rage when his needs weren't met and just wanted to go have fun! Either endless vacations to Disney, we went 4 times in 18 months once to Disneyland and 3 times to Disneyworld . Plus countless trips to the casino. This guy is all about instant gratification and self seeking novelties . It's crazy how we get so worked up and worried and wonder about a person who is so stunted emotionally that they only know how to go after their own personal wants and desires no matter what the fall out or cost. BPD is such a selfish, self seeking, me! Me! Me! Disorder . It's like all the seven deadly sins come to life and are actively seeked in this disorder. Eyes are constantly on themselves! And that can be a very lonely empty feeling! No wonder they struggle with emptiness! No one even someone not disordered would feel content or happy in life just serving themselves and their own needs. We aren't built that way. Its so counterculture in society and in most religious beliefs as well.

[ladylee]

It seems they do want to keep the party going or serve themselves, if you're not going to support that, then they have no use for us, it's about filling the void, or ending this pain they're in, I was aware of that when I was there, but it was tough to keep him out of my hair bc of rages. If I was not complying, he would rage. I could not withdraw. Sometimes I raged back out of frustration of being manipulated, it was very difficult. But mostly on stayed away from him, until I left. He realized I was doing this and would then just demand my help and stop respecting me altogether, like when a child demands their parents help, it was weird. He lacked adult skills.

[Itstopsnow]

I think that's part of the disorder. Mine lack total adult skills . Not obviously just coping. But regular functioning logical things. He would drive till his car was almost always on empty . Light on. He would have his step mom open his mail and bank statements . All things I told him he shouldn't allow. He had a masters but was incapable of living on his own. I don't think he ever will. He couldn't stand being alone by myself even one night. That is so strange to me