Desperate. Injured (reconstructive surgery) by Cheating BPD partner. HELP.

[cbm419]

hey team.

tl;dr- bfwBPD cheats, always has. recently grown to physically abusive and outwardly angry and nasty, losing all his friends and my faith.

just as a primer: This story is all over this board and online told by others. but, PLEASE, i need help and support.  Im so scared as I'm afraid my own scenario has gone far far too far. i am not a doctor, nor am qualified to make a diagnosis, but have an older sibling with confirmed BPD and have dealt with managing his symptoms in both acute moments and chronically over our relationship.

My boyfriend is not formally diagnosed but meets all (and i mean all) of the DSM guidance for BPD.  We have dated two years and I identified these traits (reflective on my earlier experience with my brother) in him a year after meeting; urged him to seek overall pyschiatric help with the goal of the disorder's formalization/treatment.  Its a tough illness to nail down.   He's seen a counselor or two but as we know with the system, many are out to collect checks, not karma for getting people the right help, and i fear he's suffered from that.

We are two gay men, him 21 and I 31. Yes the age difference is weird for some but we met serendipitously and really fell for each other. In my community these kinds of differences are common.  unfortunately, that also puts him at that special age where, for men especially, BPD and near any disorder can boil-over if not addressed.  As such, in the last 9 months I have watched my once sweet, caring (yet at times flawed) partner cascade into what could only be called a living nightmare.

the mainstays of his behaviors include:

• compulsive sexual behavior (especially in the face of temporary rejection/fights/boredom even).
  
  substance abuse (with an emphasis on inhibition impairing drugs like alcohol, benzos/xanax, etc).
  
  rampant, unfathomable self harm (cutting with no regard using serated edges, deep stabs with pens; hitting self, and as per the cheating, being so brutally honest it amounts to self harm- more on that later).
  
  irrational outburts of anger, which have crested into violence towards himself, me, overall living environment.
  
  unrecoverable depression that can flick like a switch- a slight disappointment can lead to him, quite literally, curling up in a ball on the couch and refusing to re-engage for hours if not the night, while fully awake, even when lavished with apology and love for what he perceives is being wronged).
  
  full blown paranoid episodes including auditory hallucination lasting 1-3 days. believes the world will end, there's a "sign" in everything thats telling him something, then suddenly its gone and he's back to his normal, if imperfect self.

his history from early adolescence onwards adds to the red flags. toxic home (raised by twice divorced, bit of a loser and user but most of all ABSENT mother with verbally/physically abusive step dad), attachment to sexual attention as for validation (at 14, began trawling online and found himself with close to 200 partners ages 18-55 by the time he met me at early 19, while fully knowing this wasnt normal and regretting it immensely now).  a father two states away who was mostly a checkbook. 

in the first year of our relationship it was rocky.  he would break down into tearful confessions he had made a mistake with one or two guys every couple months. oh well i said- he's young, at least he's honest (plenty of non-BPD lying cheating monsters out there!) but it seemed to recede after about 6 months, which I was fine with as exclusivity has always been a slippery topic in my tribe- even for straight people too.  and he was so sweet and sincere in his remorse... .quite literally the first partner ive ever accepted any form of cheating from as it didnt involve being caught, or any form of deceit. at the end of the day tho, i dont have the time to mess around/cheat, work a 70 hour a week job and simply dont care. I want one person. sex is and always has been special to me and i cant imagine sharing inside a relationship- i avoid one night stands when single altogether.  so its always been a pain point.

it got scary when 1.5 years in, he called me and said- listen it was much worse. more people than i can count. unprotected sex. a silver platter of bad news. at this point he's cheated on me with more individuals than ive ever been with overall. a shameful statistic. but in sharing this it came across as a form of self harm all on its own. these were are reported to have happened in that 6 month period, we had both been tested on occasions since, why belabor the point? it was as if he desired to feel this pain and guilt, shame. there was a reckless lack of self preservation to the entire confession.

