she is pregnant and BPD. now what...?

[djb222]

She's crazy and now pregnant. ___ me right... I had a one on one with her counselor after we found out she was pregnant to try and fix the relationship. thats when the councelor told me she has BPD and asked what I was going to do.

she is 5 months along now and I know women can be a lot more crazy when they are pregnant however I dont know if I can hang on any longer... .she may end it before me because today she told me I should move out...

I wish her parents knew I wasn't a bad guy,They already didnt really like me because of the lies she said to them about me when she was mad and now they think we should be getting married because of the kid. now I think they resent me more.

How can life get so f%@#ed up

Not sure what good this post will do but any advice would be appreciated...



Thanks

[Moselle]

djb222,

Welcome to the family . Sorry to hear of your difficult predicament. It must feel quite overwhelming. Is she aware of her therapist's diagnosis?

We are familiar with all sorts of difficult situations which members including myself go through, and we learn here that it gets better. There are good things to come, so hang in there.

My experience of family of people with BPD is that that have a lot of shame, and are looking for other people to blame things on, than themselves. Try not to take much stock of what they are saying about you.

"Today she told me I should move out". What do you think you should do?

Here are some things you might want to read. First thing is to try and stop making things worse. Have a look for "The Lessons" on the right hand side of this link

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

In the meantime, keep posting. What do you think your next steps should be?

[livednlearned]

Hi djb222,

Can you tell us a little more about what the relationship has been like, how long it's gone on, the kinds of behaviors you're dealing with? There is a big range on how BPD traits can manifest. It will help us support you better if we have a sense of the relationship dynamics and her stability (or lack thereof).

Impulsivity is a core problem with people who have BPD, and they have an unstable sense of self and feel emotions very intensely. One of the things that members here often recommend is to not get on the emotional roller coaster with their BPD person, and to stay grounded (very hard to do) and not get on the ride with them. This is even more important when there are kids involved.

It's sad but unfortunately wise that you are posting on the Family Law board. This will help you be prepared in the event she tries to sideline you from your child's life, meanwhile struggle to take care of herself and the baby if she is emotionally overwhelmed. If I were you, I would take parenting classes and start documenting a record of commitment to being a great dad, anything that you can use as factual evidence of your desire to be in your child's life.

Aside from that, read everything you can about how to validate someone's feelings. For her, feelings = facts. Validation is a way to accept and acknowledge those feelings without agreeing with the content of what she is saying. It can help minimize conflict, although if she is in a full-blown dysregulation, you'll need to switch to other skills.

If it's any consolation, my ex (N/BPD + bipolar + substance abuse) and I were married for 10 years. My son seems to have the sensitive genotype that his dad had, and even with the crazy marriage, the high-conflict divorce, and my son's issues, the love I feel for that kid and the meaningfulness I feel being his mom cannot be measured. And many of the communication skills I was not able to use with my ex, I was able to apply to my son and with hard work and a lot of determination, he is healing and growing and hopefully dodging the emotional injuries that can go along with being raised in an invalidating environment.

There's a lot to learn, and a whole bunch of collective wisdom here. Glad you found us.

You're not alone, and people here really do care.



LnL

[ForeverDad]

She's crazy and now pregnant... .that's when the counselor told me she has BPD and asked what I was going to do... .she may end it before me because today she told me I should move out.

I wish her parents knew I wasn't a bad guy,They already didn't really like me because of the lies she said to them about me when she was mad and now they think we should be getting married because of the kid. Now I think they resent me more.

My story... .I was married for a dozen years with my spouse gradually becoming more and more 'high maintenance'.  In the early years we avoided pregnancy but I came to hope that if we had a child then she would be happy and more positive with a bright new life in her world.  Sadly, that's didn't happen.  She drew away from me, almost as though she had to choose between 'her' child or me.  Well, I lost.  She became preoccupied with abusers and abductors anywhere and everywhere, calling everyone 'probably' abusers.  In the first few years she managed to drive away my family (her family was remote) and all our friends except for a few chosen supporters.  Then she turned her suspicions to me.  Oh my, that's when I realized my priority had to switch from helping her to self-protection.  What I hadn't realized was that children, while wonderful blessings, do not fix or save a troubled or unhealthy relationship.

Why do I write this?  Because marriage is not a solution, just as having a child is not a solution, if there are serious troubles with the relationship.  Yes, it is generally best to be married if you have children — I am pro-marriage even though these days even that time-honored practice is being challenged — but if the relationship is dysfunctional or failing, then getting married may solve one problem but create others.

