How they get you to break NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been remaining very lc/nc for 8 days. This morning i get a text from my BPDexgf where is --------  street in a town near me. I tell her and in return she tells me ok i had to book a hotel for so and so's wedding in april. Now here is a wiman who is a supervisor in a police communications center. Has access at her fingertips to put any address in the state in and instantly have the info. She has internet access with google maps at her fingertips. She has an iphone with maps. The wedding is not until april. You mean to tell me that it was that imperative to contact me today to find where a hotel is for any other reason then to rub this in my face.

This is after yesterday she told me she ended the relationship bacause i would not change and move in. I told her you wanted me to move in after i repeatedly told you i was not uprooting myself and moving in and being subjected to your 4 or 5 days a week of full blown rages and being thrown out of your house. I told her i repeatedly told you to stop calling me constantly a piece of s--t, s--mbag,c--ksucker and so on. In turn she projected it all back in me and once again told me you are the biggest "piece of s--t ive ever met in my life"! I told her this was an abusive relationship at your hands and in turn told me i was abusive. I told her if not moving in to a volatile home is abusive then i'm guilty as charged!  She closed it with i'm a f--king a--hole and she hasn't raged since our split. Do you think she's borderline!

[Lexisdad]

I've been remaining very lc/nc for 8 days. This morning i get a text from my BPDexgf where is --------  street in a town near me. I tell her and in return she tells me ok i had to book a hotel for so and so's wedding in april. Now here is a wiman who is a supervisor in a police communications center. Has access at her fingertips to put any address in the state in and instantly have the info. She has internet access with google maps at her fingertips. She has an iphone with maps. The wedding is not until april. You mean to tell me that it was that imperative to contact me today to find where a hotel is for any other reason then to rub this in my face.

This is after yesterday she told me she ended the relationship bacause i would not change and move in. I told her you wanted me to move in after i repeatedly told you i was not uprooting myself and moving in and being subjected to your 4 or 5 days a week of full blown rages and being thrown out of your house. I told her i repeatedly told you to stop calling me constantly a piece of s--t, s--mbag,c--ksucker and so on. In turn she projected it all back in me and once again told me you are the biggest "piece of s--t ive ever met in my life"! I told her this was an abusive relationship at your hands and in turn told me i was abusive. I told her if not moving in to a volatile home is abusive then i'm guilty as charged!  She closed it with i'm a f--king a--hole and she hasn't raged since our split. Do you think she's borderline!

[Crazytoo]

Leaves you dumbfounded, right? How does it make you feel?

Did you end the relationship or initiate NC?

I got a message from mine a few days ago. We had decided to go lc/nc for a while to curb our toxic interactions. She went on vacation for 3 weeks, we said some time after she's back we can meet and talk and see where we're at.

Not even one week into her vacation she sends me the first email she's ever sent me, only to remind me that she doesn't want to get back together again and better remain friends. (Going back to the r/s at this point was really out of the question, although I would instantly do it).

Why the dagger?

[Lexisdad]

Crazytoo,

Quick recap of r/s. Been with her for 6 years and have been dealing with her BPD rages, dyllusional jeoulosy, major insecurity and trust issues. Really loved her like no other. Stunningly beautiful, sexy and a high functioning pwBPD. December 4 scheduled for an invitro procedure for her become pregnant. October 1 st to December 3rd full blown out if control rages totalling no less than 10, thrown out of her house 3 times in 10 days. Bought a 14k engagement ring to propose xmas eve at her families knowing she would have invitro results.

Day before invitro cancels procedure, ends relationship and placed all blame on me. Have been pretty lc/ nc since then. This woman broke my hearr like no other and she really could care less.

[Crazytoo]

Oh Lexisdad, I can't begin to imagine how painful all this must be for you. You have my sympathy!

Do you on a gut level have the feeling that it's really over? Or that the procedure and everything it would mean for her life situation scared her to death making her cause such havoc, but that after a (long) while she might return to being who she was before and maybe want the r/s back? Or did she maybe find out about the ring?

My troubles seem so insignificant compared to yours.

