How I know I'm still attached

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't want to go into details, but I got some news today that indirectly suggests my ex and his new gf are engaged or pregnant or both. I didn't react much right away, but I noticed after a while that I was having the body sensations of the first terrible months: heart racing, feeling squirmy in my skin, needles and pins. Not bad like it was, but after some reflection I recognized it.

It's one thing to intellectually grasp the reality, how I dodge a bullet, that their r/s is not my business. The body, though--that taps into my emotions, which are lagging far behind

Oddly, last night I had a bad dream about confronting the ex. He looked different. I was disgusted by him physically and personality-wise. In my dream, he was with a girl who was not my replacement. I felt she was... .a further step down! I wanted to say it but didn't. The two were taunting me. I kept my cool. Then I woke up to this news hinting that he and my real-life replacement had big news.

Anyhow, still feeling that fight-or-flight feeling, many hours later.

[steelwork]

I don't want to go into details, but I got some news today that indirectly suggests my ex and his new gf are engaged or pregnant or both. I didn't react much right away, but I noticed after a while that I was having the body sensations of the first terrible months: heart racing, feeling squirmy in my skin, needles and pins. Not bad like it was, but after some reflection I recognized it.

It's one thing to intellectually grasp the reality, how I dodge a bullet, that their r/s is not my business. The body, though--that taps into my emotions, which are lagging far behind

Oddly, last night I had a bad dream about confronting the ex. He looked different. I was disgusted by him physically and personality-wise. In my dream, he was with a girl who was not my replacement. I felt she was... .a further step down! I wanted to say it but didn't. The two were taunting me. I kept my cool. Then I woke up to this news hinting that he and my real-life replacement had big news.

Anyhow, still feeling that fight-or-flight feeling, many hours later.

[MapleBob]

I had a bit of that feeling yesterday too, when I discovered that my uBPDex had made her instagram public again. I don't look at it compulsively or anything, but it was shocking to finally see what she's been up too the past few months (basically not much!). I also noticed how much older she looks now, like someone who has recently gone through a breakdown, or had some kind of serious health issue. But yeah, I know that panicky, tight-in-the-chest feeling. 

[anothercasualty]

Oddly, last night I had a bad dream about confronting the ex. He looked different. I was disgusted by him physically and personality-wise. In my dream, he was with a girl who was not my replacement. I felt she was... .a further step down! I wanted to say it but didn't. The two were taunting me. I kept my cool. Then I woke up to this news hinting that he and my real-life replacement had big news.

Anyhow, still feeling that fight-or-flight feeling, many hours later.

I truly believe dreams can be prophetic and prepare you for some event/news. How did you feel when you woke from your dream? Looking at it now, did it prepare you?

Keep fighting! We are right next to you fighting away too.

[Anez]

I know those feelings quite well!

I work with mine and saw her today (from a distance) for the first time in days and the old thoughts popped into my head. But I recognized them and backed them up with the thoughts my T told me to back them up with and I'm doing better.

Sorry you got that news today and that you're feeling off from it. It's understandable, tho. Keep pushing forward!

[steelwork]

I truly believe dreams can be prophetic and prepare you for some event/news. How did you feel when you woke from your dream? Looking at it now, did it prepare you?

Keep fighting! We are right next to you fighting away too.

Hm. Trying to remember how I felt on waking. Not good. Actually, the frustration I felt in the dream about not having my say was still with me.

[steelwork]

I know those feelings quite well!

I work with mine and saw her today (from a distance) for the first time in days and the old thoughts popped into my head. But I recognized them and backed them up with the thoughts my T told me to back them up with and I'm doing better.

Sorry you got that news today and that you're feeling off from it. It's understandable, tho. Keep pushing forward!

I don't know how I'd cope in your shoes.

I just really long for a day when news like this wouln't make me feel like I'm in a fight for my life.

[JQ]

Hey Steelwork,

Take a step back ... .take a deep breath ... .relax ... .you go this!       Make sure you get out for a walk this afternoon!  Go out for a bite to eat this evening ... .anywhere!  Call a friend ... .get your mind off the subject ... .go to a movie ... .if you're in the United States ... .nothing is on TV because of super tuesday ... .so you're not missing anything.      

This to shall pass  

J

[steelwork]

Well, guys, it was a rough day. He proposed to me a few times when he was feeling desperate, so I guess I shouldn't be caught off guard.

My poor body let me know today how much farther I still have to go. I broke down and took a valium. Hoping for 5 hrs' sleep.

[FannyB]

Steelwork

Their capacity to affect us long after they've gone is truly amazing. I work with ex-girlfriends and don't give the situation a second thought, yet certain things always seem to make me think about ny ex - notwithstanding the fact that I don't want her back! 

I just think that no-one has connected with us on he same level as our BPD exs have - they literally scorched our souls. As JQ says though, it will indeed pass - so don't be too hard on yourself as these 'abnormalities' are normal in the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  The more deeply they infected us, the longer is takes the body/mind/soul to purge ourselves of them.

Recognising that you are still attached in spite of your best efforts shows how strong and realistic you are - and it's those qualities that will ensure you will make it safely to the other side. 


