I disagree with the way my BPD wife is parenting but she won't budge

[formflier]

Dragon72,

Hey, first of all I want to say that I think your position is a good one.  A much better position that your wife is taking.  I try to shy away from saying right and wrong.  It doesn't sound like she is harming the child.

You want to convince her that there is a better way.  I agree that is a worthy effort.

With "normal" people it might not happen in one conversation.  I guarantee you it won't happen in one conversation with a pwBPD traits.

It will take you a lot of education (here) and practice to learn how to "prepare" her to hear whatever you have to say.

Basically, to get her defenses down.

Then you want to make sure you are listening to her, and that there is a "team" atmosphere.

Then something like SET or a DEARMAN might be effective.

This will be a multi-stage process, and there are no guarantees. 

Let's be practical.  Is the way you are going about it right now working?  So, let's try a different way. 

FF

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[forwifeandkids]

I was really hoping for a partnership when I got married, not a marriage where I'm the boss and my wife is my servant.  That's a horrible thought.  I'm really not the dictatorial type.  I just want my opinion to be recognised and for us to form a consensus decision where we differ.  But I don't think she knows the meaning of the word "compromise".

In the past when we have had bust-ups, usually initiated by me expressing frustration with the way she acts, it has ended up with me making concessions about my behaviour, apologising for not taking the trash last night and her not yielding anything.  She has never said "sorry" to me ever.

I have read the lessons, and I have tried to put them into practice.  But I still find it so tough to live like this.

I find that if I try to be less codependent, this is interpreted as adversarial and triggers more negativity from her towards me.

I can't express how well you have described my situation. My wife (undiagnosed BPD) is constantly doing the opposite of what all of the parenting books recommend. We have 6 and 7 year old boys, and instead of providing calm, consistent rules and consequences, we have daily yelling, arguing, crying, begging, neediness, etc. My wife alternates between trying to be a dictator and letting the kids run the show. What I find so difficult is to be supportive and validating when her parenting style is making things so difficult. To make matters worse, her mother lives with us and backs her up.

[gotbushels]

I have no idea what her Love Language is.

I just took the test for myself and I scored highly on Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties Dragon72.

I'd be lonely if I went through your experiences on a daily basis. :'(

Do you think your wife is more interested in your Love Language or her own?

Which do you think will help you improve the relationship?

If she won't do the quiz, what other things can you do to develop the relationship?

[... .]

But as usual, I can't get through to her.  She's got her way and I got the highway.  I feel I can't just bite my lip on this. Or should I?

Based on what I can see about your cultural differences, you would require a basic plan for your son to bring your wife.

Then start a discussion.

FF did a more articulate suggestion that arrives similarly at possible improvements you can look at.

[... .]

Then something like SET or a DEARMAN might be effective.

This will be a multi-stage process, and there are no guarantees. 

Let's be practical.  Is the way you are going about it right now working?  So, let's try a different way. 

FF

What did you consider?

[gotbushels]

[... .]

A couple of days ago, at the last payday, I announced I was going to manage the money this time and I showed her a spreadsheet I had created explaining where it was all to go and invited her input.  Immediately I saw her defenses fly up and she refused to cooperate, saying "No, I don't want to be involved if that's your attitude, you manage it all from now on."  And she refused to engage in conversation when I try to plead with her to work with me, not for me.  So her strategy was "all or nothing".  "All" (she keeps 100% control).  "nothing" (She says "No, YOU do it all", knowing that she would make me feel like a controlling ass if I take full control).  She's not accepting the deal which I am offering, which is cooperation.

[... .]

Why did her defences fly up?

In practical terms, what are some alternatives to 100% you, or 100% her or 50-50?

[Dragon72]

The deal I am offering is not a % split of our money. The deal I am offering is for us to be open and transparent about where the money is going and to cooperate and work together when deciding how it should be spent.  This will involve compromise on both our parts.  Something she seems to be incapable of.

[formflier]

 Something she seems to be incapable of.

Listen, you are the non.

You control the money, because it comes from you.  There is no right or wrong here, this is a "fact on the ground".  You make it, you fill out the forms at the employer that say where it will be deposited.

I believe you do have a responsibility to offer compromise and I would encourage you to do that, very clearly, one more time.

Perhaps even offer to discuss it in counseling.

At the end of the the day you can't force compromise and you can't force counseling.

Another person making a non-choice, is a choice.

If they have issues with compromise or are scared of a counselor, leave that to them to solve.

The plan at the end of the day from FF looks like this.

1.  Offer compromise

2.  Offer to discuss in counseling or have counselor help with compromise

3.  If no compromise is present, take action to control your money and be wise with it.  Preserve records for accountability and transparency.  

4.  Let chips fall where they may fall.

5.  While chips are falling, focus on validation.  In fact, focusing on validation in all of these steps is important, but don't confuse that will steering off course.


Last thought:  Please do NOT go down this road until you are ready to stay on this road.  If she believes she has "turned you around" in a dysfunctional way (bullying, badgering, pitching a fit), you will have made the r/s worse.



FF

[gotbushels]

The deal I am offering is not a % split of our money. The deal I am offering is for us to be open and transparent about where the money is going and to cooperate and work together when deciding how it should be spent.  This will involve compromise on both our parts.  Something she seems to be incapable of.

[... .]  And she refused to engage in conversation when I try to plead with her to work with me, not for me.  So her strategy was "all or nothing".  "All" (she keeps 100% control).  "nothing" (She says "No, YOU do it all", knowing that she would make me feel like a controlling ass if I take full control).  [... .]

[... .]

Why did her defences fly up?

In practical terms, what are some alternatives to 100% you, or 100% her or 50-50?

Kindness here. No judgement either.

Do you think I was talking about a % split of your money?

---

 Something she seems to be incapable of.

Listen... .you are the non.

You control the money, because it comes from you.  There is no right or wrong here, this is a "fact on the ground".  You make it, you fill out the forms at the employer that say where it will be deposited.

I believe you do have a responsibility to offer compromise and I would encourage you to do that, very clearly, one more time.

Perhaps even offer to discuss it in counseling.

At the end of the the day you can't force compromise and you can't force counseling.

Another person making a non-choice, is a choice.

If they have issues with compromise or are scared of a counselor, leave that to them to solve.

The plan at the end of the day from FF looks like this.

1.  Offer compromise

2.  Offer to discuss in counseling or have counselor help with compromise

3.  If no compromise is present, take action to control your money and be wise with it.  Preserve records for accountability and transparency.  

4.  Let chips fall where they may fall.

5.  While chips are falling, focus on validation.  In fact, focusing on validation in all of these steps is important, but don't confuse that will steering off course.


Last thought:  Please do NOT go down this road until you are ready to stay on this road.  If she believes she has "turned you around" in a dysfunctional way (bullying, badgering, pitching a fit)... .you will have made the r/s worse.



FF

FF gave you a really solid plan here. I'd like to support you in doing it.

You committed to her. You wanted to work at it.

So work at it.


I have 3 inputs here:

1. Read this:

[click the quote link]

FF

If you don't do that first, based on basically all your attempted problem resolutions so far, I guarantee you will fail without it.

2. Don't pick a stupid timing to talk to her. You will fail.

3. Validate first. If you haven't managed her appropriately first, you will fail.

---


Sorry I'm being blunt. No judgement. Kindness.

My reasoning is from here. I can't recall a single time when you have successfully used an exercise you learned about. I found that my ex UpwBPDgf would penalise me when I failed portions of a technique. She could go 1-12 hours straight. I learned to get better out of necessity. Your wife is a gift in comparison. You know what I would give to have my ex disappear with no dysregulation for 24 hours? Wake up.