How can I help my daughter through this process?

[Noteliz]

My 23 year old daughter went into a treatment center last November and did 1 month of intensive DBT. It helped so much. When she got out she moved back in with us and found a DBT doctor here. She also does Mindfulness and Skills Training.

She found a full-time job, her first ever. She has done her DBT homework every night, and we've seen some incredible changes. We're so proud of her.

The problem is this: as soon as she started pulling herself together her boyfriend, who she was very serious about, broke up with her. He told her he loves her but he needed to break up. She can't understand this (who would) and asks why he would do this now, when she's making an effort, and not before when she was a "monster".

She has no friends, speaks to no one expect us at home or her collegues at work. She's young and needs to be having fun. I can see her depression build as each day passes.

She's starting to wonder why she's making an effort. It all seems for nothing, and that life was better before she got treatment.

What do I do to help her through this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

It could be that he was attracted to the "monster," or let's just say "wild child," and now that she is changing for the better, he's moving on. But who knows? Better to not say it exactly like that, of course, or she might relapse to keep him.

What do you say when she tells you this?

[Rockieplace]

It's so disappointing and worrying for you to have fate play a cruel hand to your daughter just at the point that she was making progress. It has happened to my d too at various points when we were starting to get a little hopeful.

Yet it is the sort of thing that happens to most young people at some time whether BPD or not. The timing is just so unfortunate For your d. I'm so sorry for you and don't have any answers.

There are lots of possible reasons for the guy doing this. He may have been waiting for your d to get a little stronger before breaking up with her and thought that she was in a better place to handle it. Who knows? 

On the few occasions I seemed to get it almost right with my d it was when I managed to convey to her that everyone would feel the same as her in the situation she is presented with and that her feelings were so so normal.

Bug hugs to you and good luck.

[Noteliz]

It could be that he was attracted to the "monster," or let's just say "wild child," and now that she is changing for the better, he's moving on. But who knows? Better to not say it exactly like that, of course, or she might relapse to keep him.

What do you say when she tells you this?

Good point. I have suggested that he is someone who feels more comfortable with strife, but I also said that if thet's the case, he's got a problem, not her. I told her he may have serious issues of his own that he wasn't able to share, and those problems may be affecting him now.

[Noteliz]

It's so disappointing and worrying for you to have fate play a cruel hand to your daughter just at the point that she was making progress. It has happened to my d too at various points when we were starting to get a little hopeful.

Yet it is the sort of thing that happens to most young people at some time whether BPD or not. The timing is just so unfortunate For your d. I'm so sorry for you and don't have any answers.

There are lots of possible reasons for the guy doing this. He may have been waiting for your d to get a little stronger before breaking up with her and thought that she was in a better place to handle it. Who knows? 

On the few occasions I seemed to get it almost right with my d it was when I managed to convey to her that everyone would feel the same as her in the situation she is presented with and that her feelings were so so normal.

*Bug hugs to you and good luck.

*How cute, "bug hugs" ;-)

Thanks, I have also thought of this scenario but I haven't said it outright to her. She's intelligent and I think she has probably thought of this.

I like what you said about saying that everyone would feel the same in her position, regardless of BPD or not. It's a good form of validation.

I think with BPDs their feeling are just so much more intense, though. I have had BPD episodes, especially when I was younger, and I remember the emotions around relationships. I'm so glad I've turned into stone at this point LOL It's a lot easier.

[bpdmom1]

Boyfriend break ups are so hard.  I had to sleep in my daughters room with her after her boyfriend broke up with her. 

Seems she needs to get involved in something.  Does she like sports, yoga, dancing, theatre etc.  My daughter always does better when she is involved in social activities.  She was very active in track and basketball.  It was a big stress reliever for her.  I've thought about getting her involved in improv classes through the city as I've heard they have so much fun.  The RTC my daughter attends provides yoga, dance etc.  She really enjoys yoga and was thrilled when they did community service to help feed the homeless.

[Noteliz]

Boyfriend break ups are so hard.  I had to sleep in my daughters room with her after her boyfriend broke up with her. 

Seems she needs to get involved in something.  Does she like sports, yoga, dancing, theatre etc.  My daughter always does better when she is involved in social activities.  She was very active in track and basketball.  It was a big stress reliever for her.  I've thought about getting her involved in improv classes through the city as I've heard they have so much fun.  The RTC my daughter attends provides yoga, dance etc.  She really enjoys yoga and was thrilled when they did community service to help feed the homeless.

Unfortunately here in Italy in my town not many things like this are offered. She has a gym membership and she used to go every day but she has started working a full time job which is physically demanding. She went from two years of sitting around, smoking pot and playing video games to working, overnight practically, and she's trying to adjust.

I'm happy to see that she's planning a trip along the French and Spanish coasts this July with two friends. Her job is only a 3 month contract so she'll need something to do when she finishes.

Her despair about her boyfriend is turning into anger towards him (rightly so IMO) which is probably healthy. I'd be more worried if she contiued feeling sad.

I can't relate because every time someone broke up with me (like, a lot of times) I closed off, shut down, emotionally. I don't know what it feels like to grieve like that.

[Lollypop]

Hi noteliz

youve said your daughter doesn't have any friends. That's quite a heavy responsibility for a boyfriend to have. When my BPDs25 GF ended her relationship with him she told me "I had no choice, he would have consumed me". i think your daughters BF was walking on eggshells and the moment he thought he could exit safely he did so. My Bpds split and turned it to "she will never meet anybody like me EVER, it's her loss".

There's always going to be something to upset the apple cart. This is normal life. I really understand though that this is a biggy and the timing may seem to be off. But another way of looking at it is that her whole focus is currently on herself, she's trying really hard and with him out of the picture she may progress even faster.  It's so easy to say it's for the best if he wasn't 100 percent behind her but any breakup is very hard. I would be very worried too.  Hopefully She'll learn that she's stronger than she thinks. Loneliness is a problem though. My mum booked an art evening course for me which helped me when I had no friends.

Can I ask where your daughter had her intensive DBT?

L