She came back.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm sure everyone is wondering how it went and I'll start by saying it went well. Getting an apology was honestly the best feeling ever, but then being told she regretted it all was very nice. I never expected it. I'll start with saying things are strictly platonic. She doesn't make inappropriate comments or even ask how I feel about her. It's fine. I told her about BPD and she said she thinks she does have it, and wants to work on helping herself and doing more therapy. She hit rock bottom and I was(for all of our relationship) the only person she talked to about her mental health issues and problems. Not saying that puts me on some sort of pedestal, because in the end she did what a lot of BPD people do to their relationships. If you've followed my story then you know most of what went on between us. Right now we're focusing on her mental health and I'm just allowing her to vent. I asked if I was just a fill in until she found someone new to talk to, but she maintains that is not the case because she doesn't let anyone in like she does with me. Which, I'll admit is true. 

No, I have no plans of getting back with her. She broke my heart and did some really messed up things and I'm still healing from it. But I'm fine having LC with her and letting her vent about her life/problems and and being there for her. That's the type of person I am. People come to me with their problems and I listen. If any of it ever interferes with my healing then I'll cut it off, but I actually feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest now that I got my closure on it and have informed her and educated her about BPD. We also talked about her splitting, which she agreed she does and I showed her some DBT stuff.

[5tarla]

I'm sure everyone is wondering how it went and I'll start by saying it went well. Getting an apology was honestly the best feeling ever, but then being told she regretted it all was very nice. I never expected it. I'll start with saying things are strictly platonic. She doesn't make inappropriate comments or even ask how I feel about her. It's fine. I told her about BPD and she said she thinks she does have it, and wants to work on helping herself and doing more therapy. She hit rock bottom and I was(for all of our relationship) the only person she talked to about her mental health issues and problems. Not saying that puts me on some sort of pedestal, because in the end she did what a lot of BPD people do to their relationships. If you've followed my story then you know most of what went on between us. Right now we're focusing on her mental health and I'm just allowing her to vent. I asked if I was just a fill in until she found someone new to talk to, but she maintains that is not the case because she doesn't let anyone in like she does with me. Which, I'll admit is true. 

No, I have no plans of getting back with her. She broke my heart and did some really messed up things and I'm still healing from it. But I'm fine having LC with her and letting her vent about her life/problems and and being there for her. That's the type of person I am. People come to me with their problems and I listen. If any of it ever interferes with my healing then I'll cut it off, but I actually feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest now that I got my closure on it and have informed her and educated her about BPD. We also talked about her splitting, which she agreed she does and I showed her some DBT stuff.

[hope2727]

Wow. Keep us posted.

[5tarla]

Wow. Keep us posted.

I will.

[sweet tooth]

I'm sure everyone is wondering how it went and I'll start by saying it went well. Getting an apology was honestly the best feeling ever, but then being told she regretted it all was very nice. I never expected it. I'll start with saying things are strictly platonic. She doesn't make inappropriate comments or even ask how I feel about her. It's fine. I told her about BPD and she said she thinks she does have it, and wants to work on helping herself and doing more therapy. She hit rock bottom and I was(for all of our relationship) the only person she talked to about her mental health issues and problems. Not saying that puts me on some sort of pedestal, because in the end she did what a lot of BPD people do to their relationships. If you've followed my story then you know most of what went on between us. Right now we're focusing on her mental health and I'm just allowing her to vent. I asked if I was just a fill in until she found someone new to talk to, but she maintains that is not the case because she doesn't let anyone in like she does with me. Which, I'll admit is true. 

No, I have no plans of getting back with her. She broke my heart and did some really messed up things and I'm still healing from it. But I'm fine having LC with her and letting her vent about her life/problems and and being there for her. That's the type of person I am. People come to me with their problems and I listen. If any of it ever interferes with my healing then I'll cut it off, but I actually feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest now that I got my closure on it and have informed her and educated her about BPD. We also talked about her splitting, which she agreed she does and I showed her some DBT stuff.