Here's what I mean... .

If you don't get married and the relationship ends, you are still father* and if you two can't agree on your parenting arrangements, then your local domestic/family court will resolve them for you.  Yes, court may be impersonal but at least they may not be as unfair and obstructive as an entitled Ex can be.  Also, with only parenting on the table and you able to keep a large portion of your life separate and distant from hers, the conflict may be less over time.  It has been observed that the closer the relationship, the more evident and impacting the disordered poor behaviors.  Physical distance and emotional distance can be a protection for you.

If you do get married then understand that the past is a predictor of the future.  If you have discord and conflict now, getting married won't make it better long term.  The patterns most here have experienced are that it gets progressively worse over the years.  (The only realistic 'hope' for things to get better are if she (1) accepts that she has serious behavioral issues, (2) devotes herself to meaningful therapy and (3) applies it in her entire life for years.)  And then if you later decide to divorce it can get very messy and even more complicated to unwind the shared aspects of marriage - finances, assets, debts, support, parenting, etc.

That's when the counselor told me she has BPD and asked what I was going to do.

Did you notice that the counselor didn't say you should get married?  Very likely the counselor understood that marriage may make matters worse, well, unless she got into intensive therapy and applied it diligently for the years to come.  At this point she hasn't and you have no idea whether she will choose meaningful therapy and choose to apply it diligently and actually stick with it.  If she does, great!  But if she doesn't... .

The above is not written to tell you to marry or not marry.  It is to give you a perspective that is often shared here.  You can't fix her, that's largely up to her.  It would be wonderful if she would work on her issues in long term therapy but sadly you have little if any control over that.  Influence, maybe.  Encouragement and support, maybe.  Control or enforcement, no.

* You may need to prove you are the parent with inexpensive DNA testing after the birth for legal reasons.

[C.Stein]

She drew away from me, almost as though she had to choose between 'her' child or me.

This was a big fear of my with my ex if/when we did have children.    

Why do I write this?  Because marriage is not a solution, just as having a child is not a solution, if there are serious troubles with the relationship.

Couldn't agree more.  This was something I tried to get my ex to understand but I don't think she ever did.  I truly believe she thinks that getting married and having a baby (i.e. a family) is going to solve all her problems.    She didn't believe that commitment was possible without marriage and I tried my best to get her to understand that without being able to commit before marriage she would never be able to commit after.  A piece of paper and a verbal promise doesn't magically transform her into a caring, honest and trustworthy person with integrity.  In essence I think she believes marriage will make her a "good" person and all the destructive, wrong and hurtful things she does will magically go away.  

She couldn't be more wrong.  

Unfortunately I fear she will find this out the hard way and will face a depth of sadness and despair she has never experienced before.  Fortunately (?) for me I would not get married without having a stable and healthy relationship and was reluctant to even discuss building a family until we had that.   My fault was I didn't make this known to her in as many words even if it was addressed on numerous occasions ... .to no avail I might add.   She on the other hand didn't seem to care how stable (or unstable) the relationship was, she just wanted the family and it didn't really matter how she got it or at what cost.   That is not the way it works!

[djb222]

Thanks for the responses Its good to know someone is listening and I appreciate everyones input.

To answer a few questions... .No she is not aware of the counselors diagnosis and I have brought up BPD before because I think she could really use help but she completely shuts down and wont discuss it.

I have no intentions to marry here because i strongly believe it wont get better if she dosn't open up to help. I/she will not be around much longer and its killing me... like it has most of you are too familiar with. And yes the counselor was suggesting I leave the relationship because there wasnt really much that could be done... Its just tought to make the jump and move on especially now with the kid... Maybe I should wait untill after the baby is born and see if she gets help... you know for the baby...

Its my unborn son I'm really worried about. Its hard for me to imagine him growing up with her and all the emotional ups and downs. Something I know way too much about because here is the kicker... After I learned of BPD Im now sure my mom has the disorter as well. When my dad left my mom I was 15 and decided to stay with my mom when my sis left with him and I had no idea what i was in for... And I dont want my son to have to go through what I did.

I know custody is almost always granted to the mother and I would NEVER want to remove her from his life but I just think its best for him to not be around all the abuse because I think it has cause some/most of the issues/problems I have now... .

