Did I do the right thing, by leaving her?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here's my story...

9 months ago I met the girl of my dreams at least I thought. I told her about what I wanted in life and was looking for basically someone I could grow old with, and have a nice loving caring family with. She said she wanted all that as well. I finally met her we hit it off well very well. We grew together, stayed together just about all the time for 8 months. She was so sweet it was like she put me up on a pedestal, she told me everything I ever wanted to hear. Shed write, and text me every night love poems, and quotes. She even made a scrapbook for Christmas which was very nice, and sweet. I could tell her anything about myself, I always considered myself to be a little weird. But with her she made it all so easy to tell her all my dreams, fantasys, and stuff I'd never tell anyone. She knew everything my deepest darkest secrets. I thought I had known about all of hers... Cause she told me she was beat, had been raped and molested etc. I didn't care I figured i could help her.

But she had an ex that would write, all the time and blew her phone up 1000x a day, and she wouldnt answer or shed pick up the phone and cuss him out. Turns out in the get go she would cancel alot of plans, and make up some "kinda" believable lie. Turns out she was in a dss case for having a baby on pains pills, and he was bragging her with pain pills, and money to  come up... She was also coming back with alot of money. She said she was just using him when I said what are u doing up there with him?  I kinda knew something was off. I talked to the guy the had been messaging her. He told me she had been staying up there on the weekends... .Red flag I guess i should've left. But I told her he's gonna have to go, it's you, and me. She changed her number. Stayed away from the drugs completed all her dss requirements, passed every drug screen. I even took her in to live with me and her mom kept the baby.  Figured all was well... So things from that point just got better and better.

Then she was like i wanna tattoo your name on me, and if I could Id marry you now. I cant wait to have your last name  blah blah. Well she just continued to feel my head with this I'd never lie to you I'd never do you wrong stuff. I'mma give you everything you deserve in life stuff. She even made a pinterest just for me and filled it full of love quotes. I'm thinking like wow this is to good to be true. She continued to shower me in things, and love etc. 

Then one day she said I'm putting the baby down for a nap... Something just felt terribly wrong in my gut. Anyway I called she wouldn't pick up the phone. I called more, and texted. Later she wrote and said me and baby just woke up. I didn't believe it the baby is never asleep when I'm there. Plus her not answering the phone. Anyway she kind told on herself she said did you come by because someone has been here. I didn't say anything and she goes if you did all you had to do was knock on my moms window. Thats where we was asleep. Her mom keeps her doors locked to her room. So I knew then it was another lie. She eventually said she was with her friend cleaning her house. and She had texted her to come help her, and she was paying her 40 bucks, and she was doing it for me for my birthday gift... I said can u show me this text from her and keep in mind she kept text from this girl, she said no I deleted it... Another red flag since the "ex problem" she had agreed we could see each other phones willingly. So I thought about leaving and she knew it she went in the bathroom, and punched herself she claims and left a huge bruise on her leg. Said she was a pos. She wanted to die etc. Cried etc... I let it go still thinking we could fix this, and it wouldn't happen again knowing I told her this was the last time.


We continued to make sacrifices for our relationship, if I didn't like this or she didn't like that we worked to resolve the issue. Calmly I might add we never even so much as had to raise our voice at each other ever.

So I let it slide. Everything continued to be great up until the 8 month part. She ran out of zoloft, and just started being this terribly mean person. She had also gotten a job as well. But she said it was because she ran out of her meds. So the whole month and a half up until now. She just isn't who she used to be. What happened I have no idea, I didn't do anything to her for her to become so mean to me. I'm not sure if zoloft suppressed this up until then or what. First thing is one day out of the blue just sitting on the couch with the baby on top of me. She screamed why don't we have sex as much anymore? I mean she said it pissed. I was like well the baby is wide awake and walking all over us. I said we do have sex just not 4 times a day like we used to. I said the baby has grown alot since we first started dating, i said she isn't asleep, and I can't think about sex when you wanting me to watch the baby, and a kid is crawling on me all day. I said I only see u 4 hours a day now, and for that 4 most of the time the baby is awake. I said also we used to lay down together, and put the baby to sleep. etc... That's why, and I said plus you also stayed with me back then. Either way she was still getting sex almost twice in the 6 hours...

