letter from sis after 1 year no contact

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi forum,

I received an e-mail yesterday from my uBPD sister. It's been nearly a year since we have had zero contact, and this letter has really thrown me for another loop. Cliffs notes version is that my sister did not attend my wedding when I asked for her children to not be present during my 20 minute ceremony. When she couldn't plan my wedding as she wished, she raged for months and then decided not to attend. It was a heart-breaking moment to see to what extent her mental illness has alienated her from everyone - and now, one of the few people who is still loyal to her.

She was so destabilizing to me that I stopped trying to contact her after my wedding. 9 months later, this past weekend we had the wedding of a mutual friend. I saw her there, with her husband and children. I went up to greet her husband (who is very nice, and seems to be very normal) and children, and looked for her eye contact which she gave me so briefly before staring at the floor and entertaining her kids. She would not acknowledge me whatsoever - very awkward. Then late last night she sends me a very long e-mail about how sad she was on National Sibling's Day - that she was extending an "olive branch." But demanded that I tell her the "truth" about my life - which she believes to be that my husband is actually a manipulative bully who demanded no children at the wedding, and that I actually wanted kids there, but had to be submissive to my bully husband. This couldn't be further from the truth - I don't need to go into details about my wonderful, patient, supportive husband. She also said things like "I know you will deny it, as you always have. I will go to my grave knowing the truth about your life, because I just cannot believe that you would reject my children from your wedding."

I'm so tired of this. So tired. My friends who have read the email in its entirety urge me not to respond because... .well... .where do you even begin? Her perception of me is so skewed, so broken, that it's hard to believe we spent so many years of our lives together. In her e-mail she never once asked me about my feelings, or my thoughts. She just reiterates what she believes are my thoughts and feelings, and tells me why they are wrong. It seems that the only way I get my family back is if I reject my husband and come running to them admitting they were right about everything. This is almost laughable considering I have worked very hard to build myself a stable and happy life. At the same time, the even minute hope of reconciliation haunts me. Even if I know I will never have a real relationship with my only sister. It just breaks my heart.

I'm mostly hoping to just vent here, so thank you for listening and reading. I don't think I will respond, even though she has forwarded the email to all 3 of my accounts to make sure I receive it. I think I just need to let this go. Let her go.

[GreenGlit]

Hi forum,

I received an e-mail yesterday from my uBPD sister. It's been nearly a year since we have had zero contact, and this letter has really thrown me for another loop. Cliffs notes version is that my sister did not attend my wedding when I asked for her children to not be present during my 20 minute ceremony. When she couldn't plan my wedding as she wished, she raged for months and then decided not to attend. It was a heart-breaking moment to see to what extent her mental illness has alienated her from everyone - and now, one of the few people who is still loyal to her.

She was so destabilizing to me that I stopped trying to contact her after my wedding. 9 months later, this past weekend we had the wedding of a mutual friend. I saw her there, with her husband and children. I went up to greet her husband (who is very nice, and seems to be very normal) and children, and looked for her eye contact which she gave me so briefly before staring at the floor and entertaining her kids. She would not acknowledge me whatsoever - very awkward. Then late last night she sends me a very long e-mail about how sad she was on National Sibling's Day - that she was extending an "olive branch." But demanded that I tell her the "truth" about my life - which she believes to be that my husband is actually a manipulative bully who demanded no children at the wedding, and that I actually wanted kids there, but had to be submissive to my bully husband. This couldn't be further from the truth - I don't need to go into details about my wonderful, patient, supportive husband. She also said things like "I know you will deny it, as you always have. I will go to my grave knowing the truth about your life, because I just cannot believe that you would reject my children from your wedding."

I'm so tired of this. So tired. My friends who have read the email in its entirety urge me not to respond because... .well... .where do you even begin? Her perception of me is so skewed, so broken, that it's hard to believe we spent so many years of our lives together. In her e-mail she never once asked me about my feelings, or my thoughts. She just reiterates what she believes are my thoughts and feelings, and tells me why they are wrong. It seems that the only way I get my family back is if I reject my husband and come running to them admitting they were right about everything. This is almost laughable considering I have worked very hard to build myself a stable and happy life. At the same time, the even minute hope of reconciliation haunts me. Even if I know I will never have a real relationship with my only sister. It just breaks my heart.

I'm mostly hoping to just vent here, so thank you for listening and reading. I don't think I will respond, even though she has forwarded the email to all 3 of my accounts to make sure I receive it. I think I just need to let this go. Let her go.

[Turkish]

Just throwing this out... .If she's BPD attached (enmeshed) with her children, your "rejection" of them is a rejection of her. She doesn't see them as separate entities.

[Pilpel]

First of all,     Where did this national siblings day come from?       I've completely ignored this on facebook.  And I hope it goes away.  Though it's probably going to grow into a regular day, like mother's and father's day that we'll all be obligated to observe. 

In her e-mail she never once asked me about my feelings, or my thoughts. She just reiterates what she believes are my thoughts and feelings, and tells me why they are wrong.

This has been my experience with my uBPD sil.  And it still kind of amazes me that there are so many other people out there who are just like this.  I've had some success in dealing with my uBPD sil by just acknowledging how she feels. But ultimately we're never sharing the same reality. She's constantly trying to control the narrative.  And truth and reality are completely irrelevant in her narrative. 

[GreenGlit]

Thanks for your replies.

Turkish - I can see that now, didn't see it a year ago when I asked this of her. Kids are an extension of her, as we were an extension of our uBPD mother. So much cyclical behavior here.

I showed the e-mail to my therapist after making an emergency appointment. She read it, sighed, and said, "Wow... .I read this and can see you sister is very ill. This is a severe personality disorder."

I decided not to reply - it will accomplish nothing.

[Pilpel]

Often times, no relpy is the best option.  Any any reply just keeps the drama game going.