Thanks again for all the advice... let me know if you have any more, last night was rough and today she said she was going to move away at the end of the month but she has said that alot... so I dont really take her serious anymore or maybe I just try not to care.

To make it even worse I quit my job 8months ago to start my own business and with all the stress and pressure of work+baby stuff+mony problems ant of corse the BPD girlfriend  is making it hard to keep my head up but thanks again for the replys and for sharing your stories!

[livednlearned]

I know custody is almost always granted to the mother and I would NEVER want to remove her from his life but I just think its best for him to not be around all the abuse because I think it has cause some/most of the issues/problems I have now... .

There is a lot to unpack here.

Just want to say first that custody gets carved up in a bunch of ways. One parent typically gets primary physical custody, which does mean something, but in my case, it really didn't mean much at all. Because there is also legal custody, and visitation. Legal custody is about medical, educational, and sometimes religious decision-making. Visitation is about the percentage of time the child spends with both parents. Primary physical custody is like having an advantage, but it most certainly does not determine who comes out ahead.

I was curious about the facts behind the bias towards mothers. It's true that more women get primary custody, it's also true that more mothers file for it. In states where they did research on this, they found that of the men who file for primary/sole custody, the numbers of men and women who are awarded primary/sole custody are almost equal. Meaning, when men file for primary/sole custody, they have an equal chance of getting what women file for.

To me this suggests that we are just as likely to perpetuate the bias that mothers are more likely to get primary/sole custody than dads. If you believe the bias, the bias prevails, in other words. And lawyers are part of this -- they will say things like, "You won't get primary custody." And they say that because they don't want you to lose, and they don't want to lose either. They may not understand BPD, and may be try to manage your expectations. Except in BPD custody cases, it's important to be specific and clear about your goals -- which you are. You're worried that your son will be raised by a mentally ill mother. You want at least joint custody. So you ask for primary/sole custody because that gives you a negotiating advantage. You may get it eventually, and if you are consistent in what you ask for, the court will eventually see a pattern in the documentation you provide, and it's possible you can get sole custody.

For what it's worth, my lawyer told me I would never get full custody. It took me 3+ years, but I eventually got it. I didn't experience the mother bias that people talk about here, and my ex (former trial lawyer) fought hard, and repeatedly, in court. I have to admire him for that, although none of that commitment translated to being a good dad, unfortunately.

The most important decision I made in the whole 3-4 years was to insist on my goals (full custody). I was prepared to lose in the first round, and was determined to stick to my convictions because I knew my son's well-being was hanging in the balance. I documented everything and treated it like a full-time job. I didn't hear "you can't," I heard "you can't right now."

This isn't to say it's a shoe-in to get primary/sole custody, only to say that if you show up in court as a dad who wants to be part of his child's life, you're going to get much more from the courts than if you roll over and decide you can't win before the race starts.

[Nope]

I'm just going to throw this out there because the rules about custody are so incredibly different from one jurisdiction to another. My DH was only able to get primary physical custody in the jurisdiction his kids and uBPDex were in because they had been previously married. His ex later had another child with a man that never married her and despite the same situation with her he can not get primary physical custody because the rules in the jurisdiction are that an unmarried mother has an absolute right to primary custody of her child unless the mother can be found legally "unfit" to care for the child. So the otherwise standard practice of using "best interests of the child" doesn't apply.

It's a good idea to (quietly) consult with a lawyer sooner rather than later if you are concerned about how the courts in the area will view your situation and what you can do to better prepare yourself for potential litigation down the road.

[catnap]

It's a good idea to (quietly) consult with a lawyer sooner rather than later if you are concerned about how the courts in the area will view your situation and what you can do to better prepare yourself for potential litigation down the road.

Do be proactive in consulting lawyers prior to the baby's birth.  Do it secretly--no sharing with her--period. If  I am guessing that this as not a planned pregnancy.  "Oops" pregnancies are very common among women with BPD.

You can ask legal questions for free on avvo.com to get a general answer to start with, but do consult lawyers in your area--some may offer free or low cost first consultations. 

My son's story:  Shortly after his gf moved in she got "oops" pregnant.  He won sole custody of his then 7 month old daughter.  Where we live, Texas, he had equal parenting rights.  He started consulting attorneys prior to the birth of his child.

During the pregnancy and after the birth she constantly reminded him that her rights as a mother superseded his.  The baby was "hers" and there was nothing he could do about it.  She would occasionally threaten to take the baby and disappear.