Mother Living With Me Update

[Our abuse recovery guide]

She said that they tested her for dementia, and she passed. I know, "she said." The memory lapses, perhaps, but I still think this are overshadowed but BPD, depression, PTSD, and according to her (keep in mind that she's an RN), OCD.

[Turkish]

She said that they tested her for dementia, and she passed. I know, "she said." The memory lapses, perhaps, but I still think this are overshadowed but BPD, depression, PTSD, and according to her (keep in mind that she's an RN), OCD.

[unicorn2014]

Are you concerned you are at risk for dementia? I have a grandparent on either side that died from dementia and I am concerned I am at risk.

[disillusionedandsore]

Yes thinking and worrying will pull you down pretty fast in my experience, quicker than you might think. My mom can sound so lucid on the phone she could convince me almost that she is fine, getting on top of things, sounds chirpy even... .I go to see how she is living (dark,  clutter,  filth) and talk to her neighbours,  it's a whole other story... .When I stick around for a while to observe her behaviour and to hear her thinking aloud,  I am left in no doubt as to how sick she is... .The self neglect is cruel. Yet she has the right to that autonomy. I do not have to like it.

Focusing on your own self care and the well-being of your two children sounds healthy to me. Recharge a bit... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

You certainly are a good son.   No doubt about it.   As I read your updates this morning,  I wondered if there might be a happy medium (or 1/4)  in here:  your mom could be a "snowbird" with you.   She could come for 4 months in the winter when it is dangerously cold and then go back home for spring, summer, fall.  From all that you have shared,  living together 24/7 year after year sounds legitimately hard on EVERYONE... .you,  your mom,  your kids.   But if everyone knew y'all would be together for 4 months each winter then it could feel much more manageable.   The hard stuff would still be hard but could be contained with an end in sight.   With such a structure,  there would always be a reprieve:  when she is with you,  you both would get the reprieve of her going home and when she is in her own difficult home there would be the reprieve of coming to you.   Y'all might better be able to enjoy or appreciate  that time since neither of you would feel stuck.   With BPD,  there is so much black & white/all or nothing thinking.  This model could let things co-exist.   Be together but not always.   Be apart but always.  LIve in the hoard but not always.  Live nice and clean but not always.   Be with family but not always.   Seems like this could (just maybe! ) have a nice  rhythm.   Of course,  with BPD involved some wrenches will get thrown I to the mix,  but I'd encourage you to give yourself permission for LOTS of options. 

[khibomsis]

That is a rough one, Turkish. I remember when my niece 15 was recently diagnosed NBPD at one stage I was getting so stressed I had severe chest pains. That brought me up sharply, I realized that the last thing anybody needed, most of all myself, was me having a stroke. Co-dependency can be hazardous to the health and should come with warning signs. I said she has got to take some responsibility for her own healing. Now, though I still FOG terribly, no chest pains. So glad you are setting boundaries with your mom! , khib

[Turkish]

The snow bird idea is one a buddy at work floated. There may be something workable there. Given her age and the memory issues, I'm not sure she is going to make it another year.

A friend of mine called me today. I hadn't talked to him since December, before this happened. I told him the story, and he said, "your mom has been bat-s--- crazy since I've known her. She competed with my mom." I've known him for 31 years, freshman day in high school. I think his mom was way worse (my other friend, his brother, never even acknowledged her as being his mother after he escaped), but I didn't argue the point.

I let my mom's bank statement lie on my couch all week, given her accusations about me or the kids opening the mail. Today, I opened it. She has $4300 in her account, and her social security check is $1500, $200-300 more per month than what I estimated, given what she told me a few years ago. If only she had worked a few more years to full, retirement age, it would be a few hundred more per month.

About $100/month property taxes, gas to tool around within a 15 mile radius, utilities, and food, that is more than enough to live on comfortably with no mortgage or rent. She recently told me, "people wonder his I get by on just my meager social security."

Over ten years ago, the mortgage was paid off by then, she told me she was struggling by in about $1200/month. I did a quick mental calculation in my head: I was paying that much in rent on my studio at the time, and making a $350/month car payment. Yes, I was putting over %10 of my gross into my 401(k)--, personal retirement account for those outside of the U.S., and also 10% into my company's stock purchase plan, but factoring in my rent, I was living on about the same disposable income, plus making that truck payment (the truck I later gave to her in 2009). Not long after that she told me she had to cut up her ATM card due to a QVC Jewelry Channel shopping addiction. Even given only $1800/year, I really could fix all of her problems within a year if I managed her money. Her properties in her dead husband's name are worth a minimum of $120k.  I'm sure we will lose those. I don't care either.