So later own we made time for ya know. Everything went back to normal for about a week... .

Then from there on she kept saying things like I'm working on us a surprise it for us the family just trust me. And She literately would not answer phone calls...   I'd tell her she is hurting me, please answer the phone when I call. Finally she call back all mad, and Id say why are you being mean to me etc. What s has happened? Is there someone else? Shed say no. id aske well why are u treating me like the guy you broke up with. She scream well why do you wanna be with me?  We've had these phone issues from the get go, and usually she wasn't doing what she said she was doing. So then this surprise she got was a new car. Said she had been test driving it as to why she couldn't answer phone calls. I said seriously you let me sit at home worry about you, and our relationship and cry a month, for s surprise. And you haven't even seen me in almost a month... I also asked why couldn't u pick up the phone? She said I didn't wont you to know the surprise. I said u could've said u was driving your moms car...

Finally it came down to her getting me up saying baby Imma come see you today I promise almost everyday, and I swear. She did this for a month straight, and Id get ready, and then call and call. then shed write back some unbelievable excuse at like 10pm. I had to take grandma here, and I lost my phone. Turns out all the time she was asking me for help she's been down at her dads and sisters?  Happy as can be... Lying to me all day long she even called last Sunday after she claimed to have lost her phone, and I picked up crying she said baby quit crying im on the way. then one sec later she writes momma wrote, and cussed me out, and said I gotta get home now. She has always blamed her mom as to why she cant come here. Has no remorse whatsoever. Finally she admitted she really lied to me the whole day, after i said I have proof she said "not ugh u lying". I said know I do really. I said where was u Sunday the day you lied about losing your phone. She goes at daddy's.

Needless to say the guy before her even told me he dunno why she all of a sudden just left him. It seems she sends these love you things to everyone, i noticed some emails from 2013 she was telling she wanted like 5 guys forever. And I seen they wrote back I can't believe you lied and said you wanted me forever and loved me. Etc...

Finally I ended it. I blew up for the first time... .  I can't deal with it after my divorce, and my ex wife had problems as well. I told her get my stuff to me she brings it all crocodile tear eyed. Worrying the most about the ipad and her ability to watch movies. Finally she goes home writes me say I'm sorry I've made you such a mean person. Its my fault I need help. i don't know who I am. Imma drink all this benadryl and take all these pills. I hope I don't wake up etc. Then she says if I can be fixed can we try again maybe later? and just be friends now... I said fine Ill be friends. Little did I know after I said that she was right back at her sisters and dads again happy as can be... Like nothing just happened... .my whole world turned upside down thinking how can someone just do that. here I am about to puke, crying, shaking etc. She has no problem at all.

Finally the friend stuff lasted about 2 days... She blew me out for calling, and texting her but it was about the baby falling, and was bleeding. So I figured it was emergency type. She called back saying I thought u had my trust, why did u call me i told u I was getting groceries out. (Which she didn't) That's why i didn't answer my phone. I said but you also told me all day you was coming over all day long? She said finally I  don't wanna even be friends with you. I had been wanting answer so long to see if she cared about me, and she just through me away like nothing. I finally lost my cool and blew her out told her I never wanted to see her again. Never to contact me etc. And she wrote don't message me anymore u ----... She started to pick fights and I'd just ignore them. Shed even get mad if the baby cried for one second... I have no idea what happened to her.  I mean I literately bent over backwards for this girl its just messed up...

