First Post

[DazedD23]

tner of 4 years and I'm in the most god awful turmoil. Now she has no diognosis apart from being treated for depression and anxiety. We first split last year following her mental health spiralling to a point were age was self harming and drinking heavily. During this time she pushed me away and I moved out after 2 years of living together. My life was flipped upside down and I was heartbroken as there was nothing I could do to keep her, is and myself together. I left and suffered at the hands of her verbal abuse and silent treatment whilst I tried putting my life back together. We kept contact through this period and we soon got back together once I was settled in a flat of my own. It wasn't just us effected as she has a daughter and I have to kids myself so their worlds also went in to a tailspin.

When we got back together we spent a lot of time talking and I won't lie partying a little together. She was very much push pull with me which caused me great pain whilst I was fighting to keep us together. Soon enough she pulled right away after I had tried to support her in to gp and mental health services. She would often say she thought she had bipolar or a PD of some sort. Long story short she pulled away from the GP after the mental health team declined to assess her due to her drinking. They were made aware of her self harming and concerns she needed a diognosis as she admitted she felt it more than just depression. I'd witness the highs and lows, rapid speech and grandiose and risky behaviours. So yeah we split again and went back through the push pull cycles whilst I stuggled to hold myself, my job and friendships together. She'd two and throw but always making sure she kept me close. During this time I got close with a female friend from years ago and although nothing happened between us we grew close and she became a confident of mine. I was at a point by then that I felt I was being used by my ex and I seriously considered telling her I was done with her pushing and pulling but she seemed to sense that so came back making all the right noises so I foolishly stayed with her and sacked the friend off.

Things settled down between us and we got through Christmas and NY very mush back on track in the relationship however life was still tricky to navigate at times and she continued to drink most nights. Prior to the NY we had spent lots of time talking about our relationship, looking in to patterns we both displayed and behaviours we didn't like about each other. One of the main things in the relationship was my mistrust in her at times. She has a very cheaqured past and spent a number of years sleeping around without a care in the world and by her own admittance treating men like dirt all the time. Some of the stories she told me should have made me run to the hills but I stayed with her as she said she wasn't that person anymore. Things would happen and she would go out without me and sometimes without telling me. There would always be some form of evidence that she had played me about over the years but it was always evidence that could be portrayed one of two ways and I'd always buy in to what she would say, saying that she loved me and would never hurt me. She'd turn things round on me saying I was distrusting of her because of her past and blame things on my insecurities. This is a girl that can change in to an alter ego she admitted she flirts with people. I hated that as I don't agree with leading people on especially whilst in a relationship. There were red flags everywhere but she has a way of always being able to get out of it and I took the brunt and really thought I was the problem. She's tell her friends I was the reason she wasn't going out anymore and I know her friends didn't like me as they felt or were led to believe that I made her choose between them. All I did was tell her I wouldn't allow her to treat me like crap by flirting with other men. I had to put up with a lot of insecurities I will admit that but it's almost like she knew when to push that button in me and then blame everything on them.

So Feb of this year comes and everything is fine or so I thought. One Friday night she txts me to say good night and that she was off to bed, doesn't communicate to me until the afternoon next day which is strange for her and acted all strange when she did. It transpired she was lying to me and had gone out on the smash with her mate who really doesn't like me. Few days later up pops on Facebook pictures from the club she was in, arms around a guy all close and personal. I never told her that I'd seen them and yet again bought in to the excuses for that night she had and that she went to her friends to stay for the night. I'll admit I looked through her phone and her friend was txting her that night saying she was home. My ex claims they left together. So off my insecurities go and I start questioning a lot.

Things just didn't feel the same again after this. It's like I knew something had happened as the red flags of the past seem to get clearer to me. I started questioning everything. Why had she come back, there were no reasons for trying again I just fell in to it. Was what I read about PD and bipolar correct as if I was honest the signs were there. Did she Charm me up I wondered.

So we knew in advance that March and April were going to be tough for us both. I changed career and took a low paid job which threw my finances out meaning I was going to lose my flat. I have been saving and she said if when you have to leave, this Tuesday, I could move in with her until I got the cash together to move on. I've been trying to save and do my best but I've struggled. I won't lie I have been stuggling since we first split last year and feel I have put her first over her needs. She assured me though that we would get through things together. Her tough time was being a bridesmaid at her sisters wedding and her daughters birthday so money was a stressor for not just me but her as well. All the way through this she acted loving and caring to me. We were intimate together and I thought things were ok apart from the life stressers.

