Working with a BPD ex girlfriend.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all!

Like many of you. I have an Ex Girlfriend that clearly has BPD. 2 months out of the relationship and I see all the signs. Instantly with a new guy days later. The mirroring. The splitting. Even the hints that she did the same thing to other men. Even turning her back on family members. It's a classic case.

Weirdly enough, I still have feelings but I'm in a state of HARD No Contact and plan on keeping it that way. My conundrum is we work in the same building and I just can't up and quit my job at this moment in time. She's been showing up on my floor, friending my work friends on social media and I one point tried to approach me in the building lobby but I maintain NC and made a stern warning to respect my space and boundaries.

I guess I'm looking for tips and advice not to get sucked into her crap again. Eventually, it's gonna happen, she's gonna make an attempt. Sure, not today and not tomorrow, but it's pretty obvious she's going to attempt to recycle me at some point. How do I avoid this and her in the workplace? I already duck her like the school yard bully, if I see her. Aside from that and No Contact, is there any more I can do?

[Dhand77]

Hey all!

Like many of you. I have an Ex Girlfriend that clearly has BPD. 2 months out of the relationship and I see all the signs. Instantly with a new guy days later. The mirroring. The splitting. Even the hints that she did the same thing to other men. Even turning her back on family members. It's a classic case.

Weirdly enough, I still have feelings but I'm in a state of HARD No Contact and plan on keeping it that way. My conundrum is we work in the same building and I just can't up and quit my job at this moment in time. She's been showing up on my floor, friending my work friends on social media and I one point tried to approach me in the building lobby but I maintain NC and made a stern warning to respect my space and boundaries.

I guess I'm looking for tips and advice not to get sucked into her crap again. Eventually, it's gonna happen, she's gonna make an attempt. Sure, not today and not tomorrow, but it's pretty obvious she's going to attempt to recycle me at some point. How do I avoid this and her in the workplace? I already duck her like the school yard bully, if I see her. Aside from that and No Contact, is there any more I can do?

[Anez]

Dhand:

I work with mine and see her from time to time - tho much less lately which has been great. We traded texts a month or so ago that have all but made her go under ground. And I'm thankful for it.

As for what you can do. What you're already doing is tremendous - NC and avoiding her. I know how painful it can be to see them and the mask they have on while at work. Just get through this time, keep NC, and if you are uncomfortable w seeing her posts on work friend's social media, just hide their posts so you don't see them while you recovery.

I've had feelings, too, the past 6 months. Nothing weird about it. We are normal people. And just having to see her everyday is a really big challenge. But my therapist has told me having to see her every day is good, too, because it forces us to have hard feelings pop up and then deal with those feelings. That will lead to recovery. It won't always be easy, and sometimes you'll want to flee the office, but overtime you will be better.

But man, you're doing great things so far. Keep it up. Pat yourself on the back and also give yourself a hug when you have a tough day at work. It's ok.

Just see her whole picture when good memories pop up, see all that bad that came with the good.

And keep pushing forward!

[Dhand77]

Sadly, I just wish I could help her. We had never fought and at the time, it felt like the most amazing relationship of my life. Now, i just feel like I wasted four years of my life and it was all a big sham.

BPD is incredibly destructive. And working with this person is just weird now. I went from best friend to village leper overnight. Such is life, I guess.

[Anez]

Yea, that's the hardest thing I've had to deal with - going from their everything to their nothing. It's really hard. And then having to see them every day at work and have that put in your face - how you're nothing to them - has proven to be difficult. But it gets easier over time.

Mine ex and I never fought, either. And then suddenly she fled from the relationship and cut me out completely from her life. She used to be over at my desk all the time, we'd get coffee together all the time, chat over IM all day at work. Now we never speak and rarely see each other. That took a lot of time to get used to and to understand but I've been working a lot on it with my therapist and the bottom line is there is nothing we can do for these mentally ill people. there's only things we can do for ourselves, to make ourselves better and make ourselves recover. You're taking the right steps with NC. Keep at that. And just know there's nothing you can do for her. She's mentally ill, you're not.

Sorry you're going through this. It's not easy or fun. If you're not seeing a therapist I suggest finding one and talking things out. It has helped me a lot.

[Dhand77]

Ugh. Found out today she has been spreading lies about me in the workplace by telling people she disliked, that I was the one who hated them. Some of these relationships I've had for 10+ years, and she's trying to destroy these just like our own relationship.

All of this crap was not worth the four years I invested with this woman. What I don't get about myself, is the guilt. The guilt of going no contact, the guilt my own hand played in the deterioration of our relationship, the guilt of feeling like I could have done more, the guilt of letting go. When she easily discarded me like a paper cup.

How can I let go of this guilt?

[WoundedBibi]

Ugh. Found out today she has been spreading lies about me in the workplace by telling people she disliked, that I was the one who hated them. Some of these relationships I've had for 10+ years, and she's trying to destroy these just like our own relationship.

For me the relationship with my ex was way shorter and the relationship with my colleagues was shorter. Other than that he did exactly the same: told lies about me, painted me black to all who would listen, so he could be the victim.

All of this crap was not worth the four years I invested with this woman. What I don't get about myself, is the guilt. The guilt of going no contact, the guilt my own hand played in the deterioration of our relationship, the guilt of feeling like I could have done more, the guilt of letting go. When she easily discarded me like a paper cup.

How can I let go of this guilt?

As far as I remember I never felt guilty about going NC; it had to be done to protect myself and I was fine with that. Besides, I understood nothing I would say to him would ever change his warped image of me so I might as well shut up.

I did feel guilty of my part in the deterioration of the relationship, and of not being able to get through to him somehow. But I found this board and other sources and read and read and read. At some point I realized that my part wasn't perfect but that me contributing to the end of this relationship coming sooner than it would have been if my reaction would have been 'better' was a good thing; more damage to me had been prevented. With that goes the guilt of not having been able to do more, better, make him understand. Better or more for whom? Had my actions really been perfect for me I never would have gotten in this relationship in the first place. Better or more for him? That would have meant more damage to me. Because good for both, as in both are truly happy, at the same time doesn't exist in these relationships. I realized by reading and reading and reading that he would never see my point, he would never change, he would never be able to step into my shoes for a moment, and the crazy making behaviour would never stop. So I had nothing to feel guilty about. It wasn't about me. And I realised my need to help, protect, support, guide was nothing more than thinking I could be his saviour. And I couldn't and I wasn't supposed to be in the first place.

So, how I got rid of the guilt? Reading, reading, reading, ruminating, thinking, reflecting, concluding, accepting and letting go. With of course all the feelings mixed in that come with grief. But this board and other sources on BPD were the solution for me.