re reading the tools, etc looking for a way to deal with this situation

[somuchlove]

My dd is doing much better but still, when she gets upset there is one thing that I just know how to handle.  I do validate that this is how she feels.  This is what usually happens... .

She calls with something going on but the conversations sometimes come around to these same things over and over... .  I know that her self worth and esteem is low, she is very smart, does wonderful at any job she has had to have but because of EX. and custody of children hasn't always been able to live in a place long enough to be able to move up in the job even though she has been offered it. She has a job now that she loves and is doing well.  However, because of child care costs and what the state pays, she is sometimes working for only paying child care.

We have helped her with rent and many other things as she gets no financial help from ex. ( she is now working on changing that through a lawyer because ex. for the past 3 yrs. has not met his requirements of 50/50 ( which we don't want him to have the children because of safety reasons).  She is on state financial aid, which isn't even close enough to make ends meet we are helping. 

My questions is, when we talk, she often brings up how horrible she feels, what a piece of Sh-- she is because her parents have to pay her bills, rent.  She can't even be with her family members because they hate her because she is sucking all our money.  Can't support her own family.  I never know how to respond other than validate she feels this way.  We do not help her to make her feel guilty.  We have tried very hard to not have strings attached.  This really eats at our dd.  I know until she becomes more self supportive she will always feel this way.  I think the time is getting closer for her to become more financially independent but breaks my heart that she feels so horrible and spends much of her time stressing instead of loving and enjoying her family and being happy. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

One way to validate is to normalize the thoughts and feelings they have... .ie

"I know you would rather be financially independent.  Most adults feel that way too.  The truth is that the majority of single parents need financial assistance from their family."

[FeathersofHope]

   Dear So Much Love, Yes, it is so difficult seeing our BPD children having feelings of such low self-worth and then not knowing, ourselves, the words they need to hear... .I often struggle with this... .A favorite classic movie line of mine is from The King and I when Yul Brynner says something to the effect of: When one does not know what to say, it is a time to be silent. I try to convey my compassion and validation through my facial expression and body language, however, this certainly isn't effective during a phone conversation! 

Dear lbjnltx, You are so very skilled at Validation! I have found your replies to be so helpful and want to sincerely thank you! I wish I could carry you around on my shoulder and have you whisper validating responses to my 20-yr-old dBPDd  in my ear!   

[somuchlove]

thanks Feathersofthope.  I really do need to remember that line.  I know many times I talk to much, don't listen.  When my conversations with dd end up with her really upset and saying  I will never call you again, or only when i have good things, I want to kick myself.  It is her crying out,  I just wanted to be heard, I just wanted to be validated.  It's like she gives me an inch and I take the mile. 

Yes  lbj I wish I could have you on my shoulder as well.  It makes so much sense when you say something.  I wish I could just freeze the moment, read my cheat sheets and then reply. 

[lbjnltx]

When I see my d as an incoming call I chant "Validate, validate, validate" before I answer the phone.

It's much easier to practice validation through the written word.  One of the few advantages that texting/emailing provide. 

[Rockieplace]

Oh! It's so true lbj... .  It is so much easier for me to be considered, cool, calm and collected in writing.  I started an email blog with my daughter when she was in severe crisis in hospital and it really helped to take the heat out of our 'conversations'.  It helped us to get back onto an even keel and I asked her to give me 3 positives for each day of the blog and I did too.  This helped us both to try to see something good in what was a very difficult situation at the time.  I'm still not good at not reacting when she spouts what I see as nonsense.  I've learnt to bite my tongue to a certain extent but sometimes I fail miserably.  Also, I'm afraid I will never make a poker player as every emotion shows on my face!  This makes telephone/email conversations much safer.  I've now been practicing meditation every day which has also helped to calm my thoughts and feel a little more controlled.