Thanks, thisagain!
Last night when I went to bed, I was scared I'd lost the connection to her, the commitment. Oh but did it come back.
I try to meet people, but since I'm thinking about her every second, real honest dating is out of the question for a while.
We've officially been separated for 3 months, but during that time, up until 3 weeks ago, we had cycles of coming closer again, sometimes romantically, sexuallly, practically, emotionally, sometimes with lots of never-seen-before trust building up. All these cycles ended in some drama and in "this is it, for good" - which makes it quite hard on a soft soul like mine.
The last good phase was almost too good, she apologized and confided things in me about her situation I doubt anybody else knows.
The problem is, there is an external obstacle involved that currently makes it impossible for us to work.
Up to the last drama she said she's confused, torn, doesn't know what she wants, is very much into me. Then the drama/explosion came, we sort of mutually in the heat of the moment decided to go NC for a while (neither of us really wanted it, I guess).
So that was 3 weeks ago, and there are 4 more weeks of enforced physical distance coming up. "Getting away from it all", for her. I hope it will help remove the obstacle.
We really like each other a lot, are very much into each other physically, are quite compatible and are both intense but also tender personalities, both with probably BPD/npd traits. We are crazy for each other
Even in the direct wake of those dramas and explosions we ensure each other we love each other like on the first day and that there's a connection that can never be cut. The way things unfolded, we never had a real (2nd) chance, where we'd work on things. So I'm holding on to the fact that we never really tried, but should. The first time around with us, it worked quite well (apart from us both getting too clingy), and I think with obstacles removed, we could make it work, with mutual work on ourselves involved (we both agreed to start therapy during the last good time). We've been identifying our dynamics so much, it's almost scary, and since we have similar problems, even though we are a highly explosive mix, it could work very well.
Before writing this, I was losing hope, but right now, I'm so in love with her again, that I'm almost sure we'll get another chance, at least I hope so very much, and I'm holding on to the hope for a few more weeks. I hope that even during those really rough times, we built up something we can pick up from, when circumstances are better. Whenever there's nothing inbetween us, we're really good for each other, both growing. When there's something blocking us, we're quite toxic. It's almost like nature saying "Just be together, guys. You're quite a good match and good for each other. Don't be scared and ruin this chance." Actually, also the separations and escalations have an immense growth effect. (Sorry for being so ... .romantic? magical? nostalgic?) For the outside observer we oscillate between "true, intense crazy love" and "this isn't going to end well". I think even though we were really close during the relationship, these explosive times afterwards brought us closer every time. She sometimes fears it has been breaking things, and yes, the wounds are there, but I think we're growing, learning from it, no matter what. I'll invite you to the wedding, even if it's 10 years down the line
Sorry for the long post, so much on my chest.
Cheers <3
