Who do you see when you look at your ex?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Thinking

I am lost when I think about my exgf

I have been in a few close relationships and married once and when I think about those relationships I still see the same person if not maturing as most people do in life.

When I think about or look at pictures of my exgf I am lost for any ideas as to who she is or was.

I keep trying to define her so I have something to grasp but it's like grasping water, impossible.

I believe this fact is the cause of most of my fear, how could I allow a ghost, a vapor an illusion, a marage into my life and love it and sacrifice so much for nothing more than a nightmare.

This scares me because it shows how vulnerable I really was and just how much I could have lost.

I basically turned over most of my control to someone who's extremely mentally ill. What's next? Someone wake me up

The definition of insanity: doing tuhe same thing over and over and expecting different results.

A joke:

Man walking through a park and hears someone saying ouch, repeatedly. Walks toward the voice and watches and old man sitting on a bench with a large rock. The old man smashing the rock onto his thumb then cries out "OUCH". The man walks over and asks the old man why he continues to pound his thumb with the rock.

The old man says "because it feels so good when I quit"

[JerryRG]

Thinking

I am lost when I think about my exgf

I have been in a few close relationships and married once and when I think about those relationships I still see the same person if not maturing as most people do in life.

When I think about or look at pictures of my exgf I am lost for any ideas as to who she is or was.

I keep trying to define her so I have something to grasp but it's like grasping water, impossible.

I believe this fact is the cause of most of my fear, how could I allow a ghost, a vapor an illusion, a marage into my life and love it and sacrifice so much for nothing more than a nightmare.

This scares me because it shows how vulnerable I really was and just how much I could have lost.

I basically turned over most of my control to someone who's extremely mentally ill. What's next? Someone wake me up

The definition of insanity: doing tuhe same thing over and over and expecting different results.

A joke:

Man walking through a park and hears someone saying ouch, repeatedly. Walks toward the voice and watches and old man sitting on a bench with a large rock. The old man smashing the rock onto his thumb then cries out "OUCH". The man walks over and asks the old man why he continues to pound his thumb with the rock.

The old man says "because it feels so good when I quit"

[bus boy]

Hi JerryRG,

  I know those feelings big time. A non trying to define someone with a PD is like trying to grasp eels, there is nothing to grasp, they are what they are. My T let me stay in the trying to grasp, trying to fit into my brain why ex BPD did or does what she does. When my T saw I was getting in a stronger mental state she got deeper. Baby steps I guess. My T has to use a firm hand more than once to nudge me bc she saw my progress but I didn't. My T talked about " the why's and ownership" but it was right over my head. When at last I grasped onto not taking ownership and not asking why, was a major moving on moment for me.

I don't think anything of my ex. My heart use to melt when I saw her. I was crushed when she found a BF. When I see her now, I see nothing. I came across some pics of her and threw them out. Soon as you loose your ex, you will find your self. Take the control back. I was in FOG for so long, everything was in T was over my head but my T kept at me, kept telling me when I get it, I will know it, it will be a huge moment and she was right. I was wasting great energy trying to figure out someone who can't be figured out.

[sweet tooth]

I see a beautifully flawed person with a mental illness. Somebody I loved deeply and still care about, even though logically I shouldn't. I see a person with a lot of potential who will never realize it because of a tragic illness. I see an ideal future that could have been if circumstances were different and the contrary future that will be. I see tragedy and sadness.

I still miss her deeply.

[HarleypsychRN]

I see a beautifully flawed person with a mental illness. Somebody I loved deeply and still care about, even though logically I shouldn't. I see a person with a lot of potential who will never realize it because of a tragic illness. I see an ideal future that could have been if circumstances were different and the contrary future that will be. I see tragedy and sadness.

I still miss her deeply.

I see a very toxic individual who I called out and was lucky enough to escape from before she could get her hooks any deeper into me... .

I see a narcissistic, cluster B individual who has pathology so deeply rooted she'll never recover... .

I see a beautiful beguiling woman who turned on me so quickly when all I wanted was her happiness, even at my own expense

I see a pathological liar... .

I see someone unable and unwilling to tell me the truth... .

I see a magnificent actress... .

I see someone who totally lacked empathy... .

I see someone who leaves a path of destruction wherever she goes... .

I see a man eater... .

I see a controlling individual... .

I see a gaslighter... .

I see someone I begged to go to therapy and rejected it...

I see a broken individual... .

I see someone who I am lucky to have out of my life... .

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[JerryRG]

Well said HarleypsychRN

Thank you for restoring the reality of pwBPD or my exgf, she displayed each one of these traits. How soon I forget, I think I tried to see a princess when the reality was she wants to remain a toad.

Never could wrap my mind around this but I couldn't change her.

Too broken

[Icanteven]

I see a beautifully flawed person with a mental illness. Somebody I loved deeply and still care about, even though logically I shouldn't. I see a person with a lot of potential who will never realize it because of a tragic illness. I see an ideal future that could have been if circumstances were different and the contrary future that will be. I see tragedy and sadness.

I still miss her deeply.

Nailed it.  This gorgeous woman, who I spent the happiest times of my life with, is now on a path to who knows what.  I look at her and think, if she really does get better, she will go on to lead an amazing life with someone else while leaving her family behind.  If she doesn't, she's still got a family she's left behind.  And the worst part:  she doesn't seem to care.

