To divorce, or not to divorce?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post. I have been married to hubby for 10 years. He has always been misdiagnosed with depression, anxiety etc but he never felt the diagnosis correct. We have separated several times as his difficult behaviour has made our relationship difficult and I have struggled to cope. He has never had any friends, he had a six year period of no contact with his family after a feud, and over the years has fallen out with various acquaintances. During a separation in 2014, he was finally diagnosed with BPD. We got back together and he takes medication which has controlled some of his symptoms (e.g ridiculously high sex drive, clingyness etc). Things have improved, however, he recently changed jobs from self employed taxi driver to employee and it's all gone wrong! He has proceeded to loose THREE jobs this year either through being sacked because of confrontations, or just walking out. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I have consulted a solicitor about divorce, but it doesn't feel quite right. How do you know when to call time on a marriage with a BPD spouse? I am starting to get ill with the strain of the whole situation and literally have no idea what to do. Any thoughts from those in a similar situation would be much appreciated x

[Elaine38]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post. I have been married to hubby for 10 years. He has always been misdiagnosed with depression, anxiety etc but he never felt the diagnosis correct. We have separated several times as his difficult behaviour has made our relationship difficult and I have struggled to cope. He has never had any friends, he had a six year period of no contact with his family after a feud, and over the years has fallen out with various acquaintances. During a separation in 2014, he was finally diagnosed with BPD. We got back together and he takes medication which has controlled some of his symptoms (e.g ridiculously high sex drive, clingyness etc). Things have improved, however, he recently changed jobs from self employed taxi driver to employee and it's all gone wrong! He has proceeded to loose THREE jobs this year either through being sacked because of confrontations, or just walking out. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I have consulted a solicitor about divorce, but it doesn't feel quite right. How do you know when to call time on a marriage with a BPD spouse? I am starting to get ill with the strain of the whole situation and literally have no idea what to do. Any thoughts from those in a similar situation would be much appreciated x

[Notwendy]

Hi Elaine, and welcome to this board.

I don't think ( and I think you know this too) that there is a set way to know to divorce or not. I think every relationship between two people is different. Some people tolerate things in their relationships that I would not. I believe there are people who would not tolerate things I do.

However, I have learned along the way some ideas that I believe are universally true. One of them is that we choose partners who match us emotionally in ways and so, it takes two to have a dysfunctional relationship. One thing I have read is that, if we end a relationship without personal insight and growth, we have a tendency to attract a person with whom we will have similar dysfunction. Well that was an eye opener. In some cases, divorce is the right decision, but even so, it is not done without trauma and financial costs.

Divorce also takes time. So it makes sense to try to reduce the conflict, do some self work, learn better relationship skills no matter what the outcome. The lessons on this board can help with that. Although you have set up an appointment with a lawyer, it doesn't mean you have to make a decision now. Gaining information about the process, laws, finances involved might help you be more aware of the process if you do decide.

I think in general, it may not be good to be "undecided" for a very long time, but something like a divorce is a big step to take, and something to take time to think about.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Elaine38, Welcome!  I concur w/Notwendy that there's no hard and fast rule about when to throw in the towel in any marriage, much less a marriage to a pwBPD.  It's one of those things that you just know in your heart when you get there.  I don't know how else to put it, and obviously we can't make that determination for you.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and figure out the right path for YOU.

LuckyJim