Obervations of myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone

Text my son's mother yesterday and she still has not resoonded.

Same old games and manipulation from her and I can't begin to guess what she's thinking or her motives other than punish me or control.

There are some areas of my life that I need to focus on.

1. My son's welfare

2. Getting past the BPD relationship

3. Cancer and chemo

4. Foo issues, AA, Alanon

I remember being so overprotective with my children and so afraid something bad would happen to them. I didn't know why other than because of the way I grew up and how I wasn't protected from abusive parents.

I told a friend the other day that I managed to get by without a stable father in my life, she laughed and said, yeah right.

This stung and then I realized how much not having a father had hindered my life. I am still struggling to learn things that I view other father's seem to instinctively know.

I have believed my 2 year old son would manage fine without me in his life because I survived.

Then I realized that being around children, especially young boys triggers this horrible sense of fear that they are being treated the same way I was as a child. It is so strange being on alert around young boys and this dread that they are being abused then the feeling I have to do something if I do find out.

It is such a sense of desperation thinking I need to protect those children from some sexual predator.

No one saved me from my mother and I cannot stop others from hurting children

I fear for my son and I believe this is one thing that keeps me in fear of getting close to him. Then watching his mother yell at him and spank him I feel helpless and frustrated.

I want to be with my son but thinking I'm a horrible father and I cannot protect him from sick people is overwhelming.

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Text my son's mother yesterday and she still has not resoonded.

Same old games and manipulation from her and I can't begin to guess what she's thinking or her motives other than punish me or control.

There are some areas of my life that I need to focus on.

1. My son's welfare

2. Getting past the BPD relationship

3. Cancer and chemo

4. Foo issues, AA, Alanon

I remember being so overprotective with my children and so afraid something bad would happen to them. I didn't know why other than because of the way I grew up and how I wasn't protected from abusive parents.

I told a friend the other day that I managed to get by without a stable father in my life, she laughed and said, yeah right.

This stung and then I realized how much not having a father had hindered my life. I am still struggling to learn things that I view other father's seem to instinctively know.

I have believed my 2 year old son would manage fine without me in his life because I survived.

Then I realized that being around children, especially young boys triggers this horrible sense of fear that they are being treated the same way I was as a child. It is so strange being on alert around young boys and this dread that they are being abused then the feeling I have to do something if I do find out.

It is such a sense of desperation thinking I need to protect those children from some sexual predator.

No one saved me from my mother and I cannot stop others from hurting children

I fear for my son and I believe this is one thing that keeps me in fear of getting close to him. Then watching his mother yell at him and spank him I feel helpless and frustrated.

I want to be with my son but thinking I'm a horrible father and I cannot protect him from sick people is overwhelming.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi JerryRG,

My mind is in an odd place atm so I cannot put many thoughts together I wish.  However, I do want to point out that I have come across your posts a bit and am seeing so much insight that is positive.

It sounds like you are working hard at your healing and understanding of things and that it is paying off.

I want to be with my son but thinking I'm a horrible father and I cannot protect him from sick people is overwhelming.

I recall you posting and appeared afraid/avoidant about visitations.

I think facing such a truth as the one that you wrote above is huge and in itself must be so excruciating to face, I cannot imagine.

Your thoughts and processing things seem to be moving quite well in a positive direction, despite the pain that they likely hold.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Sunflower

Strange day for me emotinally and feel a little detached from reality. This will pass

[Sunfl0wer]

That is actually my issue atm:

Feeling so dissociative

Thankfully, I cannot wait until Monday,  i finally found a T who is quite skilled with trauma.  My last T wanted to work on things without addressing the trauma. (He bluntly states to me that he is not a trauma T) I am having strong positive feelings about this.  However, at the same time, the anticipation of me facing such big things means parts of me are disconnected.

It sounds like you are facing some heavy stuff Jerry!

[Sunfl0wer]

Not to go off topic but it seems this may be appropriate to ask:

What do you do Jerry to feel grounded?

[JerryRG]

Hi Sunflower

Right now I'm back home and enjoying a video game, washing clothes. I understand the t thing too, I will dissociate in her office and she will just respond with "come back" and I ask why I'm doing this and she distracts me. Maybe it's good I don't float away?