I'm really happy for you. I wish this would happen to me. I would feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

[5tarla]

I'm sure everyone is wondering how it went and I'll start by saying it went well. Getting an apology was honestly the best feeling ever, but then being told she regretted it all was very nice. I never expected it. I'll start with saying things are strictly platonic. She doesn't make inappropriate comments or even ask how I feel about her. It's fine. I told her about BPD and she said she thinks she does have it, and wants to work on helping herself and doing more therapy. She hit rock bottom and I was(for all of our relationship) the only person she talked to about her mental health issues and problems. Not saying that puts me on some sort of pedestal, because in the end she did what a lot of BPD people do to their relationships. If you've followed my story then you know most of what went on between us. Right now we're focusing on her mental health and I'm just allowing her to vent. I asked if I was just a fill in until she found someone new to talk to, but she maintains that is not the case because she doesn't let anyone in like she does with me. Which, I'll admit is true. 

No, I have no plans of getting back with her. She broke my heart and did some really messed up things and I'm still healing from it. But I'm fine having LC with her and letting her vent about her life/problems and and being there for her. That's the type of person I am. People come to me with their problems and I listen. If any of it ever interferes with my healing then I'll cut it off, but I actually feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest now that I got my closure on it and have informed her and educated her about BPD. We also talked about her splitting, which she agreed she does and I showed her some DBT stuff.

I'm really happy for you. I wish this would happen to me. I would feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

It could happen to you too. I hope you get the closure you deserve. For a long time I had to make my own closure with learning about BPD, but it never felt good enough.

[sweet tooth]

I hope so, too. I'd enjoy it very much if she were still in my life and we were on friendly terms. I think it would make me feel a lot better.

[5tarla]

I hope so, too. I'd enjoy it very much if she were still in my life and we were on friendly terms. I think it would make me feel a lot better.

How long have you two been apart? And do you know if she has a replacement or something? I think if they are seeing someone it makes all the difference in the world. My ex is triggered by being alone because then she is alone with her thoughts and thinking of all the negative stuff she has done. Problem is, a lot of people with BPD avoid being alone it seems so they never really have to stop and think about everything. :/

[sweet tooth]

I hope so, too. I'd enjoy it very much if she were still in my life and we were on friendly terms. I think it would make me feel a lot better.

How long have you two been apart? And do you know if she has a replacement or something? I think if they are seeing someone it makes all the difference in the world. My ex is triggered by being alone because then she is alone with her thoughts and thinking of all the negative stuff she has done. Problem is, a lot of people with BPD avoid being alone it seems so they never really have to stop and think about everything. :/

I was officially discarded March 1st. I haven't heard a peep beyond LinkedIn monitoring. I don't know if there is a replacement. We have mutual acquaintances but I rarely see them. I also decided not to talk to them about it because I don't want to create drama. She deactivated her Facebook, so I have no way of knowing.

[Kinglychee1928]

Good for you! I got discarded on March 2nd and for the first time he came to me in person and apologized this past Monday. I accepted the apology and that was it. Still remain NC. I hope one day I'm strong enough like you to set boundaries and limit for myself so I can handle having a LC relationship with him. It did feel good to hear an apology like you said, but since I work with my pwBPD, I think if I start being warm and friendly again will get me into being recycle quick. I'm trying my best to not get recycle and also trying to see if there's a way to just support without being getting sucked in again, like what you are doing. Please keep us posted! Best of luck to you and stay strong

[Invictus01]

I am in the same boat. Now, it took me a long a$$ while to get to that boat (as in... .over a year or so) but I got there.

[Stripey77]

I am also in a position right now of being on friendly terms after 5-6 months of total and pure hell and silent treatment. I feel like a new woman. It sure is a far better place to be in.  No one wants to be on acrimonious terms with someone they loved/love.

[sweet tooth]

I am also in a position right now of being on friendly terms after 5-6 months of total and pure hell and silent treatment. I feel like a new woman. It sure is a far better place to be in.  No one wants to be on acrimonious terms with someone they loved/love.

How did the communication come about?

