He was reaching out to me...and others

[shatra]

   I feel sad and confused about my ex.  When we had been together for 8 years already, and he said/acted like things were going well, he abruptly did 2 things:

1)  Connected with me more often----with more texts and more dates

yet at the same time

2)  Reactivated his dating website profile (which he denied and said "hackers" had reactivated it)

   and when I discovered the profile

3)  He (or the "hackers"!)  kept the profile up but never accessed it and never contacted people for dates again as soon as I discovered it.  We broke up 2 months later.

  Has anyone experienced something like this?

  Why get closer to me if he's looking for other people?

  Why look for other people as he got closer to me?

  Why keep the profile running but not actually use it?

  Why not use the dating website, even after we broke up?

  Maybe I'm looking for something to make sense with a pers. disorder

[Grissum69]

  Why get closer to me if he's looking for other people? = just incase, your safe and can used to there content

  Why look for other people as he got closer to me?  = safe zone for the time being

  Why keep the profile running but not actually use it?  = Temporary thing in case nothing else is at home for the moment

  Why not use the dating website, even after we broke up? = already had something in " the wait"

That's the closest I can come up with but I could be wrong, and yes I have experienced it one too many times.

[shatra]

Grissum wrote

Why get closer to me if he's looking for other people? = just incase, your safe and can used to there content

----Just in case it didn't work out with me, is that what you mean?  True, but he actually was pulling me in closer just as he placed the profile again

  Why look for other people as he got closer to me?  = safe zone for the time being

----So the others were the safe zone (back up) while he risked getting closer to me?

  Why keep the profile running but not actually use it?  = Temporary thing in case nothing else is at home for the moment

----Temporary flings through the website... .I'm disgusted that he did that after 8 years together, and telling me it was going great between us!

  Why not use the dating website, even after we broke up? = already had something in " the wait"

-----Yes he might have hooked up with someone/ many ones from the website by the time he and I split up

That's the closest I can come up with but I could be wrong

[Learning_curve74]

One of the most popular books about BPD is titled "I hate you, don't leave me" and that sums it up pretty well.

I apologize if this is insulting to the mentally ill, but if you want to understand crazy, then be prepared to think crazy. Let go of what you think is right and be willing to step inside their head instead. Intimacy is triggering for a BPD. The more they love you, often the more they want to push you away. Child abuse is heavily linked to BPD, and if you realize that an abused child is often hurt the most by a person who is also the person they love the most, you can see how their emotional lives become so dysfunctional.

[disillusionedandsore]

Have you ever given thought to the possibility that he was always reaching out to you and others,  during the 8 years?  In other words that it was not a new behavior,  although it might be new to your awareness? Unfortunately a lot of people do both... .

[Herodias]

Mine was "reaching out to others" the whole 9 years I was with him. I was in denial about it until he had the woman in my bed. No more denial! He had dating sites and still does. His pregnant gf doesn't know yet- who knows how long it will take her. It's not ever going to make sense to me- his reality is not mine. It's very sad.

[shatra]

Leaarning curve wrote---

  Intimacy is triggering for a BPD. The more they love you, often the more they want to push you away.

===== True... .he was pulling me closer at the same time that he first placed the dating profile up!

Disillusionedsore wrote====

Have you given thought to the possibility that he was always reaching out to you and others during the 8 years?

------Thought of it, but doubt it. Plus according to the website info the profile was first put up last year, not earlier.  And it was at that time that he started spending more time with me and pulling me closer.  I could understand if he grew more distant as he put up the profile, but it was the opposite!

[shatra]

Confused that it was it was at that time that he started spending more time with me and pulling me closer.  I could understand if he grew more distant as he put up the profile, but it was the opposite!

  I guess the positive part of him looking for others , hiding it and lying is that if he was honest and told me about it he knew I'd leave, so he wanted to keep me at that point?

[Pretty Woman]

Shatra, as another poster mentioned... .be prepared to step into the mind of crazy to understand.

Mine was telling me I was the love of her life. During this time she was telling others I was a "verbal viper" and she was terrified for her safety and well-being.

This is why when you are eventually discarded no one in their circle is overly surprised.

They have been bashing you and making stuff up the whole time while pretending to be happily in love with you.

They are liars, cheats and thieves.

[Confused108]

When my ex came back into my life she had told me right before she went after me she was flirting with a guy that used to live on our block as teens. I know the guy too. He has since gotten married after him and my ex would fool around etc. she knew he was married and told me she was flirting with him via FB. Then she went after me and I had no idea what BPD was. Then she told me she was texting her ex husband, texting her ex boyfriend, texting a fling she had meet on line that she had come to her place for 10 days last year for sex. At first I thought what the heck? Then fell for her lying bs and after she dumped me I did reasearch and here I am. The point in trying to make is I feel they circle the drain with ex lovers incase we do t work out. And majority of the time we don't. There bed is Never cold!

