Hard time

[Sunfl0wer]

I am really in a difficult place atm, I honestly do not know where to begin.

I feel very stuck.

My thoughts are odd.  Confused.

[purekalm]

Hey Sunfl0wer, 

I may not have the best advice, but when I find myself feeling that way I like to write it down to get it out of my head. Whether it's here, paper, a computer, whatever you choose.

Maybe after you've written some of it down you'll see where you might want to begin with how you're feeling. To be perfectly honest, I'm feeling kind of the same right now. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Narkiss]

Me, too.

Narkiss

[Sunfl0wer]

I am sorry guys!

Thank you for replying.

I honestly don't even know what to say about it as my feelings do not feel translateable into words.

Gentle, caring group hugs:   

Thank you so much for hearing me

[Turkish]

S0,

What's going on?

T.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks Turkish,

I am actually not sure what is exactly going on.  I just know that I feel quite dissociative and am having a hard time staying present and grounded atm.  Tbh, yesterday I just did not want to put the effort in to be grounded and just felt like allowing the mental disconnect.

Today I will get some things done to set myself up for a good week.  So I will het more grounded.

Tomorrow I have my first T session with a new T who is proficient with trauma and dissociation issues.

I am feeling both numb and hopeful.  I am sure the numb represents the parts of me that are feeling cautious and guarded about being too hopeful.

I also have a neurological medical issue which is not so common and it is confusing for my medical people to sort out which issues are my own prior PTSD and which are this neuro issue.  Honestly, there likely is no way to sort it so it seems the best course is to assume my issues just overlap and exacerbate one another and for me to stay the course treating them both pretty aggressively.

Some days I just want a mental vacation in a new body, new mind to go play by the beach for a weekend.  Heck, idk why I can't make a plan to do that anyway soon and just take what I am working with here.

Thank you,

SF

[Sunfl0wer]

Purekalm,

I see you suggested writing, (i did no process that before). Were you able to get to writing things down your self?  Mind sharing how that went?

Well, I may write some things down to prepare for my session in T tomorrow.  I will be organizing stuff that I have already written because with the dissociation issue it will be hard for me to describe things that are hard to recall and that I am disconnected from, so I will need references to that stuff.

I feel like I need a 4 hour session, I wonder what can actually get covered in 45 mins?  Maybe he will give me a second appointment this week, I will have to wait and see.

Thanks,

SF

[purekalm]

Sunfl0wer,

I'm sorry you're going through that. It must be difficult to not know which is which. 

I can relate as I dissociate as well. I did it MUCH more when I was younger and even younger adult when I still had the first bit of initial pain to work through. It's been different as sometimes I'm just staring (Before I found out what it was I called it spacing and my mom remembers me doing it a lot) and other times I've just run on auto. Like I'm there but not controlling myself, yet doing or saying what I would do. It's weird.

Yes, I ended up posting a bunch of things that were going through my head in whatever order and after I did I was able to reread it and responses and make more sense of what I'm trying to isolate and think about. I've found that I'm literally always thinking from the moment I wake up to the moment I pass out. I have to think about something in particular or just make up something fun or I just can't pass out. Unless I'm exhausted, then there's no trouble. It's STAYING asleep that's the trouble. 

I think initially it's all about learning if you're a good fit for each other, getting over awkwardness, getting enough of your trust and things like that. I didn't fully trust my therapist before she left for a better job, and I had seen her for three years! Lol

I also understand the memory thing. I normally have a great memory but when I've dissociated they are usually fuzzy, disconnected and disordered. I didn't think about it for a long time, but writing it down helps to explain things quicker when I'm all out of focus. I hope this helped some. Mostly, I hope you get the help you're looking for.   

Sincerely,

Purekalm