[apollotech]

Lexisdad,

It's not so much what she does to get you to break NC as it is why did you break NC? In the example you've given, what she needed was a very trivial matter. As you stated, she certainly didn't need your help in finding a hotel or street. But, you responded. I think if you're going to maintain some semblance of NC or LC, it's going to be up to you to choose what you respond to.

[Lexisdad]

This was the second time for in vitro. First time in 2013 full blown rage. She knew about the ring because when she ended the r/s i left it on dresser on the way out. No i don't beleive she wants the r/s. In my opinion i beleive she painted me black to her family and son and most likely claimed to them i cheated on her seeing every other man did. She would never admit any wrong doing to them so i'm sure thats the case.

[Caley]

Do you need a diagnosis?

She's a little on the touch, crackers. But wait, it's your fault she rages and is crackers (apparently) ... and not being able to control you is driving her even more crackers.

She's paying you a compliment ... you're strong physically, mentally and emotionally ... and all her little ways ... you got wise to. She's mad, bad and sad ... that the game is up and she hasn't won.

The answers are in your own questions if you look.

I wouldn't imagine, for a moment you're the dull type ... far from it. But if you want out of this permanently ... it would pay dividends if you suddenly become Mr. Grey who will answer her calls of distress after you explain that you first need to weed the garden, clean the toilet brushes and organise board games alphabetically. Oh, and the holes in your underpants that need darning ... !

Drastic, I know ... but it works.

Best wishes.

[Lexisdad]

Appolo,

Your right about me breaking nc. Fact is i've never treated this woman sh-tty ever and am having such a hard time being that way even with the immense heartache she has caused me. The fact is they are emotional vampires and were all here because we were caught up in their vortex of craziness and were all trying to get out of the tailspin we were left in.

Looking back at her reason for contacting me today for that reason is really insane. In this day and age we all have smartphones. Her job allows her instantaneous access to that info. I 'll admit i fell for the bulls--t hook line and sinker today.

Ive only been on these boards for a month. People must read my story and be in awe of the craziness i put up with for 6 years. I don't think ive ever heard of a woman backing out of invitro once but twice is insane. The rages, jeoulosy and trust and insecurity were insane. For those who don't know i have an 11 year old daughter. She suffered from a medical negligence severe brain damage. She is non verbal with quadriplegia. Has has numerous medical issues. This woman was no less than amazing the way she cared for and loved this little girl. However, my ex wife and i get along very well. There are numerous decisions constantly to be made regarding courses if treatment and rehab. My ex wife is also remarried and got along well with my BPDex. However along with every other supposed affair i was having she was dyllusionaly jeoulous that i was still having sex with my ex wife.

[blackbirdsong]

I agree with apollotec here.

Often we give them supernatural powers like they are controling us.

And the truth is, we need to sort out our own issues and reasons why we respond.

For breaking the NC takes two.

But I know why did you do that. It is not that I am blaming you. I am just trying to give you an advice that you realize that she doesn't control you. Only you should control your actions. And only you are responsible for them.

So, the whole topic title is misleading if you ask me, and I think it is actually unhealthy for you to think like this.

Stay strong

[zeus123]

lexidad. you say that BPD is an emotional vampire, and that is a very accurate description about who they are!. but why do you break NC if she tries to contact you if you know what she is.

[apollotech]

Appolo,

Your right about me breaking nc. Fact is i've never treated this woman sh-tty ever and am having such a hard time being that way even with the immense heartache she has caused me. The fact is they are emotional vampires and were all here because we were caught up in their vortex of craziness and were all trying to get out of the tailspin we were left in.

Looking back at her reason for contacting me today for that reason is really insane. In this day and age we all have smartphones. Her job allows her instantaneous access to that info. I 'll admit i fell for the bulls--t hook line and sinker today.

Lexisdad,

Please don't get me wrong, I wasn't scolding you for breaking NC. All I was pointing out is that ultimately, it will likely be you that will have to choose whether or not NC is maintained. I understand the need to feel like you should respond, that's normal, that's just being courteous and respectful of others. Under normal circumstances that's expected. But, when dealing with a person that has an "attachment" disorder, a person that you're trying to distance yourself from, the norm doesn't apply. Think of it this way: choosing what you reply to isn't being disrespectful to her, but instead, it is being respectful of yourself.

