I had a really good talk with my therapist yesterday
A few interesting things happened.
One was when I was telling her about my fears my ex is right about me. She asked to me say what the fears were, and i listed them: that I am difficult, crazy, deranged, no one will ever love me, no reasonable person could love me, and so forth.
Then she asked me to tell her who in my life had said those things. I said my ex and my family, most specifically my mother. Word for word.
She asked if anyone else I knew had ever said those things about me. i had to think long and hard because part of me wanted to say yes but even as I remembered my other relationships, and our problems, I couldn't think of a single other person who had ever said those things about me. And I am 48 years old.
Little light bulb moment there.
Another thing happened when I was talking about feeling my ex wanted Perfect and not Me. She nodded yes and said, "Perfect is frozen." I was really struck by that, and we talked about how Perfect is frozen. You don't have to interact with Perfect, compromise with her (why would you have to, she is Perfect!), or do anything else. She is inert. An object. Static. You can put Perfect on a pedestal, or kick her to the ground when you find out she is Not Perfect, because she doesn't have feelings. It had never struck me before that idealizing someone is a form of objectifying and depersonalizing them.
The final thing was when I told her how over time I felt I couldn't recapture his initial adoration and love. That each time we recycled it lessened until it wasn't there anymore. Even as he made efforts it felt the "magic" was gone.
She asked me to remember who I was back in the initial idealization four years ago. Have I changed much as a person? I had to say no. I'm pretty much the same person, I've actually improved in some ways. I have my re-triggered trauma to deal with but essentially I am the same person, and some parts of me like my art are even better.
"Well, then," she said. "You haven't changed but his behavior did. What does that tell you?"
I really like my therapist. My homework is to work on clarity. She wants me to stop myself each time I ruminate and find clarity over the feeling and inner critic.
