How to I help my 21yr old son with BPD become independent?

[gardengurl]

Hi, I just joined the group.  My 21 yr. old son was released from the Marines for attempted suicide.  After finally getting him to a doctor he was diagnosed with a Personality and Mood Disorder, which after reading about them I've come to the conclusion that the Personality Disorder is BPD.  He's extremely defiant, explosive, and verbally abusive.  I've given him agreement after agreement with very reasonable (to me) requirements including getting a job.  He refuses.  I don't know what to do!  He has bills to pay and I don't feel that it's right for me to pay them when he could go get work.  He managed through the marines just fine even with his depression to get up on time and show up to work.  Can someone help me with how I should hold him accountable? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi  and Welcome 

It is so hard to stand by and watch our young adult children fail

I'm assuming that he is living with you since his medical discharge from the marines... .?

It's important that we not rescue or do for our kids what they are able to do for themselves.  If his bills don't get paid... .then they don't and he will have to figure something out.  We can help them figure it out, we can provide opportunities for them to help themselves while not doing it for them or orchestrating the outcome.

What boundaries/limits do you think you need to set around him living in your home?

Here are some things to think about that most parents have put into place.  It's very very important that you be 100% committed to enforcing the consequences of not meeting these limits and boundaries before setting them.  Some may have some wiggle room... .some  may not.

Get job... .how many hours minimum?  Be in therapy?  How often?  Pay his own bills?  Will he need to contribute to the household?  Is there a time limit to start meeting these requirements?  How long? 

Is he going to any kind of therapy or taking meds for depression? 


lbj

[bpdmom1]

My stepson is a VA and was released as he was diagnosed with type one diabetes.  He has VA benefits and was also getting paid to attend college through a voc rehab program.  Maybe this is something your son can look into. 

[Someday . . .]

Hi Gardengurl,

What Ljbntlx said is true "it's important that we not rescue or do for our kids what they are able to do for themselves".  However, and this is a tough one, I feel that it's a gray area as to what a person is able to do for themselves and what they are not able to do.   Do you feel that your son functions at a high enough level to get a job?  I don't remember the exact percentage, but there is a decent percentage of people with BPD that are unable to function at a level where they are able to get a job and/or sustain a job.  You mentioned that when he was in the military that he was able to get up on time and show up for work.  It is known that a person (low functioning?) with BPD is able to perform tasks/work when there is structure and support (i.e. military).  That doesn't mean that it can translate into doing the same things when that structure and support is no longer there (i.e. living at home).  Also, it is well documented that a person with BPD can one day function at a higher level than let's say another day.  Alan Fruzetti's example was:  when Alan goes skiing, if you watch him in the morning he may ski down black diamond slopes easy and effortlessly, later in the day you can see him again and he may be falling or just not skiing as easily.  What was the difference?  Maybe Alan had hurt his knee, maybe the snow was different in the afternoon, maybe he was really tired from overexerting himself in the morning skiing" etc.  Let's put that same example to work for your son; throughout the day things may come up that you are not aware of, perhaps emotionally something has triggered him and he's not in the best of places emotionally - that could translate into not being as adept doing something that just the day before he could.  So just remember, just because he is able to do something one day does not mean that he is able to do it the next.  Each day his level of functioning may look different. As far as holding him accountable, I am a huge proponent of collaboration.  The more that you are able to get his input what he is able to do and what he isn't is a game changer.  I would start off with something small such as if he is able to pay for one bill.  Could he call the bill company and discuss payments or at least give the company a description of what is happening and see if his payments can be lowered?   Also, I imagine that he has a lot of self loathing for not being able to do the things that we would probably also like to be doing (work, move out, get his own place etc), Alan Fruzetti is big on validation.  If you are able to read any of his articles or videos about validation, it really can be helpful for you in interacting with your son.  From there you might be able to build on that and have more open and honest communication.  The best of everything to you and your son!

[justnothing]

Might be worth looking into disability. People often have very strong reactions to that suggestion but disability doesn’t have to be forever and it could also mean different potential recovery programs and the like.

Try to keep in mind that youngsters with BPD can often come off as being higher functioning than they really are.