I am a year out of my relationship, and my ex is still texting me. Most of the text are of the type "I just wanted to say hi." or "I was thinking of you.", etc. Those I don't respond to. She sent me a Merry Christmas text at Christmas. I responded to that wishing her the same, because for me, I did hope that she was having a merry Christmas. I also knew that I was not going to be pulled into a conversation with her if she attempted to continued the conversation. I'm not advising you to follow my example; you have to do what works for you. I do advise you to take care of yourself first, respect yourself first in choosing what you do.

[Lexisdad]

Well everyone now we know why the insignificant text this morning. I finally got the text that i never got from the split. It s been 3 months. She states she has been thinking and really misses me and is in love with me but couldnt go on fighting constantly and that this has been very hard on her. I know in my hearr i could never go back to the craziness so i can not answer her. There was a method to the madness this morning.

[Driver]

lexidad. you say that BPD is an emotional vampire, and that is a very accurate description about who they are!. but why do you break NC if she tries to contact you if you know what she is.

I guess we all know they are emotional vampires, but that's our reason talking. Our heart sometimes does foolish things and doesn't listen to the reason, that's why some of us break NC.

[La Carotte]

Lexisdad, I've read your posts, and you are the person whose story most resonates with mine, in terms of the constant paranoid jealousy and rages and appalling name calling and verbal/emotional abuse you have experienced, and your responses- trying to be reasonable and kind and understanding, and replying when she gets in touch because it's polite and kind... .I am the last person to advise you, given how many times I've let myself, and my daughter down, by believing that this time... .This time... .

But as the people who care for me most ask me, Why is this time going to be any different? (Or they would if I told them any more)

Of course she loves and cares for you. She wouldn't be so obsessively jealous if she didn't. And of course she doesn't want to be like this and say those vile things. Who would? She loves you. But the end result is still the same.

And of course you want to belive that this time, this time. Why wouldn't you?  But you know really.

Or maybe this is all just me, and I'm projecting. But somehow I don't think so.

Take care of you and your girl, Lexisdad 

[Lexisdad]

Finally,

We are all here for the same reasons. Were hurt and looking for answers. I have been thru some really tough things in life but there is no doubt this person decimated me. I allowed her to do the things she did to me and i'm as mad at myself as i am at her. Theres no doubt she loves me and still can't totally let go after 3 months. After all this time no matter how good she was to my daughter the bottom line is she treated me like s--t. I've been dealing with her behavior towards me for five years. She is not going to change ever. She s never had one stable relationship and mine is no different. The guys before me are no bums. One is a police officer like myself, one is a it manager for a major hospital and one is the owner of two well established restaurants. She certainly is not lacking as far as her looks but she is unable to have a loving relationship built on the fundamentals of trust,admiration and respect. Theres a reason why at 36 years old she was never engaged before my short lived one or married.

I guess as they say we really are good guys to put up with what are no doubt emotionally and in my case a severelly verbally abusive relationship. Sadly i feel sorry for her 13 year old son. He's a great kid but has seen mom with men in and out of his and her life. He will pay the price because like he did with me i'm sure he was witness to her rages in her prior relationships.

[JQ]

Hello Lexisdad,

I was wondering how you & your daughter were doing.  I hope that the retirement & relocation plans are going well for you & Lexi and that you're enjoying much warmer weather if not now in the very near future.

Some observations of mine after reading this a few times ... .when you first came here you were told that there is no judging from anyone here because we've been where you are. I told you that we can't walk this journey for you but will be there when you stumble and you did stumble. When you do, someone will be there to pick you up, dust you off and straighten you back up. It's then up to YOU to decide to sit back down, continue on the path that you're on or take the path to the right and see where that leads to.