to get to my point, recently (specifically the last 3-4 months) things have gone into madness.  at any sign of rejection or disagreement i will find him trawling online again with few boundaries (even pulled off a catfish where he offered unprotected sex to someone after 5 minutes). cheated more times i can now track/remember.  he has had two major paranoid incidents, one ending in multiple instances of self harm and hospitalization. docs there figured he was bipolar as he became manic and giddy for days when they juiced him on benzos to end the psychosis. it was a flop of a diagnosis that only made him resent the system as he did not respond to meds or therapy.

during the most recent episode, we had the smallest disagreement, ending in a full blown volcanic eruption of anger where i said if he couldnt control himself he had to leave (it was a disturbance to my roommates and entire building).  Oh dear. I knew i pulled the classic abandonment trigger by requesting this.  he lost it. I remember him screaming "YOU'RE KICKING ME OUT?" He had a glass in his hands he gripped so hard the glass shattered covering my bedroom in blood.  he chased after large pieces to cut himself.  i blocked and tackled the situation, picking up the pieces (no pun intended) while doing all i could to restrain him from smacking himself, punching mirrors, finding other objects of harm, etc.

I can still remember the quote when it seemed he was calming down and i lifted my hands from his wrists pinned to the bed "if i cant feel pain, someone will."  the moment i released he struck my eye so hard three times that it created a hole between my nose and socket that poured blood uncontrollably.  that snapped him out of it but left me in ruin.  Immediate ER trip.  two weeks later, am told I need reconstructive surgery or my eye will droop into its socket.

The day after the procedure, with no trigger, rhyme or reason; while i was in bed recovering, he found a way to cheat on me with 3 men feeding him cocaine most assuredly mixed with meth, as per the testimony of mutual friends who tried it and reported to me "that stuff wasnt right at all."

Ive kept a very cordial but distant relationship with my bfwBPD since my injury and more so since the cheating that followed the procedure.  i understand he is ill but i am myself a human being with feelings.  over this last weekend, i "attempted" to bring things to a nice point- $600 meal at a fine manhattan joint, took him wherever he wanted to go. but did have a talk about where we were at as a couple, if it was wise to stay together, that he did need to accept treatment to continue our relationship, especially as things have gotten worse, not better... .if not, fantastically worse than they once were. this again cascaded into full blown anger, resentment, self harm (watching someone go at their leg with a serated blade is not a wish i'd weigh upon a soul) and a near 72 hour blow out of emotions from him.  found myself alternating between sympathy and pity for his sadness and anger at feeling manipulated ("if consequences of your mistakes hurt this much bfwBPD, why do them at all?" that his once heartfelt tears have become just a cover to keep me, a symptom of someone who cant handle abandonement yet at the same time cannot keep it in his pants to earn committment.  Not to mention our age difference and the perks it entails- I'm very successful, even for someone my age, so as a 21 year old he sees only the best of things and gets almost whatever he wants within reason.  I know those things aren't part of the equation of his own disorder, but they sure sow resentment with me.

the cherry on top of this past weekend? he blasted my face again. right where i now have a permanent titanium plate.  also, my body is covered in welts, bruises, scratches and bite marks-- all from when i was trying to take away sharp objects to not watch my love slice their body apart.  luckily my face is fine, but im literally weeks away from dropping 50k fixing it (insurance would only cover if i implicated someone given the obvious nature of the injury), and its too early for any more facial trauma. period.  he has committed to getting help now and says he cant lose me-- but the noise and clamor of this last weekend has made my two roommates firm in declaring he is no longer welcome in our home for fear of my and their own safety, even his.  they dont want to be a party to this stuff.  i dont blame them.

his version of help? one counseling session at a free clinic. he expects everything to be normal now. she hasnt even referred him to a psychiatrist and even if/when that follow thru happens, he wont take meds (unless ya know, theyre benzos he can abuse).  my opinion and that of a doctor ive consulted is this person needs inpatient.  immediately.