Fanny

[Driver]

Steelwork,

I know how hard it is? But bear in mind few things:

-He has a serious disorder

-Sadly, his new gf might even not know it and is about to experience maybe the worst things in her life  :'(

-Take some time to rebuild yourself, enjoy the freedom

-Think of all the avenues of the future that are being offered to you

-Don't ever let anyone any more to drag you down onto a sinking ship

-Make a list of things that you want to do and just do it. You'll meet new people on your way.

-Most importantly: hug     

[JQ]

Well, guys, it was a rough day. He proposed to me a few times when he was feeling desperate, so I guess I shouldn't be caught off guard.

My poor body let me know today how much farther I still have to go. I broke down and took a valium. Hoping for 5 hrs' sleep.

Hi Steelwork,

I know it is really hard right now going through what you are. You're in a dark place, not sleeping well, stomach in knots, your body, mind & soul hurting.     

Remember these moments ... .remember that you can't sleep & after taking a valium your HOPING to get 5 hours of sleep ... .remember the way you body feels ... .remember how your mind runs wild with thoughts. Remember how this person has manipulated you, control your thoughts, controlled your body, controlled the very person that Steelwork is.  Remember all of this ... .then put those feelings away in a box for now because you're going to need them later. 

NOW I want you to take care of YOU!  I want you to think about YOU!  I want YOU to take back control of YOU, YOUR body, mind & soul!  Do NOT give up control to anyone again! 

Today is the start of taking back control!  YOU need to make time for YOURSELF!  So ... .sometime today get out for that walk I talk about, find a walking buddy if you want, take some music along with you if you want ... .really this does a lot for you ... .if you can go further do it. This will help you reduce the stress you're experiencing and burn off some of the junk food your eating ... .which means you need to reduce or even stop eating junk food.  Take a hot shower/bath to help you relax when you get back from your walk ... .put on some relaxing music ... .whatever that is for you. Some Enya, jazz or Deathmetal jam.     Keep your sense of humor too.     When you get done with your hot shower & or bath ... .instead of taking the valium ... .go to the grocery store & get some Melatonin ... .it's NOT a drug but a natural supplement your body produces to help you fall asleep. When your body is under a lot of stress it doesn't produce enough to help you get sleepy. I take about 30mgs / night and within an hour I'm off to bed ... .and I don't wake up with a hangover.

YOU have to be proactive in taking YOUR life back!  YOU just can't sit there on your couch waiting for things to get better ... .this will take an extra long time to make happen. It's like watching grass grow ... .TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!  It's not going to happen over night ... .there are going to be good days ... .not so good days ... .and yes there will be a bad day or two. When you have those 1 or 2 bad days ... .I want you to go to the "THAT" box & open it up ... .I want you to remember how he made you feel ... .I want you to remember that he was the one responsible for the way you felt ... .that you couldn't sleep and had to take meds to help with that. I want you to remember the moments you cried. I want you to remember the moment you told ALL of us this ... ."I just really long for a day when news like this wouldn't make me feel like I'm in a fight for my life."  

Then no matter how bad your day is going thinking that you might want him back, you feel that you want or "need" to call him when you look at that open box of things you'll remember this moment in time and know that nothing good will come from contacting him. You'll close the "box", put it away and then go for that walk, out with a friend, call someone ... .and you'll move forward again !  YOU are taking YOUR life back! It starts today!

Driver, FannyB, Anez, & I are saying the same thing ... .hmmm ... .I think it works       Look yourself in the mirror ... .and tell yourself ... ."Today I take my life back, today is the day no one else will control me, manipulate me or hold my happiness hostage!  Today is a good day!"   

J

[khibomsis]

steelwork, there was a thread here a while back about are things as rosy as they seem on your exes' facebook and the general sentiment was no. Is this not the guy who was trying to get back with you quite recently? My take on these things is that you get to walk away from this BPD. He doesn't. Replacemen poor thing if she is genuinely pregnant doesn't get to either. I'm with JQ on this one. Have a look at the coparenting board to see what you escaping and she's stuck with. Hope you sleeping well! , khib

[Anez]

I've been having similar feelings the past 24 hours or so since seeing her at work yesterday. I've been on a good path and I feel like I'm a lot better off than I was a few months ago but I'm definitely been having thoughts of the fantasy of my ex.

I'm working on sitting with the feelings and backing them up with the bad feelings she gave me. It's just tough sometimes to see her at work laughing it up while I stew - still - over this.

But I know she is incapable of ever having the type of relationship that I want to have. I'm sad about that but I get it - she has BPD and she is what she is.

it's ok to have these feelings. It shows we're alive.

[steelwork]

steelwork, there was a thread here a while back about are things as rosy as they seem on your exes' facebook and the general sentiment was no. Is this not the guy who was trying to get back with you quite recently?

Gosh, no. I've been cryogenically frozen (i.e. who knows--maybe he'll decide to thaw me out in 300 years).

Thank you all for the kindness here. I felt this thing physically! Amazed at how the emotions can short-circuit the thinking, reasoned part of me that has (I think) come a long way in the past year. Just bypass all the stuff I KNOW and hit me in the heart.

[khibomsis]

I am sorry Steelwork! Menopausal memory kicks in yet again  I think listen to your body and hold those emotions for a while, with support of course.  You can see we are here for you even if some of us have hormones for brains