[5tarla]

I am also in a position right now of being on friendly terms after 5-6 months of total and pure hell and silent treatment. I feel like a new woman. It sure is a far better place to be in.  No one wants to be on acrimonious terms with someone they loved/love.

I agree. We both talked about our dating lives and there were no hard feelings or awkwardness. It's not a level of indifference as much as an understanding of everything that happened. I remember reading your story, Stripey so I'm very happy that the ST ended for you.

[Stripey77]

Hi guys... .the ST ended on a night out when we saw each other and a mutual friend, who didn't know who we were to each other, tried to introduce us.   It was a complete knife edge moment but I guess he was ready to break the spell... .which is the only way I can describe it.  What ensued was an intense, almost violent, and epic conversation, emotionally charged and full of hurt, anger and attraction on both sides.  By God we aired a lot of stuff. I've had an epic week and a half since then and have actually seen him 3 times. There has a been a great deal of talking, and more.  I do fully understand the part I played in some of this. Something very important I must point out, regarding those of us with UN BPDex's... .at least with me- the BPD is only my suspicion, not proven. I am not medically qualified, although friends I know who do work in mental health have pretty much corroborated my theory, but it's still not 100%. After having talked to him at length now, I absolutely know that something IS wrong, not least of all because he said so himself. He has tried to tell me before. The night he started talking to me, he described it as 'a darkness' that took over him and made him push me away. He said the problem is in his brain, and there's no guilt on my part. This is possibly the most honest and raw thing he's ever said to me. He knows. He is incredibly intelligent and I don't think he knows why he does/says the things he does, only that it's not right.

Things have happened between us that led up to this and as I said, I take responsibility for the part I played in his distress. He was angry and still traumatised by things and wanted to vent his frustrations with me, over and over and over again. And the next time I saw him too. But he vacillated between trying to tell me he hates me and that I'd deleted from his life/that I'm a ghost... .with admitting to me that he and I have a connection on every level, that he still loves me and there is a huge attraction between us. He's angry with me but it's really an excuse, because it's clear as day that the person he really hates is himself. He tells me he doesn't deserve me and am I sure I still love him... .that everything is wrong with him. Basically nothing I haven't heard before or suspected but now I've heard it from him directly. One thing is for sure, after 5-6 months of ST it has become quite clear that he cannot stay away from me, despite telling me that I am persona non grata. It seems that the gap has been plugged all of this time with copious amounts of alcohol... .and head burying.  

In essence, I think that my ex has TRAITS of BPD, if that makes sense. I don't think he is... .fully blown? He certainly doesn't fit all of the criteria which is why I couldn't believe it for so long. He knows there's something wrong, but he doesn't know what it is and tried to self medicate with booze and being a bit of lad, and pushing away someone who loves him so much/he has such a connection with, it frightens the life out of him.

He sees me and he's attracted. He wants me and there are serious feelings involved. But then the 'darkness' is allowed more space in his brain. He's fighting with himself. But all of this ST period, I said, I'm going to sweat him out. I'm not running after him, begging, pleading. I let my heart break at home and in private. In public I reflected his silence and ignoring. The biggest act of my life. Because I'm dealing with a control freak who likes to have the upper hand, I had to break him by ignoring him lashing out. I sat back and watched in amazement as he found yet more ways to block me, but not once gave a reaction.  I suspected all of this time that in the longer run, it would pay off, because I think he's had people running after him before, people he didn't even have feelings like this for. I was determined, even if it meant being the sacrificial lamb, to show him that this kind of behaviour doesn't reap rewards and have people running after you. A woman of value like me, will just crack on with her life (in appearance, even if not in my heart) I told him, I'm a lot stronger than you think (on the night he started talking to me.)  

I also said to him "I know you". Despite all his efforts to push me away, he said "I know".  

I am not saying for a minute that this can't happen again. He's away on holiday now, for all I know, he could come back and cut me dead, but I doubt it. I don't believe, whether we become friends, get back together, or not, that we will ever be in such a dark, dark place as these last months. For the very fact that having done his worst, his very worst to me, he has shown without doubt, that basically, he can't hate me and he doesn't really want to 'delete' me from his life. I am still blocked and deleted on everything,   but I have also had that man holding my hand just a few days ago, admit that he's missed me, and making it very clear that there hasn't been anyone else since me. I believe him.  I've been to his house and ALL of my things are still there, all over the place. So, not in a black rubbish bag then as you might do had you deleted someone from your life... .right?