most of all.  though i love him with all of my heart and soul, and miss the sweet guy i fell so hard in love with- learned forgiveness for, shared amazing life experiences (from above mentioned fancy dinners to camping in the stars in the middle of nowhere to just days snuggled up kissing)... .

i feel like i have no choice but to run. saying he will accept treatment should mean a lot more than a free counselor and a promise of follow thru.  and his immediate, demanding reaction that things just go back to normal after one intake appt... .its too much. it misses how far things have gone. 

my friends are sick of hearing about this and they dont get it.  i have such a soft spot for people with these forms of disorder as i came of age in a household surrounded by it. I empathize intensely with those who suffer from BPD seeing my brother go from the bottom to the top- an introverted BPD with no prospects to an accomplished businessman and self made millionaire, on very little medication after extensive DBT and adjunct therapies.

what do you think team? im pretty sure its time to go, but its so so so tough and breaks my heart. i will feel so lonely, but i fear for my safety around this individual at times, and cant be cheated on or constantly reminding someone the world isnt going to be nuked tomorrow.  its gotten to be so bad. My job has suffered to the point of a worried but firm warning from my management, because i am either directly distracted by hour long calls from him flipping over the littlest thing, to indirectly distracted dwelling on all this in my head.  i dont sleep much anymore either.

i think he needs inpatient, but resists any serious commitment to an outpatient program or even basic psychiatric help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  cbm! you have come to the right place. I come from a BPD FOO myself so I know how hard it can be. Your relationship sounds really horrendous. That said, I'm not sure what you need to happen before you put this man out of your life. More injuries, more expenses, loss of friends and/or job? You can find all those stories on this board. Have you thought of counselling for yourself? For one, you might possibly need therapy for post traumatic stress.  And for two, what has kept you in this relationship for so long? Please save yourself before your injuries are life threatening!

[cbm419]

Hey K-

thanks for your compassionate reply.  I am already in counseling and diagnosed with PTSD from the two year mess... .unlike my bfwBPD i submitted to getting help the moment i felt haywire up there in my head.  if we were all so prescient, these boards wouldnt exist!

gathering your vote is to run for the hills?  lets do some climbing... .read on.

after commencing distance and boundaries since this last weekends blowout, SO showed up to my office today and began another pattern of slicing, screaming, attacking me physically- for everything that evvvvver went wrong in his life. in front of co workers. im beyond humiliated but am gracious that my team had my back, many of them know i've been dealing with an unstable person/unstable separation.  but they dont need to see this stuff. nobody does.

had to have him removed by our corp security and even then he stalked the premises of our building until i left after he "came to" and was ready to apologize and be "oh so sorry" for what happened. this was, like many episodes, unprovoked except for me asking for space--i had a death in the family this week and have had to double down on office work to make sure bases are covered while i attend memorials. Ive begged him to understand my lack of being present in his life is not abandonment, rather priority to my family and job.  these words fall on deaf ears. 

i think i need to find my own strength to let go before any of this will ever stick.  indeed i suffer from classic wounded sheep complex- many relationships I've had, I'm the caregiver, supporter, mentor and backstop for when things go wrong. I've recognized this but as per the old saying- easier said than done - to end this pattern.

but this feels like a black hole.  i dont want to lose this person but at the same time feel sucked into their darkness.  drinking more than i should. occasional (but fleeting and not serious) suicidal ideation, that i could allow myself to be the "loser" so hard in this game.  I constantly feel weak, defeated, then am suddenly pummeled by bfwBPD's own situations where i pocket my own priorities and rush to be the classic knight in shining armor.  boy it hasnt worked well.  i figured one day it would start.  i guess i was wrong.

[livednlearned]

Hi cbm419,

You've been through hell, my friend. That's a lot of violence, and the self-harm sounds severe.

I imagine that having a brother who successfully turned his life around could lend itself to a very powerful, very seductive white knight narrative for you. It would for me! My brother is uBPD and my definition of love became deeply entwined with the family dynamic, which was to hold uBPD brother together at all costs.

