How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The inverse power of praise.

[Turkish]

My Ex is always calling the kids "geniuses," and it drives me nuts.

www.nymag.com/news/features/27840/

When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short.

But a growing body of research—and a new study from the trenches of the New York public-school system—strongly suggests it might be the other way around. Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.

The kids' mom wanted to skip S6 ahead to 1st grade. At the beginning of the school year, she wanted for then D3 to skip preschool and go directly into pre-K, despite only knowing her numbers up to ten (she did know the alphabet, but not sounds).

I think overcompensating like this says more about the parent than the child.

[Ulysses]

Yes, I agree that it says a lot about the parent.  Some parents want to show-off their child's gifts.  My exH was like this, but I don't know if it is related to a pd.

My S13 is classified as highly gifted.   He also has asynchronous development and some things are difficult for him, that are easy for others.  Many parents at his old school told me I was lucky he is so smart, that everything will be easy.  They never saw the times that were frustrating for my son, that would bring him to tears (ok, screaming tantrums), that their kids wouldn't think twice about being able to do.

One factor that led me to changing to a private school for highly capable children was that parents would say in front of my S, from a very young age, "He's really smart!"  Or, "he's a genius!"  I was concerned he would grow up warped if he heard that so frequently.  Intelligence is only one of many factors in a person's life.  I was never quite sure how to respond in a way that left my son feeling valued but not entitled.  Now he's in an environment where he fits in and is known for many of his attributes, not just intelligence.

[Turkish]

My S13 is classified as highly gifted.   He also has asynchronous development and some things are difficult for him, that are easy for others.  Many parents at his old school told me I was lucky he is so smart, that everything will be easy.  They never saw the times that were frustrating for my son, that would bring him to tears (ok, screaming tantrums), that their kids wouldn't think twice about being able to do.

But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. In fact, Thomas’s father noticed just the opposite. “Thomas didn’t want to try things he wouldn’t be successful at,” his father says. “Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn’t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, ‘I’m not good at this.’ ” With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into two—things he was naturally good at and things he wasn’t.

This applies to me, and it's sad that I still struggle with this in middle age (since it's 20 more years until I can retire, 26 years into my career already). BPD mother was no help back in the day, and though I'm responsible for myself, maybe those    are still there.

[Ulysses]

Turkish, I think upbringing plays a role in this.  Thank goodness we have so many resources, even as adults. 

Have you read anything by Carol Dweck?  She has a book about what she calls the "growth mindset."  Useful stuff.  I read it as an adult and found many ideas in it that had been expressed to me by my parents and teachers, and were good reminders during my divorce.  Sinichi Suzuki also had some good thoughts on talent vs. effort, and children and parents.  His books are somewhat awkwardly translated/written, but the meaning is clear.  One in particular, "Nurtured by Love," I found helpful to read when my children were younger.

[scraps66]

My S11 suffers from this pressure, this parentification from his uNPDBPD mother.  I am now just putting this all together, but over years she has taken control over his activities to almost "make" this child into what she wants, an aspergers' level intelligent child who has an interest in music, reading and cooking.  Things well beyond his years.  On the other hand she scoffs at the thought that some of his diagnoses have been ODD< anxiety disorder and disruptive behavior disorder.  In my experience these are more like his real behavior.

[Turkish]

Carol Dweck is the researcher whose work the article focuses upon. I have a feeling this may not go away. I'll look into her book.

scraps66: I read through your thread about the Dx and your Ex's tendencies. That sounds more severe, but it's familiar. Then again, our son's 5 years younger, so there's time for things here to get weirder.

S6 loves my tablet. He was reading a Dr. Suess story. He got bored with playing inside, saw I was reading a book (I'm reviewing something for the site), and asked to use it. We went outside and sat together for a while. His mom came out, which is fine, and I left to take a call. She read with him on her lap for a while. He kept reading for over an hour. When they went inside, he was reading with his aunt. My Ex lamented, "oh, so you don't want to read with me anymore, huh, but her?" Waif.

In any case, S6 is sharp. He loves reading and he's really into the Dr. Suess book apps on the tablet, which I've had for 3 years, but now that he's reading more, he's more into them, asking and telling me definitions of words. Can he just be who he is and encourage it? The incessant gushing is so saccharine it's sickening.

As she and her H were leaving, I was sitting on the other side of our son and his aunt. My Ex came up to say goodbye, calling him her "champion" and "genius." I know it was Mother's Day, but I wanted to tell her to knock it off. The gushing is embarrassing. I did refuse a hug she wanted, after which she slapped my arm... ."playfully." The funny thing is that we got there first. I was eating and the H/Step-dad sat down at the table to say high. He commented right away how calm the kids were, almost wistfully, or maybe amazed. They must really be out of control at the other house. I can imagine them being a little more rambunctious, but this is the second or third time he's said this. I hardly see him or talk to him. I'm not sure if he's asking me a question... .? Is it that bad over there? Maybe I'll pass him a copy of The Lord of the Flies for Christmas. D4 was climbing on his back and my Ex told our daughter to stop doing that. Huh? Was it embarrassing to her?  I feel like saying something mean like, "you only wish your dad played with you like that when you were a little girl. Why don't you let your daughter be a little girl?"