Now I'm sitting here 3 days, and she hasn't wrote back. She told me I was her heart, her soulmate, and bff. I literately feel like I've lost someone that knew me better than my wife did of 4 and half years. We went so fast, and things WERE wonderful... I was kinda scared, but now I have nobody to even talk to about this. My best friend passed away Oct 26th...   She said she'd never hurt me, and after she got that car which she said was for the family.  I became an option, and from that i deleted myself from the equation... She hasn't come picked me up none so great thing she done for the "family" more like for herself.

i'm not sure if i did the right thing by walking away should I became a person like her. used her? I just dunno how I feel, Im upset, sad, depressed, sick, feel like its the end all once again... .Seems I'm just cursed... .Id go out, but I have severe anxiety, also I feel like my health is slowly declining... I ask what more can go wrong... and no friends thanks to her... .  Did i do the right thing? Or should've I been cold, and just used her like she did me? I'm really a good person I learned alot about myself through marriage, made notes of what i done wrong, made sure I never done it again. I expected to learn from that, and treat everyone good. but I just keep running into crazy people is everyone in 2016  crazy?.

Anyway there has been so much more means things she has said, and done to push me away. That past month but i can't even remember them all off the hand. But she has never actually attacked my flaws, or anything...   I honestly don't know if she has BPD, but she shows every sign... I did call her an amazing person and her son looked up at me and said twice. She really isn't... .Her mom I actually don't blame as i can see this girl has been lying since day one. no wonder she don't trust he, i cant.

[dontevenknow]

Here's my story...

9 months ago I met the girl of my dreams at least I thought. I told her about what I wanted in life and was looking for basically someone I could grow old with, and have a nice loving caring family with. She said she wanted all that as well. I finally met her we hit it off well very well. We grew together, stayed together just about all the time for 8 months. She was so sweet it was like she put me up on a pedestal, she told me everything I ever wanted to hear. Shed write, and text me every night love poems, and quotes. She even made a scrapbook for Christmas which was very nice, and sweet. I could tell her anything about myself, I always considered myself to be a little weird. But with her she made it all so easy to tell her all my dreams, fantasys, and stuff I'd never tell anyone. She knew everything my deepest darkest secrets. I thought I had known about all of hers... Cause she told me she was beat, had been raped and molested etc. I didn't care I figured i could help her.

But she had an ex that would write, all the time and blew her phone up 1000x a day, and she wouldnt answer or shed pick up the phone and cuss him out. Turns out in the get go she would cancel alot of plans, and make up some "kinda" believable lie. Turns out she was in a dss case for having a baby on pains pills, and he was bragging her with pain pills, and money to  come up... She was also coming back with alot of money. She said she was just using him when I said what are u doing up there with him?  I kinda knew something was off. I talked to the guy the had been messaging her. He told me she had been staying up there on the weekends... .Red flag I guess i should've left. But I told her he's gonna have to go, it's you, and me. She changed her number. Stayed away from the drugs completed all her dss requirements, passed every drug screen. I even took her in to live with me and her mom kept the baby.  Figured all was well... So things from that point just got better and better.

Then she was like i wanna tattoo your name on me, and if I could Id marry you now. I cant wait to have your last name  blah blah. Well she just continued to feel my head with this I'd never lie to you I'd never do you wrong stuff. I'mma give you everything you deserve in life stuff. She even made a pinterest just for me and filled it full of love quotes. I'm thinking like wow this is to good to be true. She continued to shower me in things, and love etc. 

Then one day she said I'm putting the baby down for a nap... Something just felt terribly wrong in my gut. Anyway I called she wouldn't pick up the phone. I called more, and texted. Later she wrote and said me and baby just woke up. I didn't believe it the baby is never asleep when I'm there. Plus her not answering the phone. Anyway she kind told on herself she said did you come by because someone has been here. I didn't say anything and she goes if you did all you had to do was knock on my moms window. Thats where we was asleep. Her mom keeps her doors locked to her room. So I knew then it was another lie. She eventually said she was with her friend cleaning her house. and She had texted her to come help her, and she was paying her 40 bucks, and she was doing it for me for my birthday gift... I said can u show me this text from her and keep in mind she kept text from this girl, she said no I deleted it... Another red flag since the "ex problem" she had agreed we could see each other phones willingly. So I thought about leaving and she knew it she went in the bathroom, and punched herself she claims and left a huge bruise on her leg. Said she was a pos. She wanted to die etc. Cried etc... I let it go still thinking we could fix this, and it wouldn't happen again knowing I told her this was the last time.