We enjoyed the sisters wedding and daughters birthday out. Lots of pictures and kind words from her mum and sister about me and we spent a lovely day out. We had a falling out two weeks ago over a parking ticket I forgot to tell her about and then even stupider I forgot to pay. She finds out and rightly kicks off and puts me in the dog house. This led to a day of her kicking off at me and then saying we needed to talk. She then makes me wait five hours before calling me. I txt her and she kept shrugging me off saying she would call me. It's strange as I felt I knew what was coming. She called and ended our four year relationship saying she was no longer happy and didn't want us anymore. I won't lie I hit the roof over it. How could she lie saying she loved me, was happy and loved me being with her only days before to suddenly spinning on a six pence? I was dazed and confused and didn't try contacting her. She msg me saying she'd bring my stuff around and when I said I couldn't face her proceeded to take my belongings to the dump after we argued on txt. I've tried checking in with her but she shuts me down saying she wants a clean break. There's been no word from her, no explanation no nothing and I've spent the last two weeks in a mess. She parks her car around the corner from me to walk in to work. There's always a chance ill bump in to her as she parks up knowing I leave at the same time yet wants a clean break. A clean break after all that's happened.

It now feels like she's painted me black. I'm in a world of s()t now and being kicked out. It's like she knew when to drop me. Like she knows I no longer have any use to her now.

I'm so messed up as the more I read stories of others experience it feels today like it's suddenly dawned on me that nothing was real and the relationship was all game to her and now I'm on my ass she can walk away to the next man.

I'm in a world of pain and don't know what to do  

[DazedD23]

I'm sorry I'm sure my post is all over the shop! I've missed loads I'm sure. I'm full of desperation and just don't know where to turn

[Mutt]

Hi DazedD23,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. A pwBPD ( person with BPD ),want emotional intimacy bit are not capable of sustaining healthy adult intimacy and push their partners away, the distance triggers the fear of abandonment and then will pull their partner closer. This push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner.

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see results and become proficient over time.  Bi-polar and BPD are different disorders, BiP is an anxiety disorder and BPD is a personality disorder. Often there is an underlying clinical depression with BPD and substance abuse. The substance abuse has to be treated treated before the personality disorder.

One of the main things in the relationship was my mistrust in her at times. She has a very cheaqured past and spent a number of years sleeping around without a care in the world and by her own admittance treating men like dirt all the time.

It sounds like she's hard on men. There's no need for an apology, I can relate with the emotional distress. A pwBPD have all or nothing thinking and you're going through financial difficulties and she offered you a place to stay until you got back on your feet and now she's telling that you have to he out by next week? That's tough.

How are your kids? How old are they and how and your SD ( step daughter ) Do You have friends or family that can help you until you back on your feet?

[DazedD23]

Thank you just reading a post is a result. No one really gets what's going on for me. Just a relationship break up, you'll get over it, give it time, aaarrrggghhh

I wasn't living with her. I ended up in a lot of finacial difficulties due to a number of reasons and my landlady is selling so I've got to leave. Like I said I thought I had a partner that I could rely on to be there for me, not that I expect rescuing as I'm prepared to sort things out. After everything we went through and all the support I lavished on her even when she was pushing and pulling me last year and all I got was a phone call ending everything and like I said she's just dissaperead wants no contact no nothing.


My boys are 6 & 8 her daughter is 10. I've not been able to say goodbye to her as when my ex went her family, who had become my family. My only friend that understands is miles away from here. Any other friends are more fair weather friends who I can't go to. He's offered me the chance to leave town for a bit so I can regroup without being around here. Kinda go back, get a job, get the money together before coming back to start again once I'm in a better place. It's my kids tho. They live with there mum. I see them all the time but would be limited to picking them up on weekends. Thing is I think and feel like I've lost the plot. For two weeks I have been in so much emotional pain. Any attempt at reaching out to her had ended up with a negative response so I've stopped and respected her wish for no contact and a clean break. How can you have a clean break after just dissapearing like we have never met. I saw her the other day on the way to work. No attempt at talking with me no trying to catch me up it was like I wasn't there! I guess I'm not if what I have read through so far is anything to go by.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry I got that wrong. I can relate with being invalidated and told to get over it. I think that some people dont know what to say. I completely understand how much that stings. BPD is an invisible disorder and the acting out is directed at the people that are closest to them and it can a lot for a pwBPD to keep it together around others. A pwBPD will split people as either all good or all bad and can't see the grey areas in people and will split the people that care most about black.