At the very least, you need to be safe. There cannot be love without safety, and in your relationship, you have to be the one to take measures. Do you have a safety plan for when/if these acts of violence happen again? There is a crisis safety plan over on the Parenting a BPD Child board that might help you develop your own: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.msg12641444#msg12641444

If you feel your own strength is compromised in asserting boundaries, can you enlist coworkers or people in your building to participate in your safety plan? Channel some of that amazing white knight power into these steps for now so if things get dangerous again, you can access some problem-solving skills while your brain is on tilt.

Many of us on this site have had violence in our lives via BPD, so you will settle everyone down if we know you are taking precautions  

On a side note: I read recently about male BPD, and how sex is more prominently linked to anxiety regulation, and anger is more externalized than for women (in general). You may not be triggering your BF's cheating whatsoever, especially if he is fighting the fraternal twins of impulse/anxiety as chronically as it sounds like he might be. I know that is a small consolation given how promiscuous he is, but you are feeling beaten down right now and part of regaining your strength is learning to depersonalize. I notice you depersonalize the behaviors that do not offend your values, and take very personally the ones that do, if that makes sense. Depersonalizing the behaviors is not about excusing them, it's about feeling less injured by them so we can work on restoring our own strength.

We'll walk with you, cbm419.

Hang in there.

LnL

[khibomsis]

Dear cbm, I am so sorry to hear about your death in the family! It must be extremely hard for you to deal with on top of your relationship crisis.I take it that by bringing drama to your place of work bf crossed some sort of boundary which is difficult for you to overlook?

Look, you are on the saving board, so it was certainly not my place to say 'leave'. I know also that no matter what happens it is important that you stand well with yourself and can feel you did the right thing morally. It is good you have a counsellor who can support you on making the right decisions. That said, I can only echo LnL's suggestion about the safety plan. Your safety comes first. Then your mental health. You can make all the difficult decisions once those priorities are sorted.

This board saved my sanity and it means a lot to me to pay it forward. We will indeed walk your road with you. I have recently lived through my niece (15) being diagnosed with narcissistic BPD, also a good deal of cutting and aggressive behaviour. It hurts like hell. But at the end of the day there is nothing I can do until she is prepared to take some kind of responsibility for her own healing. I got her into treatment and acceptance of the diagnosis, but from here on  she has to be willing to help herself. Until then there is very little I can do which does not fall under the category 'enabling'. And that is a huge moral responsibility to bear. So I can feel your pain. I am with LnL, direct some of that powerful co-dependent love inwards for a while. It sounds like you need it.

Interestingly enough, my uBPD ex dumped me when I was in exactly your situation, I asked for a timeout from co-dependency to deal with two deaths. She read it as abandonment and ST'ed me. Makes you think doesn't it?

[Herodias]

In my experience with a male BPD and with the violence and self harming is that they only get worse with you once it begins... .I don't understand why someone hasn't interviewed him and have him committed or asked him to commit himself. At least that gives you both a break for your safety and his. Mine would always actually like being in rehab or in a mental institution. He had a break from life and could have a peaceful place to be for awhile... .did he love it? no, but somehow it helped temporarily. With it brought other problems, but it can help stop the madness. Not sure if you should stay in this though, I have to say. It sounds like you both need separate counseling. Be careful... .you can't save someone else... .you can only save yourself.

[cbm419]

re: Herodias, Lnl and Khimbosis- You see, this is the problem with my entire situation.  its just getting worse and worse and worse. After reading LnL's safety plan, it only makes me want to run for the hills even more. My life is already a maze of corporate garbage, long hours... .even when things were good w bfwBPD, my life was a pressure cooker. I just felt like when i read all that stuff it was a handbook for solving the algebraic equation for the product crazy.  too many moving parts. too many variables.  I know it may save his life one day, but what about mine? 

its an absurd calculation to have to prepare all these different contingencies when i could just separate.  i am not this persons father/mother/immediate family and am not beholden to them by blood, if only by love, which is a bridge he's done a lovely job burning lately.  i agree with some of what others here have said re: being a bit more emotionally selfish with boundaries, realigning my self with myself (thats a fun pun) so that i can make a rational decision on what to do. Because this disorder is a black hole- it begins to contaminate ones own sense of normality and what is or is not acceptable.