You decided you have had enough of her flying monkey's being released to cause chaos & drama. That the best course forward NOT only for you but for Lexi too was to go NC, retire, relocate and enjoy YOUR life in peace with your loving daughter.  8 days in your self imposed NC, she does what other BPDs have done and sent out a "distress message" for you to help her.  And being the law enforcement guy you are truly caring for everyone else it's in your nature not to second think such a request so you answered her. IMHO, this is where you stumbled ... .now as promised ... .here's a hand to help you up brother.

Having never met you I can tell that you are a good hearted soul, caring & giving of yourself ... .it's what made you a great law enforcement officer all these years. At your core you want to protect people and I have no doubt that you have saved more then one person over all the years of service you have given. You are the text book definition of a co-dependent, caregiver, protector, perfectionist ... .Lexi is so very lucky to have a dad like you.

8 days NC was a good start, but like others it was the first attempt, how many more is certainly up to you and how strong you remain & the things YOU KNOW you MUST do in order to move forward without the threat of flying monkey's circling overhead. You know in order to go truly NC you need to change your cell number & honestly it might not be a bad idea giving the fact that you're moving to a new area code. Having been stationed in the Philly area I'm used to using my full 10 digit phone number when I give it out. Now where I retired to in the country still uses 7 digits since they only have the one area code ... .it's one of the first adjustments to retirement I had to get use too. 

Those who have BPD have an extreme fear of abandonment & engulfment ... .just 2 symptoms of BPD mental illness. IMHO, the in vitro & ring triggered her extreme fears of engulfment which led to her constant raging, accusations, jealousy, etc. etc. etc. It's not an excuse for how she behaves but it's a CAUSE & EFFECT! When you thought through everything that you & Lexi had been through over 6 years YOU decided it was best to go NC. This triggered her extreme fear of abandonment ... .again NOT AN EXCUSE but a CAUSE & EFFECT.  Remember LD, YOU are NOT responsible for her happiness ... .YOU are responsible for YOU & YOUR happiness and need to move towards that.

She sent out the "sniping" text this morning ... .see if it hit the target. It did because you responded to what you thought at first was a simple request. In her mind she saw this as a means to say I still care for you, thinking about you ... .etc. etc. etc.  LD she has a serious "cluster B" mental illness that defies logic.  She's displaying very typical behavior of BPD with the sniping text, or calls or emails trying not to lose the r/s however toxic & dysfunctional it is. She's trying to avoid the overwhelming feeling of abandonment that she has brought about herself. She has never learned to process in a normal manner her behavior of feelings due to her mental illness ... .and sadly evidence shows without constant professional therapy she never will if ever.

Other examples of this by Apollo, "I am a year out of my relationship, and my ex is still texting me. Most of the text are of the type "I just wanted to say hi." or "I was thinking of you.", etc."  My exBPDgf did the same thing ... .exact same words. Crazytoo has had the same sniping after his BPD said it was over with.  Because of damage done to their mental health early in their respectful childhood of feeling or actually being abandoned they never EVER want to let go. In their mind they want to have that contact of some sort of way. Another example, my exBPDgf kept every gift, trinket, hotel room key, etc. from every bf from the previous 30 years. How do I know? Because she showed them to me one weekend I was with her when I asked her about a couple of teddy bears. She told me in an innocent way it was to remember those who have meant something to her over the years. A physical attachment ... .a series of them so in her mind they're never really gone. When you think about it, kinda scary ... .it has the makings of a thriller movie.  She has told me some of the names of her "exbfs" from years before. She continues to stay in touch with them via FB & other social media ... .even though most if not all are married w/ kids. Innocent? Hard to say giving her history turbulent relationships and wanting never to let go, never to feel abandon by them. 

You said, "I allowed her to do the things she did to me and i'm as mad at myself as i am at her."  Brother don't be mad at yourself ... .use this a yet another lesson in life.  It seems that you have because you said this, "She is not going to change ever. She s never had one stable relationship and mine is no different."  Can you see in your statement 2 of the 3 C's of BPD?  YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  You also said, "she is unable to have a loving relationship built on the fundamentals of trust,admiration and respect."   You have come very far in a short period of time my friend ! 