[HarleypsychRN]

Well said HarleypsychRN

Thank you for restoring the reality of pwBPD or my exgf, she displayed each one of these traits. How soon I forget, I think I tried to see a princess when the reality was she wants to remain a toad.

Never could wrap my mind around this but I couldn't change her.

Too broken

You are never too broken as long as you are breathing Jerry... .you WILL recover man. Remember NO CONTACT is the only way to go.

[AwakenedOne]

I think it is far easier and more productive to come to an understanding of who they are not rather than who they are.

[bus boy]

You nailed it HarleypsychRN. Word for word. My ex to a tee.

[HurtinNW]

I see a man lost inside himself

I see a man who cannot confront his mistakes, and as a result, they have turned into huge problems

I see a little hurting boy hiding behind a big, angry man

I see all that potential gone to waste

I see someone who will probably never confront his demons

I see someone who blames me

I see a man who could have been extraordinary

I see a man who could have loved and been loved

I see a mean person

I see a cruel person

I see his hands, his eyes—all that confusion in there, hidden behind a fake exterior

I see someone who only feels safe when he is angry

I see someone frightened deeply of intimacy

I see someone terrified of connection

I see a man who is punishing himself for reasons he cannot acknowledge

I see someone without empathy and, most likely, even a conscience

I see a drowning man who refusing every life raft thrown at him

I see someone I still care about and love.

[once removed]

truth be told, im more cynical about my ex than i sometimes let on. i do not hold a special place in my heart for her. there is no trace of the feelings i once felt. i dont have a long list of her amazing qualities. however it does me no good to deny the place she once held, or to pretend that my feelings now are my "true" feelings, as opposed to the ones i once felt.

what hasnt changed, and will never change, is the compassion that i do feel for her. i see a deeply hurt and angry child who never deserved the pain that she endured. i see the child that was cruelly denied the love of her father, who she wanted nothing more than to spend time with, who, when she would see him, would try to hug and kiss him, only for him to reject it, wipe it off, and say yuck. it makes me angry to think about; not so much in a personal way, that he did that to someone i loved. but in the (i say this as someone who for the most part doesnt even like kids) how could anyone do that to their beautiful child kind of way.

i see the child that learned, and was taught, very dysfunctional ways in which to survive, and attempt to find what she so desperately desires, but may never be able to sustain.

i see the child that was abused, never appreciated, and never given a fair chance to develop what i have little doubt would be a very long list of amazing qualities.

i see a wounded child that i hope may one day love herself.

[JerryRG]

I was abused, emotionally, verbally and sexually and I do not act like my exgf, her life wasn't easy but most of her issues were of her own creation.

She had a wonderful husband, she had me, she has a beautiful son who she throws around like a rag doll.

I will feel sorry for her when she stops the hate filled torrent her life has become and when she decides to stop destroying souls.

She laughs when other people suffer, she's truly evil and everyone in her life has been touched by it.

My exgf may be unique but there isn't one ounce of love or compassion in her let alone empathy. She is stone cold dead.

[MapleBob]

I used to see beauty and sweetness, now I just kind of see red.

[VeraTrue]

I cleaned out my phone the other day, and let me tell you. I see a liar with fangs. She has these big innocent eyes... .but she's a hunter through and through. She uses herself as bait, she is her own decoy.
She pet-named me after the victim in her favorite horror story. I didn't realize that until a few days ago when I stumbled upon across it on the internet. All I could do was laugh and roll my eyes. And she named herself after the monster in another favorite story as she was discarding me and tricking another group of people into accepting and loving her, painting me black to them while simultaneously asking for more commitment from me. She has another gf now and I feel so sorry for that poor girl, because I think she's on the slow, long-term plan. (My ex has a pattern of either taking a few months or a few years to eat someone alive and then attempt to back-burner them in case she gets hungry later. (I didn't allow that.) I see the black widow web-spinning behind her innocent, happy act. And I'm so glad I was on the fast track, she only took several months, and she's far far behind me.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I see a very pathetic man and a lot of wasted potential.  He and his brother's life is akin to what would happen if parents died and five-year-olds were left to inherit everything.  He is in the middle of his life and has accomplished very little in terms of a career, preferring his freedom.  He is a very intelligent person but very unwise.  His decisions are emotionally rather than logically driven.  He is paranoid and narcissistic.  I do not see a happy future for him.

[love4meNOTu]

Gosh, I don't see anything.

That person doesn't really exist. It was manufactured to be the dash ing hero, but was in fact, very afraid of being abandoned.

Too many false masks, he just invents new ones every time he has to start over with a new victim.

[Fr4nz]

I see a beautifully flawed person with a mental illness. Somebody I loved deeply and still care about, even though logically I shouldn't. I see a person with a lot of potential who will never realize it because of a tragic illness. I see an ideal future that could have been if circumstances were different and the contrary future that will be. I see tragedy and sadness.

I still miss her deeply.

^^ I can relate.

Though, I have also to say that my ex transformed - at least externally - to a quite different person after the breakup... .cold, quite mean, shallow and lack of empathy, with respect to some horrible actions she did, are the major highlights.

All in all, we have to accept that our exes are complex entities due to the disorder.

[Herodias]

A childish, manipulating, insecure, lying, abusive, alcoholic , addict who constantly needs attention that he feels he did not get from his Mother. If he would only stop all of those behaviors he would get it! It's an endless cycle of psychological turmoil. I see a non empathetic, blank shell of a person who feeds off of other people to try to fit in to society. I see evil and deceit.