3 Weeks not seeing my son

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone

After my son's uncle and aunt decided to stop caring for him, after they were convinced they would eventually get his mother to give up custody, they did a 180 and gave our son back to his mother.

I was so upset with their decision I told them both a few choice words and expressed my anger knowing what they know about my son's mother and her abuse, her mental state of mind.

Very frustrating, yesterday I contacted grandmother, she's the only person who knows the facts about my son's mother. I told her I was ready to resume my role and care for my son as I've done in the past.

Uncle and aunt had him Monday to Thursday and I had him the other days and it was going very well, I had no contact with mom and she never had him overnights because she was recovering from yet another pretend illness.

I'm still NC with my son's mother, her behaviours are extreme to say the least, BPD, Bipolar, ADD, Anxiety Disorders, I now know she's Narcissistic and many compitant professionals also believe she is socialpathic.

She's the cruelest, meanest person I've ever met, she yells in my son's face to stf up, spanks him during diaper changes and leaves him in his crib for 24 hours straight so she can sleep.

Now that he's almost 2 he keeps me busy, I cannot imagine how she can keep up, she couldn't handle him before he learned to walk.

My point is I told her last November I was done being around her because she's a child needing more attention than our son. I grew tired of her lies and constant accusatuons of me cheating.

She found another guy to rescue her, I'm sure he's pulling his hair out but she's love bombing him with lies and her fake personality.

I just want to walk away but I'm pressured to not leave my son in her care because she's so unstable.

I cannot afford legal help, I'm afraid for my son. People who know his mother beg me to get him out, a few go into denial mode and just ignore.

I and many others believe she loves him but cannot care for him and certainly not give him emotional support.

We also agree she's hanging on to him to simply keep me in her life and not because she actually wants to be his mother. I cared for him when her and I were together and I had a job. She slept in and waited for me to get home. Then in November she only seen him a few times per week or not at all.

I'm scared and want to just say I'm done.

She hates me for kicking her out of my life, she's going to hurt me from now on, she has been an angry child throughout this whole time.

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

After my son's uncle and aunt decided to stop caring for him, after they were convinced they would eventually get his mother to give up custody, they did a 180 and gave our son back to his mother.

I was so upset with their decision I told them both a few choice words and expressed my anger knowing what they know about my son's mother and her abuse, her mental state of mind.

Very frustrating, yesterday I contacted grandmother, she's the only person who knows the facts about my son's mother. I told her I was ready to resume my role and care for my son as I've done in the past.

Uncle and aunt had him Monday to Thursday and I had him the other days and it was going very well, I had no contact with mom and she never had him overnights because she was recovering from yet another pretend illness.

I'm still NC with my son's mother, her behaviours are extreme to say the least, BPD, Bipolar, ADD, Anxiety Disorders, I now know she's Narcissistic and many compitant professionals also believe she is socialpathic.

She's the cruelest, meanest person I've ever met, she yells in my son's face to stf up, spanks him during diaper changes and leaves him in his crib for 24 hours straight so she can sleep.

Now that he's almost 2 he keeps me busy, I cannot imagine how she can keep up, she couldn't handle him before he learned to walk.

My point is I told her last November I was done being around her because she's a child needing more attention than our son. I grew tired of her lies and constant accusatuons of me cheating.

She found another guy to rescue her, I'm sure he's pulling his hair out but she's love bombing him with lies and her fake personality.

I just want to walk away but I'm pressured to not leave my son in her care because she's so unstable.

I cannot afford legal help, I'm afraid for my son. People who know his mother beg me to get him out, a few go into denial mode and just ignore.

I and many others believe she loves him but cannot care for him and certainly not give him emotional support.

We also agree she's hanging on to him to simply keep me in her life and not because she actually wants to be his mother. I cared for him when her and I were together and I had a job. She slept in and waited for me to get home. Then in November she only seen him a few times per week or not at all.

I'm scared and want to just say I'm done.

She hates me for kicking her out of my life, she's going to hurt me from now on, she has been an angry child throughout this whole time.

[C.Stein]

I think first and foremost you need to find a way to get some stability in your son's life.  How can you see getting this done?

[JerryRG]

Hello C.Stein

Thanks for your reply, I guess me seeing him and being with him is the best thing it is going to be another push pull just like it used to be. Her promising this time this day and changing plans, I can't wait for her to start pushing my buttons. I've learned so much in these forums about how to view a pwBPD. She's a child basically and she's damaged and I need to keep this in mind.