I'm at my wits end because since this most recent incident, bfwBPD has mostly recovered from the episode, is nearly clueless as to what problem there was, if any.  he tends to compartmentalize these outburst moments, so the lucid version of himself oft seems unaware of the harm they cause (and associated consequences) when he was  "in the zone."  He's become the van gogh of painting white and black recently as well- when his family attempts to help, theyre evil.  his friends are evil and take advantage (which i dont believe as i have seen them to be generous people) until theyre all he has to cling onto.  I'm the cause/blame/reason for the self harm and all this pain but he can't live without me.  Meanwhile he threatens the bleeding wont stop until i just look past all the mistakes/cheating, the assualt, the instability, and take him back as if nothing happened.  Thats the only way he's said he'll be open to help as well- if i stick around and watch the bodies pile up until hes actually making progress (which we all know here, takes more than a couple appts, and there WILL be more incidents).  everythings so black and white to him i feel like i should be tap dancing in a 1940s movie.

so now hes back to his sweet self, wondering how we can fix this, preying on every last ounce of my good nature. its truly frustrating. the cheating alone scares the ___ out of me (how do i know hes being safe if the foundation of his cheating is a lack of self control and compulsivity), let alone the violent behavior and overall paranoid outbursts.  the constant splitting has left everyone- his family, friends (the few left), my family and myself just confused.  Now, lets be real: his family has a duty to help.  I love him, but I don't share this duty, if theyre worthwhile human beings at all (which i question at times) they would step up.  Ive practically begged them to as bf treats me like a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist and I AM NONE of those things and way to close to the emotional pain to be effective.

navigating a safety plan just sounds exhausting enough on its own i am tempted to give up.  my family doesn't want me with this person.  neither do my friends.  they all "get" the mental illness angle, esp my fam, but they also worry what toll its taking on me and what I'm beginning to lose from staying w someone who avoids addressing this in a serious way. as I've said before, I lose sleep worrying what they are doing in moments of separation, I fear the next blow up or being struck again so hard in the face i need plastic surgery.  I can't handle his constant claim "i empathize with everyone too much" in the face of the treatment i've received the last week alone- if he empathized so much with me dealing with a death in the family, overload of work to make funeral commitments, then logically (and i know that word rarely enters the vocab on this site) you may think one could use that extrodinairy empathy to cut me the slack to deal with it and maintain patience.

its all growing to be far too much to deal with. even my counselor has said i should cut this person off until they are inpatient given the extreme nature of his actions, but he wont do that unless committed, and any suggestion of a "cut off" till you get help is met with outbursts like showing up at my office and causing a scene.

just no easy answers to "keeping him" and staying stable myself.  thats what I worry.  that the person i'll be at the light of the end of the tunnel will be a flawed mess with all sorts of hangups and baggage i once never had, with our without this bf getting his act together.

[livednlearned]

Hi cbm419,

A safety plan is kinda important because he sounds like you need one, or at least you need some part of a plan, regardless of what happens next. It's a way to walk through (in your own brain) what you're going to do if something bad happens again. This might also include whether you will call 911, or press charges. He needs help, and if he can push the boundaries this far, that tells him he can probably push them further.

There are other communication skills that can help mitigate the conflict, like SET (support, empathy, truth), and validation. Did you come into contact with these skills when your brother was recovering? Mitigating is different than rescuing and fixing. Once someone with BPD is on tilt, you will need back up from other skills like setting boundaries (including a set of steps you'll take if things get bad).

Where do things stand right now with him? This recent crisis has passed, and you are understandably shaken, wondering how you're going to make it through this cycle knowing there will be a rinse, repeat.

We can work with you on some of the communication skills to (try) and help stabilize things right now while it's not quite as unstable.

