Letter to my cheating BPD/NPD

[cm3557]

I would like to take a minute to go back to January last year and remind you of the girl that walked into your life. A girl with confidence, happiness and self belief who found joy in the world around her. And I want you to look at me now. I am unrecognisable even to myself. I look in the mirror and all I see looking back at me is a broken and shattered woman who has lost every scrap of her soul to your lies and manipulations. I don’t know why I thought my love could fix you or that we could do it ‘together’. I ignored my gut feelings, I ignored clear evidence of your lack of integrity and involvement with other women.  I forgave you for telling lies, for treating me like your personal emotional punching bag.  I ignored the advice of my family and friends, who I increasingly became more isolated from due to your crazy jealousy and episodes any time I would see them. I’d make excuses for you to them and in my heart. I put up with your crazy behavior and suicide threats.  I accepted your "sorry's" only to receive the same treatment.  Broken promises, betrayal... .I don’t even know the depth of how far the deceit goes.  But don’t be mistaken,  I KNOW it runs deep and I know I will never know the whole truth.  You’re a skilled, practiced, mastermind manipulator.  I won’t be fooled anymore  Pretty words don't make up for ugly actions.  I have only ever cared about and loved you but all you have ever thought about is yourself. You would twist everything that happened to make it seem like I had let you down and you're the injured martyr. I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you've done to me. And the fact that I know how poisonous you are for me and yet I couldn’t let you go all those times makes me angrier than anything. I love you but I hate you.  But that's what you do, isn't it? You've developed this knack of making people think you're undeniably kind and caring and wonderful.  You charm them only to let them crash on the rocks.  You’ve spent your life fooling people for your own selfish satisfaction. I’ve lost all respect for you.  Your behaviors, how you have repeatedly treated others, is pathetic and embarrassing. An empty life built on lies and selfishness is a lonely one, and not much of a life at all, and I feel sorry for you. I can move forward knowing the man i loved, doesn’t really exist.

I’m glad I know the truth now as others may not be so lucky. The veil has been lifted. I always knew things were happening behind my back.   At one point you told me to “move on to my next victim” out of nowhere.  If that wasn’t projection, I don’t know what is.  I was your victim.  Your sick personal agenda to use up women for a boost of fake self esteem makes my skin crawl. I’ve fully accepted who I’ve been dealing with the last year of my life. 

You have always claimed that you love and care about me more than anything.  Where was that love and care when you put me in the firing line of accusations and blame again and again and again? All the while it was just a projection of your own behavior. I'm so angry that I  allowed you to treat me the ways you did and to be filling my head with thoughts of romance and a life together while you were just cheating on me.  I’m so angry that I took you back so many times. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do with myself.  I'm left drowning in so much pain. If I could take a piece of my heart and transfer it to you so you could feel a fraction of what I'm feeling…...

I want you to leave my thoughts. To leave my heart and the cells within me that you've infected for so long. I long for a day where I wake up and don't think about you anymore. But you see this is the problem. You're a toxic individual and I know I'm better off without you but I can't let you go. Because despite everything your good points always seem to outweigh your bad and all I can remember are the wonderful times we had. I am so so SO heartbroken and haunted by the fact that I do not, and will not know what was real or not. You got under my skin and bit by bit you've eaten away at me until there's near to nothing left. I'm a shell of the girl that you met. A ghost of someone who once could see a bright side in everything and the good in people. And now all I feel is emptiness and hollowness and I'm in a pit that I can't find my way out of.   Loving you was like pouring everything I had into a bottomless pit until I had nothing left to give.  I now see you for what and who you are.  A snake - a con man.  Nothing about you attracts me any longer.  I look at you and see a fraction of a man, a fragile ego maniac who cares for no one but himself.

[Turkish]

Did you send it?

[cm3557]

Did you send it?

No. Was thinking about it- but decided I'd be better off not.  That's why I posted it here.

[londons]

my dear friend,  thank you. my heart breaks for you as i know your pain so well.   i tried to print it so i could read it daily!  i am sending you a hug.  be safe, be smart, be lieve... .  that it will get better.  and i will do the same.  again, thank you for your sad, but beautiful letter.  you put into words what i feel in my heart.  9 years married to the man of my dreams... .  i asked him to spend some time out of the house so as to work on his decision making skills and emotional state. divorce or replacements were not options, in my mind.   i should not have done that, i guess, as he found another girl to love... .   how ironic that he blamed me for things i never did, and now that it is over, i am the one blaming myself.

