broke up moved out..found she had sex with three different guys in three weeks

[Chad B.]

Ok guys... I've lived with my girlfriend for two years... Recently we broke up she says because of my choices to not give her kids. So I moved out. She immediately distanced herself from me even though she kept saying she needs time. Her cousin came to town from another country and so I gave her the space required as to not smother her. She went down to Indy the second week of me moving out with her cousin to see family and celebrate her birthday she met up with an old acquaintance from high school at a club where she then had sex with him in a car! Then the following week I find out shes on Tinder because her phone kept blowing up while I was there with her to watch a movie, well that ended the evening in a whole hurry with me yelling at her and me leaving very angry... so she tells me she is just trying to make new friends because she doesn't have any of her own here in Michigan.  So I try to let that go... .another week goes by and keep in mind she keeps texting me and calling me to check in as if she has done nothing... another week goes by I call her to invite her over to my new place and she tells me she wants to study and stay in... fine.  well I call her later and after many worried texts that she wasn't returning and phone calls i finally get a text back... .im drunk at the bar... after many texts I called her out on her behavior and as anyone with BPD knows it doesn't go over so well... The next morning comes after I leave her a message saying we are over for good to never call me or text me.  I get a call we need to talk, something is really wrong with me she says... I find out after a couple hour interrogation because she wasn't coming clean about everything what she had done.  She admitted to meeting a total stranger from Tinder, had coffee then invited him back to the house for drinks which then led to sex. The night at the bar she found a stranger got drunk with him and went back to his house and had sex with him...   oh and by the way she had been drinking everyday since I moved out which is not like her either.   

After our talk she wants to work it out between us says she feels like a slut but doesn't have feeling about right or wrong rite now.  She knows she hurt me but really hasn't shown me any remorse for her actions... she is still cold and distant.  Im desperate for educated BPD advice please help...

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[Daniell85]

BPD recycles a lot.

You can of run into a problem where you are broken up but don't feel like it is quite over.

The thing is, once you break up, it's none of your business who she is sleeping with.

I doubt she does feel very much remorse. She wants kids, you said no. She believes you.

Children are a huge thing to anyone and this points to a fundamental difference in perspectives on life. Asking someone to be in a relationship with you, who wants children, and then telling them no you won't have them is a very good reason to break up and not put more love, time, and energy into that relationship.


You sound like you are still in school? That is college?

Are you willing to revisit the idea of children? If you can't be open to that possibility, then you will head for another breakup and her trying to soothe her pain and attempts to detach from you... by sleeping with other people.

I know it's gutting to have your partner "break up" and have sex with someone else. (Been there) but until you can over come some basic life outlooks, you will keep getting hurt as she runs away to uses other people to try and make herself feel better.

When people say they mean time, they usually mean it. Time is more than a week. Time is until she decides she has had enough space.

Rough situation, I am sorry you are going through such a painful situation.  

Have you been able to read some of the lessons on the site. To the right of this page are lessons. It  will really help orient you about BPD to read them, and the links at the top pf the page.

[tryingsome]

So, what do you want out of this relationship?

Make sure you are concise, as she may or may not be able to provide the type of relationship you are seeking.

As far as improving. The idea of space is tricky.

What I have found is that giving a pwBPD physical space is bad.

Usually they will find comfort somewhere else whether the opposite sex or with other friends. This usually weakens the relationship.

When I hear a pwBPD say they want/need space/time, that means emotional space.

No talking about the relationship. Stay physically together, but keep things light hearted. Keep things upbeat.

Suppose you are addressing the topic of children. An appropriate response might be:

there is no one I would rather have children with then you.

perhaps this is a topic we can revisit in a year or two when I am ready.

I know you are ready, but I am glad you can support my decision till I am ready.

Currently I am scared and hope you can support me.

Also never mention what happened when you two broke up.

She shagged a bunch of people. If you are okay with it, then continue the relationship.

If it is going to eat at you, then you might as well end it.

If you worry about it to her, bring it up; she is going to have a lot of shame for it.

That shame will eat away at rest of the relationship. It will cause her not to confide in you.

It will also make it show she will be dishonest in the future.

Good luck. Accept, accept, accept. That is my recommendation to improve the relationship.

[waverider]

 

welcome Chad B

It is hard living the high intensity of BPD relationships. These do involve endless cycles of extreme emotions and over the top actions. Moderation and balance are alien concepts to them.

In her mind what she does is her business, private and nothing to do with you. It is extreme behavior in a desperate attempt to soothe a hole in their life that cant be filled.


Does she feel regret, yes, but only fleeting and in regards to the fact that whatever she did failed to fill a need, hence she then tries something else. It has nothing to do with its affect on you.

Can you let this go and move on will be the key to keeping this alive. It is not the issue at hand that is the problem it is the pattern of behavior. This sort of thing is likely to happen again if not over this issue them something else.

Under duress a pwBPD will go for a a quick fix soothe, regardless of potential consequencies

[Notwendy]

I think Daniell has highlighted a big issue between people, one that is a deal breaker for many: the decision to have children. This is not something that people easily compromise on, one way or the other. IMHO, it isn't fair to expect someone who wants children to stay in a relationship with someone who does not. This could also be said the other way around. It is a recipe for at least one person to be unhappy.

In addition, pw BPD tend to be impulsive. If she is sleeping around, she may very well get her wish. But all you can control is your part in this.