[cbm419]

LnL- i've seen him once since the last incident.  he's also a bit shaken up, the cuts he put into his legs were pretty awful and its painful for him to walk. they're very visible and he feels extremely unattractive and for once, is "taken aback" by his own cutting- normally he'll say "it was a bad idea, BUT" (it relieved the pain, you made me do it, i would have just done something else compulsive, etc)-- this time he's, at the very least, acting like it was just a bad idea and he regrets it. 

One peculiar occurrence over the time we spent apart is his roommate had a similar-type meltdown over the weekend.  he had to put himself in the place of dealing with all "the crazy" as it involved self harm, irrationality, paranoid thinking and a lot of the issues he projects when he gets in the zone.  He was well aware of the irony and self reflective enough to apologize for his own behavior, after having been on the other (granted less severe) side of one of these episodes and having to block and tackle.

as per SET, validation, these are tactics i have encountered and was rusty on, for sure, but have begun to practice during our contact since this past event.  when we saw each other it was very cordial and nice, actually, much more rational disposition than hes demonstrated even in his "better" states of mind the last 3 months.

again, i'm cautious of the "pink cloud" and know this may be very temporary.  But rather than use this window of sanity to get pushy about treatment or make heavy decisions on our relationship, I'm letting it lay for now, let him cool down from drama- its good for BOTH of us. He has a counseling appointment Friday that involves referral to both psychiatrists as well as specialist therapists, so I'm just looking forward to that and not assigning any more urgency to the situation unless it deems necessary.

[livednlearned]

Wow, that is quite the roommate duo!

Did you meet with him in a public place?

I always assume that, unless diagnosed and treated, there will be more of the same, at some point. We talk about extinction bursts here, which happens when the codependent person asserts a boundary after a long stretch of appeasing. At some point, your BF is going to be back trying to figure out where the boundary is again. If he feels resistance, he may escalate as he seeks to find it. Finding a firm boundary on the heels of a diagnosis and in light of the recent experience with his own self-harm and roommate experience, may complete the trifecta of what it takes for him to collapse in on himself, either by getting committed or seeking help voluntarily.

As you know, it is pretty hard to stand by and watch someone flail and suffer. And with BPD, that flailing and suffering can be really serious.

You have to come first, friend. And he has to know that. 

[khibomsis]

Cbm, you sound you have had quite enough for the moment. It is great that in the midst of all that's going on you have a very clear assessment of where you stand and what you are prepared to put up with.  That's why Randi Kreger's book is called walking on eggshells.When times are bad you are freaked out and when time are good you can't relax since you are just waiting for the bubble to burst. A lifetime of that left me with chronic anxiety and PTSD. I don't even know what normal is, having been brought up by a uNBPD mother. It is the state of not worrying that is abnormal to me.

Like you, I have often thought that the beauty of my uBPD ex was that I could walk away. Wish it was so easy with my FOO! That said, you don't have to make any decisions now. Your bf up to now has had everything his own way, he gets to sleep around (and no, of course you have no way of knowing if he barebacks), act out, punch you and still gets taken out for $600 dinners. Your estimation of the effort it is going to take turn that steam roller around is pretty spot on.  And though it is hard you must be prepared for the fact that you will have to do it without any empathy from him. No, you don't have to do it. Yes, you can do it if you want to badly enough. Except that he has to want to heal also. It is not something he can do for you. He has got to want to for his own sake. In the meantime, while you both figure this out, there is nothing wrong with a bit of LC.  Bf managed to BPD just fine without you for years. He can give you a few weeks to timeout. You don't have to break up, you don't have to be intensely together, maybe you could just stay where you are for a bit? While you rest and complete your healing. Indeed, put yourself first for while. Cause if you are not strong the relationship won't stand a chance.

[cbm419]

re: lnl/khibomsis

lnl: yea, his roommate is trouble and they tend to go back and forth triggering each other, often arguing about "who's life has been/is harder, who has suffered more, etc" while the third babysits their outbursts.  I've seen it in person, up close- very ugly to witness, and I fear feeds the whole scenario.

