New love isn't a replacement; I like my pedestal

[Ab123]

I really think my exbfwuBPD's reach out last Friday was the final Hail Mary pass, and that I'm unlikely to have contact with him unless I initiate sometime down the road.

I'm really super proud of myself for resisting, because it has been hard, even with a great new bf that I have growing feelings for.

Over the last few days I've been coming to terms with a couple of insights that seem true to me:

1.  Falling in love with someone new, and beginning to envision a happy future with him, doesn't change how I feel about my ex at all. Sure, it gives me a reason not to go back and talk to the ex: I have something to lose, and someone I don't want to hurt. But, it doesn't change the underlying feelings. I still love and miss my ex, and it still makes me sad to think that I probably will never talk to him again. The fact that I have chosen the low-drama route is a personal victory, but I still feel loss. I thought I might cave in if he said "all the right things," so I guess there was hope, until he said all those things and I still refused to see him.

2.  Thinking of myself on a "one that got away" pedestal gives me a lot of pleasure and comfort. I feel a little guilty about that, because I feel like it is a form of revenge: "ha! You hurt me! Now be sad at what you lost!"  But, I didn't "cause" it, except by being nice. Even by insisting on being faithful to my new bf, my ex is forced to face the fact that I'm a good person, who, as he has said repeatedly "hasn't done anything wrong."  (I sent one tipsy text that I shouldn't have a few weeks ago, but immediately apologized profusely.). Anyway, I've decided that it is a permissible guilty pleasure to imagine him thinking of me longingly as he tries to meet new women. I think it falls within the bounds of "healthy narcissism".

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ab123,

I don't any of us needs to feel guilty about our feelings. They are temporary waves that wash over and through our bodies—they do not define who we are. I think when we get stuck in one emotion it usually means that we don't want to feel something else, perhaps a deeper feeling underneath the surface one. Running the same story over and over in our heads can result in the same kind of "stationing."

I think your feelings of sadness at the loss of your ex, and your revenge-like feelings are completely normal and understandable. You are doing the self-inquiring and processing that leads to detachment and freedom, and I commend you for that!

Thanks for sharing your process. It helps all of us no matter what stage we are in. 

heartandwhole

[gotbushels]

Well done on your resistance Ab123

I felt a bit cheeky when I read:

2.  Thinking of myself on a "one that got away" pedestal gives me a lot of pleasure and comfort. I feel a little guilty about that, because I feel like it is a form of revenge: "ha! You hurt me! Now be sad at what you lost!" 

But when you followed on with this:

But, I didn't "cause" it, except by being nice.

I felt like I understood how you felt despite your mix of emotions, and I'm so happy for you performing your healthy action Thank you for sharing!