drained and lonely...but surviving

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm sitting on my porch not really knowing what to type so I'll just let it flow as it may.  My exBPD lives just about 100 yards from my house with her teenage children which I grew to love over 4 years.  It's been about 1.5 years since I began to end our relationship, in that time, she has had back surgery, and I sat with my 86 year old dad as he passed from leukemia.  With all that stress there were times we were in contact to "support" each others needs.  Of course I realize now all that was done on her part in an attempt to continue our r/s.  It's been at least 4 months of NC, I'm better but fight waves of loneliness I've never encountered in life.  That loneliness wants her... .but I know that is unhealthy and thus I refrain.  But it has actually gotten worse instead of better which is puzzling.  I have been seeing the counselor every 5-6 weeks for myself... .yes he diagnosed her... .as well as my ex wife whom he also told me was a BPD... .of course him telling me that only came years later after I returned to him for help with my most recent ex. 

Though I know I'm on the right path, and now armed with the senses to quickly pick out and avoid another BPD... .I still, even sitting here now have to fight the urge to reconnect to fill this huge void I feel inside myself.  Worst part is, I get it, I understand the illness, I know it inside and out as it has been part of my life for 10 out of the last 14 years.  I comprehend I've been mentally and emotionally abused and drained.  Yet still... .here I sit... .fighting an urge I know would probably kill me if I let myself succumb to it. I feel trapped as she moved into my neighborhood.  I feel trapped because I feel for her children who really are trapped.  I feel like superman sleeping in a cave of kryptonite. 

I've used this website as a tool to help remind me of what life really was like with a BPD and that has been a tremendous help.  But for some reason, my desire remains... .

[drained1996]

I'm sitting on my porch not really knowing what to type so I'll just let it flow as it may.  My exBPD lives just about 100 yards from my house with her teenage children which I grew to love over 4 years.  It's been about 1.5 years since I began to end our relationship, in that time, she has had back surgery, and I sat with my 86 year old dad as he passed from leukemia.  With all that stress there were times we were in contact to "support" each others needs.  Of course I realize now all that was done on her part in an attempt to continue our r/s.  It's been at least 4 months of NC, I'm better but fight waves of loneliness I've never encountered in life.  That loneliness wants her... .but I know that is unhealthy and thus I refrain.  But it has actually gotten worse instead of better which is puzzling.  I have been seeing the counselor every 5-6 weeks for myself... .yes he diagnosed her... .as well as my ex wife whom he also told me was a BPD... .of course him telling me that only came years later after I returned to him for help with my most recent ex. 

Though I know I'm on the right path, and now armed with the senses to quickly pick out and avoid another BPD... .I still, even sitting here now have to fight the urge to reconnect to fill this huge void I feel inside myself.  Worst part is, I get it, I understand the illness, I know it inside and out as it has been part of my life for 10 out of the last 14 years.  I comprehend I've been mentally and emotionally abused and drained.  Yet still... .here I sit... .fighting an urge I know would probably kill me if I let myself succumb to it. I feel trapped as she moved into my neighborhood.  I feel trapped because I feel for her children who really are trapped.  I feel like superman sleeping in a cave of kryptonite. 

I've used this website as a tool to help remind me of what life really was like with a BPD and that has been a tremendous help.  But for some reason, my desire remains... .

[Mutt]

Hi drained1996,



I'm sorry to hear that its difficult for you right now. I can see how feeling trapped and lonely would feel like. It good to hear that you are doing some work with your T.

Many members here can relate with you and offer guidance and support. It helps to see a T ( therapist ) concurrently with a support group. I'm glad that you decided to join the discussions.

A year and a half is not terribly long, you had a long history together. I know it's hard when you live so close to your ex, my exBPDw lives across the street from me.

Everyone's healing is different, there's not one size fits all, and I understand how draining living in survival mode is. What do you do for self care? I like lifting weights.


----Mutt

[drained1996]

Thanks for the reply Mutt.  For my self care, I'm slowly climbing out of the depression that overcame me with my situation.  I focus on work more, I make myself socialize with new friends as often as possible.  Life is getting better, it's just slow and feels like it backs up at times.  Working out is next on my list and I know it will help. 

I've also "cut deadwood" out of my life... .an alcoholic best friend, another close friend who was simply selfish and inconsiderate, among a few others.  I've also learned with the passing of my dad how completely dysfunctional my sisters are when it comes to dealing with problems relating to taking care of my mom.  Sadly, once my mom is no longer with us, I'm pretty sure they are deadwood as well for they are very self centered people, much like our mom. 

That's where I really miss my BPDex... .she got all that stuff, she got ME.  She is right, nobody will love me as hard as she... .but unlike her, I know nobody will HATE me as much as she. 

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the proximity issue as yours lives across the street?  It bothers me more out of the fear she will show up... .less out of the fear I will succumb to my desire... .

[londons]

what?  they live across the street from you?  now i REALLY admire you 2... .  i would be sitting in my driveway trying to catch a glimpse.  mowing the lawn.  climbing the trees. and peeking in their windows when that got old.  that must be so difficult!   when my ex moved out , i told him, i do not want to know where u are going...    i do not want to know what your new address is in town.  i do not have that kind of strength.  he thought it was because i no longer cared, that i did not love him, but you all know it was the EXACT opposite reason.   i did not want to know because i still adored him.   i guess the answer to most of the questions on our message board is simply:  T I M E.   

