Does he have BPD?

[Wonderland]

Hi everyone. I'm just looking for some honest advice. I've been with my bf for fifteen months, and I love him very deeply. However, I have long thought he may have a depressive disorder and BPD seems to tick a lot of boxes. Why? Oh there's just too many things to say,  but the major problem is his temper.

It is explosive and can come out of near nowhere. It seems like the smallest slight will bring forth a torrent of abuse. The other weekend he physically assaulted me, broke my TV and called me everything under the sun... .from f*cking b___ to horrible c*nt, to why he's so miserable with Me, and how i do nothing for him.why? Because when he asked me to hand him a controller I replied "could you please as I'm doing something". After wards I can't talk to h about it, o can't tell him I'm upset or even ask for help around the house. It takes so little to annoy him (not answering a question in the next teext, asking to take a bin bag out, advising him how to cope with my little girl... .) Will get abuse 9/10. Everything is my fault, if I stick to my guns over anything I'm again verbally abused like Ive never heard before. He is always sleeping, always tired and never wants to do anything. If we have had an argument, he'll avoid me for days, only phoning up to scream and shout then hang up. I don't know how much I can take as I can't approach him about it. Any help would be appreciated x

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[waverider]

 

Welcome Wonderland.

It is hard to say if it is BPD, but it is certainly issues with anger and abuse.

It is important to not delude yourself over yours or your childs safety. Abuse is abuse and it does tend to escalate until a crisis demands action.

i wouyld strongly advise you to formulate some kind of safety plan, that you can enact ina crisis. This at least will reduce your feelings of hopelessness and help give you the strength to start forming stronger boundaries.

Much of the information on this site will certainly helpful for you whether he has BPD or not.

Does he target this anger at others, or is it just you? Is there a history of conflict in his past?

Typically, Borderline even though it may be limited to those closest, it still repeats with whoever is the closest at any time in their lives , ie previous partners, family members and friends.

Waverider

[Wonderland]

Thanks  for your reply. Yes he has 2 previous relationships who were relayed to me as the devil, although on gentle prodding, not anything of much could be said about either one. And even though I know it's a dick move, I did contact an ex to ask if she had any problems with getting physical. She told me she thinks he has a depressive issue, she had also been physical so I can't count that, and he would blame her for things she knew she hasn't done,  like with me. I just don't know what to do... .He is such a lovely guy, biut even his parents admit they don't know where this side comes from. And it's truly horrible. Without raising my voice, calling names, swearing, he can work himself up to screaming full force, throwing things about, forcing his head against mine (I'm always sat down and he does it to force Me back against the sofa) and calling me absolutely anything you can think of. This because I "gave him a look". But after the anger goes and he's just so low, talking of suicide and how hopeless his life is and how terrible he is... .Although he never says it's because of how he treated me. X

[waverider]

This is a previous discussion on abuse

TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women]

Until you manage to curb this you will find it near impossible to make changes and assert boundaries of their own.

Also work your way through these

Lessons

They will walk you through the disorder, and your role in it, in a logical way.

If there are particular incidents or aspects you could with some help with, there will always be someone to here to talk it through with.

It is very easy to delude ourselves into think the dysfunctional is normal.

In a relationship between a submissive and a dominant personality, the submissive has the ultimate control as the dominant can only dominate as long as the submissive lets them.

Waverider

[Zinnia21]

I can honestly see how you might think this is BPD. It really could be and the out of control episode phase can last for some time, if that's what it is. But despite it potentially being BPD, sounds like you need some space from the abuse, to get some perspective and some reprieve. If his mental health and behaviour is that out of control, there's not a lot you can do to remedy it yourself. If you could somehow remove yourself from his company for a period, this will show him the abuse is intolerable. Sounds like you and your child shouldn't have to live like that. Lay down some boundaries and urge him to seek help, is my advice. Otherwise it's like being stuck out in a raging and unpredictable storm. You can't control someone else's bad weather. Find shelter, so to speak. If it is BPD your very presence may trigger more bad behaviour and then the guilt he feels from acting out will again add to the behavioural cycle.

I speak from experience:)

Bpd or not, hope you can find a safe place and he can seek professional help.

Take care.

[Wonderland]

This is all fantastic advice. I'm such a softy though, I kinda feel like of he is BPD, all the horrible things he says and way he reacts, isn't really his fault... .He's not a bad person, he just hasca disorder. And I am willing to stick through it if I knew it wasn't personal and my fault. But at the same time, it's so unfair to me, walking on eggshells all the time  feel really lost and like there is no one I can physically turn to. I don't want to talk to family and friends because I don't want to make him out to be some kind of monster x

[Zinnia21]

Hi again:) Yes I really understand how it feels from the inside. You know they're a good person and you feel you would do anything to hold onto the love of your life. Especially when you see it's not totally their fault and you want to help. But if he's stuck in a cycle of behaviour, you will most likely remain the easy target of his raging so long as you are near him, unless he acknowledges the issue enough to get help. I am 3 yrs down the track myself, with my (undiagnosed, but 99.99999999% certainly) BPD boyfriend. It's so complicated and difficult but I wish I could go back in time to the first major episode of erratic behaviour and lay down the boundaries and ultimatum that he must seek help. As much as things would get good again, they ALWAYS swung back to bad again. I didn't have any inkling of BPD back then, but if you do, believe me, seek help as it will probably be needed to maintain such a relationship. I too have been a softy in not wanting to blame him and wanting to help. But none of that actually helped in the end. I won't get back into anything serious with him now unless he seeks proper help.

Also, do seek the help or support of friends, you can't face this alone. You'll need a listening ear. I read some of the success stories on this site. They have good advice in them. Most of them needed a proper diagnosis and therapy to make it through.