She called me this evening. It's been raining most of the day here near the ocean. Since she's in the leeward side of the mountains, she's probably gotten far more than we have due to the mountain effect. She told me she laid in bed all day, not wanting to go out to get wet. There are no more animals to feed, just the Devil Dog. No electricity still. I didn't ask if she went down to DMV to apply for a state photo ID. She sounded lucid and normal. However, she wanted to talk to me about our r/s. My fur instantly bristled; not out of anger, but not wanting to talk about it.

This is my major character flaw: being a bit Waifish myself. It's like when my Ex walked into the room a month or so before she started cheating... "I'm unhappy!" Mostly silence (fear?) from the Wolf. "Maybe you should go out and party, because we have a 1 and 3 year old to raise, and I don't feel it's right to abandon them to go party." Basically. Invalidating.

"I thought you and the kids were coming up this weekend, something about seeing the snow? There isn't snow here, but it's cold, in the 50s." No, but it's raining. There will, be plenty of snow up country for at least another month.

I let her talk to the kids. I told her that I had talked to her just three days ago. She paused and said that she didn't remember. She told me that the phone works both ways. I told her this a year ago when she had complained that I never called. At the time, I would call by 3 weeks if I hadn't heard from her. I reminded her that we had talked 3 times since she left a week and a haof (not even) ago. She didn't remember.

I guess I'm split white again, after the accusations she made to me, and whoever would listen, including the cop who picked her up. I still, don't know what I should do.

My buddy today was right. I shouldn't have told my Ex anything. I gave her the basic outline. I was foolishly desperate to tell someone close. Last week, she told me that S6 was hesitant to go back. I asked him, and he said t was because grandma yelled at him for dropping one of the Chihuhuas. Ther than short ealks down the block, and the one time i took D3 to the pharmacy to get medicine when S6 was throwing up a month ago, I've never been out of earshot f my mom and the kids together. My son deserved to be chastised if he dropped a dog. Better than what my Ex's family tells her when she can't control the kids, "you need to hit them!" My mom would probably agree with that philosophy. She certainly did it enough with me.   

[Kwamina]

Hi T

You let your kids talk to your mother on the phone. How have your kids responded to your mother all of a sudden no longer living with you guys?

Nothing about this is easy, every solution seems to have both positive and negative consequences. Your mother no longer living with you probably means less drama in the house, yet knowing she is living there all alone in those conditions undoubtedly is something that causes you internal dis-ease.

I can also imagine that the way your mother left even after all you've been through would also particularly hurt as it might have felt as another abandonment. Though you are an adult now, it still would have been nice if things worked out. Deep inside there might always remain a little spark of hope that one day our BPD parents would actually become that loving fantasy parent.

You brought your mother back to her own house and weighting all the information, this indeed might have been the best solution. At least for now. No matter how things go from here, I do want to say that what you did for your mother by taking her in these last few months to get her out of the cold was amazing and a sign of inner strength and love. I also think that by having your mother there these last few months, you also have given your children the chance to spent some time with her. I know your mother's problems, yet she is still their grandmother and in the long run this gift of getting to know her a little can become a cherished memory. They can look back and say that they knew their grandmother, not just from a picture but from their own memory. In all your mother's dysfunction, she has at least at times shown that she cares for your kids like that time you went to visit her and she was so pleased to see all of you and she gave your kids presents. Your mother clearly and unfortunately struggles with consistently showing she cares in a caring way as a result of her disorder. Yet there are those little moments in which the love comes through.

[unicorn2014]

I appreciate your insights both into yourself and into your relationship with your ex, as well as your relationship with your mother.

[Turkish]

The kids don't say much. They ask, but I tell them that grandma went back to live in the mountains.

I couldn't even get on the site last night. I didn't have the kids (but do tonight). Her former neighbor called me. At the first hour, I looked at my phone and thought, "it's been an hour, time to wrap it up." We ended up talking for just under 4 hours, past midnight. I couldn't believe it. She's only 15 years older than I am, but has grandkids, so we talked about them as well.