We continued to make sacrifices for our relationship, if I didn't like this or she didn't like that we worked to resolve the issue. Calmly I might add we never even so much as had to raise our voice at each other ever.

So I let it slide. Everything continued to be great up until the 8 month part. She ran out of zoloft, and just started being this terribly mean person. She had also gotten a job as well. But she said it was because she ran out of her meds. So the whole month and a half up until now. She just isn't who she used to be. What happened I have no idea, I didn't do anything to her for her to become so mean to me. I'm not sure if zoloft suppressed this up until then or what. First thing is one day out of the blue just sitting on the couch with the baby on top of me. She screamed why don't we have sex as much anymore? I mean she said it pissed. I was like well the baby is wide awake and walking all over us. I said we do have sex just not 4 times a day like we used to. I said the baby has grown alot since we first started dating, i said she isn't asleep, and I can't think about sex when you wanting me to watch the baby, and a kid is crawling on me all day. I said I only see u 4 hours a day now, and for that 4 most of the time the baby is awake. I said also we used to lay down together, and put the baby to sleep. etc... That's why, and I said plus you also stayed with me back then. Either way she was still getting sex almost twice in the 6 hours...

So later own we made time for ya know. Everything went back to normal for about a week... .

Then from there on she kept saying things like I'm working on us a surprise it for us the family just trust me. And She literately would not answer phone calls...   I'd tell her she is hurting me, please answer the phone when I call. Finally she call back all mad, and Id say why are you being mean to me etc. What s has happened? Is there someone else? Shed say no. id aske well why are u treating me like the guy you broke up with. She scream well why do you wanna be with me?  We've had these phone issues from the get go, and usually she wasn't doing what she said she was doing. So then this surprise she got was a new car. Said she had been test driving it as to why she couldn't answer phone calls. I said seriously you let me sit at home worry about you, and our relationship and cry a month, for s surprise. And you haven't even seen me in almost a month... I also asked why couldn't u pick up the phone? She said I didn't wont you to know the surprise. I said u could've said u was driving your moms car...

Finally it came down to her getting me up saying baby Imma come see you today I promise almost everyday, and I swear. She did this for a month straight, and Id get ready, and then call and call. then shed write back some unbelievable excuse at like 10pm. I had to take grandma here, and I lost my phone. Turns out all the time she was asking me for help she's been down at her dads and sisters?  Happy as can be... Lying to me all day long she even called last Sunday after she claimed to have lost her phone, and I picked up crying she said baby quit crying im on the way. then one sec later she writes momma wrote, and cussed me out, and said I gotta get home now. She has always blamed her mom as to why she cant come here. Has no remorse whatsoever. Finally she admitted she really lied to me the whole day, after i said I have proof she said "not ugh u lying". I said know I do really. I said where was u Sunday the day you lied about losing your phone. She goes at daddy's.

Needless to say the guy before her even told me he dunno why she all of a sudden just left him. It seems she sends these love you things to everyone, i noticed some emails from 2013 she was telling she wanted like 5 guys forever. And I seen they wrote back I can't believe you lied and said you wanted me forever and loved me. Etc...

Finally I ended it. I blew up for the first time... .  I can't deal with it after my divorce, and my ex wife had problems as well. I told her get my stuff to me she brings it all crocodile tear eyed. Worrying the most about the ipad and her ability to watch movies. Finally she goes home writes me say I'm sorry I've made you such a mean person. Its my fault I need help. i don't know who I am. Imma drink all this benadryl and take all these pills. I hope I don't wake up etc. Then she says if I can be fixed can we try again maybe later? and just be friends now... I said fine Ill be friends. Little did I know after I said that she was right back at her sisters and dads again happy as can be... Like nothing just happened... .my whole world turned upside down thinking how can someone just do that. here I am about to puke, crying, shaking etc. She has no problem at all.

