1.5 years ago on BPDfamily

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was going over some old posts of my own and seeing I had first posted here 1.5 years ago, about one month after learning about BPD and suspecting my wife of having this disorder.

I don't post here much anymore but read often.  I have learned a lot, still a ways to go.  I have known for months my relationship is unsalvageable and unhealthy for me.  I need to leave and continue my path solo.  My attempt to steer us into couples counseling with a personality disorder specialist and her into individual therapy failed, as I has suspected.  Some of her most negative behaviors have mellowed somewhat - but this is mainly because I have given up some of my boundaries and personal needs for the sake of temporary peace while I organize for my exit.  She is unable to provoke me into emotional drama anymore, so it is all finding an outlet in her physically.  Her ailments seem to multiply monthly and she is back into wasting my money on chiropractor and acupuncturist, in additional to her weekly physical therapy.  Honestly, she may not even be BPD but she has many of the disordered behaviors and the strategies for relating to them seem to help.

I have tried so hard to accept her and the facts of how she is, but I still go through the 'anger phase' occasionally.  Frustrated at the reality of my life now.  And feeling like a lot of it was 'time wasted' even though logically I know this was a necessary part of my life for me to grow and become a better and more whole person.

I am also scared.  I recently hit an important milestone I set for myself.  I have ($x) amount finally saved up, enough for me to be able to move out for a bit and retain a divorce lawyer.  The reality of this next phase, the steps I need to take, is sinking in very strongly now.  We have a couple joint obligations in May that would be ruin some important things for friends I care about if I left now, so I am planning on seeing those through and then having 'the talk' with her about my leaving in about 2 more months.

She has not previously been overly violent or destructive.  She has only done a little self-harmful behavior (taking large doses of unregulated herbs to terminate 'pregnancies' she was certain she had, typically the day after a big emotional argument or discussion where I pressed her to find a job) - making herself sick.  But, I do not trust her and have no idea of what she may truly be capable of.  I work from home, she doesn't work, we only have one car and it's hers, so there is little opportunity for me to move out secretly or anything.  I do have a safety deposit box where I have put the most special of family heirlooms.  The rest, anything I can't fit in a couple suitcases, I will have to be willing to write off in a worst-case scenario.

Looking back over my old posts, I see that absolutely nothing has changed for the better in my relationship, in fact, it only seems worse as the fog has lifted - I have learned though some experiments and discussions I have floated that she is unwilling to take an ounce of responsibility for trying to make things work or accept any part of the fault for our problems.  I do see that I have grown a lot as a person and learned a lot about communication, validation and acceptance - still a long way to go.

I feel damaged and afraid to try an intimate relationship ever again.  I am very sad that this relationship has failed - after 15 years I feel like I just don't know what I will do after this - I don't really have a picture of what is next for me.  Well to be fair I guess I do have some ideas  I envision being able to save money again, afford the occasional travel, read books without feeling guilty for taking time to myself, be able to afford to retire, move out and sell a house that I take no joy in fixing up and keeping up and spend more time with family and friends (at least the friends I won't lose due to the divorce).

Hoping for the best and expecting the worst, I suppose.  Anyway, thanks for providing feedback in the past and for a place to continue to read, learn and interact.

[adventurer]

I was going over some old posts of my own and seeing I had first posted here 1.5 years ago, about one month after learning about BPD and suspecting my wife of having this disorder.

I don't post here much anymore but read often.  I have learned a lot, still a ways to go.  I have known for months my relationship is unsalvageable and unhealthy for me.  I need to leave and continue my path solo.  My attempt to steer us into couples counseling with a personality disorder specialist and her into individual therapy failed, as I has suspected.  Some of her most negative behaviors have mellowed somewhat - but this is mainly because I have given up some of my boundaries and personal needs for the sake of temporary peace while I organize for my exit.  She is unable to provoke me into emotional drama anymore, so it is all finding an outlet in her physically.  Her ailments seem to multiply monthly and she is back into wasting my money on chiropractor and acupuncturist, in additional to her weekly physical therapy.  Honestly, she may not even be BPD but she has many of the disordered behaviors and the strategies for relating to them seem to help.

I have tried so hard to accept her and the facts of how she is, but I still go through the 'anger phase' occasionally.  Frustrated at the reality of my life now.  And feeling like a lot of it was 'time wasted' even though logically I know this was a necessary part of my life for me to grow and become a better and more whole person.

I am also scared.  I recently hit an important milestone I set for myself.  I have ($x) amount finally saved up, enough for me to be able to move out for a bit and retain a divorce lawyer.  The reality of this next phase, the steps I need to take, is sinking in very strongly now.  We have a couple joint obligations in May that would be ruin some important things for friends I care about if I left now, so I am planning on seeing those through and then having 'the talk' with her about my leaving in about 2 more months.

She has not previously been overly violent or destructive.  She has only done a little self-harmful behavior (taking large doses of unregulated herbs to terminate 'pregnancies' she was certain she had, typically the day after a big emotional argument or discussion where I pressed her to find a job) - making herself sick.  But, I do not trust her and have no idea of what she may truly be capable of.  I work from home, she doesn't work, we only have one car and it's hers, so there is little opportunity for me to move out secretly or anything.  I do have a safety deposit box where I have put the most special of family heirlooms.  The rest, anything I can't fit in a couple suitcases, I will have to be willing to write off in a worst-case scenario.

Looking back over my old posts, I see that absolutely nothing has changed for the better in my relationship, in fact, it only seems worse as the fog has lifted - I have learned though some experiments and discussions I have floated that she is unwilling to take an ounce of responsibility for trying to make things work or accept any part of the fault for our problems.  I do see that I have grown a lot as a person and learned a lot about communication, validation and acceptance - still a long way to go.

I feel damaged and afraid to try an intimate relationship ever again.  I am very sad that this relationship has failed - after 15 years I feel like I just don't know what I will do after this - I don't really have a picture of what is next for me.  Well to be fair I guess I do have some ideas  I envision being able to save money again, afford the occasional travel, read books without feeling guilty for taking time to myself, be able to afford to retire, move out and sell a house that I take no joy in fixing up and keeping up and spend more time with family and friends (at least the friends I won't lose due to the divorce).

Hoping for the best and expecting the worst, I suppose.  Anyway, thanks for providing feedback in the past and for a place to continue to read, learn and interact.

[Itstopsnow]

Sounds like you have a solid plan! Keep moving forward! Don't let the fear of the unknown scare you! Everyone gets that from time to time! For me (I was only dating) getting out was scary but now that I'm alone and not seeing or hearing from him has been a world of good! Once you can move out and not see her. You will enjoy your life so much better! Even your alone time won't be as stressed or lonely . I'm sorry you had to deal with this as long as you have. But you are worthy of a happy life! A better life!  You own life! Your life won't rotate around her, her wants, her demands and her irrational moods. Trust in the process . Take it one day at a time . And know you went through the hell... .You're almost to the other side . And if she flips out when you file. That is on her! Just make sure she has no access to where you will be living. For the time being. Good luck!

[adventurer]

Thanks, Itstopsnow, for the pep talk - it's super helpful.

The plan is more or less solid - been trying to just break everything down into little steps that seem accomplishable so I don't freak out taking it all in at once.  One step at a time.