After I told her about the black mold, she researched it. She was convinced that it was the root of my mom's mental problems. We went round and round. I told her the history going back 30 years... I said that I was going to turn my mom in. N kept saying, "promise me that you won't do that. Get her blood tested, they can treat it. I told more stories, trying to get her to understand that while the memory lapses might be related, that my mom had a life long history of mental illnesses. Back and forth. I told her more stories, like the time in '84 when she almost sent me into a coma because she was dysregulating so badly that she took me to the central valley in 114 F heat, me being unable to sweat. "But you mom always told me stories about how she protected you!" She did, until that time she almost permanently damaged me. It may be why I can't do math. I also told her the CPS story. She said that she had heard that. I told her the real version and why. She never knew, only my mom's paranoia about me being taken. I told her that my mom took me out of 8th grade for 4 months, and there was no plan for home schooling. The math homework was piled up when CPS forced me back, and of course I was on my own to do it.

N told me more about things that happened 20 years ago. I heard these from my mom. This was far before the black mold. I heard the version of this from my mom and I rolled my eyes, not that she could see.

N and her H did a remodel. They rented a portable dumpster. They parked it on the road clser to my mom's house, and N said that she could use it for free to get rid of some of her Stuff. My mom didn't talk to her for over a month. She told N later that she was so triggered that she took  nitro pills for 3 days and told N, "you never tell a hoarder to get rid of their stuff!" I heard this story from my mom back then, minus the nitro pills.

N told me the story about how my mom tried to convince them to drill a well and they'd share it... N wisely said no, correctly assiming that they would pay for it, and my mom wouldn't. This was in the mid '90s, when I said that she should drill a well to get off city water.

N told me how she used to invite my mom to take showers, because living with the mildew, animal waste and cigarette smoke, she always reeked. This was a point of cintention between my mom and my Ex. My mom also blamed me, "you and your smells!" Two years ago, my mom brought Dora ppajamas for my daughter. I washed them twice. Her brother said, D3 stinis!" I washed them twice more, with bleach, not enough to fade, until they were ok.

N also told me of the times, ten years ago or more, that she used to let my mom do laudndry, because my mom didn't have money for the laundromat. I told her, "really? Not even $7 in change?" Enabler. Once, my mom brought bedding up that had birthing residue from one of my mom's dogs. See, to my mom, this is normal; whereas, anyone else would have burned the sheets (or at the very least, rinsed off the bedding with a hose). N was gagging, called her boss at the time for support. I would have burned the sheets. She also told me how my mom's dogs would come up to their property daily to root through and strew their trash. I remember my mom telling me those stories, blaming the neighbors. I would have pulled out the pellet or BB gun. Bad neighbor, my mom.

M also hinted that there was something else, recent, that she would tell me later. Teasing! There are a few other stories, from long ago.More of the usual: paranoia. Delusion.

Tonight i got a call from her area code. I missed it since i was putting the kids to bed. S5 had a dysregulation, but nothing like he had at his mom's home yesterday. She called this afternoon to talk about it. He's so angry... .

I called my mom earlier today. I was off site from work getting technical training to keep me relavent, since my company sucks. After 12 years with my previous company, now 3 with the large, well known company who took us over, I may have to change jobs within a year or two. More stress.

My mom sounded lucid and upbeat. She still doesn't have electricity. She found her current driver's license, so all is well. I pointed out that her license was suspended. She refused to go back to her health care provider (painted black). I again encouraged her to go down to the senior center to get help. She said that she would. She won't.

Then I threatened to turn her in if she didn't, stressing that if she did it, she would be in control. She didn't hear it. Last night, N told me that she drove to a local RV park to see about getting a place to live, but that she got confused and went home.

My mom told me, "you're always so negative! I'm trying to keep the family intact!" Then she asked me for my address. She's sending S6 some stickers. I again encouraged her to go to the senior center. I backed off my threat about turning her in. She sounded so lucid; that's how she fools people.