[Mutt]

Thanks for the reply Mutt.  For my self care, I'm slowly climbing out of the depression that overcame me with my situation.

Depression is insidious and it's really tough to cope with. You're right working out will help you feel better. It's proven that it helps with diseases and it helps with depression. Have you talked to your MD about depression?

I've also "cut deadwood" out of my life... .an alcoholic best friend, another close friend who was simply selfish and inconsiderate, among a few others.  I've also learned with the passing of my dad how completely dysfunctional my sisters are when it comes to dealing with problems relating to taking care of my mom.  Sadly, once my mom is no longer with us, I'm pretty sure they are deadwood as well for they are very self

I understand self protection. There's also a lot of loss.

That's where I really miss my BPDex... .she got all that stuff, she got ME.  She is right, nobody will love me as hard as she... .but unlike her, I know nobody will HATE me as much as she.  

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the proximity issue as yours lives across the street?  It bothers me more out of the fear she will show up... .less out of the fear I will succumb to my desire... .

I had similar feelings at a year a half post break-up. My exBPDw attached herself quickly to another man and he moved in with her and my kids. I was still split black and my exBPDw and she would sometimes try to over-control to control her own feelings.

I think that proximity wasn't the main issue for me, if I had lived further away I was would still have the same feelings. I was getting triggered if I saw her. Is that you mean? I feared succumbing if my ex would split me white and start idealizing me but I was also self protecting and I had boundaries. I was really worried ffor nothing because my boundaries will protect me if I don't want to recycle the relationship. Fast forward another year and half after that junction, three years out now and I don't care about her the same way that I did.

I felt conflict because a part of me felt an obligation to take care of her because her family enable and don't seem to understand that their daughter is suffering from a serious illness. As as I know I'm the only one that understands that she has BPD traits. I'm self aware and aware and I don't get the impression that many family and friends have awareness. I was convinced that there's nobody else there for me other than my exBPDw I don't the same way now because I shifted focus on myself and self care. She  has a boyfriend that she left me for, it was her decision to leave and to divorce. Her boyfriend is responsible for her. He's in the fire, and thankfully I'm not in it anymore.

I've had enough time behind me as well. I completely understand feeling like things were slow and backed up. I had periods were I felt great and then i felt worse than right she left. I found the last stretch of grieving was the toughest but everyone grieves in their own way.

I'd like to echo londons and time, you need more time behind you and it helps to talk.

[Larmoyant]

Drained199, no wise words I'm sorry, but just wanted to reach out to say I can relate to the void, the loneliness and the heartbreak. I’m sitting in my living room surrounded by boxes and mess (I’m moving) trying to work up the energy to keep packing. He was cruel, mean and crushed my soul, but I miss him with all my heart. Feel the feelings, let them out. It won’t always feel this way.

[drained1996]

Yes Mutt, I've discussed it with my T and MD, I was taking some light meds to help but have cut them out, as I know I have to deal with my own stuff face to face and I'm good with that as is my T. 

"Cutting deadwood" has been an issue as all this has happened in the last year and a half... .knowing I have the strength to make these cuts lets me know I understand the way... .just all of it in that short time sucks.  The family stuff... .just crazy... .doesn't help and was never expected.  I'm the youngest by 13 years... .therefore I know nothing.

My exBPD more than likely has another at this time... .but she wasn't one to go out immediately... .at least that I know of... .I've been painted black more times than I care to count, been spit more than aces... .but it was always short lived, almost as it never happened to her and I was white again.  Luckily over the last month or so... .no emails... .She has found someone else to love and HATE I presume.  I'm good with that... .the best I can be at least.

Londons... .TIME heals a lot... .but us dealing with that time and how we react means a lot as well.  Trust me... .you have the strength within you Londons... .keep the distance.  If you waiver, come on here and read some posts, it will remind you just as it has me for a long time.  Support helps.  Even the closest of friends cannot understand what we've been through, not matter how much we've told them.  that's why I'm here.

  Mutt and I obviously have an issue... .over time Mutt seems to have solved it somewhat, and I have... .somewhat.  Mutt, I'm glad to hear after 3 years you don't feel the same about her.  After my time... .I don't feel the same either... .but I still feel... .and I want to rescue the kids... .but I know I cannot. 

Larmoyant... .if you're packing boxes I assume you're just in the leaving stage, if so... .seek some help.  I may sound as if I'm in the beginning stages... .but I'm really not.  It won't take as long for most people as it will me as I'm very sensitive after I let someone in... .I hope you will let us know if you are just beginning your journey out of hell. 

In case you all cannot tell, I haven't even learned how to use the obviously handy quote thingy to respond.

I cannot state enough how much it helps to speak with those of us who have dealt with this monster of an illness in our lives.  And I feel for all of our ex's... .as they live in hell and make our lives difficult... .even though it's not their fault.  But as an adult... .it is their fault if they don't begin to deal with their issue. 

[Mutt]

This link should help with the quote feature. Welcome to the family  

How do I use the "quote" feature