Not to assume anything here, but it appears that you want to take the path to the right and see where that leads too. To start the clock again on your NC ... .BTW ... .after 30 days of NC you get a NC coin ... .like they give out in AA ;-)  Then another one at 6 mths & annually there after.     You need to continue to work on yourself ... .get settled in your new place ... .get Lexi settled ... .then concentrate on you ... .find a good therapist ... .help you sort through your feelings, thoughts, emotions ... .remember it's a sign of great strength to ask for help ... .as I've come to learn in more then on facet in my life. It really has help and I have no doubt it will for you on your journey.  Once your emotionally free of what someone called, "emotional vampire" you will watch the sun come up with a different view of life ... .and it's such a warm & wonderful liberating moment in your life when you know ... .when you TRULY know that you're free of her BPD flying monkey's and the crazy train roller coaster is gone for good.

I would encourage the therapy not only for your continued journey through this BPD fog, but to help you with your transition into your next chapter in life of retirement. I thought I could manage it ... .it's been a difficult transition for me ... .but I think I'm finally watching the sun come up on what will be the next awesome chapter in my life.

I wish you safe travels in your journey of self discovery ... .and I wish you and Lexi safe travels in your relocation. My wish for you is that you find the peace that you seek & the happiness you so richly deserve brother ... .I have no doubt you will in the very near future.

stay in touch ... .stay safe ... .

JQ

I sincerely believe that what lies ahead of you is a wonderful retirement with your daughter Lexi in a awesome place enjoying the small things in life because YOU have certainly earned it! 

[Lexisdad]

JQ,

Thanks again you have really been an inspiration to me. No, she will never change. Just yesterday once again telling me im a " piece if s--t". Your 10 weeks out of this relationship and you still think you can call me names and your not abusive?  I don't think so. She has no idea that i've moved and theres no reason to tell her. These people really are ill. Theres no reason ever to treat someone like that and sadly we were all blinded. I will continue to remain nc and as you i believe the ring and invitro triggered her engulfement. She 's no longer my problem. I will always love her for the woman i first met but i can't be involved with the craziness anymore. I have responsibility to take care of one person in life and thats lexi. Thank you brother.

[Scopikaz]

Jq. Great stuff you shared.  My exgf of three months I've been making contact with her far too often.  She agreed to do things but only no doubt because there's no one else there fully yet and because I was paying.  Times I've tried to block her on fb or told her I was going to stop reaching out she always begs me not to.  In fact I told her Saturday I was tired of things on her terms and that I would go no contact - she said if you block me then you have to block my children too (she played that card). 

I didn't block her on fb but did unfollow her.  And I went four days without texting her.  She sent a bone my way last night. Sadly I bit.  We are supposed to go to concert in a month. But I'm hoping that by going NC as it gets closer I can be stronger and say we aren't going.  So her text asked what time the concert starts.  I'm thinking that's a month a way.  There was zero need to ask that question now. But she wanted to see if she still has control and are still going to concert.

No doubt she is working on a replacement as the two of the last three weekends when we saw eachother we spent the night together.  But she said at the concert she was going home afterwards (translation going to bars where she lives with replacement or new "friends". So she's pulling back from sex now too. 

But I'm trying to pull back too. I don't plan on initiating another text with her.

[cosmonaut]

It's not so much what she does to get you to break NC as it is why did you break NC?

Good point.  Do they get us to break NC or do we choose to do so?  Are we bystanders or active participants?

[JQ]

JQ,

Thanks again you have really been an inspiration to me. No, she will never change. Just yesterday once again telling me im a " piece if s--t". Your 10 weeks out of this relationship and you still think you can call me names and your not abusive?  I don't think so. She has no idea that i've moved and theres no reason to tell her. These people really are ill. Theres no reason ever to treat someone like that and sadly we were all blinded. I will continue to remain nc and as you i believe the ring and invitro triggered her engulfement. She 's no longer my problem. I will always love her for the woman i first met but i can't be involved with the craziness anymore. I have responsibility to take care of one person in life and thats lexi. Thank you brother.

LD,

Thank you for the kind words brother ... .we take care of each other ... .we don't leave anyone behind ... .regardless of where the battlefield is. 