[JQ]

Hello CM, 

I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through. I know exactly what how you feel because I've had the r/s with seriously mentally ill gf and have gone through what you have. I know the pain because I've felt it. I know the betrayal because I've lived it. I've lived through everything that you have describe as have many of us here in the group.  I'm here to tell you, to let you know, that even at it's darkest moment like where you are right now things will get better. YOU have to believe it will. Myself and others here are proof of that!

You have describe in your letter quite well what a lot of us have felt. I echo the question from Turkish, "Have you sent this letter yet".

I can tell you're a very loving, caring, and a very smart woman that has done so much for a BPD s/o. You describe BPD behavior very well, the master manipulator, the master projectionist, the person who has a VERY serious Cluster B Mental Illness. I know you're angry as all of us have been and THATS ok. I know the intense feelings of betrayal, the lies you've been subject to, the separation from your family & friends that he's so masterfully cut you from. Mine, and others here have experienced all of that. It's ok to feel the things you are feeling. "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt".  It's ok to grieve much like the death of a loved on, for me it helped me move forward in my own life. “Grief does not change you. It reveals you.”

You are an amazing woman!  You gave so much of yourself to someone who is mentally ill and who will never really appreciate the person you really are.  Now the MOST important of your ordeal is upon you.  YOU need to take care of YOU!  I would really recommend that you seek out a VERY good Therapist who has a lot of experience in BPD/NON or Codependent r/s. This really is the key to healing from your deep wounds from your BPD, the group will testify to it!       Come here to the group and talk to us, ask questions that you need to, that you want to.

You are at the start of journey of self discovery. Nothing but good can come from this, I promise.      I know you have so many things going on you have no idea who to turn to or what direction or what to ask. That's what the group is for.  On your journey you're going to stumble as we all have. Look behind you and you'll see us the group holding out a hand to pull you up.         We're going to dust you off, give you a big hug,        Then it's up to you the path you choose next. You can continue down the path your currently walking and see how that's going to continue to work out for you. Or you can choose the path to the right and see where that leads you too. Or you can just sit back down and do nothing.  But when you're on your path and you look down the path and see nothing ... .look again, we'll be here holding out the light at the end of the tunnel  letting you know that you're NOT alone and we're waiting for you on the other side.   

YOU have to take an active role in your recovery and some how I don't think that's going to be an issue.     Lets start with a few of the basics. First you need to burn off some stress and get some good endorphins running through your body. So get up a 1/2 hour before you normally do and get a mile walk in. It shouldn't take more then 15-20 minutes. Then make sure your eating right!  Stay away from junk food because nothing good comes from it.  Get your sense of humor back. Call up  an old friend you've lost touch with and get caught up. This is good for your soul & reconnecting with those who are important to you.  Next go out to a movie, a funny one.  Go have a cup of coffee, a glass of wine with one of your friends.  Get some sleep, REM sleep is soo important to healing your mind AND body for the stress and challenges of the next day. If you have problems doing that let us know, we know a few things from our own personal experiences.

Then keep coming here and venting, it's therapeutic in a way. You will learn things, you can share your experiences and the things you learn from therapy as most of us do.  YOU need to live your life & explore it!  YOU will heal!  Things WILL get better!  They always do!       

I'll leave you with this motivation video that a buddy sent to me when I was in my deepest darkest hole ... .I watched more than once everyday ... .still do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

This one I found on my own ... .I actually sent it to a Clinical Therapist friend of mine and she's now incorporated it into her therapy for codependents and others healing from a r/s that has gone bad.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k

Sometimes saying good-bye means a second chance ... .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbsDPbr8qoM

Someone in the group share this one with me ... .Welcome to the Grind ... .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzm6TEManmQ

YOU GOT THIS AND WE GOT YOUR BACK!   

[C.Stein]

CM,

This letter, with a few exceptions, is very close to what I experienced with my ex.  I completely understand where you are right now and I am so very sorry anyone has to feel this way.  The gutted and empty feeling you are left with is debilitating at best.  I too struggle to find myself again as I, much like you, was in a good place personally before I met my ex.  It is not so much that I lost myself though, it is more like the person I was got buried and I just don't care and don't have the energy to dig him out anymore.  It has been an excruciatingly painful process trying to find a way out of the darkness but I have made some progress and I know eventually I will get there, even if it seems like I never will at 9 months post trash bin.  

You have a good head on you shoulders and you can see where and why you are in the place where you are right now.  This is the beginning to the journey out of the darkness ... .your life-line to the light.  Keep believing in yourself and you will eventually leave that dark place behind you.