New member looking for advice

[Cranberry]

My son is no longer a child. He is 32 years old and though I've tried to get him help since he was 9, nothing has ever worked. His IQ is through the roof (165) so he can (and has!) talked police into asking me to apologize to him! Sunday he escalated his self-harming to the point where I went to the hospital to try to get someone to help me. No luck. He isn't a 'cutter', but he hits himself, threatens suicide (he owns multiple weapons), and smokes a lot of marijuana. He is a bartender so he drinks too. I'm pretty sure he doesn't do any other drugs.

So on Sunday I just couldn't take it anymore. He doesn't live with me, but he had called to beg me for help with the threat that if I didn't come over and help him find a way out of his current situation he would kill himself. He sounded so sincere... .  but when I got there, all he could do was rage, beat himself, and rage some more. I tried and tried to get him to stop and to help him get that plan going that he said he wanted, but the rage just kept on. I finally left and, after going to the hospital to seek help, called our generally untrained and incompetent police.

Here's what I am uncertain about. I believe my son has BPD, but I also see narcissism and sociopathic tendencies. I hope that my actions were the right thing to do: I wrote him and told him not to contact me anymore. I can not help him, I can't stop him from hurting himself, he is no longer a child and there is nothing more I can or will do for him. His answer - "OK. I love you. Goodbye." He sounds like a reasonable person, right? He said "I love you" didn't he? How can I be so cruel? Which, I think (?) is what he wants me to think.  Now, of course, I am frightened, feel guilty, and have pretty continuous panic attacks.

I have made an appointment with a therapist for me on Monday, but that is still a few days away and I just feel I need to hear from someone who might understand. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[llbee814]

Hello Cranberry,

     I am so sorry to read that you are going through such a tough time.  I'm pretty sure almost everyone else on here can relate to what you are talking about.  It doesn't matter whether it's a son or daughter, or what their age may be.  It's what us parents experience when we have children that have these issues.  I, too, have felt the despair of trying to help my daughter when it was quite clear that she really didn't want help.  I'm glad that you are going to get help for you.  Hang in there and take care of yourself first and then you can decide what direction you want or are able to go with your son.  For my daughter and I,  my embracing "radical acceptance" has helped.  You can read about that and other tools that may help you on here.  I wish you peace, llbee.

[Lollypop]

Hi Cranberry

It took a lot of courage to write your letter and you feel so much because you care so much. I know you know this already but but I felt it important to say, just like we all know our children love us despite everything.

My BPDs is 25 and can't or doesn't want to help himself. He says he wants a normal life but his actions indicate otherwise. There's nothing we can do any more. Bpds is "quiet" and doesn't rage but his expectations of us are too high. Entirely different circumstances to yours but the end result the same: realisation that they need to help themselves.

You too need to look after yourself and it's great news youre seeing somebody to talk through your anxiety. Keep busy, get out for a walk, relax doing something you like and try hard to push those negative thoughts away. they're just wasted energy, what energy you do have is better spent on yourself.

You're not on your own

L

[lbjnltx]

Hi Cranberry and welcome to the parenting board, we are very glad to have you here.

I'm sorry to learn that your son is in such extreme pain and that you are too. 

What we, the parents, have learned is that we must take care of ourselves and learn some skills to manage our pain so that we don't live in these extreme states... .so that we don't follow our children down the rabbit hole.

While we don't have the ability to change our kids, we do have the ability to change ourselves.   As we learn these skills and practice them sometimes our relationships with our kids improve (we can tolerate more without such a negative impact on us and can stay in relationship with them) and sometimes it even helps our kids help themselves.

I hope that your therapist is able to connect with you well and help you get some relief from the pain.  We are here too and want to help.



lbjnltx