Tonight, the call was from a woman from her church. My mom gave them my number. They hadn't seen her in 4 months. I filled her in, touching upon the past and current mental issues. She said that she was hesitant to call me, as if interferring in family business. I told her about the hoard (which one would have to see to understand, the black mold, etc. She confirmed that my mom seemed to deny help, but didn't. I said that I had talked to her earlier today, and that i had been encouraging her to reach out to the senior center. Church Friend said that they had also. Offered to connectvhervwith Meals on Wheels. I said that my BFAM also offered. My mim is covered... .if she wants to be.

I wish I could say that i didn't care, but I do. I feel like I'm dealing with a slow death here.

As Alfred Lord Tennyson said:

That which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

I like to think of this as my Anthem. So, too, has it been that of my mother. In her case, however,  it's twisted within multiple disorders. Nice thought, but in application, it's been nothing more than a mess her whole life.

My innocent babes are sleeping inside. They're my primary responsibility. I wish I had the strength to deal with it all, but I don't.

James 1:27

1 Timothy 5:8

[Turkish]

I got a call from the neighbor this morning. I can't even go to my job undisturbed. She was using his water for a few days until she got it turned back on. The rats and vermin are overwhelming. I don't blame him, as he lives just up the hill from her. He said that code enforcement and probably APS (Adult Protective Services) were looking for her. I said that he could give them my number.

I got a call during lunch, private number, I let it go to voice mail. I listened to the message and it was from Code Enforcement. Called back and talked to the guy for a while. He said that she first got a notice a year ago for the solid waste and vermin violations. He talked about the long process about putting the property into abatement. She has 30 days to initiate clean up. I told him that she wouldn't, and to do what he needed to do. So they will come in, charge her for the clean up... .everything will be taken away. I told him about her mental health issues and the extreme hoarding. She won't take care of it. Yet another lein will go on the property. She'll lose it.

Supposedly, someone from APS will call me soon. The jig is up. Game over.

[khibomsis]

Turkish you have done your best. Fortunately for her, you have held out an open hand consistently. She knows she can come to you and be safe. Time you took care of yourself for a while. Let go and let God. , khib

[Sunfl0wer]

I have not much to offer yet just wanted to say I have no idea how you do it!

 

My innocent babes are sleeping inside. They're my primary responsibility. I wish I had the strength to deal with it all, but I don't.

When my own mom had challenging needs, I had to constantly remind myself the priority of my roles and responsibilities in life.  I reiterated them to myself to ward off my own FOG towards her needs.

You sound way more focused than anyone can expect under such circumstances.

[disillusionedandsore]

It certainly will be interesting to see what happens. My brother cleaned my mother's house last October removed sacks full of waste, worse than ever now... .I didn't stick around long enough to meet the rodents!  Instead I rescued the hostages... .  I mean the pets. 

[Turkish]

It is elder abuse if you open their mail, assuming they no longer live there?

Got an overdraft notice. The $1300 property tax check bounced since she only had about $1000 in her account. On March 30, she had $4500. 

Could be her. I can't imagine even if she rode taxis around all day on March 31, that it would be thousands of dollars. The neighbor also told me today that she's been bringing in stuff.

One definition of self neglect is inability to manage one's finances (maybe I should turn in the government,

The thing is that she has never been able to properly. This stuff isn't that difficult.

[Naughty Nibbler]

LOL, We only wish there was someone to turn the Govt. in to.  It is dysfunctional and most politicians are unethical and corrupt.

Hope mom doesn't have a debit feature on her checking account.  That could get her in trouble fast.  Banks tend to default to including the debit feature.  It took me extra effort to get an ATM card from BOA without debit, but for me it was worth the effort.  Aside from the fact that it is too easy to spend with a debit card, there is a lot of opportunity for mistakes, tracking issues for the unorganized and an opportunity for businesses to grab money when they shouldn't. 

[Turkish]

NN,

That's a good tip about getting a regular ATM card like they started out being.

Maybe ten years ago, my mother was addicted to the QVC jewelry channel. She over drafted so much that the bank canceled it. Within two years, she got it back. The boundary asserted by that small town bank led to her changing her behavior, unlike so many of us in her life who enabled her 

Her former neighbor called last night. Not a 4 hour conversation, but one of 3 hours   About 9-midnight.

N was distraught, as my mom isn't returning her calls. She finally told me the thing that she wouldn't tell me the other night: that my mom told me she was going to kill herself. I told N that unlike my mom's previous talk about wanting to die, that was a clear threat that warranted a 911 call. I assured N, however, that I had talked to my mom yesterday morning (which would have been Wednesday), and that my mom sounded positive and determined.

