Dealing with the aftermath, regret and blame

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

This is the first time I've reached out to a group who have experience/understanding of BPD, I only recently discovered that my ex, who broke up with my after 4 years a few months ago, could have had BPD after a friend told me about it. The more I read on various blogs/websites, the more I have the wide-eyed "WOW" moments when I feel like someone is describing my relationship with intricate detail.

The reason I think my ex could have had BPD is the presence of the following symptoms: extreme moments of passionate affection coupled with manipulation/controlling behaviour (threatening breakups, dating or even sleeping with other guys if I didn't come and see her right now for example), regular harsh criticism (about a thing I did before we even met, she said it's only because she was serious and wanted me to be perfect), attempted isolation from friends and family (don't go home to your mum's birthday party), unfaithfulness (kissing someone else), excessive jealousy/distrust, excessive drinking and bouts of severe aggression (although that was only after I had been unfaithful myself).

To cut a long story short, I made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship, moved country twice, left my MBA, left a job and ultimately had to make a decision between staying with her and redoing my MBA or taking the job I had always wanted back in Switzerland (where it was unlikely she would be able to go back to). I ended up in a state of paralysis, not being able to decide and that's when it turned sour and I lived with her unemployed having lost everything that I wanted. More cruel and unfair treatment followed and I ended up sleeping with someone else and leaving her. We got back together but the trust was gone and it just got worse and worse.

I read somewhere that when a nice guy is in a relationship with a girl with BPD, there are one of two outcomes: either he will have a momentary lapse of selfishness and betray her or she will become so overwhelmed by her suspicious nature that she will convince herself that he has betrayed her. So it provides me a little comfort that this is often the outcome, as I hate myself for it.

My friends and family always told me to leave her but I couldn't, it was like being addicted to a drug that was bad for me and I paid a very high price. I just wanted to make everything better and ended up messing up my life. I read also that BPD relationships can leave a wake of destruction, if my ex did suffer from BPD then I guess the outcomes were inevitable in a way.

But now we are no longer together and she is with someone else, I have sleepless nights blaming myself for not being able to make a decision re. the MBA with her or the job in Geneva and for being unfaithful. I automatically discount/forget all the bad stuff that led up to that. I would like to write the whole story sometime, to put things in perspective but maybe I'll post it later.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Alex123]

Hi all,

This is the first time I've reached out to a group who have experience/understanding of BPD, I only recently discovered that my ex, who broke up with my after 4 years a few months ago, could have had BPD after a friend told me about it. The more I read on various blogs/websites, the more I have the wide-eyed "WOW" moments when I feel like someone is describing my relationship with intricate detail.

The reason I think my ex could have had BPD is the presence of the following symptoms: extreme moments of passionate affection coupled with manipulation/controlling behaviour (threatening breakups, dating or even sleeping with other guys if I didn't come and see her right now for example), regular harsh criticism (about a thing I did before we even met, she said it's only because she was serious and wanted me to be perfect), attempted isolation from friends and family (don't go home to your mum's birthday party), unfaithfulness (kissing someone else), excessive jealousy/distrust, excessive drinking and bouts of severe aggression (although that was only after I had been unfaithful myself).

To cut a long story short, I made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship, moved country twice, left my MBA, left a job and ultimately had to make a decision between staying with her and redoing my MBA or taking the job I had always wanted back in Switzerland (where it was unlikely she would be able to go back to). I ended up in a state of paralysis, not being able to decide and that's when it turned sour and I lived with her unemployed having lost everything that I wanted. More cruel and unfair treatment followed and I ended up sleeping with someone else and leaving her. We got back together but the trust was gone and it just got worse and worse.

I read somewhere that when a nice guy is in a relationship with a girl with BPD, there are one of two outcomes: either he will have a momentary lapse of selfishness and betray her or she will become so overwhelmed by her suspicious nature that she will convince herself that he has betrayed her. So it provides me a little comfort that this is often the outcome, as I hate myself for it.

My friends and family always told me to leave her but I couldn't, it was like being addicted to a drug that was bad for me and I paid a very high price. I just wanted to make everything better and ended up messing up my life. I read also that BPD relationships can leave a wake of destruction, if my ex did suffer from BPD then I guess the outcomes were inevitable in a way.

But now we are no longer together and she is with someone else, I have sleepless nights blaming myself for not being able to make a decision re. the MBA with her or the job in Geneva and for being unfaithful. I automatically discount/forget all the bad stuff that led up to that. I would like to write the whole story sometime, to put things in perspective but maybe I'll post it later.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[sebastian.l]

Hi Alex, I run through exactly the same thoughts like you. I think one the reason we also blame ourselves is because we think, we 'failed'. we usually get a MBAs, we make money, we achieve things ... .most of times when we put effort in it, things work out.

Now with this girl, we feel like a failure because it went wrong. We can;t change them. Full Stop. The real question is, why do we want to be with someone who kisses other guys, deceives, covers in lies and does;t give back equal shares? It's our self-worth problem, not theirs, isn't it? Think about it.

Please tell me what you see in this behaviour of my relationship with her: I spent a short weekend with her and she was very emotionally disappointed I didn't stay longer. She went out, vulnerable and ended in kissing another guy and going home with him. The next day she called me and said, 'you know, I went out until 6 in the morning. you know, I have this constant problem with you that you bring me down from my enthusiasm (referred to a discussion she wanted 3 days concert ticket, I wanted 1 day, trivial) 'but if you don;t hold me close, then I fear that I will be too far away from you one day and will just be gone'

what's the intention of this behavior and what feeling would be provoked in you to hear this?