My son's grandmother hasn't contacted me yet, so I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet and let this go for now.

Thank you C. Stein

[ForeverDad]

How is it that you haven't seen your son for 3 weeks?  You wrote extensively how his mother wasn't in his life that much.  Likely a large part of it was that she had a distraction in her life then, an adult relationship that, for her, took precedence over parenting.  Has she suddenly turned into MOTY (Mother of the Year) to spite you and/or force you back into her life?

While it is best to have a family law attorney since so much of domestic court revolves around arcane and not easily understood policies, rules and procedures, you can, and should, go to court to document your primary parenting.  Yes, you may need a little time to interview lawyers and prepare but don't put it off.  The clock is ticking.  At the very least you can get some inexpensive "legal consultations" with some experienced lawyers and learn how your local court works, what you can expect from it and strategies to come out of court as an enabled parent despite being a father.  Also, family court or the local chapter of the ABA could connect you with a pro bono or sliding scale lawyer.  Also, some have found that avvo.com helped them find local lawyers and ask questions of them.

There is a time-related urgency:  The longer she keeps your child from you or limits your parenting, the harder it will be to undo or counteract the "new" history she is creating.  If it's only a month or so, your majority parenting history should be intact.  If it's been 6 months, 12 months or longer then she has probably deep-sixed or neutralized your history Leverage in court.

If you go into court with a documented history of majority parenting that has only recently been squashed, then she as a mother may not get as much Default Preference and Default Deference as mothers usually get.

My story... .My now-Ex had Threat of DV charges pending against her in another court and yet got temp custody and temp majority parenting because of the parenting history, the magistrate asked one question, "What are your work schedules?"  I said I worked a regular 5 day schedule, she said she "worked from home".  (Magistrate didn't seem to know or care that I had temp protection not allowing her into our residence at the time.)  She got a favorable temp order - twice - covering over two years of separation and the subsequent divorce process.

[JerryRG]

I don't know where to start, she posted about a month ago she was giving him to Social Services.

Since I'm NC and she lies about so much and her mental illness? I believe she's in and out of reality.

I have had my son full time since around the beginning of Oct 2015, up to the end of Nov when her family offered to help. Her brother and sister in law have shared his care until 3 weeks ago when they decided to return him to his mother.

That's when I said I'm out! I have NC with my son's mother because of her mental state and how much I allowed her to influence me.

It was a selfish decision on my part to walk away from our son. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen him

I have his mother's phone number but don't want the drama starting all over again. I will get him back and get things on track again.

My son has been tossed about like a football, his mother used him to keep herself sober and then abandoned him over and over then takes him back. She lost child support because she didn't have him. My son's grandmother has the cs, some suspect mom wants the money back so keeping our son and she's been living off cs since our son was 6 months old. She refuses to find a job and comes up with excuses like lupus? Cancer before that, back injuries before that. She feel on average of 2 or 3 times a week and I wouldn't expect that kind of luck in any circumstance.

Thank you Forever dad

I've made a lot of bad choices

[ForeverDad]

It's okay to say, "I'm out!" with regard to your son's mother.  Adult relationships can and do end.  Once the adult relationship is over then the only legal obligation is regarding visitation or other parenting issues such as where to do exchanges, how to handle holidays and vacations, etc.

It's not okay to say, "I'm out!" with regard to your son.  He's a minor, just a child and he need stable guidance, a stable home, stable love and stable care.  Moving between family members is generally better than living all the time with an unstable and invalidating parent.

If you have been paying child support to others then it might appear you're not the primary caregiver?  Is anyone assigned as Residential Parent for School Purposes?  (Better to get that designation now rather than fight over it in a couple years.)  Have you investigated local child care or daycare facilities, even better, one near the school he will be attending?

Courts don't mind if a child is in daycare while you're working.  In fact, it's one way for you to be sure he's with other children in a supervised scenario and gaining social skills.  With many children of parents with BPD or some other acting-out PD, there is high risk of the child being isolated from normal people.  If all the children see is constant crazy making, then at the least they'll be confused and even invalidated about what Normal really is.

Maybe the money you spend on child support would be better spent paying for child care... .but you have to make such a change the right way and dot all your I's and cross all your T's.