I know it's tough. I was with my wife for several years and it was like a switch went off and I didn't recognize the woman that I had married because she had split me black, being split black doesn't happen all at once, but it's like the person that you have known is gone and is replaced with someone that avoids you and has intense anger directed at you.  My ex had a daughter and I was get step dad for several years and the relationship was suddenly cut off with her too by mom.

[DazedD23]

Because there's no diognosis in place it's hard to know but it feels like I've just woken up to the fact that this relationship wasn't real. All the red flags are flying high now. I honestly thought previous partners deserved the treatment she gave them. I somehow bought in to the illusion she created. It's the way that she ended it, just when I'm bottoming out, that has made the red flags clearer and my belief that she is indeed living with some form of PD, that has given the game away and this horrible realisation has crept in today. I'm shocked beyond belief or reason. Was there any love there? Was this all a lie? What has happened to me? I'm broken. I feel like I've been stripped of everything, my soul, my thinking, my heart. I feel naked and vulnerable.

[once removed]

hi DazedD23, i want to join Mutt and say

youre in one of the hardest places right now and i feel your pain  .

it sounds like what you are experiencing is your heart and your head accepting the painful reality of mental illness and how it played out in your relationship - which is just devastating and its natural to question whether any of it was real, or if she ever loved you.

the answer that in time, i arrived at, was somewhere in the middle, something of a silver lining, or at least not as hopelessly as we tend to see it when this acceptance hits us.

was it real? you were there. it happened. presumably you did not imagine it. odds are the intensity she felt, showed, spoke, were very real for her at the time. sadly, they cannot be sustained. the truth is we generally are not on the same page as our partners - they are experiencing a great deal that we are not privy to, and they process the relationship in very different ways than we do. its a major shock to the system when we realize this - feeling naked and vulnerable, even in some ways violated, is common and natural. it does not mean that everything was a lie.

youre likely to replay the relationship in your head many times, through many different lenses, and some parts more than others. in my experience, i find the more you learn about BPD, the more you depersonalize the most painful elements, and begin to see them more objectively; this does not happen over night, but learning, and working through these painful thoughts and feelings is the best medicine.

hang in there DazedD23; keep sharing, and learning. you will get through this and we are here to help every step of the way.

[DazedD23]

Thank you for your kind words. On one hand it's a massive comfort in knowing you and others understand and yet on the other I'm freaking out as I'm realising the truth of her mental health, although not formally diognosed. I've read so much in search of answers as to what is going on and it's honestly scared the bejesus out of me. There's to many accuracies to turn a blind eye too both from reading up on it and from my 4 year ride with this girl.

I said to a friend the other day that I wished my emotions would catch up with my logic. The 2 are well off balance at the moment as I swallow and digest what's happening and what I'm learning. I'm torn between this profile I have now created of her in my mind and pining for the girl I love so much and who touched my soul in a way no other ever has. She was more than a girlfriend, she was my best friend. Now I'm wondering who and what is real. I've never known emotional pain like this. I lay in bed and once I finally relax it feels like half of me is missing. I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that just feels so alien to me. Tense, nauseas like I could explode. I'm not eating nor sleeping and often wake up drenched in sweat. It's 24/7

Thank you I'll try not to bore the arse of of you all as you will probably find me posting a lot and checking in on posts etc... Not really sure what else to do apart from get some form of understanding in the hope I can heal. I hope it's soon as the past 2 weeks have been hell and I have so much going on that I can't turn to friends and my closest mate who gets this is miles away. Im pretty isolated from the world at the moment. Almost scared to go outside so being able to pop on here and use this place as a safe heaven to like you say, detach and heal whilst waiting for me emotions and logic to finally balance out so I can get on with life.