Some of the conversation was talking about her life. We shared being betrayed by our Exes, but her marriage was over 30 years... .far more significant than my 6. 80% however, was about my mom. More stories came out.

Around 2000, N worked at a general store. Think 7-11, but better, with a small deli, too... N used to give my mom fried and baked food that was old (for the day... .say hours) because my mom never had money. After a year or so, N felt guilty, because employees were only allowed to eat the food or take it home. N stopped doing it, and N thought that my mom stopped talking to her for a while then was due to that.  I told N that she showed kindness, and that she did nothing wrong. She wasn't  responsible for my mom being mad.

She expanded upon her stories about tolerating my mom's dogs strewing their trash in the yard, looking for food. To stop that, because my mom wouldn't, she spent hundreds f dollars on dog food, bringing it to my mom. The story I heard from my mom back in the day was that N was bad, even when I pointed out that my mom that they had every right to keep the dogs off her property. I told N that I would have shot them, at least with a BB gun, maybe with a Super Soaker with ammonia or vinegar.  She said she never caught the dogs. I offered that it might have been racoons. She said that there was a trail of trash leading to my mom's property. She also talked about bringing my mom to sporting events in the big city (and hour away), dinners. She also talked again about how she was angry at me for letting my mom lve like that. She first knew my mom in the '90s. I lived out of state from '97-2000, but the stories started from then.

N kept focusing on my mom never having money. I told her about the overdraft, and I also told her about 1982 when my mom sent me and some other kids from a dysfunctional family (I have many stories about them, but they're not relevent yet) to dumpster dive for expired produce. Cull the rotting lettuce and grapes, wash it, and eat it. N was blown away (she's still fixated on getting my mom treated for black mold, and she'll be right as rain).

I talked to N about Splitting and Projection, because N is hurt. My mom reached out to her (after not liking  my suggestions to go to the senior center--- she doesn't want to get caught), but has likely moved on to there who will enable her.

N started crying. "I did so much for her over the years, but your mom hurt me, very bad!"  I don't have a bluetooth for my ear, but I had my cell cradled against my neck as I was sauteing vegetables for late night burritos.

It's never so simple as that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams says, "it's not you fault," but I kind of went there. She said in so many words that she was detaching, and I encouraged her to. She equivocated when I asked her if she would be willing to talk to someone official if it came to that. I didn't push her.

I also heard more about how my mom complained about S6. N knows about my mom's molestation. I didn't out my Ex about hers (not to minimize my Ex's, but it wasn't 7 years of rape like my mom endured). I did, however, say that like my Ex, my mom had a problem with men. Given what I endured, I don't think it's healthy in the long term for my mom to be living with my kids. Two summers ago, my mom made negative comments in front of the kids when a stranger commented upon how beautiful my daughter was. It bugged me then, and I knew my mom was projecting. I don't think I can deal with shielding the kids from this long term.  N couldn't process how my mom could talk so great about the kids the last few years asopposed to my mom complaining about them now. Intimacy triggers disordered thinking. Everyone here gets it.

If it all goes to hell, which it is, and I can't show my muzzle here because I'm a bad son, then it is what it is. The county has caught up with her, just like in 1983, and she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. She's survived by latching onto enablers. I dont think i really ever saw it that way, but it seems true now. Enablers, me being one, shield the enablee from the consequences of their behaviors.


I have to watch our kids tomorrow day and overnight on their mom's weekend. No matter what anyone else thinks, they are my primary responsibility. D3's 4th birthday is next weekend. Her grandma coudnt even stick around a few more weeks for that.

[Kwamina]

Hi T,

She's survived by latching onto enablers. I dont think i really ever saw it that way, but it seems true now. Enablers, me being one, shield the enablee from the consequences of their behaviors.

It is sad that it has come to this with your mother, but it's the result of her own actions.

As far as your role in all of this is concerned, I would like to quote some things to you:

I had a session with my T last week. He said that I was a dutiful son. Does duty equal love? Maybe in some form. Ii remember my T saying to me a year ago or more regarding my Ex, "there's nothing wrong with being patient and kind. Those are aspects of love."