Finally the friend stuff lasted about 2 days... She blew me out for calling, and texting her but it was about the baby falling, and was bleeding. So I figured it was emergency type. She called back saying I thought u had my trust, why did u call me i told u I was getting groceries out. (Which she didn't) That's why i didn't answer my phone. I said but you also told me all day you was coming over all day long? She said finally I  don't wanna even be friends with you. I had been wanting answer so long to see if she cared about me, and she just through me away like nothing. I finally lost my cool and blew her out told her I never wanted to see her again. Never to contact me etc. And she wrote don't message me anymore u ----... She started to pick fights and I'd just ignore them. Shed even get mad if the baby cried for one second... I have no idea what happened to her.  I mean I literately bent over backwards for this girl its just messed up...

Now I'm sitting here 3 days, and she hasn't wrote back. She told me I was her heart, her soulmate, and bff. I literately feel like I've lost someone that knew me better than my wife did of 4 and half years. We went so fast, and things WERE wonderful... I was kinda scared, but now I have nobody to even talk to about this. My best friend passed away Oct 26th...   She said she'd never hurt me, and after she got that car which she said was for the family.  I became an option, and from that i deleted myself from the equation... She hasn't come picked me up none so great thing she done for the "family" more like for herself.

i'm not sure if i did the right thing by walking away should I became a person like her. used her? I just dunno how I feel, Im upset, sad, depressed, sick, feel like its the end all once again... .Seems I'm just cursed... .Id go out, but I have severe anxiety, also I feel like my health is slowly declining... I ask what more can go wrong... and no friends thanks to her... .  Did i do the right thing? Or should've I been cold, and just used her like she did me? I'm really a good person I learned alot about myself through marriage, made notes of what i done wrong, made sure I never done it again. I expected to learn from that, and treat everyone good. but I just keep running into crazy people is everyone in 2016  crazy?.

Anyway there has been so much more means things she has said, and done to push me away. That past month but i can't even remember them all off the hand. But she has never actually attacked my flaws, or anything...   I honestly don't know if she has BPD, but she shows every sign... I did call her an amazing person and her son looked up at me and said twice. She really isn't... .Her mom I actually don't blame as i can see this girl has been lying since day one. no wonder she don't trust he, i cant.

[dontevenknow]

I little more things I noticed changed fast was...

Her saying I love you, her text was fast.

No more goodnight text

Saying we need to be strong

I said so you still want that tattoo... She said when were married, that way I'll no its forever... That wasn't the case before...

Then she said she had a good dream the night before, I said was I in it... She said I'm pretty sure it was u... Usually it was always me...

She had also told me she been with alot of people. It took her awhile to admit. but she finally did quit downplaying it. She told me shed be at parties and just randomly choose guys she never met and have sex with them...

I noticed since the guy posted on his FB she was married to that lives near her dad's is getting engaged. This possibly triggered this. Because he was supposed the one who beat her, and stuck guns in her mouth etc. Then cheated on her with her bf who he is now engaged to... It could be a sneaky plow to try to break them apart, and make him cheat I dunno. So she can get revenge i have no idea... Seems to have started around that time. She claims he done all that, yet we dont really know if thats true due to her excessive lying. Cause I've found out he's been wanting her to sign divorce papers years now. And she tells me he wont, but I found out his in the one wanting them signed.

[lbjnltx]

Hello dontevenknow,

Welcome to the site!

Wow, you have been on a roller coaster ride with this girl for a while now.

Sorting this all out ... .what is true and what isn't can be so confusing and cause us to question ourselves, our sanity, and the decisions that we make.  It's hard to make a wise decision when we don't know what is real and what isn't real. 

With people who suffer with BPD, there is an intense emotional attachment that they make and nurture at the beginning of a relationship.  The intensity of the relationship is matched by the intensity of their feelings and needs for attachment, belonging, stability, and passion.  As reality sets in and the relationship begins to settle into a routine the passion does fade (same as any other relationship) and they begin to lose those intensely driven emotions.  They can become fearful of being abandoned and may start looking to other people to give them that feeling of belonging so they don't have to be alone.

