DD living back at home - Discussions about cleaning

[Missp]

My DD has, over the past year, gradually moved back into my home (she left 18 months ago to live with her other carer/parent, in the next street). Things have generally been good between us, with lots of deep talking and validation.

She has finally started an introductory PD group session and wants to find some DBT.  We are currently exploring the few options available.  This is good because a year ago, she wanted to have nothing to do with it.

She has brought a young cat into the house (in addition to the 2 I already have). She seems to be very attached.

Last night, she had an outburst about the amount of tasks in the house I ask her to do.  She does not want to do them. In fact, they are minimal and spaced out (requests for her to vacuum the upstairs where the cat litter tray creates mess, clean the bathroom mirror, come help me chop veg for tea).  She does some of these.  She tells me that she is thinking of going back to her other carer/parent's home for a few days as it is too much for her and she dislikes my requests.

In this conversation, I validated her feelings but gently stated my truth - that living with other people needs a contribution - even a small one is better than nothing. I asked for her to suggest ways that we could compromise that would be acceptable to her - but no contribution was unacceptable to me ( I work and am still dealing with the pain of my relationship breakdown, 9 months ago).

My question is this - Am I handling this ok?  Are there any tips that could help me navigate this issue, with love and boundaries?  I'm wondering also, if the thought of working to get well is also uncomfortable for her and this is connected to this... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Missp, it is good to see you back!

For what it's worth, I think you are handling this quite well.  Our girls struggle with anything that causes stress.  They can quite easily feel overwhelmed when responsibilities are placed on them.

My only suggestion is to get on the same page with a basic agreement like... .  all members of a household need to contribute to it's upkeep... .and build from there.  Ask her what tasks she would be willing to take on and how often and negotiate from there. 

Being flexible is important as well as holding each other accountable.

lbj

[Missp]

Thanks for that. 

Accountable and flexible - I am prepared.