 

[once removed]

friend, in my experience two weeks was nothing. the first few months were a blur of nonfunctioning, deep depression and utter despair, relentless anxiety, a completely upside down sleep schedule, not eating, and endless crying. this is a traumatic experience, and it will effect you accordingly. you can survive - you can go on to thrive - but it takes time, and its what you do with that time that counts. months from now, you will see even the immense pain you are currently in, as progress; i know thats of little to no comfort now, and it feels like no end is in sight. thats okay. youre in pain, and your pain needs to be felt, heard, validated, and worked through - but its not in vain.

i certainly hope that you do continue posting and reading; this is a support group, its what we are here for, and youre not going to bore us . you are not alone in your thoughts or feelings, or even being isolated - its actually quite common for members to arrive here in a very isolated situation, separated from friends and family, and separated from anyone who understands. in that sense, this forum is a life line - we understand. in addition, we have tools and skills here (the lessons (links) directly to the right are a good place to start), to aid you in detaching, as well as go on to have healthier relationships. youll receive advice from people who have walked in your shoes, and whom for many the pain is just as fresh.

as far as emotions and logic catching up with each other (which again, will not happen over night) this is one of my favorite tools:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

it is also highly recommended to see a therapist, and in many cases a doctor (as i did). there are also many supplements that can help your body adjust and adapt to what it is going through, i can recommend some if youre interested. it is crucial to take care of yourself as best youre able, which i understand right now, is exceedingly difficult.

[DazedD23]

You've hit the nail on the head with the feelings. It's like this morning, I wake up and can feel the despair instantly kick in the moment my eyes opened. It's relentless at the moment and I'm aware that the only person causing this pain is me. I'm holding myself hostage to those feelings each day and it's so hard to not fall in to them and then spend the day looking at the wall going out of my mind. Thanks for pointing me in the direction of those workshops/tools I think I'll really benefit from them. If anything it will give me something else to do instead of constantly thinking about everything that has happened.

I've been offered the chance at getting away from here to just take a step back and recover in a safe space away from her, the menories and the hurt that I'm constant reminded of. Not sure if I'm going to take him up on it though as need to discuss things with my kids mum although she is understanding of what's happened. It may be a backward step but I'm going crazy up here and I just think if I take off for a bit it will help as I won't be near her and the memories we created.

[troisette]

  Hi Dazed

Not boring and you need to explore and vent your feelings. That's what we are all here for.

I remember the feeling of despair when I opened my eyes in the morning and my obsessive ruminations during the day. It was my first experience of a relationship with a BPD and I couldn't believe what I was feeling, people around me did not understand - I don't think you can unless you've been through it. I felt emotionally flayed. So please don't be hard on yourself.

Recovery takes a while. But it does ease, little by little. Almost imperceptibly. If you can become nc it helps - also getting away from your immediate environment if you can balance your needs and those of your kids. (I live six streets away from my ex and that has been difficult for me, always tense and vigilant in case I meet him. If you can avoid that worry for a while it may help.)

For a while after my break-up I also felt that my ex had been playing mind games. Gradually, through much reading here and selective sources on the internet, I have realised what a serious mental illness BPD is. That he wasn't playing games, it was his way of functioning, his survival mode, he couldn't help it. It takes time but I'm more or less at forgiveness - it can't be rushed and it does help.

The pain is agonising, you'll see that from the boards here, but you are not alone. We understand.

And when the pain eases a bit, self-understanding; why you were drawn to your ex; why you became involved, will help recovery. Little by little.

Keep posting.

In the meantime - 

[DazedD23]

Thank you

It's such a scary place to be right now. Woke up to her, I'm moving on, FB profile pic with her mate who has always hated me. This is a friend that she happily splits black and white as and when it suits her needs. It makes me giggle as none of her friends or family are aware that they are all just chess pieces in her crazy world. Funny how they always welcome her back and never wake up to what she's like. Like me they are sucked in to the illusions she creates and how strategic she is at manipulating people to dance for her.

It's a massive gamble just taking off and the impact on my kids is what worries me but I'm no good to anyone right now. I'm an anxious ball of energy and feel like I'm having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I feel guilty as my kids are here this weekend and I've been useless to them. I think if I get away to a safe space I will be able to start rebuilding and as mad as this sounds I'm doing it for them. If I stay here I'm open to her games. I work with friends of hers who delighted at giving me crappy looks last week so I'm guessing she has started twisting the truth of what has happened whilst painiting me black to everyone. The profile pic hurt this morning. It was like her and her mate in the pic were goading me. Look at me I'm over you, is what it said to me.