I think the topic of duty is very interesting to explore. Decisions made out of a sense of duty are very different to me than decisions out of fear, obligation and guilt. Duty is about a personal choice based on what we believe is the right thing to do in a certain situation, this after carefully assessing the situation and knowing full and well what our decision entails. To me duty is about taking responsibility for things, not out of fear, obligation or guilt but because you believe this is the right thing to do based on your own personal values and morals. It's not about sacrificing ourselves for others, duty works both ways because we also need to be mindful of our own wants and needs and our own capabilities to fulfill this duty. We also have a duty to ourselves which needs to be balanced with the duty we feel to other people.

In spite of your inner struggles, you are doing well. You understand and you know how the game works at it's innermost technicalities. I hear that you wish to love her. My T reminds me that I loved to the best of my ability to love when I asked him if I ever really loved her. You are loving, even if by duty, to the best of your ability as well.

You can call it enabling, but another way to classify what you have done is that you have taken responsibility and done what you believe is the right thing to do. If it wasn't for you, your mother likely wouldn't have made it this far. The way I see it, the main reason she is still alive today is because of the endless love and care you have shown her. It perhaps would have been easier to completely distance yourself from her and let her go through live all alone, yet you made the decision to face the hardships and be there for her out of a sense of duty because you believed it was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing can be very hard, but in my opinion you have done the right thing. Of course looking back certain things you might have done better, but hindsight is always 20/20. Your overall strategy though was solid, your objective was to be caring without necessarily taking care of her, you did the best with the knowledge and skills you had. In spite of everything you remained caring where many others might have walked away a long time ago. Patient and kind so I guess that really is love, what you have done for your mother is what I consider an act of love.

I have to watch our kids tomorrow day and overnight on their mom's weekend. No matter what anyone else thinks, they are my primary responsibility. D3's 4th birthday is next weekend. Her grandma coudnt even stick around a few more weeks for that.

I totally agree, your kids are your number one priority And putting them first is again an act of love.

[Turkish]

Not to continue JADEing my actions, or lack thereof, but I forgot to mention that N told me that my mom criticized the fact that then S5 and D2 were sharing a room. More of my mom's issue with males. She never mentioned it to me, but it would have come up eventually. That's why I was hesitant to move my mom into the 3rd room (even though my mom hinted), because next year, the effort needs to be made to move D4 (next week!) into her own room. I even entertained the thought of giving my mom the 3rd room, D3; my room (since it has a half bathroom), and me sleeping on the couch.

I haven't gotten any calls, and I'm not specifically afraid to call, but I just don't want to deal with the drama. My 18th summer, my mom was dysregulating badly. A friend and I showed up to help her move some stuff out of storage that she was losing. My buddy had just gotten his license, and had borrowed his dad's truck. He was frustrated why we just didn't go move the stuff. My mom, crying, very bad, ipened the door and said, "just go!" I had moved out earlier in the year, in college 50 miles away. When I came home on weekends, I stayed with my friend, and also worked.

I was so angry and frustrated that it crossed my mind to leave then, and never return. NC forever. I sighed within my soul, and talked her down enough to go help move. We didn't get everything, I don't remember why since she had 5 acres, but we got enough. There were some valuable antiques in the storage locker that she lost.

I came up every weekend for the next three years until I graduated. Some weekends, I wouldn't call  or visit. She usually found out, being a small town.

Before I graduated, I got a job in the Silicon Valley, 120 miles away from her, and 60 miles or so distant from where I was living in the central valley of California. She drove me down, and slept in the parking lot while I interviewed (the hiring manager had already interviewed me at the college, and the on site interview was a formality by her boss).

Though my mom subtly shamed me over the years for my educational and career choice, she was there for me now and then, not that I couldn't have secured a ride somehow.

It's so hard to deal with comartmentalized personalities. I feel like I've written ff my mom now, as I wanted to do 26 years ago. I struggle between guilt (truthfully, N's past anger towards me about letting my mom live as she does doesn't affect me), and feeling literally nothing. Neither is good.

[unicorn2014]

I agree with what Kwamina said, well put!

[unicorn2014]

From my perspective, at least you can have a relationship with your mother, mine totally blows me off. However you have a heavy price to pay for having a relationship with your mother. That's what I kind of see as your two choices, have the relationship, pay the price, don't have the relationship, pay the price. My father on the other hand totally alienated his mother and now I'm in the middle of a probate case. Doesn't sound like you'll have that problem when your mother passes on.  