I feel like the two of them could make for some (somewhat cruel) BPD jokes:

Q: when is a one-up two down? A: When two BPDs compete over misery

Q: what is Black/White and red all over? A: Two BPDs roommates arguing in a bathroom with fresh Gillettes 

Q: What happens when two BPDs share an apartment? A: Let me write a letter to Stephen Hawking on black hole theory- will get back to you if the universe still exists upon reply.

all joking aside... .

I agree with khibomsis... .I'm either freaked out (when times are bad) or anxious when the other shoe will drop if they are good. Its begun to become such a MindF%*k i've lost track of MYSELF altogether.  The thing is, whenever i draw lines- "you cant come over tonight," "I need space," "if your going to act this way, you need to leave now" (that last one is the realllllll bad one to toss at him) it hits his rejection/abandonment switch and he goes off into absurd substances use and risky sexual encounters.  Which means the person i return to after any cool off period could be A) unrecoverably addicted to drugs or B) sick with a potentially permanent STI like HIV.  If he is to be believed in his moments of "truthfulness" there is a clear relationship between how far the risk behaviors go in correlation with how far i, in his perception, "push him away."   Tho, as LnL pointed out, some studies have shown sexual compulsivity as an  anxiety regulator in males with BPD vs simply a trigger reaction.  which may explain why some instances of his cheating seem to happen with literally no rhyme or reason.

This is what scares me about boundaries- what i'll be coming back to afterwards. But i do need to become less co dependent and take charge over this situation for myself first and foremost, or i wont be capable of making good decisions by my partner as to if our relationship is healthy for either of us

[livednlearned]

The thing is, whenever i draw lines- "you cant come over tonight," "I need space," "if your going to act this way, you need to leave now" (that last one is the realllllll bad one to toss at him) it hits his rejection/abandonment switch and he goes off into absurd substances use and risky sexual encounters.

Do you think there is an opportunity here to use some of the communication techniques you learned with your brother? For example, SET. This is hard -- you have been badly hurt and probably have your own emotional arousal in play, leading you to reach for boundaries quickly, missing some of the mitigating effects of validation. 

This is what scares me about boundaries- what i'll be coming back to afterwards. But i do need to become less co dependent and take charge over this situation for myself first and foremost, or i wont be capable of making good decisions by my partner as to if our relationship is healthy for either of us

You probably have a lot of conditioning to work through, after what you experienced (BPD brother, both before and after recovery). A member here describes BPD emotions as a never-ending, compounding archive of grief that gets archived. He flicks a switch to shelve the emotion so he can return to feeling better. It creates a lot of built up ammunition to fuel emotional outbursts like the one you experienced -- all of that emotion is getting processed in one bit outburst.

Now, while your BF is in low-arousal, might be the time to explain to him that you are going to do x when you feel y. When x is over, and he is no longer dysregulated, you will be willing to _________. You aren't going anywhere, you are simply giving yourself a time out.

As hard as it is, even when you have been seriously hurt by him, he still seeks reassurance that you like him.   He will continue to seek some kind of response from you, escalating until he gets an answer. You want to head that behavior off early so that he doesn't keep seeking and escalating until there is a repeat of this earlier trauma.

[khibomsis]

haha!  at your BPD jokes! You are going to be OK cbm, as long as you can see the funny side, no matter how dark, you will come out alright.

Got one for you:

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Jekyll- no, Hyde - no, Jekyll- no Hyde

More seriously, though, keep working on that self-care. It sounds like you are seeing that the more you rest and heal up the clearer you become. I wouldn't worry to much about what bf is going to do. Even when you were sweet as pudding pie to him he dysregulated. That is why they normally say boundaries is about what you need. You cannot control his behaviour. Ask yourself what are you going to do if the situation doesn't change? Maybe he is worth all the drama but I think you need to be in a much better state before you can even start thinking about it. 

Here's a workshop that says what Lnl just said but in much greater length. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0  , khib