I had never heard of BPD until I got ghosted

[SmarterNow]

My significant other is now an ex-significant other... .sadly.   Our relationship meets many of the "criteria" for a BPD relationship except for the ranting and raving ... .intense arguments, etc.  That just did not happen.  We had a bit of a different relationship though and while we were intimate and spoke every day ... .many times a day, we did not live together.   We had a few little disagreements lately but nothing that would undermine a healthy relationship.  Well, it was too much for my BPD, or near-BPD partner.  I was "ghosted" ... .I woke up on Jan 5th and poof ... .no more contact... .blocked from every means of communication.  This is a high-functioning woman... .successful professionally... .never nasty in the sense of saying awful things, but wow does she have so many of the other traits... .a victim of abuse (a youth minister touched her inappropriately and she got little support from the parents... .although she and her friend thought the minister was cute? - who knows what happened), three former spouses and a 7 yr partner that did some "awful" things near the end to destroy her trust, the first husband "raped" her, the second was an alcoholic, etc. ... .a "misunderstood" child with some acting out - not sure about cutting or anything, but had a "darker" side for sure.  She is very alluring... .attractive... .has had multiple sexual partners though I'm pretty sure she didn't cheat in our 11-month relationship.  She is in her late 40's and had me hooked ... .I am the typical guy who wanted to restore her faith in humanity... .show her what it was like to be with a good guy... .put to rest all of her trust issues with guys ... .plus I thought the world of her.  Wrong... .I went to her house about 3 weeks after being ghosted and knocked on her door.  She called the police and didn't answer.  (I had no ill intentions - I just wanted to hear why she had suddenly disappeared and to gain some understanding of why the relationship became so suddenly severed.  She contacted me soon after I wrote her a scathing letter and she said she couldn't trust me, was very emotionless, robotic, etc.  And this is normally a very loving and engaging person.  We exchanged a few emails and I did everything "wrong" probably... .still chastising her for her immaturity... being a coward... .giving me false hope and intentionally hurting me with the silent treatment. 

In the end, I don't care that I did things the "wrong" way ... .I knew nothing about BPD and any person should be called out on their ridiculous behavior (in my mind, anyway).  Oh well... .When I looked into ghosting I saw a few references to something called BPD and I eventually googled it.  I found an article on this site that pretty much says it all ... .amazingly so.  I could have written the article - most of it anyway... .  the article is "Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality"

It was a little difficult to read some of the things and it doesn't describe everything for us, but there is a lot in there that is spot on.  Thank you for this site and that article.  I read it every day ... .maybe a couple of times... .it is very helpful.  It reinforces the things I need to know about our relationship so I don't get a false sense of what it was.

[anothercasualty]

Welcome to the club that we wish we weren't members of!

I came to this site in a similar way. I was having a difficult time explaining to friends, family, and even a therapist, all of the goofiness that was happening in my relationship and found this site when I searched the symptoms I was living/observing.

When I read the articles, I thought "Holy Crap, I could have written most of this!" It caught me sideways, but I felt relieved. I wasn't the only one living through the most irrational relationship. There were others. Hoo-ray! It was good to find those further down the path and WAY smarter than me about how this whole BPD thing works.

I hope your situation ends faster than most (if you are trying to detach), but there is a good chance that the rodeo is just starting. I have been through a few recycles and it puts me right back to square one every time. I have been no contact for 2 weeks and looking for this to be permanent. Hard to do when someone knows how to manipulate and you are a rescuer.

Keep posting. Some really smart and insightful people here!

[SmarterNow]

Thank you ... .I am 6 or 7 weeks in - in regards to the break-up.  I would have been very vulnerable for the first 5 weeks ... .much less so now.  I have much more strength because of this site.  The biggest mistake or fallacy is projecting "normal" behavior on to someone who is incapable... .and this is very frustrating.  Coming to grips with the fact that this person is incapable of having a "normal" relationship or normal responses to relationship issues when so many other aspects of their lives are governed by rational behavior and seemingly rational thought processes, is extremely difficult.  My ex was so "together" otherwise.  I really think she either has a mild form of it in most traits and 100% on some others.  Reading all of this answers some questions, but I'm not at the point of being happy at what I learned... .its quite the opposite.  There is no hope of being with that person and the person is not capable of feeling what I thought she felt in the relationship.  It is actually sad for both of us.  Oh well ... .I have sent her my last email and I think she will not respond... .I have not heard from her in probably two plus weeks.  All other lines of communication are closed and I am in no way able to re-engage with her in a meaningful way.  I appreciate your comments.