From her abusive language & actions it appears she is really deregulating and her fears of abandonment are intense. You're correct, in a "NORMAL"  healthy relationship there is NO need or place for that kind of verbal, emotional, mental & physical abuse. BUT as you've come to learn those who have BPD mental illness is not now or ever will be normal healthy relationship. I just watched an educational show on new MRI brain mapping of people with cluster B mental illnesses like that of BPD & schizophrenia. They have determined that those with schizophrenia have significant less neuro highways & connections that causes some of the issues they have. There are several studies about BPD mental illness and whether it's environmental or physical deficiency of neuro connections or a combination of all of it. What is certain is that the frontal cortex that regulates emotions, feelings, behavior is severely broken and unlike a heart attack can NOT be fixed with bypass surgery. 

As I've said before ... .it's ok to miss her ... .it's ok to love her ... .she was a significant part of your life for a little while.  But know that the 51% rule of self preservation applies here ... .you have to protect yourself and it appears that you're on a good path ... .as tough as it is ... .you're doing a great!  I'll PM to your email ... .

Come back as often as you need too ... .as often as you want too and during those moments where you feel like reaching out to her and know the nothing good would come from it ... .come here and start a thread up ... .it's somewhat therapeutic  ... .   

Glad to hear the move went well ... .and that she doesn't know ... .you're right if she does ... .I would bet all that I have that she would soon show up on your doorstep ... .it's just what they do.

Remember ... .use sunscreen! 

Take care brother ... .stay safe!

JQ

[JQ]

Jq. Great stuff you shared.  My exgf of three months I've been making contact with her far too often.  She agreed to do things but only no doubt because there's no one else there fully yet and because I was paying.  Times I've tried to block her on fb or told her I was going to stop reaching out she always begs me not to.  In fact I told her Saturday I was tired of things on her terms and that I would go no contact - she said if you block me then you have to block my children too (she played that card). 

I didn't block her on fb but did unfollow her.  And I went four days without texting her.  She sent a bone my way last night. Sadly I bit.  We are supposed to go to concert in a month. But I'm hoping that by going NC as it gets closer I can be stronger and say we aren't going.  So her text asked what time the concert starts.  I'm thinking that's a month a way.  There was zero need to ask that question now. But she wanted to see if she still has control and are still going to concert.

No doubt she is working on a replacement as the two of the last three weekends when we saw eachother we spent the night together.  But she said at the concert she was going home afterwards (translation going to bars where she lives with replacement or new "friends". So she's pulling back from sex now too. 

But I'm trying to pull back too. I don't plan on initiating another text with her.

Hi Scopikaz,

I can see by your post that your learning, growing on your journey ... .this is a good thing     I know it's tough and at times seems next to impossible to maintain NC ... .but remain strong if this is what you truly want ... .no one can do it for you Scopikaz ... .you have to really decide if this is what you want ... .the path you want to walk.

You said, "Times I've tried to block her on fb or told her I was going to stop reaching out   In the immortal words of the Master Yoda ... ."o or do not ... .there is no try".   It seem to apply here. If you truly want to go NC, then go NC and block her from FB & other social media, don't tell her about it ... .just do it. Telling her will trigger her fears of abandonment and she will let loose with all those negative feelings, try to make you feel guilty, rage, the normal things that BPD do.

It sounds as if she's is indeed painting someone white and to avoid her intense fear of abandonment she's setting up her next r/s as she starts to paint you black. This cycle will continue over and over again ... .BUT you doing something healthy for yourself that your probably didn't even realize by even doing it. YOU set a boundary ... .you said, "In fact I told her Saturday I was tired of things on her terms ". Now the challenge for you is to maintain this boundary ... .if you do not, she knows she still has control over you & the relationship and it will be more difficult to enforce any further boundary in the future. It's like the 3 year old toddler in the grocery store acting out the first time until mommy or daddy gives them the toy or candy they want. They know by acting out they get a reward for their bad behavior ... .and this will continue until he parent decides to actually take a stand and regardless of how much the child screams & yells they won't be rewarded for bad behavior.

Just a thought ... .

Stay strong ... .work for that 30 day NC coin ! 

JQ