[JerryRG]

Hey Forever dad

I've been sick for a long time and started a new job and had chemo this week, excuses but this whole ordeal has been very stressful. Rules change constantly and dealing with my son's mother has been a rollar coaster ride for sure. I've made many mistakes along the way, when I was with my ex in a relationship I couldn't see the reality of her illness. She threatend suicide many times in 2015 and I would bale her out thinking she needed our son.

My sponsor seen this a long time ago, he said she will give him up eventuality and I'm sure she will. We also believe she will use him to control me to keep me in her life. That and living off his cs.

We tried a drop off at our local police station last summer, we both parked and I took our son and set him in his car seat and stared walking away. She told our son "are you tired of being with the crazies?" I laughed and said "you should know"

Later she texted me saying I threw him in his seat hurting him and then I told him to stfu, none of this happened and I had 2 witnesses.

She also said he cried for hours after they got home saying "daddy hurt me, daddy hurt me". He wasn't even calling me daddy at that time.

All lies, am I to expect this from her? Is she disturbed? Does she have a conscience? Is she completely insane? Why can't someone else see this and protect our son?

I'm sick of her insanity

[JerryRG]

I got my son tonight, he's safe and we take it from here, one day at a time, thanks everyone

[C.Stein]

Thanks for your reply, I guess me seeing him and being with him is the best thing it is going to be another push pull just like it used to be. Her promising this time this day and changing plans, I can't wait for her to start pushing my buttons. I've learned so much in these forums about how to view a pwBPD. She's a child basically and she's damaged and I need to keep this in mind.

My son's grandmother hasn't contacted me yet, so I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet and let this go for now.

I was thinking more along the lines of getting a consistent and stable environment in which he can feel safe in.  How can you put an end to the musical caretakers?

[JerryRG]

Hello C. Stein

I spoke to my main sponsor this morning after our meeting, he asked what I had planned for when I get my son full time. I learned from him (more times than I want to admit) I cannot wait for life to arrange itself, damn I'm stubborn. Anyway I'm lining up babysitters and maybe an emergency sitter too so if things change on the fly I won't be caught off guard like  so many times in the past.

Need to be proactive which was really never thought of much.

My sponsor told me she indeed wanted to play with me, stay away from her, our son is the only person outside myself that is invested in recovery, insanity and truly parenting.

She will cycle again and crumble, he said maybe she's starting to listen to people but I doubt that, I'm not sure she's even consciencely aware.

My sponsor is a wise man but he has never had a relationship with a pwBPD, . He has no idea how to fight this demon BPD, this illness can be just as deadly as any addiction in my opinion.

He's told me to STAY THE F AWAY from her since before our son was born, he could see the toll it took on me. I went from 272 down to 185, and though people were shocked, I felt like a kid again.


Lol, she said I looked pathetic, I said by all means let's get me fat and useless again so YOUR happy. Silly silly silly

Thanks again C. Stein I really appreciate your insight and direction

[C.Stein]

Need to be proactive which was really never thought of much.

This is good Jerry.  Your son needs a stable and constant figure in his life.  You can do this!   

[JerryRG]

Grandmother just texted and said my son's mother will pick him up, I told her NO CONTACT! Then she wants to give my number to my son's mother. She does not have my permission.

This is exactly what I expected.

These people do not understand or respect anyone.

[C.Stein]

Grandmother just texted and said my son's mother will pick him up, I told her NO CONTACT! Then she wants to give my number to my son's mother. She does not have my permission.

This is exactly what I expected.

These people do not understand or respect anyone.

Have you asked them to respect your wishes?  If you have then I guess you will have to learn how to roll with the punches.  It sucks I know but sometimes we just have to suck it up and deal with it.   

[JerryRG]

Hello C. Stein

Thanks for replying, I feel really bad at the moment I did something that kinda set the ball rolling. I have taken an antidepressant for years, SSRI, and to my surprise with all the drama going on I let my script laps and I wonder why I'm losing control. So I'm working on getting that back into my system. I believe I stopped taking them a couple weeks ago and that would be about the time my sleep and agitation began. Things have been growing worse and now this may be the main reason.

Something so simple making such a huge impact on me.

[C.Stein]

You can't take care of your son if you don't take care of yourself first.  Get yourself back on track and while you are try to take a step back, a moment, before taking action on anything.  Actually, that's a good idea in general for all people.   

[JerryRG]

Thank you C. Stein and others

Your support means more than I can express