A brand new opportunity to take a step backward

[unicorn2014]

So, my partner and I aren't having a conflict this morning, but he said something that triggered me and I thought I should bring it to the board.

I know from previous threads that this is not something I should talk to him about as that won't change anything.

This morning he was telling me he saw my daughter's post of her man crush on her Instagram account and he said "saw x photo, zzzzz leaves little to the imagination". Now in and of itself this was not be a problem, my daughter started talking to him about her man crush which is a good thing.

The bad thing is a few days ago when we were having a problem he used that same phrase on me "zzzzzzz" when I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do which was talk to him on the phone.

I know telling him how I feel about that phrase isn't going to accomplish anything. I'm sure everyone knows that when he says "zzzzz" that means he thinks something is boring. The ironic thing is I've seen my dad do the same thing and my dad is can be a very caustic person. Those of you who are also on the coping board know that my father has narcissistic traits that I struggle with.

My partner and I are getting along fine this morning, he doesn't know that I'm still recovering from the last fight we got in.

I was able to end this morning's phone call quickly, after 5 minutes. I appreciate the fact that my daughter felt safe enough to talk to him about her man crush, that's one less thing for me to worry about. I trust his judgment when it comes to my daughter, I think his attitude is an appropriate for a stepdad. What I don't think its appropriate for is me. I don't know if this is a risk of an age disparate relationship (he's 16 years older then me), if this is a personality disorder trait, a combination of the two, or something else entirely. When I say this I mean his apparently compulsive need to let other people know he finds something boring in a condescending manner.

All I can say is this: I would love to have a strategy set in place in case he ever directs another "zzzzzz" text at me again. I know how it makes me feel: dismissed and devalued, and touches an old core wound from my father.

[HurtinNW]

If you don't feel telling him will help, then I think the only thing you can do is decide how you will respond when it happens again. You might decide when he sends you a zzzzz text you will immediately end the conversation.

You may want to ask yourself if the relationship can move to a place where you can communicate that something like this hurts. If not, can you accept that? Can you envision living with someone who communicates scorn and you cannot tell them to stop?

My boyfriend is the master of scorn. Gestures, eye rolling, sighs, etc. I think scorn is one of the most corrosive things in a relationship. Of course it makes us feel devalued. That's the point! Here is a hug 

I don't know if this is a risk of an age disparate relationship (he's 16 years older then me), if this is a personality disorder trait, a combination of the two, or something else entirely. When I say this I mean his apparently compulsive need to let other people know he finds something boring in a condescending manner.

I think it is good you are looking at your own wounds. It is something I really need to do! But I also see you doing something I also do which is ineffective, which is focusing a lot on why he does something that is hurtful. Does it matter why he acts condescending if you feel you cannot tell him how it makes you feel? I tend to also ruminate about why my boyfriend acts like a turd. It can be a way of minimizing/excusing the behavior instead of addressing the sorrow that he will not or cannot act in a loving way. Just my two cents!

[unicorn2014]

I have no problem with communicating it, so I guess the problem is expecting that communicating my feeling will effect a change?

Again he wasn't scorning me this morning he was scorning my daughter, and for good reason. What is appropriate for a stepfather is not necessarily appropriate for a partner.

I know from ACA I have a right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated. I can add scorned to that list.

I guess if he ever expresses scorn to me again I could say "when you say x I feel scorned and am terminating the conversation" ?

What do you think?

I'm thinking ill feel less disempowered if I do that if it happens again?

[Daniell85]

You have a trigger, as a result of hurt from prior to this relationship.

Triggers suck, I have a ton of them.

What I do is examine myself. If the trigger is on my side, and the other person literally has nothing to do with why I would trigger, then I try to deal with my own self on it.

I think is it part of how we come to know and understand ourselves. That understanding is very powerful.

That being said, if someone was obviously telling me I am boring or something about how I feel or think, etc, was boring, I would be a little hurt and offended because it simply is rude behavior that isn't respectful of general social boundaries or me!

I am doubtful, too, it's of any benefit to talk to the guy about it. Just another little fire he is flicking sparks at, and one I would redirect myself from adding fuel to.

Take rest where you can from all of this.  

[unicorn2014]

Hi Daniel, and thank you for replying. I actually got triggered by how my partner was talking about my daughter's behavior , not mine,  however he was right to point out what she was doing wasn't ... .Becoming of her. I didn't tell him I was triggered. However, I think the next time he lets me know my behavior is boring I will let him know the conversation is over. What do you think? Btw I do have this same problem with my dad, when he wants me to do something on his time frame and I say I can't,  I get the same response.

[Daniell85]

If you are triggered, it is a good idea to end the conversation discreetly. He will get the idea after a a few times and possibly knock off the "zzzz" at you.

It's a good opportunity to practice disengaging when you are triggered without letting him see he is able to push you into a conflictive reaction.

[unicorn2014]

I don't think he will get the idea, but at least I will get self respect . thank you again for your reply.

[Grey Kitty]

I guess if he ever expresses scorn to me again I could say "when you say x I feel scorned and am terminating the conversation" ?

I don't think this is a good idea.

If you were dealing with a mentally healthy person and had no enmeshment, and that person said something triggering, stating something like that would be reasonable. (without the statement that you are ending the conversation) And the reasonable response would be to apologize for the unintended harm, and make an effort not to repeat it. (And you would feel better)

With your partner, I'd recommend you end the conversation as quickly and gracefully as you can, without any attempt to explain why, but (hopefully) without having to hang up on him.

What I would expect your partner to do if you told him something about his expressing scorn, is double down on the invalidation and attack. He would tell you that he wasn't being scornful, or that you were being overly sensitive, etc... .If you said goodbye and got off the phone, I'd expect this to be in a series of text chat messages instead. (Whichever way it happens, the result is you feeling worse, not better!)

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Grey Kitty, I agree, and since the relationship seems to be improving my next question is how can I pull apart the enmeshment?

PS I'm working really hard this week not to triangulate myself into the divorce, in other words I'm not asking about it. So far, so good, but its only Monday.