Extinction burst or something else?

[coworkerfriend]

Yesterday was a horrible day - we fought and when he left, he told me to leave him alone until Monday. I thought about stopping by his house to check on him - I felt so bad about fighting with him. 

Last night, I drove by his house around 6:30.  It was totally dark - no lights.  I decided against checking on him - I have told him numerous times that I will take him at his word if he tells me he wants to be alone.  He tells me I need to ignore that and do the right thing. It is an issue that we have been dealing with forever.

He called me at 8pm - said he waited for me and gave up at 7pm.  He picked up food and asked me to come and eat with him.  He was mad when I arrived - angry that I never do what he needs.  I didn't say anything more than thanks for picking up dinner.  We ate in silence.

After dinner, he asked me to check his back. He hurt it when he fell.  When he lifted his shirt, he had a cut about 12-14 inches long and redness/bruising about four inches wide surrounding it.  I asked him what happened and he just said he fell. I dropped it - it didn't feel like the right time to discuss.   We watched tv for a while and then he asked me if it was time for me to go. 

After I got home, I couldn't get his back out of my mind.  I think he tried to hurt himself and fell in the process.  I can't stop thinking about it.  Is he trying to get my attention?  Did he try to hurt himself but stopped himself?  Is it an extinction burst - I am not participating in the cycle.  I feel like I don't know what to think.  He is intensely devoted to his kids - it seems impossible that he would attempt suicide but am I just being naïve?  When he is in a good place, we do talk about that and he says he could never do it.  That he has struggled with his mental problems his whole life and he has never gotten close to wanting to die.  But when he is in a bad place, more than anything he wants to stop the pain. 

I guess I just don't know what to do - or if I should do anything.  I haven't heard from him yet.  I will check in on him soon.

Any thoughts or advice would be so helpful. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Over the years now I have met several BPD persons in close interpersonal relationships.

Not all BPD persons suffer from the feeling or need to commit suicide. It doesn't mean they don't feel as bad about themselves or past and present lives. It just means they don't have suicidal tendencies'. On the other side of the nightmare there are certainly enough who truly due live a torture of believing suicide is the only answer when they're extremely emotional distressed.

I'd take him at his word on this and if ever in a conversation you're able to discuss it with him, assure him that if he's ever really down he can call you at any time.

There is a huge difference between being depressed, the emptiness and dislike of own existence and actually being suicidal about it.

[Grey Kitty]

I would note that there are a few different things that could explain the cut/injury.

1. Suicidal ideation, or an actual suicide attempt. (Sounds out of character for both him and the specific injury, but possible.)

2. Self-harm. This is a completely different thing, with different motivations. I've read some people who have self-harmed describe how it did actually provide real relief for mental/emotional distress. Also sounds out of character for him, and usually takes forms like cutting. Unless he is some sort of contortionist, the injury he showed you doesn't fit this at all.

3. Attempts to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. (Which can be mixed up in messy ways with the two above)

4. (most plausible) He was doing something strange/impulsive/etc. and did actually fall and hurt himself, and is embarrassed about it.

And what he was trying to do? Who knows? Probably best not to take too much interest!

Does he have a history of either self-harm or talking about suicide?

[waverider]

He asked you to look at his back so he was drawing attention to it and expecting you to comment. A look what you made me do moment.

The moment has passed now so I would probably drop it unless he brings it up.

Most likely in a bad mood and hurt himself accidentally which brought him to his senses a bit.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you so much for your insights.  It really helped me put the situation in perspective.  In the past, he has tried to make me feel sorry for him - he doesn't eat - doesn't sleep.   He wants me to fix it. 

I think he was trying to draw me in - the look at what you made me do makes total sense.  He has said there are times he does harm himself to stop the pain in his head.  It is just sad.  He often says he wants to die when he is in his bad place.  He has been in therapy about 20 years.  He has said to me that if he wanted to die it would have happened a long time ago.  I don't think he really does but the depths of his pain are too much at the moment.

He is back in a better place this week.  Who knows how long it will last but I appreciate it when it does.