[shatra]

Pretty woman---Yes, it sounds like she was splitting with you---telling you all good things and telling others bad things.

Confused---sounds like yours was not being honest----some people would openly tell the parnter that they want to be with others... .why would a BPD not tell you? Did she want to keepyou, and she knew if she told you about the others you might leave her? Or you might start looking for other people too?

---I still don't get why mine pulled me in closer and stepped up the contact with me, as soon as he placed the dating profile. A non would distance themself from me (or just out and out tell me they want ed to see others)... .?

[Confused108]

Pretty woman---Yes, it sounds like she was splitting with you---telling you all good things and telling others bad things.

Confused---sounds like yours was not being honest----some people would openly tell the parnter that they want to be with others... .why would a BPD not tell you? Did she want to keepyou, and she knew if she told you about the others you might leave her? Or you might start looking for other people too?

---I still don't get why mine pulled me in closer and stepped up the contact with me, as soon as he placed the dating profile. A non would distance themself from me (or just out and out tell me they want ed to see others)... .?

if you read a lot of the posts here that majority of ppl who suffer from this disorder are not honest and in my book pathological liars as well. I don't know if my ex was with these exs when she was in a so called relationship with me. But I do now know that it was obvious she was keeping her options/ connections with her ex lovers incase we didn't work out. You k ow when the BPD sabatoges their own relationships and then goes on to your replacement.

[sirensong65]

At the end of my relationship with my BPD and the final recycle, we were SUPPOSED to be re committing and working through things when I found out through a girlfriend he was back on Match.com and his profile stated he had been active within the last 24 hours.  So there was no way to lie and say he wasn't using the profile.

At the end,he seemed okay that the mask had fallen off and I was seeing the REAL guy.  He admitted to behavior and give me insight into his mind set.

When I caught him on the dating site, he said that I needed to know that he felt the need for attention from many different women and sources.  His direct quote was, "you love me, and that's nice. But when they send me a wink or say I am really cute, it feels good."

Here I was embracing him through a ___ storm he had created by leaving me at the alter.  I stood by him after that, and when he was diagnosed SCREAMING bi polar ( his term).  But that wasn't important.  Some strange chicks were telling him he was cute... .THAT MATTERED MOST.

[shatra]

Sirensong yes they crave attention. I am surprised that yours admitted to having the match.com site. Instead of lying

Confused108 wrote---

  you read a lot of the posts here that majority of ppl who suffer from this disorder are not honest and in my book pathological liars as well.

---You are right... .yet mine insisted he was "such a 100% honest guy"---I guess that was the mask? Trying to look perfect?

----I am still confused about why (even after the breakkup!) he wouldn't just admit to me that he had placed the dating website?

----I still don't get why mine pulled me in closer and upped the contact with me, as soon as he placed the dating profile. A non would distance themself from me (or just tell me they wanted to see others)... .?

[Confused108]

Sirensong yes they crave attention. I am surprised that yours admitted to having the match.com site. Instead of lying

Confused108 wrote---

  you read a lot of the posts here that majority of ppl who suffer from this disorder are not honest and in my book pathological liars as well.

---You are right... .yet mine insisted he was "such a 100% honest guy"---I guess that was the mask? Trying to look perfect?

----I am still confused about why (even after the breakkup!) he wouldn't just admit to me that he had placed the dating website?

----I still don't get why mine pulled me in closer and upped the contact with me, as soon as he placed the dating profile. A non would distance themself from me (or just tell me they wanted to see others)... .?

mine pulled me in real good right before she let the axe fall!

[sirensong65]

Well, he was pretty much caught dead in the water. My girlfriend saw him on Match and it said he was ACTIVE the last 24 hours.

He seemed relieved at the end to SHOW himself and let the mask go.  He said all of the following in the last few weeks before the final end:

I can't be myself when I am with you.

I am a piece of ___, you would be better off without me.

I don't know HOW to feel.

You have the ability to love me deeper than I can love you.

He also started vomiting up all sorts of unflattering stories that showed him to be exactly what he was.  Stories of affairs against his wife, threesomes and other swinging types of behavior with his BROTHER and his significant other, and in the bedroom he went from loving and romantic to cold, mean and pornographic.  It was heartbreaking to know THAT was the real person I just gave my heart and life to.