I also took the opportunity, when he first talked to me, to tell him that whatever happens now, he needs to know, even if we never speak again, that he is the love of my life. That I know there's something wrong but that I love him in spite of it. That I never went anywhere and that no amount of blocking, deleting or ignoring, can change how I feel, because he can't control other people's feelings, however hard he tries.

That, to me, is as close to closure as I think I'll ever get with him. He is damaged, and he is hard work, but in a really weird way, I think I understand him now better than ever before, not least of all due to this forum. He is swinging between trying to hate me but keeping me close, and  who knows what is going to happen when he returns. I've heard nothing since he left, but that's because he's probably still processing it, and trying to play it cool.  I'm not staying on this merry go round forever, I just can't do that to myself.  He's put himself in a very difficult position because, to his immediate friendship group here, he has made it crystal clear that I am public enemy no.1. Even if he wants me back with all his heart, that would mean facing up to them and admitting how he really feels for me, and that we're talking again. That requires serious backbone and humility, and I don't know if he can do that. As a result, he kept calling me 'stupid girl' and saying why did I have to ruin everything? Conveniently forgetting that he had already left me, twice. I guess the intention had been to come back,  but then I made it impossible with the 'terrible thing' I did. The loss of face was huge... .and yet, not so huge, that he can stay away for good it seems.  The next move is up to him. If he doesn't want the job of being my partner, (because there's a healthy dose of commitment phobia woven into all of this too) then he'll have to let me go and find that with someone else.  

Now, I don't think he'll be able to handle that scenario one little bit, neither is it what I want at ALL. I have never felt like this for anyone. But if that is what I have to do, at least it will be with the absolute certainty on my part that I really, really tried. And that even with his injured brain (his words) ... .he loves me.

[once removed]

for those reengaging, i strongly encourage you to consider posting and reading on the Improving board, and especially learning the lessons there. the skills and tools taught will be invaluable to improving your relationship (even if it remains at a friendship level), or for that matter, all of your relationships of all kinds.

Improving Board 

the lessons are at the top of the thread list, and to the far right of the board.

[Stripey77]

Thanks, will do... .it's all been rather a lot to take in, in a very short space of time.

I can't speak for anyone else, but as I said, I approach this completely in the knowledge that I *might* be given very short shrift again next time we cross paths. It's impossible to say. So really, in theory I have a foot in each board I suppose... .this one, and the one you've suggested.

[sweet tooth]

Thanks, will do... .it's all been rather a lot to take in, in a very short space of time.

I can't speak for anyone else, but as I said, I approach this completely in the knowledge that I *might* be given very short shrift again next time we cross paths. It's impossible to say. So really, in theory I have a foot in each board I suppose... .this one, and the one you've suggested.

That's the way I feel. She was so damn indecisive I feel like she could attempt a re-engagement as soon as I detach... .which is what happened in the beginning... .

[Stripey77]

I don't think he's indecisive per se, he sticks to his decisions for quite some time as well! More, the way I would describe it is that he is in turmoil when it comes to me. That really is the bottom line. He's trying to hate me. He's tried to make me hate him. He has big feelings for me, but an equally big darkness. He's tried to push me away, and I go, but I don't disappear off the face of the earth... .and he ends up being drawn back to me. I am for the most part, the consistent and steady factor in all of this. Expending energy into hating someone you know loves you must be emotionally exhausting, and I think I finally let him tire himself out. But he's still trying to exert some kind of control over the situation telling me when he left that 'maybe' he'll message me. For goodness sake! So here I sit in potential limbo yet again, except I am keeping myself extremely busy, safe in the knowledge that at some point, he'll want to talk to me again. My mind has always been clear about him, my feelings never wavered. What might look to you like indecisiveness, I think is far more an outward expression of the turmoil going on within.