I have done nothing to deserve this hurt, pain and abandonment she has unleashed on me. Now she wants to rub it in my face and I know she will make my life difficult any chance she can get. She knows how much power she has over me so if I go back home she can't get to me and there are no menories attached to her back there. Up hear I have no one that will help me out. All well wishing and concerned but they don't understand. My kids mum is doing her nut and I know I need to be strong for my kids but I'm struggling to look after my own basic needs.

I long for the day this passes me by and I'm back to being myself. I plan to come back and start again but I can't do that until I heal from this unbelievable 4 year lie I have just lived.

I don't know what hurts more, the fact that none of it was real or the fact I've been blind all this time. It's a struggle to not lose my s£&t at her. That's what she wants tho isn't it? She wants a reaction to validate her leaving me. On the previous occasions I have always begged her and reacted to things, this time I'm not but man alive I want to, I want to scream at her, tell her what she is, tell her family, her kids dad and his wife but there's no point as if only be hurting myself wouldn't I?

[Ahoy]

[/quote]

You've hit the nail on the head with the feelings. It's like this morning, I wake up and can feel the despair instantly kick in the moment my eyes opened. It's relentless at the moment and I'm aware that the only person causing this pain is me. I'm holding myself hostage to those feelings each day and it's so hard to not fall in to them and then spend the day looking at the wall going out of my mind. Thanks for pointing me in the direction of those workshops/tools I think I'll really benefit from them. If anything it will give me something else to do instead of constantly thinking about everything that has happened.

I've been offered the chance at getting away from here to just take a step back and recover in a safe space away from her, the menories and the hurt that I'm constant reminded of. Not sure if I'm going to take him up on it though as need to discuss things with my kids mum although she is understanding of what's happened. It may be a backward step but I'm going crazy up here and I just think if I take off for a bit it will help as I won't be near her and the memories we created.

Dude every one of your posts literally described me at two weeks out, I mean it's actually freaky how you just described how you feel. I felt 100% exactly the same.

So I'm hoping you might take comfort in me typing that I am 3 months out today and I have had a reasonably good week! Sure the pain is still there but that nasty sharp bite that hits you right in the gut has dulled.

I even survive dreams about her (almost nightly) and I can easily close my eyes and go back to bed.

Advice? As once removed said, arm yourself with knowledge. Read all of our experiences (the big long post I bumped up to the front page is an excellent discussion)

Secondly, have a support network, in have 5 people, 3 family, two friends I'm in contact weekly, some daily. I can call them day/night if I'm having a freak out and they will happily listen. They don't quite understand BPD but that's ok, they all have my back. They also stopped me in a pickle when I almost broke NC. Even if it's just one friend, this is vital.

I have a loong way to go, but I'm telling you, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will get through this first part, bruised and battered, but so, so much wiser and more in tune with yourself!

[DazedD23]

Ahoy that makes me feel better hearing that it does ease. At this moment in time it feels like that's an impossibility. I'm old enough and wise enough to know that time does heal, although I'm not so old and wise in my choice of woman!

I have a rocky relationship with my family after issues that stem from being adopted so they are not there for me to go to sadly. I have called my Mum to tell her what's happened but they are none to fussed. They don't have anything to do with my kids so relations are strained between us and that's their doing not mine.

I have two friends I'm talking to about this but they are miles away. They are encouraging me to return there to sort myself out. I'm undecided whether to run or stay! Part of me wants to run to the hills the other side of me thinks I should stay, dig my arse out of this mess and parade myself around with my head held high just to piss her off. My city is small and everyone knows everyone so it wouldn't take long for her to hear about me still being about looking like I couldn't give a ___. Makes me laugh as this morning I was all for running. Now I'm having a calm spell I'm like, no I'm not having this I'll show you you can't break me.

Stupid really but I feel I should enjoy these moments of calmness even though my thoughts are off balance still. It beats pacing around having panic and anxiety attacks hahahaha

[DazedD23]

Ok so im sitting there last night and low and behold out of nowhere she txts me after 5 days of no contact that she asked for! She txt saying she missed me and im in her thoughts. I didnt know what to say so left a one worded answer, ditto, stupid i know.

What i dont get is she asked for no contact, told me she needed time, posts pics of her and the mate i dont like on facebook and then out of the blue txts me saying that.

Im confused by this. I could understand if i asked for no contact and then she broke it but she asked for the no contact so what the hell is going on?

Anyone had this kinda thing happen?