This may or may not be what your ex was experiencing.  Has she been in therapy before, is she back taking her medication and has it made any difference in how the last communications went?

I think it is good that you remained true to yourself and didn't play games with her or use her.  Self respect and honesty are irreplaceable. Have you read much about BPD and how it manifests in people?

I look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx

[dontevenknow]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I've been doing a lot of research, and reading, and from what I've read here, and many other sites. She shows just about every symptom of BPD. She lured me in, and basically made me out to be this king, she was already wanting babies, and talking about marriage less than 2 months. But in those emails I've noticed a very long pattern of her telling people she loved them, and she wanted forever Everything she told me... It seems as soon as she is out of a relationship she has to be in another. So she pulls people in with all these great things like I mentioned above. Cares for a little bit then just suddenly snaps. She seems to have some self esteem issues as well.

Basically she wanted me to wait while she had fun, and I guess who knows what else. Prob date guys, or cheat behind my back. Which she swears she hasn't ever. but with the lies she has came up with I doubt she being honest. I mean she is a a very good liar. You can almost not even question some. But there is just some she has told, and you think like really all that happened?

Also she told me she is always her whole life been looking for someone better (till she found me) and I'm everything she could ever want...

She also was really jealous type... I mean if a girl joked like "what did u get me". Delete that B... I just got rid of FB we both did everything went good up until those meds and job came along. I thought maybe stress. But that switch turned very fast, and the colors started showing about 5 days without it.


I'm not sure if she's ever been to therapy, or really why she took zoloft. I did ask her what was she like or how would people describe her off zoloft. She told me volatile, distant, mean, abusive, depressed. She told me she punch her ex in the face for just trying to talk to her calmly. I also read about zoloft, and BPD, and I have read it does help some people with the condition.

I called her up the day before I ended it. Told her I need to talk to her about my son and it was urgent. I called and she didn't act like she cared one bit.

Any small question basically triggered her to go. She used to try and flip her problems back at me, and I'd just have to give in and say it was my fault. She told me that she didn't feel i cared about her. She also told me I should pick her over anything which I did for the most part I did everything I could for her. 

Even after her mean times the next day it was always baby. I love you blah blah

As for since I've told her not to contact me after she said she didn't even wanna be my friend no more, because I blew up, and told her I'm sick of the games do you love, or do you care or do you want a family or not. She hasn't contacted me it sucks that she made me feel so good, and I don't think anyone could ever fill the spot she filled... But it is what it is I guess.

But I'd say I feel she matches all the BPD symptoms drug user her whole life, reckless careless behavior, unsafe sex, and I mean alot... .Childhood problems, and she was mad I was good friends with a girl she said was popular in high school. It's been over 15 years since I was in High School. She looked at me and was like oh you hung with the popular kids... She also felt her father abandoned her and that why I'm guessing she is going over there alot. But as to why she'd throw me to the curb I have no idea, and not pick up the phone when she swears she is not doing anything beats me.  But she has been there. But why she can't see me when I'm one block away beats me.

[lbjnltx]

Going from one r/s to another is a pattern that some pwBPD engage in, they are avoiding being alone as it is very painful for them.  Abandonment fears are at the root of the disorder.  Thinking about it from this perspective... .they attempt to control their world and avoid being abandoned... .so the closer they get to someone the more they fear losing them.  In order not to be left (abandoned), they leave first.  It doesn't make sense to us as non's and it is how some feel and behave... to a pwBPD and little to no self awareness or coping skills feelings= facts so it make emotional sense to them. 

It is a dangerous thing to put the needs of another before our own long term... .we can be left broken and lost, devasted by the sacrifices we made.  It is important to have healthy boundaries and practice self care in all relationships for each person to be able to respect the other and respect ourselves. 

It takes a lot to be the emotional caregiver to a person with BPD or traits of BPD.  Take a look at the info in the right side bar under Choosing A Path.  Take your time and give yourself this special attention, it is warranted and you deserve it. 

lbj