I'm reaching out here, and texting friends who can help me stay in the now, focus on today. I am caught up in worry about my son and really wanted to know he's safe but his mother has other plans.

Thank you and I do hope you find a good t. What things do you do to stay grounded?

[Sunfl0wer]

Is your therapist proficient with trauma?

"Come back" -sounds like she could do something more helpful, idk.

Thank you and I do hope you find a good t. What things do you do to stay grounded?

Actually today I am just allowing myself to dissociate however it wants.

When I want to stay grounded the best thing for me is a walk outside in nature, paying attention to sensations, sounds, feelings and enjoying a pleasant inner chat about the walk.

Other things... .

Any physical activity such as bike riding, raquetball, jogging, swimming.

If a sensory experience gets combined, it helps.  Like if it rains while I jog and I am ok with that.  Or swimming helps my skin feel cool, then soft, then the smell of chlorine, then my joints feel looser.

If I need immediate grounding and cannot plan an activity... .

Talking in voice to a friend.

Talking about someone else problem or issue always gets me out of my own head.

Work and helping others gets me out of my own head.

Simply practicing mindfulness

Having a sensory change, like stepping outdoors to see sunlight or turning on the light inside or washing my face, sipping a cold drink, sipping aromatic warm tea.

There are specific techniques I do not recall that help you to count and be mindful.  Like count five auditory sensory things, then five visual, etc.

[khibomsis]

Jerry, I feel for you. I understand you are between a rock and a hard place, feeling that you have too much on  your plate to be able to have full-time custody of a two year old, but at the same justifiably worried about what will happen to him if you don't. And I think the anxiety causing your inner child to renact old memories and that is making you disassociate?  I have no answers for you except to say I am praying for you. You will be given strength for whatever it is you need to do. The grace will be sufficient.  , khib

[Herodias]

I also had an alcoholic Father. My parents divorced when I was 18... .having the alcoholic Father is one issue. Mine left and had nothing to do with us except to help him meet women in the beginning. Then he  remarried and moved out of state. I still only talk to him twice a year. He came to visit a couple years ago and my ex held a gun to him, I am told by my siblings. I was kept from seeing it. My ex ruined the whole visit as it was my exes birthday as well (holidays and Birthdays always are a mess). Anyway- that was the last tine I saw my Dad-3 years ago, before that it was 16 years. It does affect you. I think that is why I always pick the wrong guy-trying to fix the r/s with my Dad I never had. I suppose it is different for a young girl as it is for a boy. We do need our parents-both of them. I think that is another part of what is so messed up with society now. Not many seem to have two parents anymore. Yes, we all work it out the best we can, but knowing our parents love us is really important. Try not to distance yourself from your son. I understand why you are doing it-but ultimately you both need to be close -for lots of reasons. Who knows what is going to happen at all in this life- I do hope you can find out what is going on with your exes talk of adopting or fostering him out. He needs to feel loved no matter what. You will not feel good about yourself if you do not put the effort in. My dad now cries because he never had a relationship with us- my Mother told him he would regret it if he didn't. She was right. Not that he is making a big effort now. I think we scare him. He never wanted kids in the first place. He doesn't know how to deal with us... .he had a problem childhood too. It is amazing how one messed up life, leads to another and another- they all affect each other. I see how my clients that have normal lives  are very close to their families and have a much better lifestyle. They are not without issues, but they are not the same crazy stuff we deal with. I know you are doing the best that you can- it's all we can do. Just don't think that it would be best not to be in your child's life. Let him know that you are there for him and he will know that it's not you making the decisions here. He will grow up before you know it. He will have a choice in how he lives one day. Be the one he wants to be involved with in the future. I know you are worried about your Cancer as well... .It is scary, but all the more reason to have peace. My niece and nephews lost their Dad 4 years ago and they regret not spending more time with him. Don't have anything you or your son will regret. You can't force your ex to cooperate, but you can be the best Dad he has. If need be, talk to her parents about what is going on and your concern. Maybe you can get some help from them and maybe be allies.