[Turkish]

I may be involved in a probate case as my mom's properties are in her dead husband's name. I heard a version years ago that she put her 5 acres in his name to avoid property taxes. Knowing what I do now, that doesn't make sense. The county puts a lein. They don't care who pays the taxes, just that they are paid. I also heard from N that she did that because she had no credit, having recently lost 25 acres in foreclosure. Who knows.

It's hard to recall 7 hours of conversation, but I was texting my buddy tonight (he's known me since i was 17, and was the one who helped us move what we could from her storage in '90--- I'll call him BFAF, since his mother abandoned him and his little sister when he was 12). M told me that my mom told her years ago that she adopted me because no new else wanted me. I told N that that was ridiculous. I was 2.4. I hadn't been in foster care long. Sure, I had/have a physical disability. I am also 1/4 or half Indian (Indigenous American). The social worker at the time had concerns about the interracial adoption. She also let my mom know that she thought children should have two parents. My mom contacted a well known civil rights attorney. Just that threat was enough to help it go through.

I've known that story for years, but hearing what my mom told her neighbor soldified what I always thought: did she adopt me for me (I.e., was I wanted), or for her, to rescue a waif child, a pattern which I observed her repeating time after time very the years, with all of the waifs being split black in the end? Maybe it doesn't matter. It was what it was, and is what it is.

[Woolspinner2000]

Turkish,

I'm so sorry for all this struggle you are currently in. It totally stinks. You worked hard to do what you felt was right, and your mom seems to have rejected nearly all your efforts. But as you've shared, there are those bright spots as well, rare, but here and there. I've learned a lot as I've read your posts of this journey you are on. Sometimes it brings back to me, "Oh, I forgot that!" or "Oh my goodness, I forgot that was how she was" as you've shared. Conveniently forgotten, or buried in C-PTSD, one or the other for me. To go back and release those memories buried in my psyche, it helps me turn over the puzzle pieces lost or hidden for many years in my own life, and validates the unsureness which constantly exists within me. 

I see you are going through this too in your own way. I'm thankful for the validation you are receiving from others, to confirm that there is and has been this great dysfunction with your mom. At the same time, I perceive the grief you are walking through, and I am glad you can share some of it with us. Doesn't matter the form it comes in, be it anger, sadness, or feelings of her abandoning you again, they are all legitimate. While I wish you were not going through this, I'm glad you are working to process. Most of all I'm thankful that you are doing your best to take care of you and your children. 

I have to watch our kids tomorrow day and overnight on their mom's weekend. No matter what anyone else thinks, they are my primary responsibility. D3's 4th birthday is next weekend.

Thumbs up to Kwamina's thread.  I was inspired to go and look up some lyrics that came to my mind after I read his post. While not exactly applicable due to the fact that it is referring to a DH and wife, at the same time there is a greater truth therein. From Fiddler on the Roof:


"(Tevye)Do you love me?

(Golde)Do I what?

(Tevye)Do you love me?

(Golde) Do I love you?

With our daughters getting married

And this trouble in the town

You're upset, you're worn out

Go inside, go lie down!

Maybe it's indigestion…

(Tevye)"Golde I'm asking you a question... ." Do you love me?

(Golde)You're a fool

(Tevye)"I know... ." But do you love me?

(Golde)

Do I love you?

For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes

Cooked your meals, cleaned your house

Given you children, milked the cow

After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye) Golde, The first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared

(Golde)I was shy

(Tevye)I was nervous

(Golde)So was I

(Tevye)But my father and my mother

Said we'd learn to love each other

And now I'm asking, Golde

Do you love me?

(Golde)I'm your wife

(Tevye)"I know... ." But do you love me?

(Golde)Do I love him?

For twenty-five years I've lived with him

Fought him, starved with him

Twenty-five years my bed is his

If that's not love, what is?

(Tevye)Then you love me?

(Golde)I suppose I do

(Tevye)And I suppose I love you too

(Both)It doesn't change a thing but even so

After twenty-five years, It's nice to know."



The point is that love isn't always a feeling. More often than not it is something you do. And you have shown all of us that you do love your mom. I Corinthians 13 talks about what we do, not the things we say.

Keep going! 

Wools

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread.