Separation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wondering if anyone had success with a separation.  Residing in different places

[RR4U]

Just wondering if anyone had success with a separation.  Residing in different places

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RR4U,  I went through a separation from my W, who has BPD.  I'm uncertain what you mean by "success"?

Are you contemplating a separation?  Have you already separated?

LuckyJim

[Concerns]

I would say this follows wisdom that "moving will not fix things". Unless the pwBPD is totally dedicated to therapy and resolving their personal illness then it doesn't matter where either of you are physically. For me, it hasn't worked at all. The separation has provided my BPDw a license to dysregulate even more than she did before. Her risky behavior is suddenly ok and without recompense because "we are separated". I think its a signal of a final devaluation stage unless implemented by the non. You are essentially cast out at that point and now she is free to recycle and repeat her BPD pattern. 

[Mutt]

RR4U,

How are you doing? Are you feeling burnt out?

[tryingsome]

Just wondering if anyone had success with a separation.  Residing in different places

Success in mentally healing and being grounded again, yes.

Getting back together, not sure. I am going through the process and it isn't looking good.

But the silver lining it gives time to work on oneself. Take that time for you.

Cheers.

[RR4U]

To answer yes I'm burnt out.  I just give up.  Nothing is easy and honestly I am just disgusted by everything he does.  Technically we are separated legally but living together.  I need to have one of us leave for me to heal.  I hate looking at him right now.  He goes so hot/cold all the time it's driving me crazy.  I want to just run away without phone and a way to be found.  I'm trying to figure out how to have one of us leave.  He just finds excuses in everything.  I feel like a time bomb just waiting to explode.  Now he's grabbing my phone and kindle to look through it to see what I'm doing.  Wants to know why I'm not intimate with him.  But next breathe is we should get a divorce.   I just reply fine. 

[Mutt]

RR4U,

He's going through your phone and your Kindle. Do you get time by alone or do you feel isolated? I remember feeling resentful towards my wife too. I'm going to guess that the reason why he's making excuses is because you asked for the seperation?

[RR4U]

It could be the reason bc I said we need a "real" separation ( one of us has to leave). And I'm bring strong with it not backing down.   My only alone time is at work. Otherwise that's it.  I try boundaries but he can't comply.   

[SamwizeGamgee]

I moved from the bedroom to the basement, much to the distress of my uBPDw.  In spite of her tantrums and passive aggression, I just stayed in my space.  I loved being able to sleep, keep my own thoughts, and having a spirit of peace within.  I also found it easier to avoid thinking of her sexually.  Since were not sleeping together, going without intimacy is easier - in my case I was uniformly rejected anyway, so this is easier.  I am keeping "separated" as grounds for divorce, but, I have not fully decided.

Separation like this is really hard on both of us, but especially with the BPDw.  It hits all her fears.  Now, that also means she has been extra nice lately to win me back. 

I will say I have gotten healthier by separating in the same house.  It won't help your pwBPD, and certainly not a relationship, but, it could really help you.

[Lucky Jim]

Now he's grabbing my phone and kindle to look through it to see what I'm doing.

RR4U, My BPDxW did the same, so I put passcodes on my cell phone and laptop.  That was My boundary.  She protested, but I held firm.  Not her business, in my view.  Others may feel differently, I know, but my gadgets were my only window on the outside world after I became isolated from friends and family.  Plus, she did it to manipulate and control, which was part of a pattern of abuse.

LuckyJim

[ladylee]

I'm separated but only because I did not feel safe because of his reckless behavior and I had to be closer to my job. He discarded me as soon as he knew I was not putting my new apartment in his name because of his control issues. It has been getting very bumpy. He's not in treatment but I am. I'm not sure what the answer is, it's tough to stay, I had health issues, I couldn't focus on myself and stay, he was engulfing me completely because he knew I was setting boundaries. It scared him and he wouldn't discuss what the boundaries were about, to him they were death I guess, not sure. I miss him, but not the insanity. The affection was less and less, he is deep in his illness.

[ladylee]

I started out on other message boards, but now I am on this board, after speaking to my lawyer and deciding not to rush into a divorce.  The entire idea of separating, for me, was because I had to get closer to a job that provided more sanity, then my BPD started drinking and spending our money, so that complicated matters.  Now that I have moved, our contact diminished because he is angry I am not there, and we are barely speaking.  Originally he understood the reason why I was moving and we agreed I would come home on weekends.  However, I am not entirely sure if he was lining another woman up, looking back.  Right now, I decided I will use the time for myself, because I was not getting good sleep there, we were arguing, and he had become extremely controlling, raging a lot.  I really could not focus on myself and my health staying there, and would have had to quit the job.  Quitting would have had a huge impact on my pension.  So is leaving working out?  For me, yes, because I made an investment in a piece of real estate that will appreciate, for the marriage, maybe not, but I have to remember, I married someone who needs instant gratification and daily validation.  He may not want to wait for a piece of real estate to pay off, like an adult.  Time will tell.

[RR4U]

I'm trying to find a place that I can go to. I need to get my thoughts together. I can't take the day to day fighting or feeling that no matter what I do is wrong.  It's so hard to make the move. I guess the hard part is that I may be happier, which makes me feel bad.  I appreciate all the responses it's great to know I'm not alone

[Rabbit04]

I'm trying to find a place that I can go to. I need to get my thoughts together. I can't take the day to day fighting or feeling that no matter what I do is wrong.  It's so hard to make the move. I guess the hard part is that I may be happier, which makes me feel bad.  I appreciate all the responses it's great to know I'm not alone

I'm not married to my bf, but no way are you alone. Can totally relate especially with the "no matter what i do is wrong, not enough, not the right thing and does not make him feel valued."

I just now am trying some actual space between us, because I could not handle it anymore. Good luck to you. Hang in there.

[Lucky Jim]

I guess the hard part is that I may be happier, which makes me feel bad.  I appreciate all the responses it's great to know I'm not alone

Hey RR4U, No, you're not alone.  Why should you feel bad about trying to be happy?  You are, of course, entitled to your feelings, but this sounds like a remnant of BPD F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt).  Try to find the right path for yourself.  What would make you happier?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[RR4U]

True FOG does make sense.  I've been in it for a long time. Seeing it finally and trying to make a move. I sometimes think this is harder then just staying.  But my happiness is starting to be more important then what's easy.  Going to keep going to counseling.  Every day is a step closer to figuring it all out.  Glad to have this group it's good to read other stories.  We gain some insight from what others have been through and currently going through. Thank you all !