[sebastian.l]

pressed enter double sorry

[steelwork]

Alex123, I can relate to the regrets. I never really committed as much as he wanted me to, for a whole lot of what I thought were external reasons. In the beginning (I mean after I was replaced), I felt very strongly that it had been cowardice on my part, and that I'd ruined my chance for happiness and it was all my fault. Over time I've come to believe a big part of what held me back was my spidey sense that something wasn't right. It was self-preservation.

Does that ring any bells for you?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Ah man... I feel for you. I'm currently going through the same thing and it's pretty difficult... I think it's best to see these people like a really bad drug - it is as if we become crack addicts and we need our fix. Unfortunately the typical ways of working through breakups and trying to make sense of it all doesn't work because we are not dealing with typical people... These relationships are set up to suck us in, spit us out and ultimately fail miserably in deeply nonsensical ways.

I think the best advice is always going to be no contact... and then more no contact and then more no contact... It's such a tough thing to have to endure, yes... and one feels like there MUST be other methods to deal with this in ways that are more conducive to reconciliation or making greater sense of it all... But to be fair, I think no contact, in this particular context, IS exactly that. It allows us space such that one day we can look at the situation and see it clearly for what it was without attachment. And once we are in that spot, we will be glad we did what we did. Because any other way will never make any sense.

[HarleypsychRN]

Ah man... I feel for you. I'm currently going through the same thing and it's pretty difficult... I think it's best to see these people like a really bad drug - it is as if we become crack addicts and we need our fix. Unfortunately the typical ways of working through breakups and trying to make sense of it all doesn't work because we are not dealing with typical people... These relationships are set up to suck us in, spit us out and ultimately fail miserably in deeply nonsensical ways.

I think the best advice is always going to be no contact... and then more no contact and then more no contact... It's such a tough thing to have to endure, yes... and one feels like there MUST be other methods to deal with this in ways that are more conducive to reconciliation or making greater sense of it all... But to be fair, I think no contact, in this particular context, IS exactly that. It allows us space such that one day we can look at the situation and see it clearly for what it was without attachment. And once we are in that spot, we will be glad we did what we did. Because any other way will never make any sense.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom... no contact. When the wounds are fresh and open, you do anything to get them back. In my case she was toxic. She couldn't wait to be with me, then found everything wrong with me. She devalued me quicker than she had idealized me. You keep thinking how can they just leave without any emotion? Do they have no heart, no soul? It hurts like hell for sure but no contact seems to be the way to go. I have been holding onto her stuff but after a month, I need to get rid of all traces of her.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

That seems to be the conventional wisdom... no contact. When the wounds are fresh and open, you do anything to get them back. In my case she was toxic. She couldn't wait to be with me, then found everything wrong with me. She devalued me quicker than she had idealized me. You keep thinking how can they just leave without any emotion? Do they have no heart, no soul? It hurts like hell for sure but no contact seems to be the way to go. I have been holding onto her stuff but after a month, I need to get rid of all traces of her.

Yes... Your experience reads like mine. She couldn't wait to be with me. Absolutely HAD to be with me NOW. Convinced me to move across the country and stay with her for a few months I had free. Within two weeks I was devalued and discarded - kicked out on the street. No heart? no soul? ... I wouldn't be surprised.

[sebastian.l]

I think the best advice is always going to be no contact... and then more no contact and then more no contact... It's such a tough thing to have to endure, yes... and one feels like there MUST be other methods to deal with this in ways that are more conducive to reconciliation or making greater sense of it all... But to be fair, I think no contact, in this particular context, IS exactly that. It allows us space such that one day we can look at the situation and see it clearly for what it was without attachment. And once we are in that spot, we will be glad we did what we did. Because any other way will never make any sense.

I can agree with that. Even when it stands in contradiction to our need to look for answers and why it didn't work. The things is it leaves us with a lot of open question marks. Questions we seek to answer now here.

With a little space away form all of it, I asked myself over and over: do you want such a person who cheated, lied, deceived and disvalued you in your life? And what should be her role in your life now? Rationally, I didn't find any common ground for anything. 'Friends' doesn't work, no trust. 'Girlfriend' no work, obviously. 'Best buddy' ... .you name it, it's no ground for anything. I started looking at her ex bf before me. She cheated on them. They are guys, she keeps around as 'friends', once in a while she chats them up when she needs something for her job or help in the house. I saw the one guy once sneaking in circles around us on a festival and observe us from the distance while we were kissing. Do you want to be that guy? Hurt, in the loop. No.

So I went no contact. Consequently, in the 21st century, I deleted her from my Facebook. Also to protect myself form seeing pics of her and a possible replacement. And I think from that day one, she had her reason to 'hate' me. It's strange how we interact these days socially. A Facebook dump seems to have more emotional impact on her than anything in real life before.

Well, she got in touch after that ONE time to ask for pictures of us to keep the memories alive. And the Facebook dump is now the reason she uses to justify all her other 'not-doing', like no text for my birthday, Xmas, New Year, asking how I am, getting a new guy. However, when she was motivated to serve her needs to get the pics, I got a lot of messages, she even called and couldn't understand why I don't fill her request now immediately. In her eyes 'I was the bad guy who is playing power games with her'. In the sense of the upcoming drama again, I searched over 140 pics together, I cried looking at each one and sent them. I never heard from her again. No thank you, nothing.